Part One Grief And Guilt 11th June
2000
Water. It was everywhere. I hate water. It was everywhere. Not the way it is when you're in the ocean or in a swimming pool, but it was quickly filling the room, spurting through cracks in the walls, from the floorboards, underneath the doors, pounding against the windows trying to break the glass...which was covered with spider-web cracks. I spun around the room, searching for a way out that didn't include water. So not my forte. I have to get out.
Suddenly something pounded on the door, it shook with each blow. I gulped and took a step away from the door. "So not going that way." Where else was there to go? Damn, I can't die. I can't!
But I deserve too, so maybe this is the end for me. Maybe this is my destiny, to die, by water, for it to wash away my sins, as it where. Never been big on religion, but...
Crack!
The door smashed as the water broke through, but that's not all that broke through. A man drenched from head to toe came running straight at me. "Buffy...oh, god. You're alive."
"Angel?"
He pulled me toward him, his strong arms enveloping me whole, and who wouldn't want to be covered by him? I push him away, we can't...I'm beneath him. "We have to get out of here!" He yelled over the loud rushing sounds. He grabbed my hand, and we ran towards the open doorway. We only got few feet when the windows smashed and the water rushed through.
The last thing I remember is Angel pulling me towards him before the water and glass hit us.
"You think she feels guilty?"
"Xander, of course she does. She loved him."
"Yeah, but not as much as she loves Dead Boy."
Silence.
"Maybe not, but she'd still feel guilty."
"But that's all she'll feel, Willow. That's all! Do you even realize what would have happened if-"
"Of course I do. We would have lost her. She would have wanted to go with him."
"I guess-"
I moaned as the use of my muscles came back. I could feel again, I could feel everything. Everything.
"Buffy!" Okay that was loud. "Oh god, you're awake." Arms crushed me. "She's awake."
"I can see that Willow." Said Xander, kindly. "Good to have you awake." He pried Willow off me and hugged me. I felt weird with them touching me. I wouldn't want to touch me.
"Yeah." My eyes widened at the thought. "Where's Angel? Is he okay? Where is he?"
"He's fine, Buff. He is a vampire after all." Said Xander letting me go.
"Where is he?"
"Here."
He stood in the doorway to my hospital room. Wait...I'm in a hospital room. I have to get out of here. I turned my head to look at the IV drip in my arm. My fingers itching to get it out of me. Angel must have noticed my distress, because he crossed the space between us and gently held my hand in his. Xander glared, while Willow just looked concerned.
I wanted to yell at them, tell them they're being stupid and immature. Angel and I can never be together again, but can't they understand I need him, always, no matter what. I need someone who knows what it's like to be me.
And they don't, and never can.
"Are you all right?"
"I could ask the same thing about you."
"Buffy..."
"I'm fine."
"Me too." He said with a smile.
I found I could smile too.
They later told me I had been unconscious for a day and a bit, so most of my wounds had already healed. The physical ones at least...the emotional ones...well, that was a very different story...
I was home the next night. My Mom's home. Not mine. I don't live there anymore, I don't live anywhere anymore. She put me back into my old room, saying that I could stay here as long as I needed. Like I was a guest, and not her eldest child. Like I didn't belong. I don't know how she can look at me, I don't know how any of them can. It's my fault he's dead. All mine. They all liked him a lot, much more than they ever liked Angel. But I didn't.
The things in my room looked different, is it because I haven't looked at them in a long time? Or is it because I see things differently now? All this thinking is making my head hurt. I need to lay down.
As my head hits the pillow, I hear a tap on my window. Angel is there peering in at me. I take a deep breath and nod. He slides up the window pane and steps into my room, much like he did three years ago. I move over and create a space for him.
I drift off to a hopefully peaceful sleep, in the arms of my once and always love. Does he think that about me, or am I being naive? Maybe a bit of both.
He kisses my hair and I lean further into him. I breathe in his scent and I feel...it feels like home.
"Thanks."
"No problem." He whispers near my ear.
