Somewhere I Belong
Chapter Five
A/N: Many thanks to jtsideout389, Broni, Lu78, and SuperKelli85 for your kind reviews! Broni- Yes I have posted this at the Martin/Samantha fanfictionarchive. I just have a different user name there. Enjoy!
Martin laid his head back on the pillow and stared out the window. The sun had finished setting and the moon was starting to rise. He took this time to reflect over the last few hours. Jack and Vivian came by two hours ago and stayed for a while. It was good to see Vivian was doing well and Jack, well Jack was still the same. He knew that they wanted to ask him about his thoughts concerning Samantha and the baby, but fortunately they were polite and didn't bring it up.
Samantha and the baby. He still couldn't believe that she was pregnant—and he especially couldn't believe it was his child. He had never expected Sam to ever have children. It was so out of character for her. It was only now, hours later that it was starting to sink in that he was going to be a father.
He's always wanted children and a family of his own. But he always pictured himself getting married first and, although for a while he had thought Sam could be a part of that dream, he never truly believed she would. That was one of the reasons he broke up with her in the first place. He didn't think she was serious about their relationship. She wouldn't even tell the rest of the office about their relationship. Now though, now she was having his child.
So where did they stand? Sure they are having a child together, but could they have a second chance? Does she want one? Did he? Did he still love her? The answer to the last question was yes. He did still love her. But does she love him and would love be enough to keep them together? Would it be worth the risk of getting hurt again? His thoughts went back to a conversation he had earlier with one of the nurses.
Flashback
Jack and Vivian left his room only minutes ago but Martin was already bored. Looking around, he noticed his room had a TV, but the remote was too far away for him to reach. Frustrated, he pressed the call button for a nurse.
"Hello Martin." A short, middle-aged woman greeted with a smile as he entered his room. "What can I do for you? Pain medication? Something to eat or drink?"
He remembered this nurse's name was Hilary and returned her smile. "Actually, can you just hand me the TV remote please?" Martin asked.
"Sure." Hilary reached over and handed the remote to him.
He took the remote and placed it on the bed. Then he looked up at Hilary.
"Anything else?" She asked in a pleasant tone.
He hesitated for a moment, contemplating whether or not to ask. "Actually, could I ask you a question about something?"
"Sure. Go ahead. What do you want to know?" Before he had a chance to answer, she interrupted him. " I must warn you though, if you're hoping I've been watching CSI or something and can tell you what's happened, you're gonna be disappointed because I don't watch much TV."
He chuckled. "I don't watch much either. It's not about television."
"World news? Politics?" She guessed in a joking manner. "Sports?"
"No. It's a little more personal than that." He shook his head. "I wanted to ask you about…"
Hilary interrupted, knowing what he really wanted to ask. "The blonde?"
"Yeah." Martin nodded. "How'd you guess?"
"Women's intuition." She smirked. "You're curious about how much time she spent here, how she acted while she here, and that kind of thing. Am I right?"
He felt sheepish about asking this, but he did want to know. He felt like he had a right to know. "Yes."
Hilary gave him a sympathetic smile. "In the beginning, she was here almost twenty-four hours a day. She pretty much lived at your bedside, except for going to work of course. Then as time went by she started coming by less. Usually she would come by around noon, probably on her lunch break. She'd stay here for about an hour and then she'd come back for a few hours in the evening. Either myself of one of the other nurses on duty would often catch her sitting by your bed with her head draped across your chest fast asleep." She paused, letting him take in what she had told him. "That's why I assumed she was your girlfriend. No one worries about a friend as much as she worried about you. I've been a nurse to many comatose patients before, and I've seen a lot of things. I've seen people here purely out of guilt, and I've seen people here out of devotion. I know what love looks like and she's definitely in love."
He wasn't sure what to think about Sam staying here so much. Her dedication to staying here went far above and beyond the normal confines of friendship. But did she really want him or did she just feel guilty? He knew it was weird, but he almost felt glad that she had spent so much time sitting with him while he was out of it. It most likely wasn't entertaining for her, but she stayed here anyway—even though she hates hospitals. That had to count for something, right?
"Thanks for telling me." He managed a small smile.
"It's no problem." Hilary replied, hoping she helped. She was a fairly intuitive person and she could tell that these two people loved each other. A hopeless romantic at heart, she always rooted for love.
End of flashback
Thinking back on Sam's visit, he started to feel badly about the way he acted. She was probably expecting a different reaction from him and he acted coldly towards her. After all, she had been waiting for him to wake up for three months and the first thing he did once he was awake was be a jerk to her. She's had to go through this pregnancy without him and he didn't even ask one question about the progress of the baby's growth. He didn't mean to make it seem like he wasn't interested in the development of their child, but with everything that he was going through it was hard for him to put on a happy face and pretend everything was fine.
