Part Three All I Have To Give
I watched as my daughter ran into the room, from my spot in the armchair, I could see her father run in after her. Angel scooped her into his arms and spun her around, her squeals filled the air. I laughed and felt happy to have them both.
Willow then came into the room. "Hello, Buffy."
"Hey, Will. How are you?"
"Are you sure you want to be answering that?"
"Will, I did the asking, you do the answering."
"You are not ready."
"Ready for what? I have all I need to be ready. A child and her father. See?"
I looked down and saw only my daughter standing there by herself. Her blue eyes looking up at me, sad and fearful. I looked around the room for Angel.
"Where's your father?" I asked the young girl.
"You killed him." Said Riley. He was standing next to me, where Willow had been only seconds before.
"No, I didn't, he just had-" I looked around for Angel yet again, there was no sight of him.
The girl took my hand and pulled me down so she could speak into my ear. "You killed my daddy."
I bolted awake, Angel stirred beside me. I lifted his arm from across my waist and got out of the bed. I felt the tears form in my eyes, blinking them away I walked from my bedroom and went in search of comfort.
Comfort came in the form of ice-cream. It was 2 in the morning, and no one else was awake. After Angel and I had gotten off the roof, we went back inside to the wake and as soon as we entered the house, eyes followed us wherever we went. Glares from all corners, my mother wouldn't speak to me and the Finns told us they would not stay in town another day and would be leaving tomorrow, well now it's really today. Originally they were going to stay at least two days, so they could see where Riley lived and the people he spent time with.
Before they left, I was able to ask them one question: "Why wasn't Riley buried in Iowa?"
Mrs. Finn answered with, "he would have wanted to be near you, dear."
I thought I was going to be sick right there.
"Buffy..." A voice pulled me from my thoughts.
"Hi."
"Couldn't sleep, huh?"
"Had a dream."
"Want to talk about it?"
"No, not really."
Angel pulled me into his arms. I welcomed the contact, his embrace a heaven on earth. His lips brushed against my hair and he pulled me closer still. "I love you, Buffy."
"I love you too, Angel."
"Buffy, what's wrong?"
"I don't want to talk about it. Can we just stay like this forever?"
"As wonderful as that would be, it wouldn't make the pain go away."
"What pain?"
"Buffy, you can mourn for Riley. It's okay, you can cry."
"No time to cry, Angel. I'm the Slayer, I don't have much time for anything."
"Don't talk like that. Buffy, please, don't keep it in."
"Don't tell me what to do." I stepped out of Angel's arms, and turned to walk away.
"Buffy..." Angel reached forward to grab my arm. I swatted it away.
"I don't need you to be here, Angel. You can go, I'm not keeping you here."
"Buffy, I'm not here because you need me, I'm here because this is where I want to be. I want to be with you."
"Why? Why now after a year apart? Angel, I can't do this, not again. I can't have you and not have you all at the same time, I thought I could, but I love you too much not to want to be with you."
"I love you, Buffy, isn't that enough? All I've ever wanted was to be with you, we'll find a way. Willow she can do a spell to bind my soul. Buffy, please, don't push me away."
"A spell..."
"Yes, a spell. Then we can have everything we've ever wanted."
"I'm so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me."
"Nothing's wrong with you."
"You're just saying that."
"No, I'm not." He took my hands in his, I felt my hands shaking slightly, he brushed his lips against my fingers. I wanted to cry out and fling my arms around his neck, but I didn't, instead I looked him in the eyes and he said what I wanted to say: "I love you."
"I love you, Angel."
"It'll be all right, I promise."
He then pulled me into his arms, I rested my head on his chest and stared as he held me. Was it going to be all right? Could he, or anyone else make it better? What will happen when I tell him I'm pregnant?
"Buffy, honey. What would you like for breakfast?" asked my mom.
"Nothing, I'm not that hungry."
"But Buffy, you have to eat for-" she abruptly stopped talking, it wasn't like my mom to just stop talking half-way through a sentence. "You haven't been eating a lot lately, you need to eat, Buffy, or you'll get sick."
