Title: Crying
Summary: On the inside, he is crying. Out there somewhere, someone is waiting for him. Waiting until he gets over it.
Chapters: 1/1
Pairings: Trowa x Wufei, hints of Heero x Quatre
Warnings: Shounen ai, angst, character death.
Disclaimers: Don't own Gundam Wing, or any of its characters.
Crying
'Checkmate,' he was told in a calm voice. Chang Wufei sighed, closed his eyes and touched the bridge of his nose softly with two fingers. 'You're out of it.' He was told and he sighed again. 'I know.' He answered, harsher then he wanted. 'Maybe tomorrow.'
'Yes, maybe. Maybe.' He answered and leaned back against his chair. 'Another set?' The brown-haired boy in front of him asked and he nodded, absent-minded.
It was only five minutes later, and already he was losing. 'I would put your horse on D7.' He was advised and he shook his head. 'No, I can play my own game.' He answered. 'Well, seemingly you can do it very well, since you lost 5 times of me, and are going for a sixth round now.' Trowa answered sarcastically and then got serious. 'It's not your style. Something's wrong, isn't it?'
'Yes,' he answered to the question. Trowa raised a brow and looked at him sceptical. 'Well, that's for a first. You actually admit vulnerability.' He said drily. Wufei shot him a glare, 'yes, and its called trust.'
'Then I'll do anything to keep it.' Trowa answered with a polite smile. 'What is bothering you that interrupts your thoughts so?' He pushed a little further. 'Lack of sleep.' Wufei answered and Trowa nodded. 'I see,' he said, knowing it wasn't the real reason, but he didn't push it further.
After a minute or ten of silence Trowa gathered his own, white, pieces and put them in the right positions again. He looked up to Wufei and held up his hand towards the board. Wufei looked at the black chess-mans sprawled over the board and then to Trowa. He was about to answer the silent asked question when the door opened and a bouncing-ball jumped in.
'Ya two are playin' chess? Ya winning Wu-Chan?' Wufei sighed and shook his head. 'Get lost, Maxwell.' He said in a soft voice, like talking to a little kid. 'Aw, you don't luv me Wu-baby?' Duo said with a sexy turn of his hips and a feral grin playing on his lips. 'Bù!' [1] Wufei yelled in Mandarin as he slammed his hands down onto the board.
He looked at Duo with flashing eyes and then calmed down. He stood up and walked to the door. When he opened it he heard Duo's light, calling voice. 'What's ya problem man?'
'I told you to get lost, and you didn't.' Wufei stated matter-of-factly and walked away, door slamming behind him.
The hangar was dark, just like always when no one was there. Silent, as always, Wufei walked towards the dark figure that was his Gundam. He laid his right-hand onto the feet of his Gundam and he closed his eyes briefly. 'Nataku...' He whispered softly. He leaned with his back against the leg of his Gundam and slipped down until he almost sat on the ground. 'So weak.' He said to himself as he reached his hands around his knees. He tilted his head and let it rest against the back of the Gundam, so he could see the other Gundams.
With a sigh of obligation he let his thoughts wonder to where it hurt in the pit of his stomach. Where even the most beautiful dreams and wishes would falter under the harsh touch of the doubt he felt inside his heart.
He had betrayed and murdered, exterminated, and now it finally drew into his mind. It finally dawned upon him; the guilt had found a way through the stoic wall around his heart. And it plagued him every moment he was awake, laughed at him because of his foolishness. It made him doubt the life he had, the life he would always have.
You can't escape your destiny, and he knew one thing about it. It would always lie in the hands of war. 'I'm so fucked up.' He spoke to himself, looking to 01's Gundam. He had always respected Heero, as a pilot. He was everything he wasn't, the perfect soldier.
Always in control, stoic, emotionless. Wufei sighed. He didn't deserve to be a Gundam Pilot. He was weak, undignified for fighting with Nataku. He would falter with his every move, even though it went un-noticed many times. Falter of what was right, would this be all right? But the answers were never with him, not when he needed them anyway.
But in his sleep they were there, torturing his few precious hours of sleep. Ghosts, forlorn souls of lost people, murdered people, murdered by him, would search him. And when they found their way into his conscience, they wouldn't leave. Because of that, Wufei Chang dreamed of the deaths, murders, tortures, of the people he met, every night. He thought about failing 24/7 and was on the verge of an emotional breakdown. But nobody noticed, because it was all on the inside. It was all very well hidden in the most distant corner of his mind.
'Wufei!' The annoying high-pitched voice of an idiotic, stupid American reached the ears of the boy sleeping in the bed. He stirred but turned around in the warm, comforting sheets of his bed. 'Yo Wu-Baby, ya awake?' He yelled again and the said person groaned as he sat up. With a sigh he sat up and rubbed the still lingering sleep out of his eyes, which were encircled with bags. 'Wufei, man you-'
'Shut up Maxwell!' Wufei yelled back and stepped out of his bed, angrily. 'Yeah, just come, or I'll make you make your own breakfast.'
'Yeah, yeah...' Wufei mumbled and got into his clothes. 'Whatever,' he said as he looked to the reflection of himself in the mirror. It was, well, ghost-like. Pale face, raven-black hair that sprung to all sides and big bags under his black eyes. 'Wufei, I would go downstairs if I were you, Duo's loosing it!' He heard the giggling voice of the blue-eyed, blonde-haired pilot through his door and shook his head.
As soon as he got down he was almost thrown to the ground with assaults and yelling, although they weren't for him. '- And Mister-Perfect didn't even bother to inform me. ME! His partner. But he seemingly forgot to-'
'Shut up Duo! You seem to forget that maybe I intended to inform you, but you were gone?' Heero and Duo were both standing on another side of the table in the kitchen. Quatre was standing by the sink with the dishes and looked at Wufei with a slight uneasy look. Wufei looked at Heero and then at Duo and shook his head. He didn't feel that well that morning. 'Go to the backyard for your goddamned marriage-fight, but not here.' Wufei snarled and got some toast and scrambled eggs on a plate. Yeah, he was feeling rather fucked up that morning.
