Part Two Fishy Business
The kiss was just another thing to add to my already full and heavy guilt- filled mind. I think my head might just fall off soon if I feel guilty for anything more. Going to my ex-boyfriend's funeral was making it much worse. I can now see from the back of the church, my mother talking with the Finns. People are everywhere, most from out of town, relatives and old friends of Riley's, some, unfortunately, are nearly all of his former Initiative buddies. The glares from them are so fun.
Wishing I could hide doesn't help, seems nothing ever will. The thing about being at your worst still means things can get worse, and that's not something that can get you motivated to get up from your rock bottom, but still...hope is always there. He is always there.
"Buffy..."
Somewhere in the middle of my inner-monologue my mother and the Finns had worked their way through the crowds to talk to me, don't I feel special?
"Buffy?" Says my mother again, I quickly realize that I was staring and not answering at all. I look over the Finns. His dad didn't look much like him, had his hair though and his height and build, but not his face. As it be turn out his mother had his eyes and nose, but a smaller version. Her eyes...it's like looking into Riley's. I wonder if they have realized that, that they each look a bit alike their dead son. Can Mr. Finn look into his wife's eyes and not cry or scream because he can see Riley staring back at him? Can Mrs. Finn see her husband with his back turned to her and not for even a second believe it's really Riley standing there?
"Hi. It's nice to finally meet you," I held out my hand and Mr. Finn took it and shook it firmly. "Riley told me so much about you both, you're just how he described." I put out my hand to shake Mrs. Finn's but instead she pulled me forward and hugged me. My eyes flew open and it took me a few seconds to hug her back.
"It's wonderful to meet you, Buffy. I can see why he loved you so much." She said letting me go, finally. I smile slightly, hoping she thinks I'm putting on a brave face, not trying to feel even more guilt for their son's death. "How are you doing?"
"I'm..."
"Don't need to answer that, love. Kate, stop being nosy." Mr. Finn chided his wife.
"No, it's fine really. But I'm not the person who should be answering. How are you?"
"Getting by. I never thought this day would come while I was still alive, this is the day every parent dreads." I am amazed she can even talk about it like this, I can't even and I'm not entirely sad he's dead, all that keeps going through my mind is 'what if it had been Angel who died?' Maybe she hasn't fully accepted it yet and can still talk about her deceased child without breaking down.
"I'm sorry, but, I have to go. I would love to talk to you both later at the wake." I looked them both over again, "would that be okay?"
"Of course, dear." Said Riley's father. His mother smiled and nodded once. I smiled back and walked pass them both, well aware of my mother watching me as I walked away.
Willing to get to the exit before anyone else felt they needed to talk to me, I didn't notice two groups of people coming towards me. My lovable Scoobs and the easily unlovable Initiative boys. It was too late when I finally did.
"Buffy." The voice was harsh and male, And it belonged to Graham. He looked pissed.
"Just go away." Said Dawn appearing in front of me. The other Scoobs were standing back looking but they also didn't look happy, not that they should, it's a funeral after all, but there was something else there...I just don't know what. "Go away."
"You're not going to tell me what to do." Said Dawn, her hands on her hips in full height.
"I just want to talk to Buffy."
"No you're going to go and chat with her army buds, away from my sister."
"Listen, kid-"
"Just leave, Graham." Said Xander stepping up next to Dawn.
I blinked and felt myself fade away, no longer aware of what they were saying, my mind felt as though it were going to explode. These people fighting about leaving me alone, my friends versus Riley's friends. I wanted to scream, but instead I quickly fled the funeral home and ran out into the graveyard. I didn't hear anyone call after me, they could have, but they seemed to wrapped up in yelling at each other in the middle of a funeral.
And they reckon I'm the crazy one.
Once outside in the glaring sunlight, I realized that I felt much more at home out here, among the dead. There's going to be another addition today, and this person I cared for but didn't care enough to save him. Even though I have this 'the sun will burn me' crazy thoughts, I feel at home even with it shining down on me.
Walking through the headstones and tombs, crypts and mausoleums, the realization that I was really here set in, I was here, about to bury my boyfriend at the time of his death. All the people are here celebrating his life and mourning his death. And I brought them all here, I am the reason those very nice, decent people are at their son's funeral. Me. I did this.
