Disclaimer: I don't own JoA.

Hey. This is very short, I know, sorry. But there will be more. And you know the saying; things have to get worse before they can get better.

This is the night after chapter 1. Funeral is up next I guess, unless I just skip it.

ooo

Journal.

When you pretend to care, it hurts almost as much as it does when you just don't. How dare you stand there and smile at me like you're sorry when you and me both know that soon we'll go through this whole ordeal again? What gave you the right to make me feel as shit as I do right now? So you gave birth to me. You're my biological mother. Some mother you turned out to be. I don't know why you bothered. Why do I care what you think? Why do you make me feel like this and then the next day I'll just give in and let you pretend things are normal? What the hell is going on in your head? If you're gonna self-destruct that's your shit but you're dragging Dad and me down with you. You're killing me mom, do you even care?

ooo

I hate you Mom

Is this love?

You've ruined me Mom

Is this care?

I'm hurting Mom

Is this childhood?

I want to scream at you Mom

Is this normal?

I'm broken now Mom

Do you feel it?

I can't stand you now Mom

Do you mind?

I can't love you any more Mom

Do you love me?

I guess not

Well you drink yourself stupid

Because in my head I'm murdering you

Painfully

Over and over again

A thousand times

Grace took in the words, just a page of a whole notebook filled with hate. They didn't change much. Same message, same words, over and over again in different ways, a page for almost every night since she was about 10. She suddenly thought of the possibility that Sarah could read this now. The guilt consumed her, smothered her like a thick blanket. So she sat there, in the darkness of her closet, flicking off the torch to stop herself reading any more. The tears fell onto the pages on her lap, washing away the ink, erasing the words.

I do love you Mom. I swear it, I do.