I close my eyes, and fall asleep, but not before I hear him say: "I love you."
When I woke the next morning he wasn't there, but I didn't really expect him to be, he never stuck around for long. The curtains were closed, that puzzled me. I didn't close them, and why would Angel if he left? What if he didn't leave? With new zest I got out of bed and went downstairs and into the kitchen where voices were coming from, there I met Angel making breakfast for Dawn. I smiled at the normal-ness of the scene.
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, Buffy?" Asked Angel with his back turned to me. I felt a rush of love towards him, of course he knew I was there. I instantly regret thinking that he never stuck around, he did if he was needed. He's needed. Always needed.
"Yes please, that would be great."
"How did you know she was there, I didn't tell you?" Asked my always annoying fourteen-year-old sister.
"I always know." Angel answered back, cryptically as ever. He handed Dawn her plate filled with bacon and eggs. She happily took it and began stuffing her face.
I sat myself down next to her. "Where's Mom?"
"Meeting with the Finn's. She didn't think you would be ready to see them." Said Dawn between mouthfuls. And by the severe look on Angel's face, she wasn't meant to tell me.
"Oh."
Dawn quickly went back to eating her breakfast, not looking up. Angel didn't say anything as he passed me my large breakfast, instead I looked up at him, and met his pain-filled eyes with my own. His pain was for me, mine, was mine.
I broke eye contact and ate my food, which was pretty good. None of us spoke. No one knew what to say.
"Buffy! Dawn!" Called my mother as she came through the door.
"In here." Dawn said from her spot on the sofa. I didn't speak, can't find the words right now. Not the right ones anyway. Joyce Summers, a single mother of two, one of them being a Vampire Slayer. I can't even begin to conceive how terrible that must be sometimes, most of the time. When am I not fighting for my life? When am I not in danger?
"That was tough. They knew nothing of demons and Hellmouths. That's why I'm so late, explaining the demonic world to people who want to be in total denial is hard. I wasn't that deluded was I? Is Angel still here?"
"Yeah," answered Dawn. "He's in the kitchen getting Buffy a drink. He's her slave now-"
"Angel is not my slave."
"No, he just does everything for you. If that's not a slave, I don't know what one is."
"You don't know anything." I snapped.
"Buffy..."
"I'm sorry, Mom. Dawn...I didn't mean-"
"It's okay." She gave me a reassuring smile. For only the sixth or seventh time in her life, I am glad Dawn is my sister.
"How are...the - um..."
"They're as good as they can be." Said my Mom sitting down next to Dawn. I looked at them from the armchair I currently occupied, they look right, like they're supposed to be here. I wonder if I look right. "They knew he was in the army, obviously, but-" She faltered as Angel walked into the living room, a quick glance between him and myself and then she continued. "But, a death is always sudden even with a high risk job like Ri-...like his."
Silence fell over us. Angel handed me the cup of hot tea and perched himself on one of the arms of the chair. I looked up at him and smiled. He half-smiled back. I felt my pulse quicken, and I could tell he heard.
"Buffy, they want to-"
"I-I...can't. I can't."
"Honey, you have to do this."
"Do I!?" I yelled putting the cup on the table in front of me. "Do I? Who says? You? I can't. I'm sorry if that makes me a more horrible person. But I'm already horrible. It's my fault that he-"
"It was not your fault," said Angel softly.
"Yes, IT IS!" I screamed leaping to me feet. "I had a choice. It was my decision, Angel. And I chose you. The love 'em and leave 'em guy, over Mister Normal. I did this. How can they look at their son's mu-"-"
"Because they know it's not your fault." Said my mother rising to her feet.
"Did you tell them everything? Did you tell them-"
"Of course not. How could I tell them that my daughter, their son's girlfriend, chose a vampire over him? You can't tell people that! You can't!"
"And neither can I!"
