I have to find him before it's too late. I was ready to destroy all the trees if that's what I had to do to find him. I felt it. A lot of people call it woman's intuition but cold sweat broke through my body this morning, as soon as I woke up. I tried to ignore it at first but my husband's absence worried me. I don't know how or why but I feel a certain force drawing me to the woods. Oh ancestors, please don't leave him. Please don't let them take him away. I need him. I really do.

He had given me a reason to live. Before he was just a nuisance to me but he stayed, as if he knew all along that I needed him in my life. It was as if he knew that I would be nothing without him. I had often rejected him, pained him over and over again. I made him suffer a thousand deaths yet he continued to live for me. Sometimes, I wanted to turn him away, in hopes of making him leave his pathetic ways. I wanted him to live a life of his own, yet he always lingered by my side. He had always been my shadow for as long as I can remember.

He seemed to be always present in every single memory I have in all my years of existence. He was a friend at first, a playmate that seemed to like the things I liked, who played with me from dusk till dawn. But later on he had to complicate things and asked me to be his bride – we were merely toddlers back then. When I look back to that day, I start to wonder how advanced his way of thinking was, even back then. Mousse is a very deep thinker, a person with real intellect despite our tribe's judgment. Then again I guess… he became an idiot for me. What person in his right mind would continue to pursue a pompous spoiled Amazon brat who cared about nothing else but her self and her family pride? I refused to play with him when reality told me that he was a 'reject,' a weakling. I went against my nature by pushing him away for other people's company though we rarely understood each other. No one ever understood me as Mousse had. He knew more things about me than what I knew about myself. He followed me everywhere, did everything he could to keep up with me, including training various martial arts. He was a scholar by nature, not a fighter, but he forgot all these just to be at my pace, so we'd have reasons to meet again. I tried so hard to get into interests that I didn't expect him to follow or pursue, to get rid of him. He was a nuisance, a thorn… but what I kept denying was that… I was afraid. I was afraid of him. I was afraid because he knew too much about me. He accepted too much of me that he didn't care about my faults or my flaws. He didn't give a damn as to where I belonged or how arrogant I can be. This scared me. I wanted someone to love me because I was special, because I am perfect in his eyes. Yet Mousse loved me, every single part of me, I don't have to impress him for him to love me. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not for him to accept me. To me it seemed like shallow perfection; I was perfect in his eyes without disregarding my flaws – it was like I was perfectly imperfect. I am ashamed of my flaws, I am ashamed of being imperfect, and to know that someone loves me despite my imperfections is a blow to my ego. What am I, a second-grade person that does not need improvement? I want my future husband to see that I am the epitome of excellence, that he would not have a reason to ever be ashamed of me.

This was why I enjoyed pursuing Ranma. To him, I was imperfect. I was one of his pesky concubines who continually get him into trouble. I enjoyed pleasing him, because whenever I do, I feel like a brand new and improved person. My goal was to be perfect in his eyes, not like the tomboy or the "pervert girl" who he … eventually fell in love with. I started to become desperate. Why didn't I ever get to please him, no matter how much I tried? He kept on coming back to his stupid girl and leave me behind. Why am I always not good enough for him? Why do I always have to be the second priority? Why can't he just treat me as Mousse does?

After a few months, Mousse appeared at Nekohanten's doorstep (after challenging Ranma and that whole kidnapping fiasco) and offered to be a "part-time" boy. At first I was filled with joy. Finally, after all the stress I've been through, I'll be with someone who understands me, someone who will like me no matter what. But he changed. He surprised me a lot. He fought for me, countless of times. He was jealous, I know, and the dark woman in me wanted to make him jealous, because it made me feel important. What a fool I had been. I wished for him to be someone he's not. He started to treat me like I was the perfect goddess, continued to pursue me and never saw my faults. I beat him up often, abused him, mistreated him, but he always came back, and often with more ardor as before.

