AUTHOR'S NOTES: I know that I haven't finished 'Awakening Of The Heart' I
promise that it's getting done, but is taking longer than I thought it
would, but this fic is on the Enchanting Place and I thought I should post
it here too.
Only Mere Moments
By Maddy
Summary: 1st in the "Universal Language" series. Any choice has consequences, but what if the person you need to help you get through them, is the one person you can't be around?
Rating: PG13 through to R, but only in some parts. For swearing and such.
Spoilers: Okay, only seasons 1 - 4 of Buffy happened, after that, it swings into my alternate reality. Only season 1 of Angel happened, you'll find out why soon...
Timeline: Starts in 2023, then goes back to June 2000. I know I have a thing for time jumping fic but I like 'em, okay? Is that okay with you? Wink
Disclaimer: Own nothing from Buffyverse. Never could. And with Angel maybe finishing forever, I really don't want to right now.
Dedication: None. Only joking, this is to everyone who has reviewed/feedbacked any of my stories. Thanks a heap.
Feedback: Always wanted, needed and craved.
Author's Notes: First: A warning of angst. There's a lot of it, not sure if there is a tissue warning, could be. Second: This will be long, by my standards anyway. So I'm saying sorry in advance about delays between parts, not that I won't apologize again anyway. Third: Dawn's there already. If she wasn't there already, I'm not sure how I would incorporate her into the story. Fourth: I don't really have a place for Spike in this fic, sorry, but he's disappeared off the face of the earth, I'll give an explanation at some point. That's about it, go and read it.
Prologue Ocean Of Thoughts September 22nd 2023
You laugh now at the bad times, well I do, because it doesn't seem so bad anymore. The deaths, my death, aren't as hard to bear, maybe 'cause there was so many, that after awhile it just didn't hurt anymore. But not the deaths, of loved ones, no, they always hurt. Some never stop. But some do, and sometimes, even if you don't want to, you feel relief that they have died. A horrible, horrible notion, but I have had them, and I don't regret it, maybe feel guilty, but never regret. Does that make me a person worth knowing, a person worth living? I'm not sure.
I have lived the life I was meant to. And that makes me happy, because I have been happy. More happy than I could have ever hoped for. And I partly owe it to the death of a man I once cared for, a man who loved me. A man who gave me a reason to keep going, until I could be happy once more. And for that, he will always have a special place in my life, he's a part of it.
I look out onto the ocean in front of my house, our house. The waves rolling up onto the sand, then rolling back out. Some bigger than others, others smaller. Maybe waves are like emotions, good ones and bad, some big and some small, but all important, all play a part. I have grown to hate my emotional personality, all right, I'm not that emotional, it really depends on who is around me, if I'll shut down, cut myself off, or let it all out, knowing that I didn't have to hide.
There was always one person who I never had to hide from, a man who know what I was really
thinking, a man who knew me and loved me as I was. He has been my enemy, my lover, my friend, but always the love of my life. Now he is my husband, my best friend, and the father of my children.
I walk back towards the house we made our home. Leaving the ocean behind me, waiting for me to come back tomorrow, like I have for 20 years. I love the ocean, haven't always, I love the mystery, the dark, and the beasts that dwell underneath. We all have our demons, mine, is me.
The house is dimly lit, full of furniture and junk we've collected over the years. Four stories, sixty-four bedrooms, four wings and too many bathrooms to count, three kitchens, several living areas, all having different purposes. I guess I should have mentioned it earlier, but I have never found it very important, not something that I ever cared about, but I have to admit money does make life much easier. And we have a lot of it. The house, well manor, is huge, beyond huge, but it has to be to fit the forty- five people living here on the property, a few hundred meters from the main house is a smaller residency for some of our employers.
Old friends and their spouses who have turned into family, their children, all too young to leave home, my children and husband. Also, maids, gardeners, cooks and two butlers. We all live together, but technically they live with us. We invited them to live here, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Past me rushes two forms, one bigger than the other. I know who they are, my youngest being chased by his father, not knowing or caring why, I follow them. I follow...I was never meant to follow anyone, I was the leader, the general even. But never a follower, and yet I follow. Why? What's changed? Has anything changed, or am I still the same?
I walked into the room where they were mock-fighting. I smile, and realize, that everything has
changed, nothing is the same as it once was, I am different, we all are. It was that night, I remember it so well, like it was yesterday, but it wasn't, not even close to being yesterday. Twenty-three years ago, the year was 2000, and it was June...I still recall the exact date...four days after I let a man die...it was the fifteenth when I faced my demons, the ones I had created.
It is sometimes hard to believe the things I have done, the sins, the shameful, the disgusting, but none did I loathe myself more, than what I did on the eleventh of June in the year 2000. None.
I hated myself for so long, I hated him for making me choose him, and I hated the Powers for putting me in that position. For the longest time, I wanted to die, but could not, for I had to live for someone else, my death meant theirs, and this I could not bear. So I lived, existed really, but soon I lived, and loved it once more. Because of a man who really was an angel, and a life I had created, not out of love, but out of loneliness.