"Fine, fine, what have you got?"
She smiled brightly and went searching through the cupboards for food. I watched as she set down breakfast cereals, pancake mixture, bread and some salad from the fridge. I stared wide-eyed at the huge buffet in front of me.
"Do you expect me to eat all that?"
"No, but most of it. You're too skinny, you know."
"Won't be for long, mom."
"Sorry."
"With all this food, I'll swell up like a balloon."
"Who's a balloon?" Said Dawn as she walked into the kitchen from outside.
"I will be, soon anyway."
"Uh huh. Good for you."
Dawn looked weirdly at me, like she was trying to figure out what was wrong with. I panicked and got up and walked out of the room.
"Buffy! You have to eat!" called my mother.
I didn't stop, I could hear footsteps coming down the stairs. Dammit, that's where I wanted to escape to, not the stairs: my room. But in the panic, I forgot about Angel still being here, and he currently being in my room.
After we finished talking earlier this morning, we went back up into my room and I fell asleep in his arms. Angel didn't ask again what had happened in my dream, nightmare, whatever you want to call it. But I didn't have anymore, Angel seemed to do that often, keep my nightmares away, but this one was much worse than the world ending. 'Cause then at least it would be over.
"Buffy..." Angel was standing at the base of the stairs in front of me. He was dressed in his usual clothes. Black pants and a dark blue button up silk shirt, hair spiky and eyes looking down at me with such love and concern, it made me want to kiss him to death. Not that he could die from me kissing him, but you get the idea.
"Buffy, are you okay?"
I didn't answer, just kept staring at him.
"Buffy?" New voice, that would be my mom.
I turned slightly and saw mom and Dawn standing next to each other in the doorway. Both have that concerned look on their faces. I don't want their concern, or their pity, I felt the panic rise again. Angel noticed, my heartbeat had quickened and I knew he monitored that, however creepy it might be. His brow furrowed, and his looked at me with that penetrating stare. It made me want to run.
"Buffy..." He said my name again, like the way he always has, beautifully. I don't deserve it, none of it. Not him, not my mom or even my annoying sister, they have no right to be concerned. I don't deserve it.
"Buffy." He took a step closer to me, my peripheral vision could see that my mom and Dawn were watching with hope and fear in their eyes.
He reached out to touch me, and I ran.
No one ran after me. Neither dawn or mom would have been able to catch me, and it was about nine o'clock in the morning, and in no way could Angel follow. I have never been so grateful that the sun was hanging in the sky like I am now.
I ran and ran, my legs hurt, but still I ran. I ran until I realised where I was going. To the cemetery, not the one where Riley was buried, but to Restfield. Where Angel and I often patrolled, made out and then patrolled some more. I found myself missing those much more simpler days, before my 17th birthday. That day changed everything.
I rested against a tomb, fed my hands through my hair and sank to the grassy ground. I felt as though I could sleep for a week, but me being the slayer, I didn't need much sleep, so that would never be happening unless I was drugged.
Graveyards are so peaceful and quiet, just full of dead people, who can't ask questions or look at you with beautiful eyes. I feel at peace here amongst the dead, maybe that's why I love Angel so much, because it's peaceful. I know there are a million reason why I love him, but one of the main reasons why it never worked with anyone else, and why it wouldn't have worked with Riley even if he didn't die, was because, it was peaceful in Angel's arms, I could rest there and tell him about my day and how I'm feeling.
I couldn't do that in any other man's arms. I never let my guard down, never let them in. So, it was my fault, and his too. But mostly mine, I couldn't get him out of my system and now it's doomed me to a lifetime alone, no matter how short that might be. Angel and I can never be, not because of the curse, he's right we can just fix that. But because of me and the baby I'm carrying. It's Riley's and as much as I don't want it to be, it is. I wish it were Angel's, but Angel is a vampire. The dream of having children with the man I love died along time ago.