'Geesh Wufei, talking about morning crossness man.' Duo huffed and Wufei's head shot towards him. He was about to throw a nasty remark to Duo's head when Trowa stepped in. 'Say, it's early, be a little more quiet please.' Trowa said. Wufei shot a quick glance at him and saw that also he was just awake. Duo snorted and turned around, Heero following fast behind him and Quatre excused himself from the kitchen, having to do something. Trowa shrugged his shoulders and walked to get some coffee. Wufei watched him move and then looked down to his food. Trowa was a perfect soldier too, in another sort of way. He was silent, succeeded in all his missions…
'Didn't get much sleep?' Trowa asked all of a sudden. Wufei's head shot up, the first things coming to his mind probably being the ones he spoke: 'Not much sleep? What the hell are you talking about?'
'Well, yesterday you told me-' Trowa started, but was being interrupted by an angry Wufei. 'Yesterday is not today!' With that he stood up and walked away, food standing lonely on the table and Trowa staring after him in disbelief.
The dark-brown Earth started to shake under his bare feet, the heavy smell of Death hung in the air. He turned around but there was nothing, no one, expect a luring, dangerous darkness that seemed to have swallowed the whole world that there used to be. He opened his mouth, wanting to scream for help, but his voice caught in his throat when he saw the flash of an image of his deceased wife.
His eyes widened in shock and the black-haired girl grinned. She ginned as if she thought he deserved what was going to come. Desperation. 'Meiran...' Wufei finally brought out in a breathless whisper. His throat hurt and his limbs ached. But his confusion was worse than all other things. He didn't understand. His wife was dead!
'Dead?' A feminine like voice sounded through the air, the anger in it making the ground shudder. 'Maybe I am, but did you really notice? You have set your eyes on someone else already!' She all but yelled. His look of shock changed into one of question. Set his eyes on someone? Well, that was one thing she knew more about than him.
For as far as he knew he had never loved, not even her. Love as a word unknown to Wufei Chang. At least he thought, and it seemed that his former wife, didn't. Confusion, angst, desperation. Nothing seemed to make him the soldier people thought he was now. Nothing seemed to take nay notice in his downhill state, or to make it any better then it was. He was almost desperate, Wufei Chang, to give up all of his pride and hang on to something that could save his precious sanity.
'Your precious sanity?' Meirans voice echoed through the air, and reverberated, like there were walls all around them. 'You don't have just a piece of that stupid sanity of yours left, my dear husband. A murderer like yourself doesn't have sanity.' Wufei looked at her with big eyes. A murderer, was that all he was? Was he a murderer above the fact that he fought for justice? Was he a murderer, while all the others were "just soldiers"? Was he-
'Yes, you are!' Meiran yelled, interrupting his stream of thoughts. 'You are all of that. And that's all you'll ever be, Chang Wufei. Kids, adults, other soldiers. City's, houses, bases. It doesn't matter to you. Your heart is cold, and the stroke of your sword even more so. You're a cold-blooded murderer Wufei. A murderer!' At that moment she disappeared again, but her last words kept repeating their selves. If not in air, then in his head. Slowly his resistance broke and he fell to his knees on the hard, cold floor. Tiny, wet drops fell on his hands and onto the floor. He could almost taste the saltines of his tears on his lips, and parted them as he whispered on a hoarse voice: 'a murderer. No... No!'
A kicking, turning, yelling, and above all crying, Wufei lay in his room, under the thin blankets of his bed. For moments long he kept repeating the same words: '... I'm a murder...' The words wouldn't leave his mind, and he kept tossing around in his bed. The sheets started to cling around his sweaty body and his cries of guilt started to turn feverish. With another turn he shot up, panting and wide-eyed. He looked around, confused, and scanned his surroundings. He let out a sigh and fell down against the pillow, his eyes slowly closing. 'Gods, Nataku,' he whispered softly and stroked his hand through his messed up hair.
Footsteps could be heard in the room next to his. A door opened, footsteps were heard on the corridor and a soft knock on the door of his room followed. 'Wufei, you okay?' The light voice of Quatre sounded through the door and Wufei got up with a sigh. He walked to his closet slowly and got out a way to big shirt, and put it on. 'Wufei, are you all right?' Quatre asked and Wufei walked to the door with a sigh. When the door was fully opened he could see Quatre standing there in his pyjamas, having a worried look on his face. 'Hm, I'm fine.' Wufei said and walked past Quatre, towards the bathroom, not even giving him a second glance.
'Are you sure you're okay?' Quatre asked again and Wufei could hear footsteps following him. When he was standing on the threshold of the bathroom he turned around and glared at Quatre. Quatre looked slightly uneasy and had a nervous kind of smile on his face. Wufei sighed, shook his head and past that slammed the door shut in front of Quatre his face.
Standing in the bathroom he turned on the shower and stripped of his clothes. He stepped under the hot spray of water and closed his eyes in relief. 'Fucking nightmares,' he muttered to himself. He still remembered every part of the nightmare that had plagued him in his sleep again. With a shake of his head he leaned against the cool, damp tiles of the wall of the shower and he let out a hiss when his back came in contact with the tiles.
'Meiran, what is this supposed to mean?' He asked, more for himself than for his question to be answered, because he knew it wouldn't.
But why, he asked himself. Why did his deceased wife plague him in his sleep and say he had found another lover? For as far he knew, none of those words were true, so why suggest something that was so un-true to what he felt? But then there was also the other... thing. An almost desperate groan left his mouth as he rested his head in his hands. 'A damned murdered,' he whispered.
That was all he was, and if he didn't believe that, it was made very clear to him every night, every moment he slept. And every moment he was awake, he was reminded to the fact he was a no-good soldier. In a rush he finished his shower, not wanting to stay there any longer. He stood in front of the mirror now, dressed in his boxers and oversized t-shirt, combing his wet hair, and it almost seemed the person on the other side of the mirror was making fun of him. Wufei shook his head angrily and closed his eyes.