He reaches for my hand, and pulls me down next to him. I smile at him, and he smiles back. Kisses me full on the lips and says "I love you," like he does several times a day, not that I don't already know it, but because it's the easiest thing to say, and because it is true.
"I love you," I say to him, saying that to him is the most natural thing in the world to me. I've never held it back, for I knew it was true, since the moment I first saw him, I knew he was the one, the only for me.
Two men have believed that. They both knew the truth, but only one was willing to let me go. The other, well, he didn't have me in the first place. You cannot give what you don't have.
I wonder if he knows what I am thinking, does he know I think of the other often? Maybe, but maybe not. One day I'll tell him. But that day is not today, today, I tell him that I love him, and him alone. And keep my thoughts inside my head.
"I love you." I say yet again. "It's the only thing I have ever been sure of."
"I know the feeling."
He kisses my forehead, his once cold lips filled with warmth. His once pale, young skin, tanned and aged. Humanity...his reward and his curse. Like it is mine. I'm not the girl I was long ago. Too long actually, I barely remember what it was like to be her. Does he remember her? Does he want her back? Do I?
Later that night, I stand by the largest window in our room, it has a direct view of the Pacific Ocean, the waves, the water and the moonlight that dances upon them. I'm mesmerized. Such a beautiful and dangerous thing, it holds the most important and illusive facts, filled with secrets. Mysterious, the unknown has fascinated humankind for thousands of years, just as it's fascinated me.
He comes into the room, gets changed, gets into bed and begins to read a book. I know he's watching me, I can feel it. I know he worries about me. Why though? I'm okay. I'm better than okay. I want to believe that, I want to believe like I used to.
"I thought about it today."
Why did I say that?
"I know."
I turn to face him. "How?"
"I always know." He answers back, cryptic as ever.
He smiles and I know he understands. Has always understood. Always will. How could I have ever doubted it? I smile at him, trying to tell him by my eyes, by my face, just how much I love him. Even if I can't or don't always show it, I hope he's always known that I've loved him with every breath since our first meeting.
I turn back to stare out the window, at the ocean. With each wave that rolls onto the beach, the big and the small...I let the memories wash over me...the ones I have longed to be forgotten...but like most things in my life, wishes, my wishes, just never came true...all but him, and the cost was just too great...Memories, some should stay forgotten, or shoved to the very back of your mind, never to think of them again, but it doesn't always work that way. I'm envious of the people who get to forget, but I have a living reminder of what I did, and whose life I ended...
For another man...a man I could never have, at the point in time anyway...but a man I always wanted. Who was really an angel in disguise...
Only Mere Moments
By Maddy
Summary: 1st in the "Universal Language" series. Any choice has consequences, but what if the person you need to help you get through them, is the one person you can't be around?
Rating: PG13 through to R, but only in some parts. For swearing and such.
Spoilers: Okay, only seasons 1 - 4 of Buffy happened, after that, it swings into my alternate reality. Only season 1 of Angel happened, you'll find out why soon...
Timeline: Starts in 2023, then goes back to June 2000. I know I have a thing for time jumping fic but I like 'em, okay? Is that okay with you? Wink
Disclaimer: Own nothing from Buffyverse. Never could. And with Angel maybe finishing forever, I really don't want to right now.
Dedication: None. Only joking, this is to everyone who has reviewed/feedbacked any of my stories. Thanks a heap.
Feedback: Always wanted, needed and craved.
Author's Notes: First: A warning of angst. There's a lot of it, not sure if there is a tissue warning, could be. Second: This will be long, by my standards anyway. So I'm saying sorry in advance about delays between parts, not that I won't apologize again anyway. Third: Dawn's there already. If she wasn't there already, I'm not sure how I would incorporate her into the story. Fourth: I don't really have a place for Spike in this fic, sorry, but he's disappeared off the face of the earth, I'll give an explanation at some point. That's about it, go and read it.
Prologue Ocean Of Thoughts September 22nd 2023
You laugh now at the bad times, well I do, because it doesn't seem so bad anymore. The deaths, my death, aren't as hard to bear, maybe 'cause there was so many, that after awhile it just didn't hurt anymore. But not the deaths, of loved ones, no, they always hurt. Some never stop. But some do, and sometimes, even if you don't want to, you feel relief that they have died. A horrible, horrible notion, but I have had them, and I don't regret it, maybe feel guilty, but never regret. Does that make me a person worth knowing, a person worth living? I'm not sure.
I have lived the life I was meant to. And that makes me happy, because I have been happy. More happy than I could have ever hoped for. And I partly owe it to the death of a man I once cared for, a man who loved me. A man who gave me a reason to keep going, until I could be happy once more. And for that, he will always have a special place in my life, he's a part of it.
I look out onto the ocean in front of my house, our house. The waves rolling up onto the sand, then rolling back out. Some bigger than others, others smaller. Maybe waves are like emotions, good ones and bad, some big and some small, but all important, all play a part. I have grown to hate my emotional personality, all right, I'm not that emotional, it really depends on who is around me, if I'll shut down, cut myself off, or let it all out, knowing that I didn't have to hide.