I became annoyed. Why can't he love me for who I am, and not who he pictured me in his mind to be? Why can't he love me not because I seem so perfect, but because I was human? I totally reversed my belief. It was then that I realized that you do not have to be perfect for the person to love you. It feels more rewarding to be loved despite your flaws, despite your misgivings. It is because we find only in imperfection the true meaning of faultlessness, the true meaning of love. It was only then that I realized that love is when a person holds someone so dearly that his eyes are not closed to her faults but the person molded himself to fill in the gaps to complete the person he/she loves. It was then when I realized why Ranma loved Akane so much – and I wanted that love for myself. More jealous than ever, I started to do worse things. I often schemed, used trickery and deception to reach my goal. I was starting to become crazier than that gymnast, Kodachi, is her name, if I'm not mistaken. A few times, I had fooled Mousse into being a tool in my ploy to get Ranma. I started to become more callous, more unaware of his love for me. Ranma continued to offer me his friendship and I mistook it for affection. I felt as though he loved me even more when he gave an extra effort to bend or mold himself to me since I have made myself more imperfect because of my insanity. I was blind to the fact that Mousse suffered even more, because he was the one who truly understood me. He accepted me, continued to follow me, tried to love me the way I originally wanted him to. He didn't give up on me though I was starting to turn myself into a monster. Ranma was there because maybe he thought my antics were just the typical craziness his other concubines and rivals have come up with; Mousse was there because he knew I was someone better, that he just had to wait and help me open my eyes to see what I have done to myself.

Mousse was there to give the love I had wanted. He had been giving it to me all along. I was just too blind to see it. It was such an irony how his physical blindness could not compare to the blindness of my heart. If he was blind as a bat, I never had eyes at all. I totally forgot the fact that the love I was running away from was the kind of love I was desperately seeking at that moment. This realization dawned on me on Ranma's wedding, when not even the Amazon laws could help me grab him for myself. Great-grandmother somehow worked her way around the law and lifted the order of marrying Ranma or killing his girl-half. I guess she did this because she saw the bad effects it had on me, because she loved me. When I look back on those miserable days now, I can finally see how thoughtless I had been. A lot of people loved me when I was still chasing after one man's love. His love wouldn't matter for it won't compare to the love of people close to me combined. Ranma did love me, but only as a friend. The love I was looking for could only be provided by the man for me. And that man was Mousse.

In the haze of my confusion and desperation, I gave up on life. The Amazon brat in me was living again (but then again, it never died.) I was so immature in thinking that life was so unfair because I couldn't get something I wanted even if I worked hard for it. Chasing Ranma took over my life completely, and now that his chapter is closed in my life, I have nowhere else to go. He took up so much space in my life I don't even know where to pick my self up anymore. I don't even know how to stand again. I was feeling ashamed of myself again. I left our tribe as a proud, ideal Amazon warrior. I was royalty, and I was viewed to be one who would never face failure. Now I shall return as a shameful, empty person. I went to great lengths to get Ranma, stoop down on a level way lower than I have ever imagined. I felt so ashamed of myself. I didn't deserve to live. Just then, Mousse had to be a saint for me… again. I often wondered why he was always the one who ends up rescuing me when I want someone else to do it. Why was he always there when I wanted to kill someone? Why did he always have to be my voice of reason? Why ancestors? Why did you always have to send Mousse? He asked me to live for him, if I didn't find a reason to live for myself anymore. At first I wanted to yell at him for being so arrogant. Live for him? I barely even acknowledge him. Then I saw a man who still had faith in me after all that has happened in my life. What right have I to reject him again? He was right – I had nothing to lose. It was a total advantage. Marrying him would put aside the fact that I had failed in my mission. I wouldn't have to return shamefully to China; the other Amazons don't fully know what had transpired in Nerima anyway. The only failure they know was my failure to marry Ranma, but my great-grandmother already took care of that, and now its hidden stigma will totally be eradicated. Amazons are still women after all, and if they thought that I have found my true love and married him instead since all other obstacles have been erased already, they would see the tenderness and the romance behind that lie. It wouldn't be hard to believe, since Mousse had been chasing me since childhood. He had defeated many formidable enemies and had uplifted his status in our tribe; it's highly plausible that he's stronger than me. He can be viewed as a good catch. Some women might even look at me as a gracious hero, having granted a man's dream. It would seem like Mousse should thank me for marrying him, when in fact it's the other way around.