Gods he really hoped Trowa didn't suggest a game of chess today, he would falter and lose, for sure. He sighed. Normally winning of Trowa was no trouble at all, but lately? From the moment he had the nightmare about the small little boy he had seen many nights ago on a battlefield, lost and lonely, his concentration was broken very easy. 'Even Maxwell could beat me now in a game of chess.' Wufei muttered lowly, knowing Duo lacked of knowledge of the game.
At that moment he got mad at himself and drew out his fist, and right after that it connected with the sharp material of the mirror. He let out a loud hiss and immediately put on the tap. He held his hand under the cold water and let the blood mix with it, giving it a watery-red colour. After a minute of so he put the tap out and searched for some bandage. Of course, he found none; he had to go to the kitchen for that. And of course, when he walked into the kitchen, everybody was there.
Everybody looked strange at him while he got some bandage and iodine out of the first-aid kit and set them on the table as if it were a daily thing to come into the kitchen with a bleeding hand and lower-arm. Taking his time he disinfected the wound with the iodine and wound the bandage around it.
When he was done he put away the stuff and got himself a mock of strong, black coffee. He sat down and looked around the table. Heero was typing at his computer, but still shot him a questioning glare. Duo was looking at him with kind of a smirk and Quatre could only stare. Trowa sat there, muck of coffee in his hand and he shook his head when Wufei's gaze met his.
'So uh- Wu-Chan? Were you the one that murdered the mirror? 'Cause when I went to comb my hair just-'
'Don't even dare to say that fucking word again, Maxwell.' Wufei almost yelled with an incredibly pale face. It almost gave him a depression thinking about the word, let alone hearing someone say it! 'Wufei what the fuck is wrong with ya man?' Duo yelled back and Wufei looked at him. He gritted his teeth and everybody could see that he was refusing to answer. 'Wufei, Duo is right. What is wrong with you?' Quatre asked and Wufei knew he referred to his little action of throwing the door close right in his face. 'Nothing is wrong. Can't a person just be in a bad mood without all of you worrying like you're my goddamned mothers!' Wufei yelled and got up. He grabbed his coffee mock roughly, spilling some hot coffee on his hand, and stalked out towards the living room.
An angered Wufei sat in the living room on a seat by the window, staring to the chessboard. The black chessmen were still sprawled out on the board although the white were standing proudly in their correct places. 'It looks kinda like a battlefield, doesn't it?' Trowa's voice reached his ears and he turned his head to see him standing in the doorway. With a sort of smile Trowa walked towards him and gave him a wet cloth. Wufei looked at him with a raised brow and Trowa shrugged his shoulders. 'Your hand seems to suffer a lot today.' Were the simple words he spoke and Wufei took the cloth, a small shiver going through him when his hand touched Trowa's.
After some minutes of silence Trowa leaned against the windowsill and looked to the chessboard. Wufei followed his gaze and his eye fell upon the fallen king. He lay there, fallen, lonely, not worthy for a next battle that could be coming. He sighed and averted his gaze; the laying, black, figure reminded him too much of himself.
It reminded him too much of the fragile person he was at the moment. The position he was in.
Wufei sighed and stared out of the window, over the lawn towards the street. It was rather busy for the time of the year. It was a fall-day. It would've been rather warm for the time of the year if the cool breeze hadn't blown. But it was, and it made the leaves fly up and swirl around. Children were chasing them, laughing. Dogs tried to eat them, while their masters tried to calm them down. A few cars drove around, but not that fast because of the people that were around.
The house the five Pilots stayed in was near the park, so people were always around. Wufei let a soft sigh pass his lips and he closed his eyes briefly. Sometimes he missed the times that he could walk around like those little children. Worry about nothing but where your dog runs off. Be as caring and gentle like Winner. Laugh about everything and see the joke that is life, just like Maxwell. He opened his eyes again and laid the fingertips of his right hand on the window. The glass was cold under the light touch of his warm fingertips and he smiled lightly.
'One of the first times I get to see you smile.' Trowa remarked softly with a small smile of his own. Wufei's head shot up and he looked at Trowa as if he had forgotten he was there. But, as Trowa wanted him to, he didn't say a thing. He just looked at Trowa with slight widened eyes.
'You should do it more often though. It suits you more than that look Heero always wears.' Trowa said and Wufei looked outside the window again, but with flushed cheeks. Trowa smiled slightly to himself and walked towards Wufei a little. He sat down on the small verge that was left of the windowsill and laid his left hand next to Wufei's on the glass of the window. 'What bothers you so, Wufei? Your guard is down even more than Maxwells is all the time.' Trowa asked silently and Wufei looked at him. 'Nothing that you have to worry about.' He stated but Trowa shook his head. 'That's too late already. You've got me worrying already.'
'Let me guess, you talked to Winner.' Wufei stated flatly and Trowa let out a laugh. Wufei looked at him with a raised brow. 'What?' Wufei asked and Trowa shook his head with laughter. 'Nothing, nothing. And yes, I talked to Quatre to be honest.'
Wufei snorted and removed his hand from the window. He stood up and walked towards the chessboard, toying with the standing white king. 'He said that you threw the bathroom door close right in his face.' Trowa said and Wufei snorted louder. Trowa chuckled a little and Wufei shook his head. 'And you smashed the mirror.' Trowa said suddenly, just out of nowhere. Wufei's eyes turned huge and his face got dark all of a sudden. Trowa's eyes also got a bit larger when he'd realised what he'd said. 'I-I apologize.' Trowa stuttered, looking to the ground. 'I have no right saying such things.' Trowa continued softly and Wufei looked darkly at him. 'No, you're right. You haven't.' He snapped and Trowa flinched slightly at the harshness of his tone. 'Pìhuà [2] Barton! You're becoming Maxwell if you keep saying things before thinking about them!' Wufei yelled, a feeling of betrayal and hurt creeping into his system.
He wouldn't know the reason why he felt betrayed, or even hurt for that matter. But he knew he felt it, and Trowa was the cause of that. Of the extra confusion that was slowly getting to him. The thing made him wonder if maybe, just maybe, his former wife could be right. Maybe he had set his eyes on someone new, without realizing it. How else could he feel hurt by the words Trowa spoke? Normally he wouldn't be affected by the words the other pilots threw to his head.