Suddenly I was laughing. And it wasn't funny. But I couldn't stop. I laughed and laughed. I fell to the ground laughing holding my side as it started hurting. And still I laughed. God, what is wrong with me? I should be crying, not laughing, it's not funny. That only made me laugh more. I really have gone crazy, I've finally snapped.
After lifting me head up off the grass, I saw a crypt, maybe there's a nice view from up there. I pulled myself from the ground, dusted off the grass and bits of other earth stuff like dirt and twigs. Stupid woolen cardigan, things just stick to wool, must be a pain to clean.
Using my Slayer strength I vaulted up onto the crypt and sat down on the edge, my legs handing over the side, swinging. I was facing what would have been the ocean if there were no houses or buildings or trees in the way. I imagined what it would look like right now, it's waves rolling up onto the beach, fish swimming about, sharks and whales, maybe not sharks and whales at the beach right now, but they're in the ocean. It was a really beautiful day.
Footsteps cut off the silence, I didn't look down and I didn't know who it was till they spoke. "Buffy..." It was Willow, I then took a quick look, she was staring up at me, wearing all black, her red hair hung by her face and tears lined her cheeks.
"What are you doing up there?"
"Looking at the ocean."
"Buffy, you can't see the ocean."
"I could if there were no houses, buildings or trees."
"Buffy, come down, we're...they're-" She stopped talking, I could hear her ragged breathing, maybe she was crying again. "Buffy, please, we have to bury him."
"We always seem to be burying someone, don't we, This time it's Riley. I wonder when you'll bury me."
"Buffy, how can you talk like that? Why are you being so insensitive! He's dead!"
"I know. Why doesn't anyone say Riley's name anymore, it's always, 'him' or 'he.' Have you all suddenly forgotten his name, it's Riley Finn, in case you forgot too."
"Oh, god, how can you act this way?"
"What way?"
"Like it doesn't matter. He mattered, Buffy."
"I know." Just not enough.
"Damn it, Buffy! Listen to me, you have to come down! I was sent to find you, you're mother-"
"Has she cried yet? You have, how about the others?"
"What is wrong with you?"
"I'm just trying to understand."
"Understand? What's there to understand?!"
"Don't worry, you don't have to."
"Have to what?"
"Understand."
Willow left not long after, when I stopped answering she gave up and walked away. I watched her till she was out of view. I jumped down off the crypt, and walked towards where they were standing around the coffin Riley was inside.
Willow was there, she looked around every now and then, maybe she was looking for me. My mother was standing next to the Finns. Xander had his arm around Anya, she looked so lost, so confused, at the people around her and the situation we were all in. Riley had died, he was someone she liked enough to want him not to die, but he had and now she had to deal with it.
From my spot on a small hill over looking the processions, I could see everything, but couldn't hear a thing. What was the priest saying, did he mention that Riley had a girlfriend and was in the military, that he had honours and had ran away from his duty as an officer.
The coffin gave a sudden lurch as it was lowered six feet under the earth, his mother hitched over and had to be supported by her husband, her crying face, screaming as her son's coffin vanished out of sight. My eyes welled and the tears fell, as did I.
My mother had offered to hold the wake at the house so we didn't have to hold it in a crappy reception hall, or not have one at all. I know my mother's stand on wakes, she hates them and finds them terribly depressing, but apparently the Finns don't. I'm not even sure why Riley was buried in Sunnydale, why don't the Finns want him buried in Iowa closer to them.
"Buffy, hi."
"Hi, Aunt Lil." Aunt Lilian, my dad's youngest sister, she's only 36 and has three kids the oldest, a girl, is the same age as Dawn, she also happens to be divorced from her first husband who she had two kids with and with her second husband so far she's had one, I'm not sure if she wants more.
Lilian is here as a representative to my absentee father, he had called yesterday to say he couldn't make it, but Lilian said she would love to come and be with me. I fully believe my mother had told my father when she rung him up to invite him to the funeral, that I had loved Riley a lot and was still in shock about his death, I heard her say in the kitchen about an hour ago when I went in there to get a drink 'she hasn't even cried yet...'
I have cried, she just hasn't seen me. And I've been crying all for the wrong reasons.