I sometimes wonder where I would be now if I didn't have his love. And why he loves me is still a mystery to me. So much time had been wasted because of my stubbornness and hollow pride. I have given my savior so much pain that not even the strongest man, or woman on earth can endure. Mousse is truly a strong man, way stronger than me. He became strong for me. He can kill me in a second if he willed it. But he never wanted to hurt me so he failed over and over again. Yet on that day, that fateful day when we fought, physically, for the last time, I felt his strength. His effort was enough for me to give up. I feared him; his aura was burning harshly like some warrior god. Strong as he seemed, I felt a certain gentleness in his strikes. Such control takes years, much training to master. All it took him was his inherent strength and love for me. I guess this was what our elders thought of when they made the Amazon laws. This was what true strength meant. We soon got married after that incident. We went back home to China, and lived on my old home when I was still a child, but now that I am of the right age, it became officially our property – my husband's and mine. In those months, I was still getting over the fact that everything was over, the chase for Ranma, the scheming, and the fighting. It was sad how I have adjusted to a certain pattern for quite a long time only to break away from it and start anew. I was a married Amazon woman now; I was no longer the haughty brat. Of all the changes that have happened in my life however, the idea of having a lifelong partner, a mate, a husband was the one that was hardest to adapt to. Then I started to realize how much I had missed. I was still young, not even in my twenties yet but there I was, having new responsibilities and a different lifestyle. I couldn't do the things my other friends are still doing. I couldn't do the things I had dreamt of doing when I was a child. Though most of my generation is already married, I still felt lacking. It was because I was far from home for so long, in an unsuccessful quest. Sure life in Nerima was fun and unforgettable but … things were not the same. Added to that was the pressure to be a good wife. I often looked at Mousse quietly from the corner of my eyes as he did his chores so well like he had been doing it for years. My peers often envied me for having such a dutiful husband. I didn't have to tell him what I wanted or needed; he just works and does everything in his own little way. I just knew it. I wasn't ready for marriage. I was at a loss on how to do things. I didn't know how to act, how to speak, how to feel. I didn't know if I should do this or that. I wanted to do so many things and yet I couldn't even do the things I was supposed to do. But most of all, I didn't know how to love. I had no idea how to return the love and affection my husband has been showering me with. I didn't know how to treat him, after I abused him for such a long long time. I even forgot how to be his friend. All these anxieties pressed down on me. I just had to escape. I was a horrible wife. I was away often, enjoying myself like a crazy delinquent. I went on secret rendezvous with my friends, drank things I almost cannot tolerate, as my husband stayed at home, performing his husbandly duties. I was out there seeking heaven as my husband burned in hell. The few moments we spent together were tense and cold. I rarely gave him praise for all that he has done. I would even sometimes insult him - hurt him in my haze. Not being able to know how to love him caused me to hate him, or at least make him feel that way. Yet he never complained, never uttered a word of resentment. He always complied with what I wanted. We didn't even share a single intimate moment together – he never forced me to.

One day however, I had tested his patience too much. He had reached his breaking point. I went out on a hunting trip with my friends, and some of their acquaintances, off to the nearby village. I was having so much fun that I purposely forgot about time. I went home before dawn, several days after. I didn't expect him to be there, waiting for me at that hour, but he was there, sitting dejectedly at our house's front steps. He was wearing his thick glasses yet I can still see his swollen eyes and the deep dark lines under them and his slumped shoulders were shivering slightly from the cold. It hit me so hard that I stared at him, dumbfounded, for a while. His eyes looked up to see me, and I saw fire burning in his eyes. He quickly grabbed my shoulders almost violently and I felt such an enormous strength not even close to anything I have felt before. I didn't even have time to feel fear when his mouth closed down on mine, letting me feel his wrath in the worst yet most unexpected way. For the first time, I felt the intense power he had over me. The feeling was inexplicable for a thousand emotions surged through my whole being at that moment. Yet at one point, fear was the strongest emotion of all and I had to break away. I ran inside the house when I got the opportunity, locked my room's door as I tried to calm my speeding heart. I looked at my reflection at the mirror, touched my partly swollen lips and it dawned on me how much I had hurt him. I am a monster;