'Wufei,' Wufei was shaken from his thoughts when he heard Trowa's voice again. 'I-'
'It's a little late for an excuse now, isn't it, Barton?' Wufei sneered and Trowa looked at him slightly shocked. Wufei didn't even let him finish his sentence. 'Of all the persons I know, I thought I could trust you. And then you pull a stunt like this one. For all I care, you can-' and suddenly Wufei stopped, realizing he let his feelings slip. He flushed slightly and closed his eyes in shame. 'Duìbuqi,' [3] he whispered softly to Trowa. And with that, he turned on his heels and fled out of the room.
With a sigh Wufei leaned against the door of his room he had slammed shut. He closed his eyes and laid a hand on his forehead. 'Zhòumà.' [4] He cursed under his breath and let his head fall forwards on his hands. 'Damn it all.' He swore again and sunk down until he now was sitting on the ground. 'Wufei. Are you all right?' Quatre's voice sounded through the door and Wufei groaned softly.
Why was everybody always worrying so much about him? He wondered for a moment until he heard Quatre speak again. Probably because Wufei refused to answer him in this situation. 'Winner! Shut the hell up for a moment will you!' Wufei yelled and he could hear Quatre whimper softly at his words. Normally he would regret the words he harshly yelled at Quatre, but not today. Today he didn't understand the worry, didn't want it either. He was confused by the way he'd reacted when Trowa spoke and tried to apologize for the foolish things he'd said. He could understand the feeling of betrayal, since he was befriended with Trowa for a couple of months now. But the hurt. It wasn't the kind of hurt you felt when you'd had a fight with one of your friends. More the kind of hurt when you'd lost a special person.
'Wuf-' Quatre started but was interrupted. 'Just let him be.' Was the muttered reply from behind the door.
'But Trowa! He's been like this for two days in a row. He hurts on the inside and I can feel it too!'
'I know Little One. But just leave him be for now.'
A small silence followed and after that Wufei could hear Quatre sigh. 'All right. But if it goes on longer, I WILL get to speak to him.' He said, almost angry and Wufei put on a face. Who knew the Angel could become a Demon sometimes? 'So, what shall I make for dinner?' He heard Quatre suggest to Trowa. There was no reply and Wufei suggested Trowa had raised his shoulders or something in that matter. 'Okay! I'm going to do some groceries.' Quatre said, and footsteps could be heard.
Wufei let a soft sigh pass his lips as he heard Quatre walk away. But Trowa was still there and that didn't make it lots easier for him. Wufei had never been a person to express his feelings. And this certainly wasn't his street either, seeing he just had a fight with Trowa.
Suddenly he heard a soft knock on his door. 'Wufei,' he heard his name being whispered softly. Immediately he realised it was Trowa was the one that'd said his name. He closed his eyes tightly and sighed. At the moment he felt very childish. Sitting there all drawn up, hiding from the thing that had a small change of hurting him. 'Wufei, I-'
'Shut up,' Wufei muttered softly. His own voice even scared himself. Hearing Trowa speak like that, it made him feel worse than the times he'd woken up feeling like he wasn't worth a thing. And at this moment, everything rushed down on him. The fact he wasn't worth piloting Nataku. The fact his descanted wife was right about the fact he liked someone. And also, that the person was Trowa. The one person he had befriended in the household. The one person he could trust, until moments ago.
Because mentioning the broken mirror, it made Wufei's heart wrench. Because of that, he knew he had slipped too far. He hadn't had control over his body to prevent such a weak thing from happening. He was no good. Not for fighting, not for life, not for anything. And certainly not for Trowa.
And suddenly, the one thing he'd avoided, the one thing that showed exactly how weak he was, happened. A soft sob left his mouth and his eyes widened slightly. '... only a murderer,' Wufei whispered softly to himself, and he started to shiver. He picked himself up from the ground and walked towards the bed in the middle of the room. His knees touched the bed softly and he let himself fall down. He buried his face in a pillow and curled up into a small ball, letting the tears fall freely. At the moment, he didn't give a damn about his pride. At the moment he felt weak, very weak. And this part of the weakness could come with it. 'Wufei, are you all right?' Wufei heard Trowa's hurried voice coming from the door and after that, the door opened and closed again. He heard soft footsteps against the carpet and after that he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder. 'What's wrong, Wufei?'
'I-I...' Wufei hesitated for a moment and after that shove Trowa off. 'Don't touch me!'
Trowa looked at him with slightly widened eyes. Wufei's eyes were red of crying and a couple of tears still ran down his cheeks. Trowa reached out a hand and brushed them away. 'What's wrong, Wufei?' Trowa asked softly and Wufei shivered. He pushed Trowa's hand away from his face and looked down to the sheets, embarrassed.
'Don't touch me. I'm not worth of it. Just as I am not worth of your friendship. I am a no good soldier.' He whispered and he heard Trowa gasp. 'Is that what this is about? The fact that you think you're not worthy of being a soldier?' He asked, and Wufei shook his head. 'Is it?' Trowa pressed and Wufei sighed in defeat. 'Yes, it is! Is that what you wanted to hear? See me give free my emotions! Tell you I think I'm not worthy being a Gundam Pilot! That I'm too weak to fight with Nataku! That I'm unworthy of-'
'Wufei! Stop this. What you're saying is nonsense!' Trowa almost yelled at him and Wufei looked at Trowa with big eyes. 'What?'
'What you're saying makes no sense at all. You are worthy of fighting Nataku and you certainly are a good soldier. What happened to you? Where did the real you go? This isn't like you at all, Wufei.' Trowa said and Wufei looked away from him. Moments passed on and Wufei sat silently on the bed, staring motionless to the sheets of the bed. Wufei sighed, and turned, so that his back was facing Trowa. 'This is the real me, Barton.' He spoke suddenly. His voice empty and cold. 'But I wouldn't get used to it if I were you.' After that Wufei sat up and stood on both his feet. He walked around the bed until he was standing in front of Trowa and shook his head. 'I am going to meditate. Please leave my room.' He announced. When Trowa made no avail to leave he sighed and walked out of the room himself.