"Here." She passes me a cup of coffee, I gratefully take the boiling hot liquid and begin blowing into the coffee to speed up the cooling process. Aunt Lilian was my favourite relative in my father's side, she's cool and hip, I love her hair, it's cut short and is dyed a black purple colour.
"How are you doing?" She asked sitting down beside me on the big lounge that I alone have occupied since arriving. I've watched all the other guests wonder through my mom's house, some asking me if I was doing all right, I always answered with the same answer:
"Okay."
"Buffy, you don't have to pretend with me, something's on your mind and it's not grief."
"I'm the best I can be, really, I'll be fine."
"What's wrong, Buffy?"
"Buffy..."
I looked up at the owner of the new but familiar and loved voice (and owner), Angel was standing in front of us looking as handsome as ever dressed in his usual black, he fit in perfectly. He smiled reassuringly at me and I smiled back at him like I used to before my 17th birthday and before the horrors that followed. His smile widened and all I wanted to was throw my arms around him.
My Aunt looked back and forth between us and with raised eyebrows she looked directly at me. "Are you going to introduce me, Buffy?"
"Right, sorry. Aunt Lil this is Angel, Angel this is my Aunt Lilian, she's my dad's sister." I said giving the quick intro.'s.
"Nice to meet you." He held out his hand and she shook it.
"Are you a friend of Buffy's?"
"Yes, you could say that." Don't be cryptic! It looks like we're going out, Angel. I wonder if she thinks we've having an affair. Hmm.
"He used to tutor me in history when we first moved here, and we've been close since." I did some more explaining.
"That's nice, well I better go find some food, I'm starving." My Aunt rose to her feet, "Nice to meet you," she said to Angel and was gone.
Angel immediately took her place next to me and without a word, grasped my hand.
"Thank you."
"Anytime." He said with a smirk.
"How about now?"
"Why? What have you got in mind?"
"We get out of here."
"Buffy, are you sure that's a good idea?"
"No, but I can't sit here anymore with them all watching me and judging you. Where were you by the way?"
"Up in your room, I waited for the sun to go down before coming down just in case someone thought it would be a good idea to open some blinds."
"Oh." I felt stupid at my stupidity.
"So if we are going somewhere, where would that be?"
"Not sure, but close, so we can get back quickly and make sure that no guests accidentally get taken by any creatures of the night."
"Why you worried I'll do something?"
"Was that a joke?"
"Yeah."
"Since when do you joke?"
"For awhile now, I think Cordy keeps track of how many times I've made a joke." Cordy, when did he start calling her 'Cordy'? Trying to hide me jealousy that she gets to be around for his social development and I don't, I smiled at him.
"Come on." I said getting up off the lounge and pulling him up with me, or as much as my slayer strength would allow, Angel was a heavy man.
As we walked from the house I don't think not one single person, in the lounge room, entry way or dining room, didn't watch us leave.
In the end we really didn't go far from the house, in fact we were on top of it. I was wrapped in Angel's arms, I haven't been happier in a long time. He's telling me all the constellations of the stars, with no clouds it's very easy to see them all. It was a beautiful night.
Both of us knew that I will have forgotten what the constellation was called and what stars it consisted of as soon as he would move onto the next one. He knew it, I knew it, but he would tell me anyway. I wasn't going to tell him to stop talking, I need to hear his voice and be held in his arms, and look at the stars.
We have been on the roof for about an hour now, no one as of yet has come outside looking for either of us, I'm not sure if that's an insult or a godsend. The air is cool, but not cold at all, and it is perfect for snuggling up to former boyfriends.
I don't know what Angel and I are to each other anymore. I know he's the love of my life and I know that I love him, I know he loves me. But I knew that before, and he still left. The reasons for Angel's leaving are still here, and I don't know if he will stick around this time. I want to believe that we can have our forever, and that he'll still be here next week when all this is over, but I can't shake the thought that he will leave me. And I have a hell of a reason why he would want to.
The front door opened, Angel fell silent and underneath the porch I could hear hushed talking, but couldn't make out the words, I'm not sure if Angel could or not.
"Buffy!" It was Xander.
"Buffy!" And Willow.
We kept silent and didn't move till they went back inside.
