Life Without Hope

by xMoonDropx

Why would you love me? I'm a monster. And a freak, now that you know about the whole cutting thing. No one loves a freak, Remus said, tears silently leaking out of his eyes.

Life without Hope.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I swear it.

Remus Lupin sat by one of the bay windows in the Gryffindor Common Room. He was wearing an oversized black hoodie with the hood pulled tightly over his head. His light brown hair would fall into his face periodically and Remus would quickly sneak one of his pale hands out to push the unruly hair behind his ear. Remus reached up again and pulled the black hood further over his head, obscuring his face from view. He sighed and watched as his breath fogged up the pane of glass. Sitting in the corner of the bay window's seat and dressed all in black, Remus was a part of the shadows. As long as he sat as still as possible, no one would realize Remus Lupin was even in the room. They may see a flash of pale skin while he was playing with his hood or hair but by the time they looked over, it would be all black once again. Remus J. Lupin was in hiding. Hiding from love.

Sirius Black was a puzzle wrapped in mystery. Those closet to him would classify him as an enigma. No one could tell how he would react to anything and many tried to just avoid upsetting him. At the moment he was in the Sixth Year boys' dormitory, lying on his bed. This was a common position for Sirius because it was how he thought. And at the moment, his thoughts were focused on one Remus Lupin. Sometimes Sirius believed that his secret was worse than Remus'. Because isn't worse to be in love with your best friend than to be a werewolf?

Remus finally became bored with the stars and the moon and decided to go upstairs. He quickly slipped off of the window seat and darted up to the dorm, sticking to the shadows. He reached the dormitory door and slowly opened it and slipped inside. He let the door creak shut and crept to his bed.

Sirius sat up on his bed and looked over at the doorway. There was no one there. He heard a rustle over by his right and looked. The curtains surrounding Remus' bed were swaying. Sirius got up and walked over.

"Remus? Are you okay?"

"Sirius? I thought you, James, and Peter were at the library," Remus said, opening the curtains around his bed.

"No. I decided to stay up here."

"You've been alone the whole time?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"I should've kept you company."

"It's alright. I was just thinking."

"If you're sure... I'm going to go to bed then."

"Alright. Love you, Remy," Sirius whispered.

"What?"

"Nothing. Night."

"Good night, Sirius."

Remus was in bed, having just finished his shower. His hair was still damp, curling around the edges. It was an hour after he and Sirius had chatted and yet Sirius' words were clearly ringing in his ears. "Love you, Remy." The boys never told each other that they loved one another. It was an unspoken law that their feelings would not be discussed. Remus shook his head to clear it of his thoughts and then reached under his pillow. His hand groped under it for a few seconds before it finally grasped a small, gray box. He slid the box out and held it close to his face. With his left hand he reached for his wand and muttered "Lumos."

Remus put the wand down beside his legs, having the light point up towards him. He opened the gray box and drew out a thin razor blade and smiled. Remus held out his right arm and started to slash at his wrist. In the matter of a minute, there were five, thin, long lines going down his arm. One was right on top of his vein and bleeding steadily. The other four cuts were bleeding but the blood was creating small pools on his arm and threatening to fall on his sheets. Remus reached under the pillow and grabbed a green bandana and quickly tied it around his wrist. Then he put the gray box under his pillow, grabbed his wand while muttering "Nox," and went to sleep.

The next morning Sirius woke up and looked over at Remus' bed while yawning. The curtains were still drawn around his bed, which was odd, because Remus was usually first up. Another odd thing was that the hand hanging out of the curtains was tied in a bloody bandana.

When Remus woke up the dorm was empty. The curtains around his bed were open and the sunlight was streaming in. Remus blinked in confusion, he knew he had left the curtains closed when he went to bed. Remus looked around while yawning and spotted a note on his bedside table.

Moony,

Prongs and Wormtail will find out your problem is you're not careful. Don't worry, they won't find out from me. Just don't kill yourself, all right? I'd miss you if you were dead. If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.

-Padfoot

Sirius was sitting down by the lake, Remus' bloody bandana in hand. He had dipped it in the lake a few times but it was still stained with blood. Sirius let the bandana fall to the ground, buried his head in his hands, and sighed. Why was life one big complication after another?