The week after that had gone fast. Wufei avoided Trowa like he was the plague, not wanting to speak to him. The biggest reason for that being the fact he was afraid. He, Wufei Chang, afraid. If the others would hear of it, they would laugh. But he really was afraid. The thoughts of being a no good soldier still plagued him. And the things he was feeling, weren't making it easier for him to face Trowa.
It was late in the evening of the ninth day, when Heero came to speak to Wufei. Wufei was sitting in the living room, polishing his sword.
'Chang,' Wufei looked up to see Heero standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame, arms crossed. 'Yuy, something wrong?'
'Yes, there is.' Heero answered and pushed himself off the doorway. With small steps he walked to Wufei and Wufei raised a suspicious brow.
Silently Heero sat down on a chair that stood nearby the place Wufei was sitting. Wufei watched his every move and as Heero sat, he laid his sword away. He glared at Heero but Heero just looked at him in a way only Heero Yuy could. 'Why did you disturb me, when seemingly your question isn't that urgent?' Wufei questioned Heero after a while of silence. Wufei was getting angry. Why had Heero said something was wrong, and then didn't question the matter? 'I was thinking,' was the answer and Wufei looked strangely at Heero. He crossed his arms and cocked his head to the side. Heero Yuy, thinking. Well, call newspaper. Wufei snorted and shook his head. He opened his mouth to speak, but Heero spoke faster. 'Don't go there, Chang.' He said and Wufei smirked. 'If that's what you want, Yuy.'
'Hn,' Heero grunted and after that narrowed his eyes. 'Something is wrong with you.' He suddenly stated and Wufei looked at him, shocked. So, Heero knew. He thought to himself, and snorted softly.
'I don't know what you're talking about Yuy.' He said coldly. He turned his head a bit away, so he could take in Heero's look a bit better. But Heero's eyes only narrowed more, if possible. 'Don't lie to me, Chang. It won't work. Something IS wrong, and I want to know what it is.'
'And why the sudden interest in me, anyway, Yuy? It's not as if we are the best of friends so to speak.' Wufei questioned and Heero leaned back against the back of the chair he was sitting in.
'It interests me, Chang, because there might be a chance you will bring the mission, and therefore, one of the pilots in danger. We can't afford such a thing. Not now, and also not later on in the war. If there is a problem that can damage a mission, or person, I want you to solve it.'
After Heero had spoken Wufei frowned. So that was what this was all about. The mission, and the safety of the others. Well, there was only one way to solve this. Though denial had been his first hit, it wouldn't work on Heero, not now. So Wufei went for his second. Bring the mission in it.
'Hn, my problems won't bring the mission, or any of the others in danger. I can handle it.' Wufei spoke icy as he looked at Heero. Heero looked back at him, with an equal look only the two of them could produce and after that stood up with a nod.
'I trust your judgement on that.' Heero said, and after that walked out of the room again.
Wufei frowned slightly at himself, as Heero was gone. 'Right,' he whispered softly to himself. A grim smile crept up to his face and he turned up his nose in disgust of himself. 'Of course I can deal with my own problems.' He said, knowing the words weren't perfectly true, but wanting to re-assure himself anyway of things.
He sighed and touched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. At least he didn't start on self-pity yet. He had seen many things in his life, and he knew that self-pity could even take the best warrior down. Not that his own misery hadn't taken him down already, he just knew that if eh started on self-pity he would be really lost.
And being lost was one of the few things he could use right now. He already had to deal with the fact he was a no-good soldier, if that wasn't pity already. And on top of that, Trowa came.
And that was a whole new problem on itself. He just didn't know how to get a hold of it. How to deal with it and he certainly didn't know how to confront Trowa with it.
'Man, that's so unfa~air!'
A soft wail sounded through the living room and Wufei looked towards the chessboard with a raised brow. 'You know you don't play chess,' Quatre told him from the other side of the board with a grin, 'that well.' He added. 'But Q-man!' Duo wined again and Quatre snickered.
Wufei sighed again and turned his head towards the window, looking outside.
He sat there for a while, looking to the street over the front-yard. The laughter and voices of Quatre and Duo were almost un-heard to him as he stared outside.
'Wufei?' A soft voice called his name and Wufei looked up from the window. Next to him was standing Trowa, looking at him with a slight smile. 'Yes, what is it?' Wufei asked, raising a brow at Trowa. 'I was wondering if you would want to take a walk with me?'
Wufei's eyes widened slightly at the question and Trowa blushed slightly as Wufei stared at him.
'Y-yes, I'd like that.' Wufei finally uttered and Trowa's smile lingered on his lips a little longer.
'It's good to see the two of you finally do something together. I was starting to think I'd seen the signs wrong.' Quatre spoke as they'd almost left the room. Wufei immediately turned on his heels and looked at Quatre with big eyes. Quatre smiled sweetly at him and Duo merely grinned. 'You didn't know we knew you were a couple? Ha, fat chance.' He said and Wufei gaped at him. 'We're not a couple, as you are suggesting, Maxwell.' He uttered and Duo just grinned. 'Yeah, right. Tell that to the horse-marines.' He laughed and Wufei got irritated because of it. It irritated him, because he wanted Duo to be true, knowing he wasn't. It irritated him knowing that that was exactly what Duo was hinting for. It irritated him because of the smile Duo wore on his face. It irritated him in a way only Duo Maxwell could get out of him.
'Shut up Maxwell.' Wufei sneered and Duo snorted. 'Pha, why would I?'
'Maxwell, watch it. I already said, Barton and I are Not. A. couple.' Wufei growled and Duo raised his shoulders. 'Yeah, go and ignore it Dragon-Man. Go and ignore it.'
'Maxwell!'
'You love him for Gods sake and you're just being a pussy about if 'cause you're afraid.' Duo stated angrily.
It wasn't rare that he and Duo got into a fight, they just were like that. Their personalities totally crashed every time a word was spoken, but neither seemed willing to change that. And normally it would've flown over with a couple of hasty, angry words.
But today, Wufei didn't feel like yelling at all. So he did the only thing left possible. He growled, and stormed out of the room.
The door slammed behind Wufei as he left the room in rage. Where did Maxwell get the guts? From what did Maxwell get the thought he and Trowa could possibly be a couple?
