Rating: Yes, I know that I've updated the rating to M, but I've never been quite sure about the rating and I figured that it was better to be wrong than removed off fan-fiction. So, here it is.

Disclaimer: None of the characters mentioned in this story belong to me, but rather to J.K. Rowling, I promise to return them to her once I am done with them. The poem which this story features is taken from the novel, The Smoke Jumper by author Nicholas Evans.

Part Eleven – Remembrance

"A conjoined past imperishably present."

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November 1982

For nearly all of his twenty-two years of life, Remus Lupin had known the meaning of the word pain. At the age of five he had cried out in pain as the wolf bit into his shoulder, leaving a scar that would never heal. One night of every month since then, he had screamed as his bones broke and his skin tore; screamed in pain as he succumbed to the power of the full moon and became a dangerous beast he despised. Remus had suffered pain when his father had called him a monster before walking out on him forever. He had known pain when Sirius had betrayed him that first time in the name of fun, placing his life and the life of another student in danger.

Remus had known pain when he had pulled open his front door in the middle of the night to reveal Sirius Black standing on the door step, and had known immediately that two of his best friends had been murdered. He had known pain when Gideon Prewett had told him that yet another friend had been killed, no, slaughtered, in a Muggle street by one they had trusted. Remus had felt the pain of his heart breaking when he was told that Sirius, who he had loved more than words could describe, had betrayed them all. But nothing could compare to the pain Remus still felt, a year later, at the knowledge that despite everything Sirius had done to them all, Remus still loved him very, very much. Loved him more than he hated him.

Remus slammed his fist into the table, wanting all of the pain to go away. He was fed up with feeling pain. It had been exactly one year ago that Gideon had appeared on his doorstep and had given him the news that had caused Remus' world to shatter to pieces around him. And in all that time, not one single tear had fallen from Remus' eyes to mourn the passing of his friends. He had found after his shower that day that he had no more tears to cry, that he couldn't cry even if he had wanted to. Remus held up his glass of Firewhisky in a silent salute to whatever sadistic being refused to allow him to die before downing all of the burning fluid in one go.

Placing his empty glass on the table in front of him, Remus ran his hand through his tawny hair which hung limply to his shoulders. His once beautiful amber eyes were bloodshot and cloudy, and no emotion showed through them. His frame, which had always been rather on the slight side, showed that he had only eaten enough to sustain him for quite some time and was covered in tatty robes which were in dire need of repair. A lot had changed in the past year.

He had felt anger and betrayal, wanting to hate Sirius for what he had done to them all. Betrayed by Sirius and by his own feelings for the other man. He had felt loss as he crumpled to the floor in the kitchen one day, the realisation of what had happened finally making its torturous way into his mind. But the strongest emotion that he had felt was not anger or betrayal, nor was it loss, love or hate, but hope. Every night for a year when Remus went to bed he would hope against all possibilities that when he awoke in the morning it would be to find that it had all been a terrible dream. Sirius would be there to comfort him and not long after James and Lily would come around with Harry to visit them, followed closely by Peter. But the hope never lasted long. The hope would disappear when the morning light came to wake him in the bed he had once shared with Sirius. A bed that would remain empty, no matter how hard or how many times Remus would hope.

The past year was a blur to him. It seemed as if he had simply stood frozen in the one spot as the rest of the world had continued to swirl around him. For how could he continue to live when those whom he had loved were gone?

Remus shoved his empty glass across the table with all of the force of the wolf, not even wincing when he heard it smash into the wall and break. He sighed and stood up, grabbing another glass from the cupboard and pouring Firewhisky into it. Somewhere inside him he knew that he shouldn't be getting himself drunk, but he couldn't care. On this day, exactly a year since he had learned that he was to be alone for the rest of his life, the pain was too much to bear. Remus swallowed his Firewhisky and stood up, leaving the kitchen and taking his glass and bottle with him. Tonight was a night for remembrance and if Remus was going to survive it, he was going to need Old Ogden's help.

Remus settled himself in his armchair in the lounge room, waving his wand to light the fireplace as he did so. Immediately the fire roared into being, filling the almost empty room with light and warmth that didn't touch Remus. His mind was far away already, back in a time when he had not been alone. When he had had three friends whom he had loved like a family.