Remus was in a panic. How had Sirius found out? He was still sitting in bed but he had drawn the curtains back around it. Tears were silently streaming down his face; no one was supposed to know. It was supposed to be his little secret, his way of coping with the world. It was then he noticed that the green bandana was missing.

With his back against a weeping willow, Sirius fell asleep. It was a warm Saturday in early October and the sunlight slipping through the leaves of the trees was enough to make Sirius sleepy. In sleep, Sirius could escape all his problems. He wasn't ready to deal with Remus' new habit and how Remus would react to Sirius' newfound knowledge.

Remus silently walked down to the lake. He once again had his black hoodie on, although he had the sleeves rolled up. The hood was pulled over his head and his hands were buried in his pockets. Remus knew that besides his bed in the dormitory, Sirius' other place to go and think was the weeping willow by the lake. Remus' intuition was proved right when he reached the tree and found Sirius napping by the trunk. Sirius had turned on his side and was clutching the bandana tightly in his hands. Remus sat down next to Sirius and patiently waited for the boy to wake up.

Sirius' onyx eyes slowly opened as he snuggled further into the warmth next to him. As the sleepy fog slowly cleared from his mind, Sirius remembered that he had fallen asleep outside and that there should be nothing warm next to him. As this thought registered in his mind, Sirius bolted up and looked next to him. There, sitting in a black hoodie was Remus, sorrow clearly evident in his eyes.

"Remus? Why are you here?"

"I know you hate me, Sirius."

"Rem, why would I hate you?"

"I'm a disappointment."

"I would never think of you as a disappointment. I don't know why you cut, and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But never think that I think of you as a disappointment. I do not hate you. You're my best friend and I love you, alright?"

Remus' eyes filled with tears as he jumped Sirius in a hug. "You're not supposed to like me anymore."

"Just like I wasn't supposed to like you anymore when me, James and Peter found out that you're a werewolf?"

"Yes! Exactly like that!"

"Moony, as soon as we found out, we decided to learn illegal magic. Now, I can't do something like that with this secret, but I will always be here for you to talk to and try to try and keep you from feeling that you have to cut. And if you keep hugging me so hard, I will die from lack of oxygen."

Remus blushed and loosened his hug on Sirius. "Thank you, Sirius. You don't know how much this means to me."

Sirius finally started to return Remus' hug. A small smile graced his face as he thought of the amount of trust Remus was placing in him.

"Hey, Remus, why did you start cutting?"

"I can't tell you that yet. I'll tell you when I'm ready, though. It's just, it involves another secret of mine that I don't feel comfortable revealing yet."

"It's alright. We all have secrets. And we all take time in letting others know."

"I will tell you and I promise to come and talk to you when I need to."

"Awesome. And if you move just a little bit, I can give you bandana back."

Remus blushed and relinquished his hold on Sirius. Sirius got up and looked on the ground before spotting the bandana. He picked it up and then handed it to Remus.

"I dipped it in the lake a few times and got some of the blood out. It's really stained though."

"Why did you take it in the first place?"

"When I woke up your arm was hanging out of your curtains. The green was very noticeable and I knew that if James and Peter saw it they would be curious. So I untied the bandana and left your arm out."

"Oh. Thanks. I'm glad they didn't find out. I don't think they'd be as understanding as you."

"Well, duh, Remy. They're blockheads. Besides, they have a lot of problems understanding why others lives aren't peachy."

"They're not blockheads. They're dunderheads."

"Ah, my dear Remus, you make a very good point."

Sirius and Remus stayed out by the lake all afternoon. They had both settled with their backs against the tree and eventually were lulled to sleep by the sun's warmth. Sirius woke before Remus did to find out that he could not move. Remus had made a pillow of him. Remus' head was in Sirius' lap and the rest of his body was curled around Sirius'. Sirius lightly chuckled then placed a gentle kiss on Remus' forehead.

Remus stirred slightly and moved closer to the warmth next to him. He heard a chuckle and opened his eyes to see Sirius' face.

"Sirius? Why are you here?"

"Because we fell asleep out here and you decided to use me as a pillow."

"Oh! I'm so sorry!"

"What for?"

"I've kept you out here for so long."

