Life 7

Author: JeepNY

Category: Angst,

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

John had, had a bad few days. He was off, there was something that was not right. He felt so snappy, and unhappy that he was going to pull a stunner out and shoot the next person who did not listen to what him.

There is a reason why he was left in charge.

Right?

Since he had dropped Elizabeth on the mainland almost 3 days ago, he had been trying to fill her shoes as Commander, and run the military side of things. Rodney had helped out as much as possible, but with all the stress from the last few weeks, everything was just wearing him thin.

He was pulling at the memories from basic training on how to spread yourself around to keep the flight going.

God what was wrong with him.

He sat at her desk, face in his hands. It was going to be another long night. Carson was going to kill him if he found out that he hadn't been eating, and staying up to all hours of the night because he had yet to really sleep.

Well that had been true, but hadn't really sleep since his close call with the wraith hive ship and almost losing Elizabeth…Altantis in the same day.

Nothing had been the same.

He missed her he realized. He missed her actual presence on Atlantis. Like the city was not the same.

People had respect for him, and the position he held here, and they realized that with their Commander gone for a while, he had more responsibilities. But he seemed to be snapping at everyone lately.

Carson and Rodney had both called him on it more then once. They told him if he didn't stop and take care of himself, he was going to work himself into exhaustion.

He knew that they were going to see her today. Carson had asked if he wanted to take him to the mainland. He was concerned about him, and knew maybe that if he did, it might help what ever was bothering him.

But Colonel Sheppard had refused, assigning Rodney to the task of flying him to the mainland.

Carson was puzzled but did not call him on it. Yet.

John eyed the couch, he was tired, but he also knew he could not sleep in his own quarters. He hadn't in the past few days, what was going to change tonight?

As he dimmed the lights, he made his way over to the couch, thinking he would only close his eyes for a few moments.

He was wrong.

Sheppard thought he heard the door open a few hours later, only to go right back to sleep again.

When he awoke the next morning, it was still dark outside, but he had gotten just about a full nights sleep.

Rubbing his eyes, he had dreamed of her.

When he looked over at the desk he saw a note from Carson asking him to contact him as soon as he woke.

'Great' he thought, and tapped the radio alive.

"Doc, this is Sheppard."

"Colonel, can you please come to the infirmary for a moment?"

"On my way."

So much for having a quiet morning.

Carson wanted to speak to him about some on goings in the infirmary, which he signed off on and approved.

He thought that it was just another way for Carson to check up on him, without really making it obvious.

"Get some food into ya Colonel." Carson spoke on his way out.

Today was already starting out to be a bad day. Carson was talking with one of the nurses on his way out and heard him bring up Elizabeth's name when he stopped.

Was there something wrong with her?

Was she okay?

Did he need to ease drop?

He defiantly needed to ease drop.

Slowly he made his way back into the infirmary.

"How was Dr. Weir?"

"As good as can be expected, she hasn't been eating the way she should. But she hasn't been working or exerting herself in anyway."

"Well at least she is following that rule."

"I think she is adjusting fairly well, she said they had taught her how to meditate, and there is an older woman there who she has taken solace in to talk with."

"I am glad she has someone to talk to while here. Being completely isolated at a time like this is not always the best."

"Yeah I know."

"Did she say something to you Doctor?"

"Aye, she did."

"We need her back here Sir."

"I know we do."

"I am worried about the Colonel."

"Aye, me too."

Sheppard looked down at his boots. He wasn't being much of a leader was he, his team did not even trust him.

With that he left, unsure if he could listen to anymore of what they were saying. Not watching how he left, the door slammed behind him, causing Carson and his nurse to stop talking.

"I think he heard us Sir."

"I'll talk to him."

With that he left as well.

Sheppard didn't know where to go, he was angry, angry at himself. How could he let this go this far. His world was crumbling before him. He was snapping at personnel, not eating, not sleeping, pushing away his team. Rodney had told him that he was keeping on reports, and that scared him. He hated paperwork.

He felt more alone now then he ever did.

He made it to one of the far doors and stepped outside, letting the breeze engulf him. Closing his eyes, he did not hear the doors open.

Carson stepped through the doors, he was looking out over the rail, head down.

"Colonel?"

John straightened, "Doc."

"You alright son?"

"Define alright?"

"That's what I thought."

"Yeah."

"Anything I can do to help?"

"Have you ever wondered, is this it? Is this what my life was supposed to be like?"

"Aye, many times."

"Yeah."

"Maybe you should talk to Kate?"

"I am not that far gone Doc."

"Well I will be keeping an eye on you Colonel."

Maybe it was a good idea that someone kept an eye on him.

Carson then left him to his thoughts.

'Please forgive me Elizabeth. I am doing the best I can."