I won't kill this child, I couldn't ever do that. I considered it the moment the test came back positive, but to deny a child's right to live just because I didn't love the father is stupid. I love this child already, and I can't kill another person I love. I don't have it in me anymore to go on with my life, I think I'd rather die.
I stayed at the cemetery for a couple of hours. I realised I was hungry, it's funny being hungry all the time, I'm eating for two now and it's just odd. Being the slayer I don't need to eat as much, but this kid has a completely normal dad, so this kid will need a lot of food. Luckily, I had a couple of dollars in my jean pocket and am now heading to the nearest place that serves edible food.
It's a small café at the end of Main Street, it's not too busy. I can see the Espresso Pump from here and it's nearly full. Glad to not be there with all the people, some of them could have been from the college, and they would have known that Riley had died and that we were going out. I don't think I could handle the stares and whispers.
I order my food, and wait for it to arrive.
When it gets to my table, I eat quickly and pay and leave. No body watches my go, they are all of the older population and wouldn't know who I or Riley was. Was: past tense.
It doesn't take me long to get to my new destination. I didn't know what was driving me to this place, I hadn't been there in years, and I didn't think I'd ever go back there. It hurt too much, knowing that's where it all changed. Outside of Angel's old apartment I stood watching the door as though someone might walk out at any moment. I feel the familiar tingle that signals when Angel is near. But he couldn't be in there, could he? There is a sewer entrance not faraway, and he could have gotten here if he really wanted to, but he didn't, did he?
I push open the door, step inside, closing it behind me.
"Buffy, took you long enough." Angel stepped out of the bathroom. "I was getting bored."
Shit, he was here. I should have trusted my instincts and not went it. God, I'm stupid.
"Buffy, are you going to go catatonic again?"
"No, I'm not." I took a frantic look around. "I'm-I'm...leaving." I turned to go, but Angel's vampire super speed beat me to the door. "Get out of my way."
"No, not until we talk."
"Talk about what? I have nothing to say to you."
"That's a lie and you know it."
"It's not a lie. I don't need or want to speak to you right now, and you're not going to make me."
"You're right. I can't make you talk to me. But I don't have to let you leave."
My mouth fell open, he was going to fight me to keep me here. "I don't have time for this Angel."
"Of course you do, you're not going anywhere, Buffy."
"So, what? Are you going to keep me here against my will?"
"If it comes to that, yes."
"I can't believe you. You come here, uninvited and screw up my life. I killed my boyfriend for you. I killed a decent guy, so you could live! You have no right to talk to me."
"Maybe not. But then maybe I do. I never told you to save me and let Riley die, you did that all by yourself. You made the choice, Buffy, not me."
"You're right, I did make the choice. And I choose you."
He was silent.
"What, got nothing to say? Good, then I'm going." I attempted to push past him, but Angel gabbed my arm and pulled me back in front of him.
"We have to talk, or at leats you do. I don't want you to keep it all inside, not this time. Let it out, yell, scream, beat the crap out of me if you want. But don't keep it in."
"I'm not, I'm fine." Hell, even I knew I was lying. "Please, Angel. Don't make me do this."
"You need to-"
"I need to? I need to? What I need Angel is so much more than you can give me right now, or maybe ever."
"Then tell me about it. Tell me what you need and don't need. Let me in, Buffy. You've kept me out before-"
"That was your choice, you left me, Angel. You left me, and when you did, you took all rights to tell me what to do, and I gained the right to keep you out of it."
"I shouldn't have left."
"What?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"I shouldn't have left you."
I didn't know what to say, what do you say to that? 'Thanks' or 'That's nice.' Instead my eyes decided they knew what to do, they started to water. Don't cry, don't let him see you cry, not over this, not over him. But the bloody things wouldn't listen.
"Oh, Buffy..." he pulled my into his arms. I cried into his shirt, his arms wrapped tight around me. It is peaceful here.
Tell what you think and if I should continue, I really like this fic and have huge plans for it, but no one will get to see it if no one tells me to continue. So please review. I'll try and get out the next few parts of 'Awakening Of The Heart' in a couple of weeks. I haven't forgotten about it, I just haven't finished it yet.