"Oi. Remus, you could have slept till midnight and I would have stayed out here with you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Thanks, Sirius."

"Welcome, Remus. Did you know your hair is really soft?"

"Um... alright. You're really weird."

"Hey! Don't insult your pillow! I can leap up and let your head just fall on the ground."

"Yes, but you won't because you love me too much."

"Perhaps. Perhaps not."

"Sirius?"

"Yes, Moony?"

"What's your secret?"

"My secret?"

"When we were talking earlier you mentioned how we all have secrets that we take time in letting others know and just the way you said it made me think that you have a secret. I'm don't know. I'm probably being stupid, like usual. I'm sorry."

"You're not being stupid. There's nothing you need to apologize about. I do have a secret."

"Really?"

"Yes, Remus, you see, the thing is, I'm well... That is, um... I'm gay."

Remus blinked up at Sirius for a minute before comprehension dawned in his eyes. "Are you really?"

"Yes."

Remus started to laugh uncontrollably which caused Sirius to turn an interesting shade of red. He stood up, forgetting Remus' head was still in his lap, and started running back up to the castle. Remus' head thudded onto the ground and he abruptly stopped laughing. Rubbing the back of his head, he got up and shot after Sirius.

"Padfoot! Wait up! Sirius! Come on! Wait for me!"

Sirius was crying. No one could tell but him because he was running so fast, but he was crying. Why had he ever told Remus his secret? At least when Remus didn't know that was a sliver of hope that Sirius would have a chance with him. But now there was none. Life without hope was a very sad thing Sirius reflected. Sirius had now made it inside the castle and was fast on his way to the tower. He heard Remus shouting behind him and that made him run even faster.

Remus cursed himself for his stupidity. He knew Sirius was a very emotional person and it upset him more than anyone else to be laughed at when admitting his biggest secret. The hood had fallen off of his head and was flapping behind him. The sleeves had fallen down and his arms were now completely covered.

Sirius had made it to the tower and was finally in the dormitory. He gasped for breath while crying and started to choke on his tears. A few moments later he had his breathing problems under control and started pacing the room. He was thinking of Remus' response when the door flung open. There stood Remus, panting for breath and looking pleadingly at Sirius.

"What do you want? Have you come to laugh at me some more?"

"Sirius, it's not what you think. I shouldn't have laughed, but just listen to me. Please!"

"Why should I listen to you? Just go and leave me alone!" Sirius grabbed Remus around the wrist and began to pull him out of the dorm.

Remus screamed bloody murder as Sirius' grasp around his wrist tightened. The scream made Sirius pause in dragging Remus and he turned to look at him. Tears were glittering in Remus' eyes and a small whimper escaped his mouth. The hand holding onto Remus began to feel damp and Sirius took it off the wrist to glance at it. There were spots of blood all over his hand.

"Remus, you're bleeding."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"It's not you who should be sorry. Did I pull your cuts open or something?"

"I think. And I should be sorry. I laughed at you for telling me your secret. It's just, well, you see, I'm gay too. And that's part of the reason I cut and why I couldn't tell you why I started cutting in the first place."

Sirius gaped at Remus. "You're gay?"

"Yes."

"Woah. I didn't see that coming."

"Yes, well, it's true."

"And that's why you laughed?"

"Sort of. I mean, it was amusing because that was the secret I couldn't tell you. And you just let it come out. Yes, you did babble a bit and stuttered and everything, but you still told me. And I didn't know you trusted me that much."

"Well, you did display great trust in me by just coming to find me when you woke up this morning. You could have just ignored the whole thing and lead me to believe that there really was nothing wrong."

"That thought never even crossed my mind. I realize that you and James are the absolute definition of best friends, but out of the group, you're the only one who has directly confronted me about anything. I mean, you're the one who told me you guys knew I'm a werewolf, you told me about the animagus thing, you helped me the best you could this morning. And you really are my best friend. Sirius, I could survive if James and Peter stopped being my friends. But if you hated me, I'd die.

Remus blushed hotly after his little speech to Sirius. Sirius chuckled at the blush and then looked Remus directly in the eyes.

"Think you could handle one more secret?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Remus Lupin, I love you."

Remus blinked stupidly at Sirius. "W--- What?"