Maybe because you act like a lovesick puppy around him. A small voice in the back of Wufei's head whispered to him.
Immediately Wufei froze in his steps and his eyes widened slightly at hearing that familiar, un-trusted voice speaking to him.
My, my. Your trust of me is that high? The voice sneered and Wufei shook his head, trying to make it stop. But, just as always, the voice didn't stop. It plagued him more than his dreams, no, nightmares, ever could.
It made him feel more useless and weak because when just the slightest trace of doubt entered his thoughts, the voice made it worse.
It always did, and that was the whole reason as to why Wufei felt so much self-doubt. Why he thought he wasn't able to fight Nataku, and most of al, why he thought he wasn't worthy of Trowa.
That's right, you aren't. And you're so weak, you possibly never will.
'Stop it,' Wufei whispered to himself as he leaned against the wall of the staircase. He laid his right hand against his face and balanced himself with the other on the wall. He sighed heavily as he remembered all the times that same, dark, voice had plagued him.
Yes, I did. Getting quite good at it too, ba?' [5]
Right at that moment Wufei almost jumped out of his skin. It, the voice, his inner-demon, it spoke his native tongue? How on earth!
'Wěi, I do. [6] But hush, boy. I won't harm you in any way. I'm only here to warn you.'
'Bù [1]!' Wufei suddenly shouted and he fell on his knees slowly. He closed his eyes tightly and took a deep breath. 'Wèi shěn me,'[7] he whispered softly, taking over the habit of speaking in Mandarin when afraid or hurt.
'Because you're weak!'
'N-no, I am not weak. I'm not-'
'Wufei! O my, are you all right?'
'Go away, Winner,' he whispered softly and closed his eyes against his playing headache. His inner-demon was playing with him, his body, and Wufei couldn't figure out why.
'But Wufei! You're hurt. Here, let me help you.' Quatre spoke to him on a soft and soothing voice, helping him off the ground, even when Wufei tried to push him away. 'Winner, let go of me!'
'Wufei, no.' Quatre said, looking at him with pleading eyes. Wufei looked, tried to resist and say no. But he just couldn't. Not to Quatre. Not to those innocent, helpful, worried eyes. With a sigh he gave in and let Quatre drag him, wherever he wanted to.
Slowly he raised his eyes off the mug he was holding in both his hands, glaring angrily at a mop of blonde hair that sat on the other end of the low table in the living room. Blue eyes blinked at him and then a smile was thrown to him. Wufei shook his head and looked down into his tea again. It had a green- and brownish look. Green tea. Well, the colour wouldn't stand for that, at all. But it tasted nice, so it didn't matter, not that much anyway.
Wufei sighed as his thoughts strayed off rational thought.
'Wufei, how have you been?' Quatre asked suddenly, and Wufei stared at him. How have you been? That's the best he came up with? Wufei was baffled at the moment. Quatre, always worried about others, just asked how he had been! God, if the blonde would think for a moment, he would know how Wufei'd been!
'Fine, thanks Winner. What about yourself?' Wufei asked and now it was Quatre's turn to gape.
Or so he thought.
Quatre didn't gape, he didn't hesitate, nor did the polite smile fall off his face. 'I've been fine, thanks Wufei. But actually, I'm worried.'
'What about, Winner?'
'You.'
It was a simple statement, but it had enough impact to throw Wufei off balance. He looked at Quatre, un-easy at the sudden situation. 'Me? Why?'
'Because I can feel pain. And I know it is yours.' Quatre answered, laying a hand near his heart. Wufei shook his head and looked at him with defiance. 'How would you know it's mine?'
'I've asked around. And everybody said your name when I mentioned it.' Quatre said calmly and Wufei hold his breath. 'T-they did?'
'Yes, Wufei. They did.' Quatre answered and was silent after that. 'We're all worried about you.'
'Nonsense.' Wufei said and Quatre gasped softly. 'We are, Wufei. We are!'
'Yes, you are. As long as I am a danger to the mission, you are worried. But I'll tell you. I can handle it myself, and won't bring the mission, nor any of the other pilots in unnecessary danger.'
'What about yourself?' Quatre asked softly, his eyes downcast. 'Myself? What are you talking about, Winner?' Wufei demanded.
'You'll bring yourself in unnecessary danger. I heard… felt it. When you woke up, that morning. I felt it, and it hurt, so much. Wufei! I can't let you slowly destroy yourself! I want to help you. We all want to help you, Wufei!'
'Why! Why damnit!'
'Because we care!' Quatre now yelled back and Wufei's eyes widened. Immediately after that, his look hardened and Quatre wondered if he had seen the widening of Wufei's eyes at all.
'I don't.' Wufei spoke finally and after that, stood up and walked away.
'You hurt him, bù rén hún dàn. [8]'
'That's all I can do good nowadays anyway.'
'B-but… Hey!' The voice in his head stuttered and Wufei smirked slightly, laying on his left-side on his bed. 'Hey what?' Wufei whispered back, not realising that for any person that might be outside, it seemed he was talking to himself. And, in a way, he was. For the better or the worse.
'You aren't supposed to talk back to me.'
'I know,' he answered and smirked, as it got silent in his head. 'Gods Nataku! I don't know how long I've waited for this moment.' Wufei exclaimed as he laughed. Finally, finally the voices were gone and he could just lie down for a moment. Lie down and not wonder, not feel as if he wasn't worth a thing.
But little did he know, it wouldn't last for long.
Silent he stared as the four other pilots were in the back yard. Duo and Quatre were spraying each other with the water hose. Trowa was busy trying to stop them, knowing they would get sick because of the wind and freezing water in the fall-day. Heero was sitting on the porch, typing on his laptop.
But he was sitting inside, in a grand chain by the window, staring to the sky.
Things had been peaceful, for a couple days. The voices in his head stopped, the doubt had fled, or so it seemed. Wufei had been in his normal mood again, and all worry had disappeared in Quatre's eyes.
All was fine, until Trowa came, and had claimed his promised walk.