I ran from the room, I knew Angel was running after me even before I heard his footsteps on the stairs. I flung open my door, the curtains were still closed, the room still dark. I wanted to open them wide and let the light in, even just a little bit. But I didn't, not just because of the vampire standing behind me, but because like him, the light will burn me to a crisp. Not literally, but you get the idea.
"How can you even stand to be around me?"
"I should be asking you that question. Buffy, I've killed thousands of people-"
"That wasn't you, and you know it."
"Maybe, but that doesn't mean I wasn't responsible. For a hundred years I thought people wouldn't want to be near me, most didn't but, you...you loved me and showed me that I wasn't a monster with a man inside. That I could make a difference. It's not your fault, Buffy. You had to chose, and you did."
"But I chose you. And everyone sees that as a bad, 'the world as we know it is ending', thing."
"Do you?"
"No."
"That's the problem, isn't it?"
"Yeah, pretty much." I sat down on the end of my bed. "I feel guilty, really guilty and I can't grieve because all I can think about is, how glad I am that it wasn't you."
"Oh, Buffy..."
The tears I had yet to cry fell from my eyes and Angel rushed at me. His arms around me, mine around him. And I cried.
He thought I was crying because Riley is dead, I am crying because of that, but also for another reason, a reason that should have made me chose Riley to live and Angel to die, but I didn't.
"I couldn't watch you die again."
"Shh..."
"Can you ever forgive me?"
"Of course."
Angel didn't realize I wasn't asking him for forgiveness. But now wasn't the time to set things right, they never were when it came to us. Angel and I. There hasn't been an 'us' for over a year, and the really horrible part is, that right now, I wish there was.
And I cried.
And he held me.
They want me to meet Mister and Missus Finn. I can't. I won't and I can't. And they can't make me. Not even Angel. Of course they all thought he would be able to, maybe that's why Mom hasn't kicked him out yet. She wants him around so that I'm agreeable.
The countless arguments, discussions and I still wouldn't meet them. It's been 3 days since Riley's death, his funeral is in 2 hours, so I guess I'll be meeting them there. I still can't, but now I have too. I have to say goodbye.
I'm standing in front of my wardrobe, wondering what to wear. In theory it shouldn't be hard, my wardrobe is filled with black. But not many appropriate for funerals. I've been to many, too many. But this one feels different. Not worse, but like it should be, because it's expected of me. I loved him ,or so they reckon. That should mean I'll be in mourning for the rest of my life, but I won't be.
Angel isn't coming, even if it wasn't during the middle of the day he wouldn't come. Of course not, why would anyone want to go to your ex- girlfriend's dead boyfriend's funeral. It's not appropriate. I want him to be there, the selfish part of me does. He's been my rock these past few days and I haven't been away from him for more than an hour at a time. I think I'm becoming to dependent on him, but who else is there?
"Buffy, you nearly ready? Okay, that would be a no." He said once seeing I was wearing just a towel, with my hair up off my face, a few curls framing my face.
"I don't know what to wear."
"Let me help."
He helped me chose a black dress I had forgotten even having, It was knee length, kind of lose with thin straps as sleeves, so to cover up a bit more I'll be wearing a black cardigan. Angel left while I got dressed. I said goodbye to him at the bottom of the stairs. He held my in his arms, I rested my head against his silent chest.
"I need you there."
"No you don't."
"Yes, I do." I always need you.
"Buffy, you're stronger than you realize. You don't give yourself enough credit. You can do this, but I'll be here for as long as you need me."
"How's forever?"
"Forever's works just fine."
I lifted my head and stared right in his eyes, he gulped, I licked my lips. Before I knew it, I had pulled his head down towards mine. Lips only an inch or two apart.
"We shouldn't-"
"Yes, we should. I love you, Angel." Have always loved you, I said silently, hope he heard me anyway.
"I love you, too. But that doesn't mean we can-"
"No, it doesn't. We can."
He smiled down at me, and I wanted to fly, felt as though I could. And all over a smile. But he does that to me, Riley never could, and that's why I chose Angel.
Our lips met in a passionate kiss, a kiss that has been pent up for a year and a half. And damn was it fantastic.
