Chapter 13

I said, "Why damn it…why can't you just talk to me…" Mark said, "Did you ever think maybe I don't want to…" I said, "I really don't give a shit if you want to talk or not…I need you to talk to me…damn it…" Mark said, "Too bad…"

And started to push past me when I really had it then…and I pushed as hard as I could against his chest and said, "NO! God Damn it Mark…NO!…Why can't you just talk to me…why is it so fucking hard for you to talk to me…I'm your wife…I love you…I've loved you since the first day I meet you and you know that…but yet we can't talk…I could stand here and tell you anything you wanted to know…anything…but you can't give me legitimate reason as to why you don't want to have a baby with me…"

I had finally gotten so frustrated with him I had tears sliding down my cheeks…and said, "I'm so frustrated with you Mark…Don't you get it…we've had the same conversation for the last 2 months…and I'm starting to make myself mentally insane…Why is it so hard for you to just stand there and tell me everything…everything you're feeling, thinking, wanting, needing…what ever…but at least fucking tell me…I can't do anything or help you if you don't at least tell me…"

Mark said, "I don't have to talk to you about shit…" I said, "Why do you insist on doing this to me? You're making me fucking crazy Mark…I'm so in love with you…you're a stubborn ass…and I wish you would just tell me…you're killing me and you can't even see it…I quit…I can't do this anymore…I'm so outta here…I'm not going to be in this marriage alone anymore Mark…if you can't talk to me…then I can't and won't be married to you anymore…" I started to walk around Mark to leave the room…when he grabbed my hand and said, "Where do you think you're going…You can't just leave."

I pulled my hand away from him as more tears slid down my cheeks and I said, "You don't get it do you?…I have this really great husband…who I love more then anything in my life…and who I love so much I'd do anything for…but he can't even talk to me about anything…I don't understand why it's so hard for him to talk to me…I'd think out of everyone in his life…his wife would be the easiest person he could talk to…Why are you doing this to me Mark…why did you stop me from leaving, cause isn't that what you want? Isn't it? For me to just walk out of your life and let it go back to the way it was before you met me…Wouldn't it just be easier on you if I disappeared…you wouldn't have to mess with my crying…or questions and you wouldn't have to talk to me…you could go on about your day to day things of just keeping shit pent up until you get to your match and unleash it on some poor unsuspecting kid in the ring…"

I continued, "Sometimes I can't figure out why you even asked me to marry you…you know whether you did it because it's what I wanted to hear…or because you actually wanted to be married to me…I can't tell…because you don't talk to me…a marriage is for two people…I don't know about you…but I'm just barely here right now…I don't know how you could fully be there…"

I calmed down a little and heard someone sniffling and realized it wasn't me…I looked up and Mark had these huge tears rolling down his cheeks…Mark finally said, "I don't want to lose you…" Mark went down to his knees and wrapped his arms around my waist…and buried his face into my stomach…I said, "Mark…I'm not going anywhere if you don't want me to." Mark looked up and said, "No…I don't want to lose you…I just know if you get pregnant you're going to be taken away from me like Sara was…and I can not go through that kind of hurt and pain ever again in my life…"

I said, "Mark…Sara had an accident…that's all…it wasn't your fault…it wasn't her fault…and it wasn't even Paige's fault…it just happened…you can't change the past…you have to just move on and look at what's in front of you…You have a new beginning…you have a new wife…who loves everything about you…even your grouchy side…and your bad ass side…and your soft side like right now…I wouldn't change you for anything…At the end of the day when I crawl into bed next to you…you're still going to be that good ole Texas redneck Mark Callaway…and in the morning when I wake up…I'm still going to be your wife…and you're still going to be my husband."

I knelt down in front of Mark and said, "I love you…I don't want to love anyone else." Mark said, "I love you too…I'm so sorry Samantha..." I said, "Its okay Mark…I'll help you I promise…" Mark wrapped his arms around me tight and I buried my face in his chest…