Everything wasn't fine. Ever since he woke up earlier today he was confronted with changes. It felt like everything in his life had changed and nothing would ever be the same. Still, that was no excuse to be rude to Sam. He was a better person than that.
With a sigh, he reached over and picked up the phone. He knew what he had to do.
As he dialed her number, he still had no idea what exactly he'd say to her. He only knew that he needed to talk to her.
Sam heard the phone start to ring and sighed. She had gotten home from having dinner with Danny only a few minutes ago and wasn't sure she wanted to talk to anyone. Today was emotionally exhausting. After the fifth ring she decided to take a chance and answer the phone. "Spade."
Once she picked up the phone he became speechless, lapsing into silence.
"Hello? Anyone there?" She really wasn't in the mood for any games. If this was a wrong number they should just hang up. She was about to hang up for them when she heard a familiar voice.
"Hey, it's me." Martin finally spoke.
As soon as she heard his voice on the other end, she got nervous. Why was he calling her? "Martin, hi. Are you ok?"
He considered her question for a moment. Deciding to answer it truthfully, he replied, "Yes and no."
His answer worried her. "Is something wrong?"
"I just feel bad about what happened earlier." He felt the need to explain further. "I didn't handle things very well."
While she appreciated the fact that he would admit that to her, she didn't think it was necessary. "Oh. Don't worry about it. You're dealing with a lot right now."
"That's no excuse, but thanks." He smiled because the awkwardness and tension that was around earlier seemed to be gone. "We need to talk about this."
"I know," she bit her lip, "and we'll talk about it as soon as you feel ready. There's no rush. Take your time."
He hesitated for a moment. "I think I'm ready to talk now, if that's ok."
She was surprised by this, but rebounded well. In the back of her mind she had expected him to take a few days to think things through and get readjusted to his life. The fact that he wanted to talk about everything now was confusing to her. Was that a good sign or a bad one? "Um, ok."
"Are you busy right now?" He asked. Looking at the clock he saw it was only seven p.m. "Could you stop by the hospital? I don't think this is something we should be talking about over the phone."
She was exhausted and had intended on going straight to bed, but couldn't refuse the invitation to see him again. Just being in the same room as him was enough to lift her spirits, especially now that he was awake. The months of going to his hospital room only to be alone were over. "I'll be right over."
"Good. So I'll see you soon." After he hung up, he started planning what he would say to her when she stopped by.
For the second time that day, Samantha stood outside Martin's door. This time, she was even more nervous than the first. He had said that he wanted to talk about the situation they were in, but had no idea if the conversation was going to only be about the baby or if they could talk about getting back together. Would he want that? Or would he want to just make sure that he secured a place in his child's life? She hoped they could find a way to start again, but didn't want to get her hopes up too high. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and gave him a smile. "Hi."
"Hi." He smiled back, watching her as she entered his room. Unlike the first time she had come by, he took the time to examine her carefully. Other than her now-rounded belly and a few dark circles around her eyes, she was basically the same. Even though he didn't have any recollection of the past few months while he was out, he still felt like he missed her.
She sat in the chair that was sitting next to his bed and recalled the months that she had spent in the chair, just staring at him and willing him to wake up. If this had been a normal visit, she would be telling him about everything that had happened since she had left him. Now that he was awake she didn't know what to do or what to say. Baring her soul to him was a lot easier when he was in a coma.
"I…" They both started to speak at the same time. After they shared a laugh, she spoke again. "You can go first if you want."
"You sure?" He asked, watching her nod. "Ok. I was just going to say that I'm glad you came back tonight."
She gave him a small smile. "Well you called so I came running," she amended her statement, "well not actually running. I drove, but you get the point." She was aware that she was rambling because she was nervous and tried to calm herself down. This was just Martin. That thought both calmed her and made her feel more anxious at the same time.
Her choice of words intrigued him. So all he had to do is call and she'd come running? What had happened to her in the past couple of months? She had obviously changed physically, but had she changed in other ways? "I'd like to apologize about earlier…"
"I already told you that it's ok." She interrupted. "I understand. You were overwhelmed."
"It's just a lot to take in. I'm gonna be a father. We're gonna be parents." He stared at her belly.
She smiled as he stared at her and bit her lip. "It's a boy."
"A boy?" He smiled and locked eyes with her. Wow. He was having a son. "That's great. I mean, I would have loved to have a girl too, but a boy is just as great." He once again felt guilty for not being there for her. "I wish I had been there from the beginning."
"Me too." She replied quietly. "But Danny's been really supportive. He's been a really good friend to me and Vivian's been a lifesaver too. She's really helped me quite a lot. I don't think I would have made it this far without them."