I watched as my daughter ran into the room, from my spot in the armchair, I could see her father run in after her. Angel scooped her into his arms and spun her around, her squeals filled the air. I laughed and felt happy to have them both.
Willow then came into the room. "Hello, Buffy."
"Hey, Will. How are you?"
"Are you sure you want to be answering that?"
"Will, I did the asking, you do the answering."
"You are not ready."
"Ready for what? I have all I need to be ready. A child and her father. See?"
I looked down and saw only my daughter standing there by herself. Her blue eyes looking up at me, sad and fearful. I looked around the room for Angel.
"Where's your father?" I asked the young girl.
"You killed him." Said Riley. He was standing next to me, where Willow had been only seconds before.
"No, I didn't, he just had-" I looked around for Angel yet again, there was no sight of him.
The girl took my hand and pulled me down so she could speak into my ear. "You killed my daddy."
I bolted awake, Angel stirred beside me. I lifted his arm from across my waist and got out of the bed. I felt the tears form in my eyes, blinking them away I walked from my bedroom and went in search of comfort.
Comfort came in the form of ice-cream. It was 2 in the morning, and no one else was awake. After Angel and I had gotten off the roof, we went back inside to the wake and as soon as we entered the house, eyes followed us wherever we went. Glares from all corners, my mother wouldn't speak to me and the Finns told us they would not stay in town another day and would be leaving tomorrow, well now it's really today. Originally they were going to stay at least two days, so they could see where Riley lived and the people he spent time with.
Before they left, I was able to ask them one question: "Why wasn't Riley buried in Iowa?"
Mrs. Finn answered with, "he would have wanted to be near you, dear."
I thought I was going to be sick right there.
"Buffy..." A voice pulled me from my thoughts.
"Hi."
"Couldn't sleep, huh?"
"Had a dream."
"Want to talk about it?"
"No, not really."
Angel pulled me into his arms. I welcomed the contact, his embrace a heaven on earth. His lips brushed against my hair and he pulled me closer still. "I love you, Buffy."
"I love you too, Angel."
"Buffy, what's wrong?"
"I don't want to talk about it. Can we just stay like this forever?"
"As wonderful as that would be, it wouldn't make the pain go away."
"What pain?"
"Buffy, you can mourn for Riley. It's okay, you can cry."
"No time to cry, Angel. I'm the Slayer, I don't have much time for anything."
"Don't talk like that. Buffy, please, don't keep it in."
"Don't tell me what to do." I stepped out of Angel's arms, and turned to walk away.
"Buffy..." Angel reached forward to grab my arm. I swatted it away.
"I don't need you to be here, Angel. You can go, I'm not keeping you here."
"Buffy, I'm not here because you need me, I'm here because this is where I want to be. I want to be with you."
"Why? Why now after a year apart? Angel, I can't do this, not again. I can't have you and not have you all at the same time, I thought I could, but I love you too much not to want to be with you."
"I love you, Buffy, isn't that enough? All I've ever wanted was to be with you, we'll find a way. Willow she can do a spell to bind my soul. Buffy, please, don't push me away."
"A spell..."
"Yes, a spell. Then we can have everything we've ever wanted."
"I'm so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me."
"Nothing's wrong with you."
"You're just saying that."
"No, I'm not." He took my hands in his, I felt my hands shaking slightly, he brushed his lips against my fingers. I wanted to cry out and fling my arms around his neck, but I didn't, instead I looked him in the eyes and he said what I wanted to say: "I love you."
"I love you, Angel."
"It'll be all right, I promise."
He then pulled me into his arms, I rested my head on his chest and stared as he held me. Was it going to be all right? Could he, or anyone else make it better? What will happen when I tell him I'm pregnant?
"Buffy, honey. What would you like for breakfast?" asked my mom.
"Nothing, I'm not that hungry."
"But Buffy, you have to eat for-" she abruptly stopped talking, it wasn't like my mom to just stop talking half-way through a sentence. "You haven't been eating a lot lately, you need to eat, Buffy, or you'll get sick."