There was always one person who I never had to hide from, a man who know what I was really
thinking, a man who knew me and loved me as I was. He has been my enemy, my lover, my friend, but always the love of my life. Now he is my husband, my best friend, and the father of my children.
I walk back towards the house we made our home. Leaving the ocean behind me, waiting for me to come back tomorrow, like I have for 20 years. I love the ocean, haven't always, I love the mystery, the dark, and the beasts that dwell underneath. We all have our demons, mine, is me.
The house is dimly lit, full of furniture and junk we've collected over the years. Four stories, sixty-four bedrooms, four wings and too many bathrooms to count, three kitchens, several living areas, all having different purposes. I guess I should have mentioned it earlier, but I have never found it very important, not something that I ever cared about, but I have to admit money does make life much easier. And we have a lot of it. The house, well manor, is huge, beyond huge, but it has to be to fit the forty- five people living here on the property, a few hundred meters from the main house is a smaller residency for some of our employers.
Old friends and their spouses who have turned into family, their children, all too young to leave home, my children and husband. Also, maids, gardeners, cooks and two butlers. We all live together, but technically they live with us. We invited them to live here, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Past me rushes two forms, one bigger than the other. I know who they are, my youngest being chased by his father, not knowing or caring why, I follow them. I follow...I was never meant to follow anyone, I was the leader, the general even. But never a follower, and yet I follow. Why? What's changed? Has anything changed, or am I still the same?
I walked into the room where they were mock-fighting. I smile, and realize, that everything has
changed, nothing is the same as it once was, I am different, we all are. It was that night, I remember it so well, like it was yesterday, but it wasn't, not even close to being yesterday. Twenty-three years ago, the year was 2000, and it was June...I still recall the exact date...four days after I let a man die...it was the fifteenth when I faced my demons, the ones I had created.
It is sometimes hard to believe the things I have done, the sins, the shameful, the disgusting, but none did I loathe myself more, than what I did on the eleventh of June in the year 2000. None.
I hated myself for so long, I hated him for making me choose him, and I hated the Powers for putting me in that position. For the longest time, I wanted to die, but could not, for I had to live for someone else, my death meant theirs, and this I could not bear. So I lived, existed really, but soon I lived, and loved it once more. Because of a man who really was an angel, and a life I had created, not out of love, but out of loneliness.
He reaches for my hand, and pulls me down next to him. I smile at him, and he smiles back. Kisses me full on the lips and says "I love you," like he does several times a day, not that I don't already know it, but because it's the easiest thing to say, and because it is true.
"I love you," I say to him, saying that to him is the most natural thing in the world to me. I've never held it back, for I knew it was true, since the moment I first saw him, I knew he was the one, the only for me.
Two men have believed that. They both knew the truth, but only one was willing to let me go. The other, well, he didn't have me in the first place. You cannot give what you don't have.
I wonder if he knows what I am thinking, does he know I think of the other often? Maybe, but maybe not. One day I'll tell him. But that day is not today, today, I tell him that I love him, and him alone. And keep my thoughts inside my head.
"I love you." I say yet again. "It's the only thing I have ever been sure of."
"I know the feeling."
He kisses my forehead, his once cold lips filled with warmth. His once pale, young skin, tanned and aged. Humanity...his reward and his curse. Like it is mine. I'm not the girl I was long ago. Too long actually, I barely remember what it was like to be her. Does he remember her? Does he want her back? Do I?
Later that night, I stand by the largest window in our room, it has a direct view of the Pacific Ocean, the waves, the water and the moonlight that dances upon them. I'm mesmerized. Such a beautiful and dangerous thing, it holds the most important and illusive facts, filled with secrets. Mysterious, the unknown has fascinated humankind for thousands of years, just as it's fascinated me.
He comes into the room, gets changed, gets into bed and begins to read a book. I know he's watching me, I can feel it. I know he worries about me. Why though? I'm okay. I'm better than okay. I want to believe that, I want to believe like I used to.
"I thought about it today."
Why did I say that?
"I know."
I turn to face him. "How?"
"I always know." He answers back, cryptic as ever.
He smiles and I know he understands. Has always understood. Always will. How could I have ever doubted it? I smile at him, trying to tell him by my eyes, by my face, just how much I love him. Even if I can't or don't always show it, I hope he's always known that I've loved him with every breath since our first meeting.
I turn back to stare out the window, at the ocean. With each wave that rolls onto the beach, the big and the small...I let the memories wash over me...the ones I have longed to be forgotten...but like most things in my life, wishes, my wishes, just never came true...all but him, and the cost was just too great...Memories, some should stay forgotten, or shoved to the very back of your mind, never to think of them again, but it doesn't always work that way. I'm envious of the people who get to forget, but I have a living reminder of what I did, and whose life I ended...
For another man...a man I could never have, at the point in time anyway...but a man I always wanted. Who was really an angel in disguise...