"I. Love. You. If you stopped being my friend, I would die. Which would be quite tragic because James would kill himself and then Lily'd kill herself and Peter'd flunk out of school because he'd have to do all his homework by himself. And poor Snape would have no one to torment him and basically the whole world would end."

"Why would you love me? I'm a monster. And a freak, now that you know about the whole cutting thing. No one loves a freak," Remus said, tears silently leaking out of his eyes.

"You are not a monster. And you most certainly are not a freak. If you were either of those, you'd be locked up in a cage this very moment at some circus with a thousand people pointing and laughing at you. And none of those things are happening at this moment."

"Sirius, I understand. You're just trying to upset your mother even more. She would not be able to handle having a gay son who was dating a werewolf. But you're living with James now. You don't have to try and piss her off anymore. She's out of your life."

"Remus, I'm not trying to upset my mother. I haven't even thought about her since I moved in with James over the summer. I'm not lying. I really do love you. I have no reason to lie about this."

"But why?"

"Because you make me smile. You help everyone out, even stupid Snape. You scold us about our pranks and then tell us how to make them even better. Because you're you."

Remus launched himself into Sirius' arms. "That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me."

Sirius chuckled at Remus before wrapping his arms strongly around the smaller boy.

"You're always laughing at me."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Hey, I have a better idea than us arguing."

"What's that?"

Sirius lowered his head so he was looking directly at Remus. The two boys' eyes connected and Remus closed the gap between their lips. The kiss was only a five-second affair, but to the two who shared it, that kiss went on for eternity. Sirius slowly pulled back and looked Remus in the eyes.

"Hi."

"'Ello, Sirius."

"That was nice, wasn't it?"

"Very nice. So nice, I think we should do it again."

Their lips were about to meet for the second time when the door burst open and James and Peter came tumbling in.

"Pay up, Peter. I told you they spent the day snogging."

Remus glared at James. "We did not spend the day snogging, thank you very much."

"Right, and I'm the Minister of Magic," said James.

Sirius turned to face James while slipping his right hand into Remus'. "Are you really mate? Well, that's bloody awesome for you. Now, if you and Peter don't mind, me and Remus still have some talking to do."

"Alright. Come on, James. Let's leave theses two alone so they can talk before dinner starts."

Peter and James were about to leave the room when Remus called out to them. "Are you two okay with me and Sirius?"

"Of course we are, Remus," James replied. "We've been waiting for you two to figure it out forever, though. You were both so dense."

And with that, James and Peter were out of the room. Remus was blushing from James' comment and Sirius was once again laughing at him.

"See, I told you that you were always laughing at me. And here you are, proving my point once again."

"Remus, if you only knew how cute and funny you looked when you blushed, you would laugh to."

"Would not."

"Would too."

"Would not."

"Hey, remember how this ended the last time?"

"Yeah."

"Want a repeat of that?"

"That would be nice."

Sirius finally pulled himself away from Remus' lips. Remus opened his eyes and blinked confusingly at Sirius.

"Why'd you stop?"

"I have a question to ask."

"Yes?"

"Would you do me the honor of being my boyfriend?"

"Well, I don't know. You are known to be quite the ladies man and there are a ton of ladies in this school who would kill me if I ruined that reputation. Hell, they'd all kill me just for taking you off the market. And sometimes you smell funky and I have a highly sensitive nose. I always hear you snoring at night too, that's another point against you. And you are prettier than I am and we can't have that now can we?

"Remus Lupin, if you do not stop joking around and say yes, I will go and slit my wrists."

"No fair! That's my job in the relationship."

"Don't joke about that."

"I'm not joking. And shouldn't you be celebrating since I just said that we have a relationship which means that I want to be your boyfriend?"

"Well, yes, I am completely overjoyed that you do want to be my boyfriend, but, Remus, don't slit your wrists. I mean, I know I can't stop you from cutting right now, but if you completely slit your wrists, you'll die. No more Remus. And I couldn't handle that."

Remus laughed at Sirius. "I'm not going to do that, you stupid idiot. I don't have a reason to cut right now. You saved me and I won't go back to that habit for a long time. Well, at least I don't plan to go back to it. Right now I have you and I don't need anything else."

End.