"Fine, fine, what have you got?"
She smiled brightly and went searching through the cupboards for food. I watched as she set down breakfast cereals, pancake mixture, bread and some salad from the fridge. I stared wide-eyed at the huge buffet in front of me.
"Do you expect me to eat all that?"
"No, but most of it. You're too skinny, you know."
"Won't be for long, mom."
"Sorry."
"With all this food, I'll swell up like a balloon."
"Who's a balloon?" Said Dawn as she walked into the kitchen from outside.
"I will be, soon anyway."
"Uh huh. Good for you."
Dawn looked weirdly at me, like she was trying to figure out what was wrong with. I panicked and got up and walked out of the room.
"Buffy! You have to eat!" called my mother.
I didn't stop, I could hear footsteps coming down the stairs. Dammit, that's where I wanted to escape to, not the stairs: my room. But in the panic, I forgot about Angel still being here, and he currently being in my room.
After we finished talking earlier this morning, we went back up into my room and I fell asleep in his arms. Angel didn't ask again what had happened in my dream, nightmare, whatever you want to call it. But I didn't have anymore, Angel seemed to do that often, keep my nightmares away, but this one was much worse than the world ending. 'Cause then at least it would be over.
"Buffy..." Angel was standing at the base of the stairs in front of me. He was dressed in his usual clothes. Black pants and a dark blue button up silk shirt, hair spiky and eyes looking down at me with such love and concern, it made me want to kiss him to death. Not that he could die from me kissing him, but you get the idea.
"Buffy, are you okay?"
I didn't answer, just kept staring at him.
"Buffy?" New voice, that would be my mom.
I turned slightly and saw mom and Dawn standing next to each other in the doorway. Both have that concerned look on their faces. I don't want their concern, or their pity, I felt the panic rise again. Angel noticed, my heartbeat had quickened and I knew he monitored that, however creepy it might be. His brow furrowed, and his looked at me with that penetrating stare. It made me want to run.
"Buffy..." He said my name again, like the way he always has, beautifully. I don't deserve it, none of it. Not him, not my mom or even my annoying sister, they have no right to be concerned. I don't deserve it.
"Buffy." He took a step closer to me, my peripheral vision could see that my mom and Dawn were watching with hope and fear in their eyes.
He reached out to touch me, and I ran.
No one ran after me. Neither dawn or mom would have been able to catch me, and it was about nine o'clock in the morning, and in no way could Angel follow. I have never been so grateful that the sun was hanging in the sky like I am now.
I ran and ran, my legs hurt, but still I ran. I ran until I realised where I was going. To the cemetery, not the one where Riley was buried, but to Restfield. Where Angel and I often patrolled, made out and then patrolled some more. I found myself missing those much more simpler days, before my 17th birthday. That day changed everything.
I rested against a tomb, fed my hands through my hair and sank to the grassy ground. I felt as though I could sleep for a week, but me being the slayer, I didn't need much sleep, so that would never be happening unless I was drugged.
Graveyards are so peaceful and quiet, just full of dead people, who can't ask questions or look at you with beautiful eyes. I feel at peace here amongst the dead, maybe that's why I love Angel so much, because it's peaceful. I know there are a million reason why I love him, but one of the main reasons why it never worked with anyone else, and why it wouldn't have worked with Riley even if he didn't die, was because, it was peaceful in Angel's arms, I could rest there and tell him about my day and how I'm feeling.
I couldn't do that in any other man's arms. I never let my guard down, never let them in. So, it was my fault, and his too. But mostly mine, I couldn't get him out of my system and now it's doomed me to a lifetime alone, no matter how short that might be. Angel and I can never be, not because of the curse, he's right we can just fix that. But because of me and the baby I'm carrying. It's Riley's and as much as I don't want it to be, it is. I wish it were Angel's, but Angel is a vampire. The dream of having children with the man I love died along time ago.
I won't kill this child, I couldn't ever do that. I considered it the moment the test came back positive, but to deny a child's right to live just because I didn't love the father is stupid. I love this child already, and I can't kill another person I love. I don't have it in me anymore to go on with my life, I think I'd rather die.
