The Choice
Chapter 3
John stalked down the hallway, his mind on fire. He ignored the personnel that stepped out of his way, his memories of the dream consuming his thoughts. It was making him crazy.
He had forgotten Rodney and Elizabeth were going off-world today. Normally, he would have escorted them to P2X966, but he had been scheduled to meet with Kate Heightmeyer. He had put off seeing the psychologist three times, and Carson had warned him that if he cancelled this time, he would not be allowed to go off-world again. That order had been accompanied by a poke in the chest, and a glare from the Scotsman. Resigned, John had agreed to let Major Lorne and his team go with Elizabeth and Rodney.
That was before the nightmare. Now, though, the thought of letting either one of them out of his sight was unnerving. John ran a hand through his hair, his feet slowing as reality descended. It was only a dream. The truth was, Rodney and Elizabeth would have been very safe with Lorne. P2X966 was an established trading partner; they had been friendly allies for more than a year now. There was no reason to expect any kind of trouble.
Still, John had felt a shudder creep up his spine when Rodney had queried Elizabeth about their departure time. John knew his reaction had been unreasonable, but it was all he could think of to do at the time. Elizabeth was bound to call him on his actions, and Rodney – he was never going to hear the end of the scientist's complaints.
John stopped walking. This wasn't going to work. He needed to figure this out, or he was going to lose his two closest friends. He already owed them both a huge apology for his actions this morning.
He glanced at his watch. He was to meet with Heightmeyer in a half hour. Maybe she could help him. John frowned; he disliked speaking with the psychologist almost as much as Rodney, and the thought of revealing his dreams to anyone was distasteful. But he had to do something. Heaving a deep sigh, he turned around, his feet leading him to Heightmeyer's office.
oOo
Kate Heightmeyer was surprised. Sitting in her office, his hands in his lap, his eyes unsettled, was Colonel Sheppard. He hadn't responded to her greeting, and instead, entered the room and planted himself in one of her chairs. Kate watched him for a moment, then took the chair next to him.
He was troubled; that much was apparent. His eyes wore dark circles, and he sat straight and still, his posture rigid. He flinched as she touched his shoulder, then gave her a sad smile.
"Colonel Sheppard. What's wrong?" Kate's soft inquiry caused him to tense up even more, and John felt like he was going to shatter. He didn't answer for a long moment, then gave a deep sigh.
"I…I had a dream last night. A nightmare, really," he began hesitantly. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Kate nod. Nightmares were the number one problem the people of Atlantis complained about, even more so than the food.
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
John leaned back into his chair, his hands still clenched tightly together. Slowly, hoarsely, he began speaking, forcing the words out as he described the horror of last night.
"They…it.. whatever…made me choose! I didn't think I could do it……but I did." Tears were streaming down the Colonel's face, and he choked back a sob. His hands rubbed at his forehead, like his was trying to push the memory out of his mind. Kate stared at him thoughtfully for a moment, then reached out and laid her hands on his.
"You've had nightmares before, Colonel Sheppard. Yet this one seems to be affecting you more than any of the others. Do you know why?"
John nodded his head. "It was so real. I could see their fear. I could hear…." John trailed off, misery etched on his face. Kate sat back, a frown on her face.
"Colonel. I'm going to break a cardinal rule here, but I think it's necessary." She waited as he raised his head, his green eyes searching hers curiously. She got up and went around to her desk, flicking on her computer. She leaned over and typed in a command, then turned the screen towards Sheppard.
"First of all, you're not alone. Almost everyone on Atlantis has complained to either myself or Dr. Beckett about having nightmares. It's a common problem."
John nodded slowly. Dr. Heightmeyer paused for a long moment, then reached down and hit a key. Words scrolled across the monitor.
"I want you to read this," Kate said. John hesitated a moment, then leaned forward, his eyes scanning the screen.
Patient: Dr. Elizabeth Weir
Dr. Weir approached me this morning and asked if she could schedule an appointment. I could see that she was extremely distressed, and took her in immediately. She required a few moments to get her thoughts organized, but then proceeded to describe a nightmare she had the previous evening.
Apparently, the entire SGA-1 team, commanded by Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, had been killed. Dr. Weir acknowledged that she understood that it was only a dream, and that the team was not actually dead. However, she questioned her decision to have Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay be members of the team.
When I pushed, she admitted that she had been considering re-organizing the team so as to keep both Sheppard and McKay here on Atlantis.
John's eyes widened as he read the report. He knew Elizabeth worried when they went off-world, but she fretted about all the teams. The fact that she wanted to effectively ground both himself and Rodney was disconcerting.
Dr. Weir then recanted this statement, saying that she knew that both Sheppard and McKay would not want to remain on Atlantis, and, in fact, would probably make her life "a living hell" if she did order them to do so. She then spoke of her growing admiration for the two men, and revealed that she feared that without them, she would be unable to effectively run Atlantis. The fact that she had lost both men in her nightmare, as well as Teyla Emmagen and Ronon Dex, had rendered her extremely anxious. I reassured Dr. Weir that both Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay seemed more than capable to continue exploring the Pegasus galaxy, even if they did manage to get themselves into trouble.