"That's good." He nodded. "At least you haven't had to go through this alone." He absentmindedly looked at his hand. He would have felt really guilty if she had been going through this alone. It was bad enough that he wasn't around but at least they had great friends around them. "You do know that if I hadn't gotten shot I would have been there for you and this child, right? I mean I know that we weren't exactly getting along very well but I still would have…"
Feeling bold, she reached out and grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze. "I know."
As soon as their fingers touched, he felt the same electric energy that had helped facilitate their prior relationship. The chemistry was still there and he knew that she felt it too. He considered pulling his hand away but couldn't bring himself to do it. He'd been without any real human contact for too long. "You've had a lot more time to get adjusted to this."
"Yeah, I have." She nodded. "It's ok if your scared about this…at least that's what Viv keeps telling me."
He looked up at her. He knew that he was petrified, but it was hard to believe that Samantha Spade was scared of anything. "You're scared too?" Was he ready to be someone's father? That was a huge responsibility and while he wanted to be a father, his insecurities screamed that perhaps he wasn't ready.
"Terrified," she stated plainly, "and the farther along I get, the more scared I seem to become." Her eyes started to tear up. "I start thinking, am I ready for this? Can I do this? How am I going to raise this child without screwing him up? Things like that. Viv says that normal and that she went through the same thing. I doubt that sometimes though. She's such a wonderful mother. She practically oozes maternal instinct." With the hand that wasn't connected to Martin's she wiped the tears from her eyes, then looked at him with a small smile. "Sorry. Pregnancy hormones make me really sensitive. A few days ago I started bawling because I was out of milk."
He laughed softly, glad for her infusion of some humor into their deep conversation. "So being scared is normal? I'm glad. I don't like being abnormal."
She wanted to ask if he wanted this child, but didn't have the courage. What if he said no? Or he could lie and say yes when in reality he didn't want to have a child with her.
He let silence reign in the room while he collected his thoughts and let Samantha drift away into deep thought. A few minutes later he started to speak again. He had come up with a plan to test her after he invited her over. "So what are our options?"
"Options?" She was confused. What did he mean by options?
"Yeah, options." He explained further. "The way I see it, we only have a couple of options on how to deal with this situation. First option is we get joint custody."
"You mean pass the child back and forth from your apartment to mine?" She didn't like that idea, basically because it didn't involve them being a real family. The fact that this was his first option made her believe that he wanted this baby in his life, but not her and she didn't like that. "Is that really such a good idea?"
"No, but it is an option that we should at least acknowledge." He didn't really like that idea either; he was just testing her to see what she wanted. So far, it seemed like she wasn't interested in joint custody. That was a good sign. "It's something to keep in mind."
She soon became curious. "So what's the second option?"
"We could get a bigger apartment and move in together. That way we would both be there to witness every important and unimportant moment."
A smile came to her face. Move in together? Raise their son together? Be a family? This was exactly what she wanted.
He could see the smile on her face and decided to test her again by saying, "We'd be two friends raising a child together."
When he said that though, the smile on her face fell and she felt immediate sadness. There was that dreaded 'f' word. Friends. To her it was the worst word in the world. Why had she been so stupid before? Why couldn't she have realized that he was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with months ago and opened up more? Would that have made any difference? Or would they have still ended up in this situation anyway?
Watching the smile on her face fall once he said the word 'friends', he repressed the smile that was trying to form on his face. He knew it was slightly mean, but he had decided to do a little experiment with Sam. He would try to guess what her feelings were based on what he suggested they do about the baby. And judging by the look on her face when he suggested that they would be only friends, maybe Hilary was right and Sam did have feelings for him. Maybe Sam did want a real relationship with him.
She had seemed really happy with his second option of moving in together until he said that they would be strictly friends. Then the smile left her face and she looked like she had been hit by a wrecking ball. So what exactly did that mean? Did she want something more? It seemed like she did. But what did she want from him? A proposal? Some kind of commitment? Move in together? Get back together? And what did he want?
He had been thinking about that a lot since he woke up and still hadn't come up with a final answer. He knew that he was in love with her and that he wanted both her and their son in his life. But in what capacity? As a husband and father? A boyfriend and father? A friend and father?
She had been thinking about how he said that they could live together as friends and raise this child. While she wanted more than that, she wouldn't be greedy. If that was the only way to be really close to him and have him be a part of their child's life then maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. "Is that what you want to do?" She finally asked.
"Don't forget that there's a third option." He informed her, feeling bad about putting her through this test. Her reaction to the third option was the most important part of this test. Her reaction would tell him everything he needed to know—or at least he hoped it would.
"Ok. What's the third option?" She sighed, not sure if she wanted to know. The first option was joint custody, the second was raising the child as friends. So what was left for the third option? Did he want to raise the child by himself and leave her out of the picture?
"We could move in together, raise the baby together, and try to work out our relationship problems."