I stayed at the cemetery for a couple of hours. I realised I was hungry, it's funny being hungry all the time, I'm eating for two now and it's just odd. Being the slayer I don't need to eat as much, but this kid has a completely normal dad, so this kid will need a lot of food. Luckily, I had a couple of dollars in my jean pocket and am now heading to the nearest place that serves edible food.
It's a small café at the end of Main Street, it's not too busy. I can see the Espresso Pump from here and it's nearly full. Glad to not be there with all the people, some of them could have been from the college, and they would have known that Riley had died and that we were going out. I don't think I could handle the stares and whispers.
I order my food, and wait for it to arrive.
When it gets to my table, I eat quickly and pay and leave. No body watches my go, they are all of the older population and wouldn't know who I or Riley was. Was: past tense.
It doesn't take me long to get to my new destination. I didn't know what was driving me to this place, I hadn't been there in years, and I didn't think I'd ever go back there. It hurt too much, knowing that's where it all changed. Outside of Angel's old apartment I stood watching the door as though someone might walk out at any moment. I feel the familiar tingle that signals when Angel is near. But he couldn't be in there, could he? There is a sewer entrance not faraway, and he could have gotten here if he really wanted to, but he didn't, did he?
I push open the door, step inside, closing it behind me.
"Buffy, took you long enough." Angel stepped out of the bathroom. "I was getting bored."
Shit, he was here. I should have trusted my instincts and not went it. God, I'm stupid.
"Buffy, are you going to go catatonic again?"
"No, I'm not." I took a frantic look around. "I'm-I'm...leaving." I turned to go, but Angel's vampire super speed beat me to the door. "Get out of my way."
"No, not until we talk."
"Talk about what? I have nothing to say to you."
"That's a lie and you know it."
"It's not a lie. I don't need or want to speak to you right now, and you're not going to make me."
"You're right. I can't make you talk to me. But I don't have to let you leave."
My mouth fell open, he was going to fight me to keep me here. "I don't have time for this Angel."
"Of course you do, you're not going anywhere, Buffy."
"So, what? Are you going to keep me here against my will?"
"If it comes to that, yes."
"I can't believe you. You come here, uninvited and screw up my life. I killed my boyfriend for you. I killed a decent guy, so you could live! You have no right to talk to me."
"Maybe not. But then maybe I do. I never told you to save me and let Riley die, you did that all by yourself. You made the choice, Buffy, not me."
"You're right, I did make the choice. And I choose you."
He was silent.
"What, got nothing to say? Good, then I'm going." I attempted to push past him, but Angel gabbed my arm and pulled me back in front of him.
"We have to talk, or at leats you do. I don't want you to keep it all inside, not this time. Let it out, yell, scream, beat the crap out of me if you want. But don't keep it in."
"I'm not, I'm fine." Hell, even I knew I was lying. "Please, Angel. Don't make me do this."
"You need to-"
"I need to? I need to? What I need Angel is so much more than you can give me right now, or maybe ever."
"Then tell me about it. Tell me what you need and don't need. Let me in, Buffy. You've kept me out before-"
"That was your choice, you left me, Angel. You left me, and when you did, you took all rights to tell me what to do, and I gained the right to keep you out of it."
"I shouldn't have left."
"What?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"I shouldn't have left you."
I didn't know what to say, what do you say to that? 'Thanks' or 'That's nice.' Instead my eyes decided they knew what to do, they started to water. Don't cry, don't let him see you cry, not over this, not over him. But the bloody things wouldn't listen.
"Oh, Buffy..." he pulled my into his arms. I cried into his shirt, his arms wrapped tight around me. It is peaceful here.
Tell what you think and if I should continue, I really like this fic and have huge plans for it, but no one will get to see it if no one tells me to continue. So please review. I'll try and get out the next few parts of 'Awakening Of The Heart' in a couple of weeks. I haven't forgotten about it, I just haven't finished it yet.