Water. It was everywhere. I hate water. It was everywhere. Not the way it is when you're in the ocean or in a swimming pool, but it was quickly filling the room, spurting through cracks in the walls, from the floorboards, underneath the doors, pounding against the windows trying to break the glass...which was covered with spider-web cracks. I spun around the room, searching for a way out that didn't include water. So not my forte. I have to get out.
Suddenly something pounded on the door, it shook with each blow. I gulped and took a step away from the door. "So not going that way." Where else was there to go? Damn, I can't die. I can't!
But I deserve too, so maybe this is the end for me. Maybe this is my destiny, to die, by water, for it to wash away my sins, as it where. Never been big on religion, but...
Crack!
The door smashed as the water broke through, but that's not all that broke through. A man drenched from head to toe came running straight at me. "Buffy...oh, god. You're alive."
"Angel?"
He pulled me toward him, his strong arms enveloping me whole, and who wouldn't want to be covered by him? I push him away, we can't...I'm beneath him. "We have to get out of here!" He yelled over the loud rushing sounds. He grabbed my hand, and we ran towards the open doorway. We only got few feet when the windows smashed and the water rushed through.
The last thing I remember is Angel pulling me towards him before the water and glass hit us.
"You think she feels guilty?"
"Xander, of course she does. She loved him."
"Yeah, but not as much as she loves Dead Boy."
Silence.
"Maybe not, but she'd still feel guilty."
"But that's all she'll feel, Willow. That's all! Do you even realize what would have happened if-"
"Of course I do. We would have lost her. She would have wanted to go with him."
"I guess-"
I moaned as the use of my muscles came back. I could feel again, I could feel everything. Everything.
"Buffy!" Okay that was loud. "Oh god, you're awake." Arms crushed me. "She's awake."
"I can see that Willow." Said Xander, kindly. "Good to have you awake." He pried Willow off me and hugged me. I felt weird with them touching me. I wouldn't want to touch me.
"Yeah." My eyes widened at the thought. "Where's Angel? Is he okay? Where is he?"
"He's fine, Buff. He is a vampire after all." Said Xander letting me go.
"Where is he?"
"Here."
He stood in the doorway to my hospital room. Wait...I'm in a hospital room. I have to get out of here. I turned my head to look at the IV drip in my arm. My fingers itching to get it out of me. Angel must have noticed my distress, because he crossed the space between us and gently held my hand in his. Xander glared, while Willow just looked concerned.
I wanted to yell at them, tell them they're being stupid and immature. Angel and I can never be together again, but can't they understand I need him, always, no matter what. I need someone who knows what it's like to be me.
And they don't, and never can.
"Are you all right?"
"I could ask the same thing about you."
"Buffy..."
"I'm fine."
"Me too." He said with a smile.
I found I could smile too.
They later told me I had been unconscious for a day and a bit, so most of my wounds had already healed. The physical ones at least...the emotional ones...well, that was a very different story...
I was home the next night. My Mom's home. Not mine. I don't live there anymore, I don't live anywhere anymore. She put me back into my old room, saying that I could stay here as long as I needed. Like I was a guest, and not her eldest child. Like I didn't belong. I don't know how she can look at me, I don't know how any of them can. It's my fault he's dead. All mine. They all liked him a lot, much more than they ever liked Angel. But I didn't.
The things in my room looked different, is it because I haven't looked at them in a long time? Or is it because I see things differently now? All this thinking is making my head hurt. I need to lay down.
As my head hits the pillow, I hear a tap on my window. Angel is there peering in at me. I take a deep breath and nod. He slides up the window pane and steps into my room, much like he did three years ago. I move over and create a space for him.
I drift off to a hopefully peaceful sleep, in the arms of my once and always love. Does he think that about me, or am I being naive? Maybe a bit of both.
He kisses my hair and I lean further into him. I breathe in his scent and I feel...it feels like home.
"Thanks."
"No problem." He whispers near my ear.