The kiss was just another thing to add to my already full and heavy guilt- filled mind. I think my head might just fall off soon if I feel guilty for anything more. Going to my ex-boyfriend's funeral was making it much worse. I can now see from the back of the church, my mother talking with the Finns. People are everywhere, most from out of town, relatives and old friends of Riley's, some, unfortunately, are nearly all of his former Initiative buddies. The glares from them are so fun.
Wishing I could hide doesn't help, seems nothing ever will. The thing about being at your worst still means things can get worse, and that's not something that can get you motivated to get up from your rock bottom, but still...hope is always there. He is always there.
"Buffy..."
Somewhere in the middle of my inner-monologue my mother and the Finns had worked their way through the crowds to talk to me, don't I feel special?
"Buffy?" Says my mother again, I quickly realize that I was staring and not answering at all. I look over the Finns. His dad didn't look much like him, had his hair though and his height and build, but not his face. As it be turn out his mother had his eyes and nose, but a smaller version. Her eyes...it's like looking into Riley's. I wonder if they have realized that, that they each look a bit alike their dead son. Can Mr. Finn look into his wife's eyes and not cry or scream because he can see Riley staring back at him? Can Mrs. Finn see her husband with his back turned to her and not for even a second believe it's really Riley standing there?
"Hi. It's nice to finally meet you," I held out my hand and Mr. Finn took it and shook it firmly. "Riley told me so much about you both, you're just how he described." I put out my hand to shake Mrs. Finn's but instead she pulled me forward and hugged me. My eyes flew open and it took me a few seconds to hug her back.
"It's wonderful to meet you, Buffy. I can see why he loved you so much." She said letting me go, finally. I smile slightly, hoping she thinks I'm putting on a brave face, not trying to feel even more guilt for their son's death. "How are you doing?"
"I'm..."
"Don't need to answer that, love. Kate, stop being nosy." Mr. Finn chided his wife.
"No, it's fine really. But I'm not the person who should be answering. How are you?"
"Getting by. I never thought this day would come while I was still alive, this is the day every parent dreads." I am amazed she can even talk about it like this, I can't even and I'm not entirely sad he's dead, all that keeps going through my mind is 'what if it had been Angel who died?' Maybe she hasn't fully accepted it yet and can still talk about her deceased child without breaking down.
"I'm sorry, but, I have to go. I would love to talk to you both later at the wake." I looked them both over again, "would that be okay?"
"Of course, dear." Said Riley's father. His mother smiled and nodded once. I smiled back and walked pass them both, well aware of my mother watching me as I walked away.
Willing to get to the exit before anyone else felt they needed to talk to me, I didn't notice two groups of people coming towards me. My lovable Scoobs and the easily unlovable Initiative boys. It was too late when I finally did.
"Buffy." The voice was harsh and male, And it belonged to Graham. He looked pissed.
"Just go away." Said Dawn appearing in front of me. The other Scoobs were standing back looking but they also didn't look happy, not that they should, it's a funeral after all, but there was something else there...I just don't know what. "Go away."
"You're not going to tell me what to do." Said Dawn, her hands on her hips in full height.
"I just want to talk to Buffy."
"No you're going to go and chat with her army buds, away from my sister."
"Listen, kid-"
"Just leave, Graham." Said Xander stepping up next to Dawn.
I blinked and felt myself fade away, no longer aware of what they were saying, my mind felt as though it were going to explode. These people fighting about leaving me alone, my friends versus Riley's friends. I wanted to scream, but instead I quickly fled the funeral home and ran out into the graveyard. I didn't hear anyone call after me, they could have, but they seemed to wrapped up in yelling at each other in the middle of a funeral.
And they reckon I'm the crazy one.
Once outside in the glaring sunlight, I realized that I felt much more at home out here, among the dead. There's going to be another addition today, and this person I cared for but didn't care enough to save him. Even though I have this 'the sun will burn me' crazy thoughts, I feel at home even with it shining down on me.
Walking through the headstones and tombs, crypts and mausoleums, the realization that I was really here set in, I was here, about to bury my boyfriend at the time of his death. All the people are here celebrating his life and mourning his death. And I brought them all here, I am the reason those very nice, decent people are at their son's funeral. Me. I did this.