/Flashback/
It was quiet and peaceful in the woods where he and Trowa were walking. The coloured leaves crunched under their shoes and a rather cold breeze blew. The two of them were silent, no words needed to be said.
But suddenly the wind came up harder, and Wufei's scarf blew into his face. 'Uh…' With some difficulty he tried to get it out of his face, but he froze, when cool hands touched his face, and removed the scarf.
The scarf was dropped onto the ground, and the two just stared at each other. Cold fingers moved over his cheek and he closed his eyes as he leaned into the light caress. 'Wufei,' Trowa breathed softly and Wufei opened his eyes to look at Trowa. Slowly Trowa leaned in and Wufei closed his eyes again as Trowa's lips touched his.
Soft lips moved against his own and Wufei was lost in bliss. The feeling that bottled up in the pit of his stomach gave him the feeling he was floating on air. Wufei opened his mouth willingly as Trowa's tongue touched his lips, asking entrance. A soft moan escaped him, as he and Trowa broke apart. Breathless they stared at each other until Trowa's fingers touched Wufei's cheekbone.
Suddenly Wufei's eyes widened and he stepped away from Trowa.
'You think I'd leave?'
'N-no…' he whispered softly as he heard the voice in the back of his head, again. 'Wufei?' Trowa asked him and stepped closer, trying to reach for Wufei. When Wufei backed off another step Trowa stopped and looked at Wufei with pained eyes.
'Was it something I did?' Trowa asked, unsure and heartbroken. But Wufei could only shake his head, eyes wide.
And after two minutes or so, he turned and ran. Trowa looked as Wufei ran and bend to grab the fallen scarf. He held it up and smelled in the still lingering scent that was only Wufei's. Trowa turned and walked back to the safe house then. No emotion showing on his face, but the hand that clenched the scarf tightly told the other pilots enough.
/End Flashback/
After that day, no words were spoken between him and Trowa. When Wufei would leave his room everybody avoided him, knowing he would yell when someone spoke to him.
And now he sat in the living room, alone. Though he'd never admit it, he hated being alone. Because in those moments he was forced to think.
Wufei sighed and looked down to his folded hands, which were resting in his lap. It was as easy as that, and how much he thought of it, it wouldn't get simpler, nor more complicated.
He had asked himself thousands of times why he'd run. And every time he came down with the same conclusion.
'I'm no good,' he whispered softly, as he remembered the words he'd spoke the night after Trowa had kissed him.
'That's not true.' A voice spoke suddenly and Wufei's head snapped up towards the doorway. 'Maxwell.'
'Yeah, thought you might want some company.' Duo spoke as he walked towards Wufei, leaning against the windowsill. Wufei looked at him for a second and after that adverted his gaze outside again. 'Wufei,' Duo started but stopped as soon as Wufei looked at him. 'What?'
'You called me Wufei.' He stated and Duo shook his head. 'So?'
'Not Wu-baby, Wu-man, or such dishonoured things.'
'So?'
'What's wrong, Maxwell?' Wufei asked and Duo looked at him. 'With me, nothing.'
'But,'
'Quatre's sad again.'
'So?'
'Because Trowa is.'
'So? Maxwell, where are you going?' Wufei almost snarled and Duo looked at him with flashing eyes. 'Trowa is sad because of you! Don't you understand it, Wufei? We are all sad because of you! Heero is mad, because Quatre's sad, and I am too just because I care. I don't know what shit you're in, but please, make sure you get the hell out of it!' Duo yelled now and Wufei looked at him with big eyes. Make sure you get the hell out of it….
'If you told me how to, I would, Duo! If you told me how to!' Wufei yelled and Duo was taken aback. He hadn't expected Wufei to call him by his first name, nor say a thing, and certainly not something that sounded so… desperate. 'Wufei,' Duo tried, but he didn't get further than the calling of his name. Because he didn't know what to say, didn't know what to do. So he just did the only thing he thought would help. He laid his hand on Wufei's shoulder, and hoped he would talk.
'I feel so weak. I don't deserve your respect, Maxwell. I don't.' Wufei said after a while and Duo sighed. 'You can call me Duo, Wufei. And for all I care, you deserve my respect. We're friends.' Wufei sat silent, thinking about the words.
He bent his head and looked down to the ground, studying the carpet. 'I'm weak. I don't deserve to fight this war. I'm unworthy of Nataku and I don't deserve any kind of caring.' He spoke, his voice empty and his eyes as emotionless as they could get. After he'd said the words he heard a small stumbling coming from the hall, but more he felt the hit Duo'd thrown at him. His cheek stung and his eyes were wide as he looked at Duo. His mouth opened to say a thing, but his brain couldn't form words. 'You selfish bastard!' Duo huffed and was about to hit him again when the door, leading to the kitchen, opened. 'Duo, stop it.' Heero. Wufei lifted his eyes so he could see the Perfect Soldier standing in the doorway. 'I thought you said your problems wouldn't affect any of the others, nor hurt them in any matter.' Heero spoke calmly and Wufei looked down, again. 'I know,' he spoke softly and he heard Heero walk closer. 'Than why do you go on like this and don't fix your problems?'
'Because I can't.' Wufei spoke up and Heero stood, silent. Duo looked at him, baffled. 'Why not?'
'I can't stop the voices from coming. I can't stop them from talking to me. I can't keep from thinking I'm no good. I can't keep the doubt away. And I'm not far away from breaking down.'
Wufei's voice was emotionless, the same applied for his eyes.
Suddenly something came to his mind and he looked at Duo. 'Who was in the hallway?' He asked and Duo looked down. 'Trowa,' he whispered as reply and Wufei shook his head slightly. 'You hurt him… again.' Duo spoke but Wufei didn't do a thing. He just looked at the wall with emotionless eyes.
'Wufei! Just get the hell over the fuckin' fact ya don't deserve any caring and talk to Trowa!' Duo yelled and Wufei looked at Heero, almost pleading him to say he didn't have to go. Heero shook his head and looked at Wufei with a hard gaze. 'Talk to him, Chang.'
He knocked onto the door of Trowa's room softly. Almost as if he was afraid the knock would be heard and answered. 'Yes?'