Remus smiled faintly as he poured himself another drink, thinking of the time in fifth year when Lily had hit James rather hard on the head with his own broomstick. James had complained for days that he would suffer brain damage for the rest of his life and had tried to use the rather prominent bump on his head as an excuse to get out of completing his OWLs. He had not been successful. Remus remembered the time Peter had been holding tiny Harry as he walked through the house at Godric's Hollow and had slipped, causing him to let go of his fragile parcel. Luckily, Remus had been there and had managed to catch Harry before any damage had been done but poor Peter had been scolded by an overly protective Lily for well over an hour as the others laughed. Lily's tongue had always been one of her most formidable weapons and rumour at Hogwarts had clearly stated that she sharpened it nightly before going to bed. Remus had always had a sneaking suspicion that that particular rumour had been started by James.

Remus swallowed some of his drink and waited as he felt the burning sensation recede before returning his thoughts to times past. He remembered the five of them – James, Lily, Harry, Peter and himself – sitting around the Christmas tree in front of the fireplace laughing as they unwrapped their presents. If there was something missing or a shadow in this memory, Remus ignored it. He saw James helping Harry to unwrap the present Peter had given him and looking much more delighted than Harry did to see that it was a miniature broomstick. Remus had laughed as he saw the distinct look of disapproval on Lily's face and had sunk backwards into Sirius's embra—

"No!" Remus shouted at himself, jumping out of his seat and dislodging his drink as he did so. But he didn't notice. Remus leaned against the mantelpiece as his breath came harshly. He would not allow himself to think of that person. He would not allow himself to think of the way the left side of Sirius' mouth would raise slightly higher than the right when he smiled. Nor of the way Sirius would hold Remus tight against him as they sat on the floor in front of this very fireplace, protecting Remus from the cold night air. Remus shook his head as pictures of Sirius began to run through his mind. He could not afford to think about Sirius and of what they had been to one another. He could not stand the pain of it. The only thing about Sirius that Remus wanted to remember was that he had betrayed them. Before that, as far as Remus was concerned, Sirius had not known them and had definitely not meant anything to them.

Remus picked up his glass from the floor where it had rolled when he had dislodged it. Without even thinking he cleaned up the spilled drink with a wave of his wand before pouring himself another glass of the strong drink and sitting back down in his armchair.

Returning to his memories, Remus smiled as he thought of the time in sixth year that James had started a pillow fight in their dormitory at three o'clock in the morning. Said fight would have gone unnoticed by the rest of Gryffindor if not for a very girly squeak which erupted from Peter as he fell off the bed in an attempt to escape from Remus. The laughter which had erupted had woken the rest of the house and they had been interrupted shortly after by an incredibly irate Lily Evans. They had all tried their hardest to stifle their laughter as Lily had threatened to go to Professor McGonagall and tell her what had happened, but had failed when James had simply commented that he wouldn't hold it against her if she went out with him. Lily had slapped James before turning on her heel and storming out of the room and James had turned to his friends before asking quietly; 'What did I do?' causing the others to erupt in laughter yet again. It had been worth the hundred points or so that McGonagall had taken from them the next morning at breakfast.

Remus swallowed his drink and sighed, making himself more comfortable as the memories came flooding back. Memories of the time his friends had confronted him about his lycanthropy, and of the first night they had joined him, the wolf, in their Animagus forms. If there was another black haired boy or a shaggy black dog in these memories, Remus was too drunk to either notice or care. He remembered the morning he had woken up in the Hospital Wing after the full moon to see his friends surrounding his bed wearing party hats and each holding presents out to him. Even he had forgotten it was his birthday. Remus remembered the time the five of them had gone down to Hogsmeade shortly before they were to leave Hogwarts forever and had spent the entire day just laughing at everything. Remus remembered the first time he had woken up to find Sirius' form beside him in the bed and how his only reaction had been to move closer to the man he loved. He remembered the nights he and Sirius had spent curled up in front of the fireplace, just talking. Talking about everything and nothing at all.

That night, when Remus Lupin fell asleep on the armchair in front of the fire, memories of the friends who had become more than a family to him filled his mind and brought the traces of a smile to his lips and tears to his eyes. That night, for the first time in a year, he did not go to sleep with hope in his heart. And for the first time in a year, when he awoke in the morning to a sore body, he did not feel the pain of his heart breaking when he remembered that he was all alone.

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Message from the Author: Once again, thank you so much to everyone who reviewed for the last chapter. At least now I know that I wasn't the only one I made cry just a little. I hope that you all liked this chapter. It's probably my favourite (or second-favourite, I haven't decided yet) so far and definitely the hardest for me to write. So thank you for reading it.

Evalanis.