Part Four Choices 10th June 2000

Waking up next to Angel is a new experience, even though I have done it many times before – okay, not many times, but more than a couple – it's different now that things between us are different. The curse is still there, so is that non-recommended co-dependency thing, but I feel different when I'm with him. I'm not a hormonal teen, I'm a woman in love, it's nice.

Telling Angel my big, bad, relationship destroying secret wouldn't be the best move. Should I tell him before or after I tell the others, or should I just skip town and live out the rest of my days being a single parent? I groan in disagreement, nope definitely not the second option, unless Angel wants to come with me. Some part of me thinks he'd be a great father, but is it possible to be okay with the fact that the love of your life is having a kid with another guy?

Probably not, not even in these extreme circumstances. We've reached some sought of unsaid arrangement, that we are sort of together again. I should say something and make it more concrete. Because I can't shake the feeling that one day I will wake up and he would have left for whatever reason popped into his handsome head.

"Buffy, do you want anything to eat?"

"Yeah."

He was there when I woke up this morning, that was extra nice, and I knew that I don't deserve feeling happy right now, but I wanted to. Angel can cook, who knew?

"What do you feel like?"

"Wait," I got out of his bed and walked over to the kitchenette. "Do you have anything here? Or do you want me to go to the store…or something?"

"No, I have things to eat. Other than pig's blood." He added with a grin. I smiled too and wrapped my arms around his waist. Angel put his hands over mine. "So, what do you want?"

"I don't know. Honest. How about you go crazy and I'll eat it?"

"Are you sure? Some food might upset your sto- your tastebuds."

"But I won't tell you if they do. Just cook, I'll watch and we can talk about stuff."

"Oh, a 'stuff' talk. What's this about?"

"What else, us."

"Okay."

We let go at the same time, Angel turned around and I kissed him on the lips for only a second, or I wouldn't have been able to stop: Angel is currently topless and completely gorgeous.

"I love you, Angel."

"I love you too, Buffy. Go sit," he nodded towards the table that had only two chairs with it. I don't know why, but that made me smile. I sat myself down at the chair nearest the wall, Angel walked to his wardrobe and put on a shirt. I huffed a bit at that, but since it's a wife-beater, maybe I'll forgive him.

"You want to go first?"

"Okay…" I starred at my hands. "Are you going to leave me again?"

"Not if I can help it."

"But you couldn't help it the times you did leave."

"I can't predict and control the future, Buffy. Do I want to leave you, never have, never will. But things have happened, you know that. I couldn't stay, not only because I wanted you to have a normal life, but because one day, you were going to make me perfectly happy. It's unavoidable."

"But, we won't do anything-"

"I'm not talking about making love, I'm talking about you smiling at me, and that being the trigger. Sex with you is not the trigger, you are. Didn't you realise?"

"I thought you were just being a guy. I'm sorry, really, but I was 17, what else did you think I would think. I mean, it's not like we could talk about that night after it happened. Well, we could, but I didn't want to hear him say it all over again. We never talked about after you came back from Hell either. Hell, we never talked about any of it, and it's making me pretty mad now!"

I stopped talking, Angel was starring at me with an expressionless face. It made me terribly uncomfortable. He suddenly smiled widely, he walked over to me, bent down on one knee and pulled me into his arms, after the initial shock, I put my arms around him as well.

"Angel, what are you doing?" I asked with my mouth pressed against his wife-beater. This is nice, I thought to myself.

"Just holding you. Is that a bad thing?"

"No, no." I tightened my hold, "but it was out of nowhere. What were you thinking about?"

"How much I love you."

"Oh."

"I know we never talked about anything after I came back. Part of me didn't want to, ever, share what happened to me. And please don't hate me because I don't want to know."

"I could never hate you. I want to know, the selfish, curious part does. But you don't have to tell me, I understand."

"You understand so much more than you should."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You understand my actions and don't…"

"Hate you for them."

