The Choice
Chapter 4
Elizabeth was seated behind her desk, nearly obscured by the piles of paperwork. It seemed ironic to her that a majority of the work performed here on Atlantis was managed by computer systems, yet there still was an inordinate amount of paper generated. She stifled a yawn, then reached over to take a sip of coffee, only to find her cup empty.
"Need a refill?" John's voice startled her, and she dropped her cup to the floor.
He sauntered over, then reached down to retrieve the mug. He still seemed ragged, his green eyes tired and haunted. But he gave her a small half-smile before placing the cup carefully on her desk.
"Elizabeth, we need to talk," John said. She nodded, then walked over to the door, closing it firmly. She turned, and folded her arms across her chest. Her eyes were wary and concerned.
"What happened this morning, John?" She remained leaning against the door, and John heaved a huge sigh, then sat against the corner of her desk.
"Look, I'm sorry. I overreacted, I know. But, I…..I had a nightmare last night, and …" He trailed off, searching for the words to describe the jolt of fear he felt when she and Rodney started discussing their off-world plans.
Elizabeth's frown transformed into understanding. She couldn't remember the last time she had a good nights sleep, even tossing and turning when her body was exhausted. That John had been so affected by a dream meant that it must have been horrific.
She approached him, letting her hip brush his as she moved next to him. Always, whenever she was next to this man, she felt safe and comforted. She hoped that her presence would have the same effect on him. He remained leaning on her desk, his head drooping as though the weight of the world was balanced on his shoulders. And, in many ways, it was. John took his responsibility as the protector of Atlantis and her people quite seriously. It was one of the reasons Elizabeth had forced the committee to promote him to Lt. Colonel. John had earned the rank, as far as Elizabeth was concerned.
"Do you want to tell me about your nightmare?" she asked softly, and she was startled to see real fear in his eyes.
"No, I don't, but Heightmeyer says that it will help if I do." Elizabeth's eyebrows raised; this nightmare had shaken him enough to make him see Kate. This was a first.
Slowly, hesitantly, painfully, John began speaking of his nightmare. Elizabeth could hear the anguish in his voice as he described his helplessness, his rage, at being unable to rescue either Rodney or herself. She could see his agony at being forced to chose one of them to live, and she felt a familiar shudder creep up her spine. She, too, had nightmares where her decisions resulted in someone being injured or killed.
John had stopped speaking. He took in a deep breath, trying to maintain control, and Elizabeth resisted the impulse to wrap her arms around the Colonel. Now wasn't the moment for comfort; now, she had to listen to him and remain the detached leader.
"I couldn't let you both die," John whispered. He finally turned to look at Elizabeth, and saw the sympathy in her eyes. He opened his mouth, to reveal who he had chosen, when suddenly, she left his side and paced the room. She paused and held up one hand.
"I don't want to know, John." Elizabeth clenched her hands into fists and let her arms drop to her sides. "I've had the same nightmare, and no matter what happens, no matter what decision I make, the result is the same. I wake up feeling guilty. Lost. Responsible."
John nodded his head, watching as she approached him and placed her hands on his shoulders.
"I just need to know that you did make a decision, John. That no matter how hard it was, you were able to make a choice." Her face was determined and John realized that as leader of this expedition, Elizabeth was required to make choices everyday, choices that could potentially lead to someone's death. He had known this all along, but, in the wake of this nightmare, the reality of their lives suddenly became apparent.
And the reality was, that for every triumph was a tragedy. Although life on Earth was every bit as tenuous as it was here on Atlantis, somehow, life here seemed much more precious, friendships more dear. Some of the stress had been relieved by the arrival of a ZPM, and by Colonel Caldwell and the Daedelus, but still, they were isolated, far from the familiar, extraordinarily dependent on each other. Everything was heightened here on Atlantis: fears, joys, relationships, losses. It was draining and exhilarating at the same time.
He gazed into Elizabeth's face, noting the lines around her eyes, the brittleness of her smile. Had he been able to choose between Rodney and Elizabeth?
"Yes. I was able to choose," he answered. She nodded her head, a thoughtful look on her face, then she enveloped him in a hug. Surprised, John stiffened for a moment, then feeling her warmth, he wrapped his arms around her and returned the embrace.
They remained entwined for a long moment, then Elizabeth stepped back, gently running a hand across his shoulder.
"I knew you could, John. That's all that matters." She gave him a quick, sad smile, then asked gently, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I guess Heightmeyer was right; talking does help." And, to his surprise, he did feel better. The nightmare, which had loomed so large and real, now seemed to be fading, drifting, dissolving into scattered remnants. John felt cleaner, lighter, and no longer smothered by his fear. He took in a deep breath.
"Wanna have dinner later?" he asked, his face still drawn but a slight twinkle in his eye, and Elizabeth smiled. This was the John Sheppard she was accustomed to, teasing and fun and so very handsome. She squelched her own fears of losing this man, and made a show of considering his offer.
"Well, seeing as you owe me for this morning, I suppose the least you could do is buy me dinner," she replied. He grinned, then turned to leave.
"I'll pick you up at 19:00?" He paused for a moment, waiting for her nod, then, his step noticeably lighter, headed down the hallway.
TBC