Trowa's soft voice emerged from the inside of the room and Wufei closed his eyes and leaned his hands on the door. 'It's me.' He whispered softly as a reply and he heard a soft sigh from the other side of the door. 'Come in.' Trowa said and Wufei opened the door slightly. He looked in and saw Trowa sitting on the bed, looking out the window, back to the door.
'Barton,' Wufei spoke as he closed the door behind him and he heard Trowa letting out a mocking laugh. 'So I'm back to Barton now, eh?' He asked, but still didn't turn. 'I-'
'You don't know. No, of course you don't. Because you're confused and all. I wouldn't know either if I were you.' Trowa spat and Wufei winched slightly. 'Trowa,'
'What, Wufei? What!' Trowa yelled as he turned around. Wufei could see red marks of tears on Trowa's cheeks and immediately realised he'd cried.
'I-I…' Wufei started, but failed saying the words he'd wanted to say. He wanted to tell Trowa what was wrong, really, he did. But something held him from telling it. Something was keeping him from telling Trowa how he really felt, about everything, about him.
'If you don't have anything to say, you can leave.' Trowa told him on an icy voice and Wufei winched. He lifted his gaze, and stared into Trowa's eyes.
'I-I'm sorry. I've tried to tell, wanted to tell, what was, is, wrong. But somehow I just couldn't, and… and I pushed everybody way. But, you can't care about me, I'm not worth it. I'm just, unworthy of the respect the others give me. And for some while, the voices went away. I felt at peace. And then you kissed me and…. and I felt so good. And I never wanted that moment to end. But it did, and the voices came back. I got my nightmares again and again things I'd rather not know a thing about haunted me. And all I ever wanted was for the voices to stop. But that was in the beginning. Because when the voices were gone, you weren't there. I didn't need comfort anymore, so I trained. But you weren't there, and when you were, the voices were back again. But when the voices weren't there I felt empty, and every time I was with you, it felt all right. So what I'm trying to say is…' Wufei stopped for a moment and took a shaky breath. He looked down to the carpet and whispered, 'wo ai ni, Trowa.' [9]
Wufei stood there, looking to the carpet, closing his eyes to let the tears that'd welled up in his eyes fall. Regardless of how weak he would look, he let them fall. And suddenly he felt firm arms wrap around his waist. And he didn't have to think, he just buried his face in the crook of Trowa's shoulder and cried.
'Wufei,' Trowa breathed softly, and Wufei could feel Trowa's hot breath over his ear. 'I love you too.'
And suddenly their lips slide against each other, and they both closed their eyes, enjoying the feeling for a while. Wufei's hands reached up and buried their selves in Trowa's hair, while Trowa's hands stayed on his waist. Trowa licked the lips below his own and Wufei slowly opened his mouth to let Trowa's tongue slide in. Trowa let out a moan as their tongues played and stroked each other. Searching out all the places that would let the other moan. After while, they broke apart, gasping for air.
Wufei stared at Trowa, as his long fingers moved over Wufei's cheeks to wipe away the tears that were still lingering there. 'I'll help you through it, love. I swear I will.' Trowa promised and Wufei rested his forehead against Trowa's. 'Xièxie nǐ.' [10]
A boy lay lonely in a grand bed, turning and twisting under the spell of a nightmare. As soon as he had fallen asleep it had started, and until now, it hadn't stopped. He called out the name of his love desperately, calling for him to help. But no one came, because he was all-alone in the room. He twisted and turned, and the sheets he lay under, clung all around him. It was almost as if he was sleeping in the warmth of a cocoon. But the breathing suddenly stopped, as the sheet clung to tightly around the throat of the boy. And he let out a gasp, one single word. 'Trowa…'
The next morning three pilots sat silently in the kitchen. Suddenly the kitchen door opened and Trowa walked in, tears falling down from his face.
'Trowa! What's wrong?' Quatre immediately asked as he saw Trowa enter and Heero and Duo looked up too. 'Wufei,' Trowa chocked out and fell to the ground. 'Trowa?' Duo questioned and Trowa let out a desperate wail. 'He's dead…'
'No…' Duo whispered and Quatre clutched his chest. 'I didn't feel it.'
Duo stood up and walked to Trowa, embracing him and whispering soothing words of comfort to him. While the two of them were on the kitchen floor, whispering to each other and crying, Quatre fled to Wufei's room, closely followed by Heero.
When Quatre stood in the room, looking to the bed, he let out a chocked gasp, followed by sobs. 'H-he… Heero!' He brought out as he clung to Heero's tank top tightly. 'He is tangled in his sheets.' Heero whispered softly as he stroked Quatre's hair. 'D-did he kill himself? Heero…' Quatre questioned in-between sobs and Heero stroked his hair another time. 'No, little one. He chocked. The sheets were too tight around his throat.' Heero said and embraced Quatre. 'At least he's gotten rid of the voices now. He's found peace. Real peace.' Heero spoke, and Quatre shook his head, knowing it was true. But he also knew…
Trowa would never agree with those words.
The End
Author's note:
Well, that was a lot of work. It took me so long to finish, and I am really proud of the out come.
For all the words that I've used, I am of course not entirely sure that it really IS the correct translation I was looking for. I've used an internet-dictionary, but I'm still not very sure. Also I don't really know if the words are correct like this, because I erased the spaces between them, thinking they were syllables. So if I'm wrong, please tell me, so I can correct the things.
Translation of Chinese:
[1] Bù : Negative prefix, no/not
[2] Pìhuà : Shit or nonsense.
[3] Duìbuqi : I'm sorry, forgive me, pardon me. (Which one you like most)
[4] Zhòumà : Damn, curse
[5] Ba : Right?
[6] Wěi : Yes
[7] Wèi shěn me : Why, for what reason?
[8] Bù rén : not benevolent/heartless/numb/
Hún dàn : Bastard (it was my intention to make Heartless bastard of it, but I didn't know if it was good. So in translation, I split the words up, just like I searched for them. If it's not good, tell me, I'd appreciate that.)
[9] Wo ai ni : I love you
[10] Xièxie nǐ : Thank you
So, please review and let me know what you think.