Suddenly I was laughing. And it wasn't funny. But I couldn't stop. I laughed and laughed. I fell to the ground laughing holding my side as it started hurting. And still I laughed. God, what is wrong with me? I should be crying, not laughing, it's not funny. That only made me laugh more. I really have gone crazy, I've finally snapped.
After lifting me head up off the grass, I saw a crypt, maybe there's a nice view from up there. I pulled myself from the ground, dusted off the grass and bits of other earth stuff like dirt and twigs. Stupid woolen cardigan, things just stick to wool, must be a pain to clean.
Using my Slayer strength I vaulted up onto the crypt and sat down on the edge, my legs handing over the side, swinging. I was facing what would have been the ocean if there were no houses or buildings or trees in the way. I imagined what it would look like right now, it's waves rolling up onto the beach, fish swimming about, sharks and whales, maybe not sharks and whales at the beach right now, but they're in the ocean. It was a really beautiful day.
Footsteps cut off the silence, I didn't look down and I didn't know who it was till they spoke. "Buffy..." It was Willow, I then took a quick look, she was staring up at me, wearing all black, her red hair hung by her face and tears lined her cheeks.
"What are you doing up there?"
"Looking at the ocean."
"Buffy, you can't see the ocean."
"I could if there were no houses, buildings or trees."
"Buffy, come down, we're...they're-" She stopped talking, I could hear her ragged breathing, maybe she was crying again. "Buffy, please, we have to bury him."
"We always seem to be burying someone, don't we, This time it's Riley. I wonder when you'll bury me."
"Buffy, how can you talk like that? Why are you being so insensitive! He's dead!"
"I know. Why doesn't anyone say Riley's name anymore, it's always, 'him' or 'he.' Have you all suddenly forgotten his name, it's Riley Finn, in case you forgot too."
"Oh, god, how can you act this way?"
"What way?"
"Like it doesn't matter. He mattered, Buffy."
"I know." Just not enough.
"Damn it, Buffy! Listen to me, you have to come down! I was sent to find you, you're mother-"
"Has she cried yet? You have, how about the others?"
"What is wrong with you?"
"I'm just trying to understand."
"Understand? What's there to understand?!"
"Don't worry, you don't have to."
"Have to what?"
"Understand."
Willow left not long after, when I stopped answering she gave up and walked away. I watched her till she was out of view. I jumped down off the crypt, and walked towards where they were standing around the coffin Riley was inside.
Willow was there, she looked around every now and then, maybe she was looking for me. My mother was standing next to the Finns. Xander had his arm around Anya, she looked so lost, so confused, at the people around her and the situation we were all in. Riley had died, he was someone she liked enough to want him not to die, but he had and now she had to deal with it.
From my spot on a small hill over looking the processions, I could see everything, but couldn't hear a thing. What was the priest saying, did he mention that Riley had a girlfriend and was in the military, that he had honours and had ran away from his duty as an officer.
The coffin gave a sudden lurch as it was lowered six feet under the earth, his mother hitched over and had to be supported by her husband, her crying face, screaming as her son's coffin vanished out of sight. My eyes welled and the tears fell, as did I.
My mother had offered to hold the wake at the house so we didn't have to hold it in a crappy reception hall, or not have one at all. I know my mother's stand on wakes, she hates them and finds them terribly depressing, but apparently the Finns don't. I'm not even sure why Riley was buried in Sunnydale, why don't the Finns want him buried in Iowa closer to them.
"Buffy, hi."
"Hi, Aunt Lil." Aunt Lilian, my dad's youngest sister, she's only 36 and has three kids the oldest, a girl, is the same age as Dawn, she also happens to be divorced from her first husband who she had two kids with and with her second husband so far she's had one, I'm not sure if she wants more.
Lilian is here as a representative to my absentee father, he had called yesterday to say he couldn't make it, but Lilian said she would love to come and be with me. I fully believe my mother had told my father when she rung him up to invite him to the funeral, that I had loved Riley a lot and was still in shock about his death, I heard her say in the kitchen about an hour ago when I went in there to get a drink 'she hasn't even cried yet...'
I have cried, she just hasn't seen me. And I've been crying all for the wrong reasons.