"In a way: yes."

"I already said I could never hate you."

"I love you, so much. I need you to know that I always will, and nothing you could say or do will change that."

Yes, it could. It could. I pulled myself free from Angel's arms, the ones I so badly wanted to go back into and never leave. I know something that could destroy us, and it's inside of me.

"You don't know that. Like you said, the future isn't ours to know or predict. Don't make promises you don't know if you can keep."

"But I know I can keep this one."

"Oh, this one! That's nice! How about all the other ones? The ones you broke, shattered…you haven't kept a lot, what makes now different?" I yelled angrily. "You've done so much to me, not good things either. You've hurt me so much-"

"You've hurt me to. I'm hurting right now."

"Why? Are you going to tell me that? Or aren't you ready, I may understand a lot of things, but I also don't like a lot more things. This isn't right, what if you and I just aren't…" I couldn't find it in me to even finish that sentence. After everything that had happened in the past week, I needed to have Angel here, I needed our forever. All other things in my life has fallen apart, I wanted it to work this time. I was dreaming, deluded even, because it is not going to happen. "I'm so sorry for whatever I have done to you, the hurt…I didn't mean to. Except maybe when I came to LA with that whole Faith thing."

"Buffy, what are you-?"

"This is it, I guess. I love you and thank you-" I started crying, Angel took a step closer, and I took a step away. "Thank you for getting me through the past few days…it was nice to pretend it could work."

"No, Buffy, I need to tell you-"

"Goodbye." I whispered through my tears and I ran from Angel's apartment? Home? It doesn't matter. I heard him call after me, then run after me. I ran faster and out into the sun. Angel reached out for me, but the sun burnt his pale flesh. It singed and he cried out in pain, I wanted to go back and tend his wounds, but I couldn't. Hate me for it if you want, I already hate myself.

(PAGE BREAK)

I ran all the way home before I realised that I didn't want to be here either. But Dawn was sitting on the front porch.

"Buffy, where were you? Mom is so worried."

"Good."

"You don't mean that."

"Right now I do."

"Did you go to Angel?"

"Yeah, don't ask any questions, please. Or I'll hurt you."

"Okay," she got up and walked into the house. That was weird, I thought as I followed her.

Dawn was sitting on the couch watching the television, I walked into the dining room and then into the kitchen, since I ran out of Angel's place before eating, I was hungry and I hate it when it starts making noises.

My mom was sitting at the counter reading the paper like she usually does. It's never been my thing, to sit there every morning, I know it could help at times with the Slaying, but I don't find it that-

"Buffy, what are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you too, mom."

"It's not that, it's…I'm surprised that you're here, after what happened." She looked up at me, I looked away. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about, I had a bit of a freak-out moment. I'm okay now."

"Buffy…"

"Listen, mom. My boyfriend just died, I think I can be a bit upset!"

"Yes, you can. You have every right to." Joyce said softly, I felt bad, she didn't deserve my anger being channelled at her. "But are you sure there's not something else? You can tell me anything, you now that right?"

"No, I can't tell you everything. Do you remember when I told you I was the Slayer, it didn't go over too well. I recall you kicking me out of the house-"

"Okay!" she yelled. "I didn't have the best reaction-"

"You can say that again."

"But I learnt to deal with it. Buffy you're my daughter, and I love you more than anything-"

"Besides me," said Dawn walking into the kitchen, she put her cup in the sink and walked back out. I starred at her as she went. Sometimes Dawn seems smarter then you'd think she is, then other times…well, you know.

"I know. But I can't." I looked down at my hands as though the were fascinating. "It's not your fault. I'm sorry."

My mother sighed and I was unexpected pulled into her arms. I put my arms around her, "you don't have to be sorry about anything. It's not your fault either, no matter you may think, no one blames you, Buffy."

"Thanks for trying to make me feel better-"

"Oh, no." Mom pulled away and looked my right in the eyes. "That won't happen with a few words, Buffy. No amount of words could make you feel better. It'll take time, maybe a lot of time. But you will feel better."