John grimaced at the last statement. They didn't mean to find trouble; usually, it found them.
Unfortunately, Dr. Weir's problem remains unresolved at this time. I advised her to try and speak with both Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay, and share her dream with them, but she refused, citing that they each had "enough to worry about without their boss dumping on them." We scheduled another meeting in three days. KH
John stared at the screen for a long moment, feeling a rush of sympathy for Elizabeth. How hard it must be to see your colleagues, your friends, walk through the stargate, wondering if they would be all right, if they would return in one piece. Elizabeth rarely had the opportunity to go off-world, and John was perfectly happy if she never did again. He knew quite well how dangerous it was to leave the relative safety of Atlantis, and the thought of any harm coming to Elizabeth made his stomach clench. Now, it seemed as though she had the same reaction.
Kate was watching him carefully. She leaned over and typed another command into the computer, then swung the screen back towards Sheppard.
"Now read this," she said.
Patient: Dr. Rodney McKay
Dr. McKay arrived for his weekly appointment on time. When I inquired as to how things were going, he stated that he was continuing to suffer from nightmares almost every night. He refuses to take the sleep-aid Dr. Beckett prescribed, stating that he would prefer to deal with his fears rather than avoid them. While I commended Dr. McKay for his attitude, I wasn't surprised. Dr. McKay relishes confrontation of any kind.
He proceeded to describe his nightmare to me. In it, he was required to watch various people being killed by the Wraith. When I commented that his nightmares had changed, from having him be the victim to having others become victims, he reacted angrily.
"I preferred it when I was being tortured, actually. Watching John and Elizabeth suffer is much harder." We agreed that he despised feeling helpless, and that his growing affection for Dr. Weir and Colonel Sheppard were creating conflicting feelings. On one hand Dr. McKay enjoys the friendship and companionship he shares with the two. On the other, he fears that something will happen to either one, and he wouldn't "survive the loss" (his words).
Once again, Dr. McKay reiterated that he was considering resigning from the Atlantis project. This is the fourth or fifth time that he has admitted he was torn between remaining here on Atlantis or returning to Earth. He remains enamored with the city and the Pegasus galaxy, and is thriving with the relationships he has made here. However, his enormous burden of guilt after the deaths of so many of his colleagues, as well as his anxiety that he will be unable to "save the day" in the future often leave him depressed. He fears that his actions will result in injury or death to someone he cares deeply about.
Unfortunately, we ran out of time. I advised Dr. McKay to refrain to deciding on leaving Atlantis until he had more time to think about it. I also encouraged him to discuss his feelings with either Dr. Weir or Colonel Sheppard, but he refused, saying it was bad enough he was "spewing" his thoughts to me. We agreed to meet at the same time next week. KH
John was amazed. It had never crossed his mind that Rodney would even consider leaving Atlantis. If anyone belonged here, it was the grumpy physicist.
Kate gently pulled the computer away from John, then returned to her chair.
"I get your point, Doctor," John said quietly. And he did – he was not alone. Apparently, Elizabeth, Rodney and pretty much everyone else had the same fears, the same nightmares. The frightening thought was that here, in this strange and wonderful new place, your nightmares had a good chance of coming to life. John was familiar with the strong bonds that formed between soldiers in times of battle. Being isolated here, in a distant galaxy, with limited access to everything that was warm and familiar, had created ties between people who probably wouldn't have even given each other a morning greeting on Earth. Would John have befriended Rodney had he never come to Atlantis? Probably not. And he would have never had the chance to know the warmth and humor of Elizabeth, because he would have never met her.
John sat back in his chair and sighed. Kate stared at him for a moment, then spoke.
"Colonel Sheppard, you have an enormous protective instinct, especially for Dr. Weir and Dr. McKay. As the leaders of Atlantis, the three of you have formed an extremely close relationship. The thought of losing either one – permanently – is frightening." Kate Heightmeyer paused, watching as her words sank into John.
"You not only fear losing one of your friends, but actually having to move on without them. This relates to your "leave no one behind" motto. Unfortunately, after the incident with Lt. Ford, you realized that there will be times when people will be lost, and not only due to death. You feel you've failed Ford. You are afraid that one day you will also fail Dr. Weir or Dr. McKay, and your failure will result in their loss."
John nodded silently, realizing that in a few short sentences, Kate had summed up his entire psyche. He didn't know whether to be impressed or dismayed.
"John." Sheppard looked up, and saw the concern in Kate's eyes. "I think you need to talk to Dr. Weir and Dr. McKay. You need to tell them how you feel, tell them about your nightmare. All three of you have admitted that you fear losing the others. Keeping these feelings inside only gives fuel to the fear."
"But, how do I tell them about the choice I made? How do I tell them that I let one die?" John stood, his frustration making him pace the floor. He ran a hand through his hair, his green eyes tormented.
Kate shook her head slowly. "It was only a dream, John. They will understand that."
John paused, feeling cold. "I hope you're right."
TBC