I close my eyes, and fall asleep, but not before I hear him say: "I love you."
When I woke the next morning he wasn't there, but I didn't really expect him to be, he never stuck around for long. The curtains were closed, that puzzled me. I didn't close them, and why would Angel if he left? What if he didn't leave? With new zest I got out of bed and went downstairs and into the kitchen where voices were coming from, there I met Angel making breakfast for Dawn. I smiled at the normal-ness of the scene.
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, Buffy?" Asked Angel with his back turned to me. I felt a rush of love towards him, of course he knew I was there. I instantly regret thinking that he never stuck around, he did if he was needed. He's needed. Always needed.
"Yes please, that would be great."
"How did you know she was there, I didn't tell you?" Asked my always annoying fourteen-year-old sister.
"I always know." Angel answered back, cryptically as ever. He handed Dawn her plate filled with bacon and eggs. She happily took it and began stuffing her face.
I sat myself down next to her. "Where's Mom?"
"Meeting with the Finn's. She didn't think you would be ready to see them." Said Dawn between mouthfuls. And by the severe look on Angel's face, she wasn't meant to tell me.
"Oh."
Dawn quickly went back to eating her breakfast, not looking up. Angel didn't say anything as he passed me my large breakfast, instead I looked up at him, and met his pain-filled eyes with my own. His pain was for me, mine, was mine.
I broke eye contact and ate my food, which was pretty good. None of us spoke. No one knew what to say.
"Buffy! Dawn!" Called my mother as she came through the door.
"In here." Dawn said from her spot on the sofa. I didn't speak, can't find the words right now. Not the right ones anyway. Joyce Summers, a single mother of two, one of them being a Vampire Slayer. I can't even begin to conceive how terrible that must be sometimes, most of the time. When am I not fighting for my life? When am I not in danger?
"That was tough. They knew nothing of demons and Hellmouths. That's why I'm so late, explaining the demonic world to people who want to be in total denial is hard. I wasn't that deluded was I? Is Angel still here?"
"Yeah," answered Dawn. "He's in the kitchen getting Buffy a drink. He's her slave now-"
"Angel is not my slave."
"No, he just does everything for you. If that's not a slave, I don't know what one is."
"You don't know anything." I snapped.
"Buffy..."
"I'm sorry, Mom. Dawn...I didn't mean-"
"It's okay." She gave me a reassuring smile. For only the sixth or seventh time in her life, I am glad Dawn is my sister.
"How are...the - um..."
"They're as good as they can be." Said my Mom sitting down next to Dawn. I looked at them from the armchair I currently occupied, they look right, like they're supposed to be here. I wonder if I look right. "They knew he was in the army, obviously, but-" She faltered as Angel walked into the living room, a quick glance between him and myself and then she continued. "But, a death is always sudden even with a high risk job like Ri-...like his."
Silence fell over us. Angel handed me the cup of hot tea and perched himself on one of the arms of the chair. I looked up at him and smiled. He half-smiled back. I felt my pulse quicken, and I could tell he heard.
"Buffy, they want to-"
"I-I...can't. I can't."
"Honey, you have to do this."
"Do I!?" I yelled putting the cup on the table in front of me. "Do I? Who says? You? I can't. I'm sorry if that makes me a more horrible person. But I'm already horrible. It's my fault that he-"
"It was not your fault," said Angel softly.
"Yes, IT IS!" I screamed leaping to me feet. "I had a choice. It was my decision, Angel. And I chose you. The love 'em and leave 'em guy, over Mister Normal. I did this. How can they look at their son's mu-"-"
"Because they know it's not your fault." Said my mother rising to her feet.
"Did you tell them everything? Did you tell them-"
"Of course not. How could I tell them that my daughter, their son's girlfriend, chose a vampire over him? You can't tell people that! You can't!"
"And neither can I!"
I ran from the room, I knew Angel was running after me even before I heard his footsteps on the stairs. I flung open my door, the curtains were still closed, the room still dark. I wanted to open them wide and let the light in, even just a little bit. But I didn't, not just because of the vampire standing behind me, but because like him, the light will burn me to a crisp. Not literally, but you get the idea.