I didn't deserve to live. I didn't deserve his love. I had to stop before… Enough is enough. I felt so much shame. I didn't even know how to face him anymore. He did nothing but to please me, yet all I did was cause him pain. I had to leave my selfish ways. I was now his wife, and that's what I should be. I no longer have to live for myself alone, I have to live for him too. I woke up the next day to realize that he was not there. I broke down and cried when I thought that he had left me, but then he came back after a while – it was the biggest relief I've had in my life. Yet he started to be cold and distant. It was as if he started drifting away from me. I rarely saw him, or even had the opportunity to talk to him. He was often not home, and I had a lot of affairs I had to attend to. I often thought of ways to please him yet my ideas soon disappeared whenever I saw his unflappable expression, so far from the lively demeanor he always had. He never smiled, and seemed to be almost frowning. Oh ancestors… did it finally happen? Did he stop loving me? I was devastated for days. I cried for countless of hours before I slept as these thoughts crossed my mind. I destroyed him. What have I done? I later on learned that he was tending my father's farm, as an act of escape maybe? He often missed his meals, and he looked fatigued whenever I saw him. I wanted to cry to him…Mousse… stop… you have to stop. Stop killing yourself! One night I decided to do just that. I asked him to go to my room. I had to tell him everything once and for all; I had to tell him how sorry I was … how much… I waited. Minutes turned into hours and he still wasn't there. Maybe he didn't want to see me… Maybe he resented me. I walked silently to his room. I had to apologize to him that night. I knocked at his door and after five tries without a reply; I finally decided to go in. There he was, half naked and half dressed with half of his body draped down in his small bed. He was snoring lightly and I couldn't help myself from touching his serene face. I knelt down beside him to look at him more closely. He was probably so tired that he fell asleep. I touched his unclothed back and felt the deep scars he had through my fingertips. He probably had more, and I probably made most of them. I felt so much guilt for marring his almost angelic image. Tears started to trickle down my cheeks as I whispered my heartfelt apology to him. And then I succumbed to the temptation I cannot resist… I touched his slightly parted lips with mine and felt something inexplicable in my heart. I … I loved him. The feeling was so deep I had to run away again… For days I couldn't look at him straight in the eye. Foolish as it may seem, I felt like I crossed the line for the latest addition to my list of offenses against Mousse was taking advantage of him in a very intimate way. My feelings for him were so tender that I… I actually felt shy over him… though I knew it seemed uncharacteristic for me to do so. The feeling I got whenever he was near was far from what I have felt for Ranma. I simply cannot explain it. I thought of him during daytime, I dreamt of him during the night. I realized that I've loved him all along, yet I only admitted it to myself now. Sure, I didn't know how to love, but now I know how it truly feels like. Maybe before I had loved him as a dear friend but through the countless moments I have spent with him, I fell in love with him completely – as a wife loves her husband.

Oh Mousse, my love, my husband… where are you know? Please tell me. Oh ancestors, help me find him. I can feel my heart beating madly in my chest. Mousse; don't leave me… especially now that I haven't even told you that I love you so much. I'm so stupid. I have wasted so much time; I have caused you so much pain. I swear to you that I'll spend the rest of my lifetime paying for that mistake, and cherishing the love that you gave me. I'll make it up to you… I'll be the best wife that you could ever have.

Please tell me where you are… let me hear your voice once more… I'd give away my very life just to hear your voice right now, to hear you say those three precious words one more time … no for all eternity that we'll spend together from now on… Mousse… please… Mousse…

Don't go… I love you…

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Author's notes: Yes… that was the utterly confusing and extremely mushy continuation of the fic I didn't intentionally want to continue. But well, yeah, being a fan myself, it seemed so… incomplete.

Thank you to all my very kind reviewers!! You were part of the reason why I continued it. Also, I want to thank you for making suggestions and other things that helped me in creating and editing this fic (like Preventer Squall and Gside.) And oh yeah, I forgot to mention that my other fics (4 of them if I'm not mistaken, the 5th and unfinished one is in the message board) are actually in the M/S fanfiction Archive… under my real name. So there. Bye-bye!! Thanks again!!