"Okay." I smiled, she smiled back and kissed my on the cheek. "I'm gonna go up to my room. If, um, if Angel comes…tell him that I'm up there, and that I want to talk to him."

"Sure."

I nodded and walked towards the stairs.

(PAGE BREAK)

I threw the diary across the room, not hard enough to damage to diary or anything else in the room, but I threw it anyway. For some possessed reason, I took it from the drawer and looked to the last entry, the one where I said that I was pregnant. I'm going to burn that page, maybe the whole thing.

I don't want my life to be this way. I don't want to be the Slayer, I don't want to be alone, pregnant…19. Alone. I really am, aren't I? God, that's awful. Can I change it? Is it a Slayer thing, or something more, worse? Can Angel make me feel not so alone?

I wish he would, but having him around is just making it so much harder, because I have to tell him that I'm having a baby with a man he hated. And we both have to live with that.

There is still several hours before sundown, I'm not sure how that makes me feel. One the one hand, I'm glad because it seems that Angel isn't going to come follow me, but on the other, I want him here. I groaned and put the pillow over my face and screamed in frustration. This is just…I can't do this, I'm going to have a breakdown of nuclear proportion! I can't be a mother, I don't know how to take care of someone else, unless their being attacked by some demon I don't know what to do!

The thought of running for the hills makes its way into my head. Would b it be so bad to start over? No, it wouldn't. But who would look after the Hellmouth and my family? Would Angel do it if I don't take him with me? Yes, he would, he'd never let anything happen to them.

I let out another scream and when I come back up for air Angel is standing at the end of my bed.

"Your mother said you wanted to talk to me." he said flatly. His face was unreadable, even for me and it terrified me that I couldn't tell what he was feeling or thinking.

"I didn't think you would be here for hours."

"You didn't think I'd follow you?"

"No, guess not." I looked away and put my pillow on my lap in some attempt to comfort me. "I thought maybe you wanted some space…or I just wished you wanted some space because I wanted some space."

"Okay." He said unsure of what I had said. Angel sat at the end of my bed, I pulled my legs up tight – away from him – and a flash of pain crossed Angel's face. I instantly felt bad.

"Angel, I-"

"Your mom said you wanted to tell me something." He reminded, changing the subject.

"Yeah, I do. Uh, listen," I put the pillow next to me and moved to sit next to him. He shifted his weight and looked away. Don't do this, please. I'm so sorry. "I shouldn't have said those things, I know you didn't want to leave me. It was never a question of that, I had no right to get angry at you like that. But-"

"You're going through some heavy stuff, Buffy. I understand."

"I don't want you to." Another flash of pain. "I didn't mean it like that, I want you to tell me that I was being a bitch, 'cause I was. I love you so much, and I haven't been showing you how grateful I am that you're here. You came to help us save the town and I haven't even said thank you."

"Buffy, you don't need to say this either. I love you so much as well, I gave up on us, on me ever being able to be happy again. I didn't think I deserved to have you-"

"Are you kidding me?"

"But I want to be happy again, as long as it's not perfectly happy, I will be here, with you for as long as-"

"How's forever?" I said suddenly, "does forever work for you?"

He smiled, not a half smile, but with teeth. I smiled too, tears welling in my eyes. His smiled grew and I have never seen anything so beautiful.

"Forever works just fine."

"It's the whole point." I said softly as Angel pulled me into his arms. "Forever…that's the whole point."

"I love you, nothing could change that. Nothing."

I must have believed him, or had a moment of complete insanity, but I blurted out my big bad secret:

"I'm pregnant."

TBC…

Next part should be up soon, just finishing it off now. Wow, it's been a long time since I've updated anything. Sorry about that, RL been taking up more time then I would like it to. Hope you liked this part, things are going to get more interesting. You know the deal: read and review, Maddy.