"Here." She passes me a cup of coffee, I gratefully take the boiling hot liquid and begin blowing into the coffee to speed up the cooling process. Aunt Lilian was my favourite relative in my father's side, she's cool and hip, I love her hair, it's cut short and is dyed a black purple colour.
"How are you doing?" She asked sitting down beside me on the big lounge that I alone have occupied since arriving. I've watched all the other guests wonder through my mom's house, some asking me if I was doing all right, I always answered with the same answer:
"Okay."
"Buffy, you don't have to pretend with me, something's on your mind and it's not grief."
"I'm the best I can be, really, I'll be fine."
"What's wrong, Buffy?"
"Buffy..."
I looked up at the owner of the new but familiar and loved voice (and owner), Angel was standing in front of us looking as handsome as ever dressed in his usual black, he fit in perfectly. He smiled reassuringly at me and I smiled back at him like I used to before my 17th birthday and before the horrors that followed. His smile widened and all I wanted to was throw my arms around him.
My Aunt looked back and forth between us and with raised eyebrows she looked directly at me. "Are you going to introduce me, Buffy?"
"Right, sorry. Aunt Lil this is Angel, Angel this is my Aunt Lilian, she's my dad's sister." I said giving the quick intro.'s.
"Nice to meet you." He held out his hand and she shook it.
"Are you a friend of Buffy's?"
"Yes, you could say that." Don't be cryptic! It looks like we're going out, Angel. I wonder if she thinks we've having an affair. Hmm.
"He used to tutor me in history when we first moved here, and we've been close since." I did some more explaining.
"That's nice, well I better go find some food, I'm starving." My Aunt rose to her feet, "Nice to meet you," she said to Angel and was gone.
Angel immediately took her place next to me and without a word, grasped my hand.
"Thank you."
"Anytime." He said with a smirk.
"How about now?"
"Why? What have you got in mind?"
"We get out of here."
"Buffy, are you sure that's a good idea?"
"No, but I can't sit here anymore with them all watching me and judging you. Where were you by the way?"
"Up in your room, I waited for the sun to go down before coming down just in case someone thought it would be a good idea to open some blinds."
"Oh." I felt stupid at my stupidity.
"So if we are going somewhere, where would that be?"
"Not sure, but close, so we can get back quickly and make sure that no guests accidentally get taken by any creatures of the night."
"Why you worried I'll do something?"
"Was that a joke?"
"Yeah."
"Since when do you joke?"
"For awhile now, I think Cordy keeps track of how many times I've made a joke." Cordy, when did he start calling her 'Cordy'? Trying to hide me jealousy that she gets to be around for his social development and I don't, I smiled at him.
"Come on." I said getting up off the lounge and pulling him up with me, or as much as my slayer strength would allow, Angel was a heavy man.
As we walked from the house I don't think not one single person, in the lounge room, entry way or dining room, didn't watch us leave.
In the end we really didn't go far from the house, in fact we were on top of it. I was wrapped in Angel's arms, I haven't been happier in a long time. He's telling me all the constellations of the stars, with no clouds it's very easy to see them all. It was a beautiful night.
Both of us knew that I will have forgotten what the constellation was called and what stars it consisted of as soon as he would move onto the next one. He knew it, I knew it, but he would tell me anyway. I wasn't going to tell him to stop talking, I need to hear his voice and be held in his arms, and look at the stars.
We have been on the roof for about an hour now, no one as of yet has come outside looking for either of us, I'm not sure if that's an insult or a godsend. The air is cool, but not cold at all, and it is perfect for snuggling up to former boyfriends.
I don't know what Angel and I are to each other anymore. I know he's the love of my life and I know that I love him, I know he loves me. But I knew that before, and he still left. The reasons for Angel's leaving are still here, and I don't know if he will stick around this time. I want to believe that we can have our forever, and that he'll still be here next week when all this is over, but I can't shake the thought that he will leave me. And I have a hell of a reason why he would want to.
The front door opened, Angel fell silent and underneath the porch I could hear hushed talking, but couldn't make out the words, I'm not sure if Angel could or not.
"Buffy!" It was Xander.
"Buffy!" And Willow.
We kept silent and didn't move till they went back inside.