"How can you even stand to be around me?"
"I should be asking you that question. Buffy, I've killed thousands of people-"
"That wasn't you, and you know it."
"Maybe, but that doesn't mean I wasn't responsible. For a hundred years I thought people wouldn't want to be near me, most didn't but, you...you loved me and showed me that I wasn't a monster with a man inside. That I could make a difference. It's not your fault, Buffy. You had to chose, and you did."
"But I chose you. And everyone sees that as a bad, 'the world as we know it is ending', thing."
"Do you?"
"No."
"That's the problem, isn't it?"
"Yeah, pretty much." I sat down on the end of my bed. "I feel guilty, really guilty and I can't grieve because all I can think about is, how glad I am that it wasn't you."
"Oh, Buffy..."
The tears I had yet to cry fell from my eyes and Angel rushed at me. His arms around me, mine around him. And I cried.
He thought I was crying because Riley is dead, I am crying because of that, but also for another reason, a reason that should have made me chose Riley to live and Angel to die, but I didn't.
"I couldn't watch you die again."
"Shh..."
"Can you ever forgive me?"
"Of course."
Angel didn't realize I wasn't asking him for forgiveness. But now wasn't the time to set things right, they never were when it came to us. Angel and I. There hasn't been an 'us' for over a year, and the really horrible part is, that right now, I wish there was.
And I cried.
And he held me.
They want me to meet Mister and Missus Finn. I can't. I won't and I can't. And they can't make me. Not even Angel. Of course they all thought he would be able to, maybe that's why Mom hasn't kicked him out yet. She wants him around so that I'm agreeable.
The countless arguments, discussions and I still wouldn't meet them. It's been 3 days since Riley's death, his funeral is in 2 hours, so I guess I'll be meeting them there. I still can't, but now I have too. I have to say goodbye.
I'm standing in front of my wardrobe, wondering what to wear. In theory it shouldn't be hard, my wardrobe is filled with black. But not many appropriate for funerals. I've been to many, too many. But this one feels different. Not worse, but like it should be, because it's expected of me. I loved him ,or so they reckon. That should mean I'll be in mourning for the rest of my life, but I won't be.
Angel isn't coming, even if it wasn't during the middle of the day he wouldn't come. Of course not, why would anyone want to go to your ex- girlfriend's dead boyfriend's funeral. It's not appropriate. I want him to be there, the selfish part of me does. He's been my rock these past few days and I haven't been away from him for more than an hour at a time. I think I'm becoming to dependent on him, but who else is there?
"Buffy, you nearly ready? Okay, that would be a no." He said once seeing I was wearing just a towel, with my hair up off my face, a few curls framing my face.
"I don't know what to wear."
"Let me help."
He helped me chose a black dress I had forgotten even having, It was knee length, kind of lose with thin straps as sleeves, so to cover up a bit more I'll be wearing a black cardigan. Angel left while I got dressed. I said goodbye to him at the bottom of the stairs. He held my in his arms, I rested my head against his silent chest.
"I need you there."
"No you don't."
"Yes, I do." I always need you.
"Buffy, you're stronger than you realize. You don't give yourself enough credit. You can do this, but I'll be here for as long as you need me."
"How's forever?"
"Forever's works just fine."
I lifted my head and stared right in his eyes, he gulped, I licked my lips. Before I knew it, I had pulled his head down towards mine. Lips only an inch or two apart.
"We shouldn't-"
"Yes, we should. I love you, Angel." Have always loved you, I said silently, hope he heard me anyway.
"I love you, too. But that doesn't mean we can-"
"No, it doesn't. We can."
He smiled down at me, and I wanted to fly, felt as though I could. And all over a smile. But he does that to me, Riley never could, and that's why I chose Angel.
Our lips met in a passionate kiss, a kiss that has been pent up for a year and a half. And damn was it fantastic.