Disclaimer: Erik's roses are red, punjabbed Raoul is blue, me no own, you no sue.
This is the chapter where we start the actual competition. But before that, we have intermission!
The authoress thanks the following people:
Beckswashere: Yes, I agree...I'm totally exploding the fluffiness out of proportion though to make a satire! o
Music Angel no. 24601: Sure! This chick did: http/trisste.tr.ohost.de/crickets/
MasqueradingThroughLife: Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you :gasp faint:
torch baby: Yep. I have a buncha of VeggieTales/Dogma fics out there to testify for me. And yes, people ALWAYS should read the book first! In its original language if possible. Believe me: Erik is hotter in FRENCH :drools:
VagrantCandy: Here's my dirty little secret----so am I. And here's how it works outside ALW: Erik de Castelot-Barbezac. And I was an Erik x Meg phan really since I read the book, simply because Meg is so much...better! for Erik in my opinion. Of course, I'll try to remain objective...
eriksangelofvoice: I'd throw Raoul out, but he essential to my intended effect. Curses. And I'm an RC shipper too, despite my hatred for both of them...
SimplyElymas: You are? Oh...I was hoping you had pressed the N key by mistake while reaching for the M one...Just to warn you: Nadir will be made fun of more, but in a nice way that will probably hurt the feelings of the ALW musical/movie version phans. Hint::ching: Masquerade!
And now back to your irregularly scheduled program:
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Erik x WHO?
Chapter 2: Gitta Alon' Littlah Doggehs!
In Which Carlotta Thankfully (?) Doesn't Sing and Raoul looks at Shiny Objects
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The contestants are readying themselves backstage as Erik and the other judges are playing Clue. Raoul is not included in this fun little activity because he has become preoccupied with 2 large, shiny objects in the back of the Creepy Lair of Music.
Raoul: Oooohh, I can see myself!
Nadir comes up from behind him.
Nadir: Hey, Vicomte de Foppy.
Raoul: (is still entranced by shininess of the shiny things)
Nadir: Raoul...do you know what those are?
Raoul: ...Shiny?
As if he were playing Wack-A-Mole, he bonks Raoul on the head and proceeds to explain the significance of the shiny things.
Nadir: Raoul, these are cymbals.
Raoul: Symbols...of what?
Nadir: No, with a "c" Raoul. They're a musical instrument.
Raoul:...How do they work?
Nadir bangs the cymbals together loudly over Raoul's (empty) head. The sounds echoes through the hallow space.
Raoul: O--oo-goog-goog-ooofo--goo-oooh..
Fopbashers: YEEEAAAAAHHH!
Meanwhile, back at the judges box, the boys are finishing their game of Clue.
Richard: So the real murderer is...
Moncharmin: Erik
Richard: In the billiard room...
Both: With the rope.
Erik: I believe I win then, gentlemen...I think that's 70, 80 francs?
Richard rummages through his pockets muttering "Checkbook, where is that checkbook?" nervously, as Moncharmin decides to change the subject.
Moncharmin: Oh look who it is! Hello Vicomte, hello Nadir, hello...gong?
Indeed, Raoul and Nadir have returned, with a huge GONG.
KAY phans: Did you say BONG? Woohoo!
No, I said gong.
Nadir has also decidedly kept the cymbals of shininess, in which Raoul is admiring himself.
Nadir: We can gong the contestants now! Years from now this will be a famous custom!
Erik: That's not half-bad an idea..(pictures Raoul pinned beneath the gong as he bangs it with the stick)...hehehe
As all the judges return to their seats, B-B appears, ready for action. Please, anything, just some action. I beg you.
B-B: AHEM!
Sorry. Being your alter-ego is somewhat frustrating. Anyway, it was time for the competition to begin, with our first contestant: La Carlotta!
B-B: Good, but I'm the one who says...
Drum: (rolls)
B-B: LA CARLOTTA!
La Carlotta appears on stage wearing a cowgirl costume. And yes, it is the most hideous looking this you'll ever see, because it is pink.
Erik: OH DEAR GOD!
KAY phans: But you don't believe in God!
Erik: (looking at Carlotta)...Not now I don't...(prays) Please don't sing...
Carlotta: Fawra maia acta, I villa not be-ah singeeg!
Everyone: THANK GOD!
Carlotta: I-ah villa dance wish my-ah doggehs vile ee singsah!
Carlotta points to Reyer, who is holding an oligopoly (eight) of miniature poodles. His expression is, well...Think of the face you might have if you got an F on the George Orwell report you should've done instead of writing this phic. Yep, that's the look. Reyer was miserable.
Everyone: ...Or not.
Erik: My god, what is wrong with the management! Votre place est dans les chiffres, non les arts!
Reyer hands the poodles of ineptness over to the icredibly inept Carlotta. He then takes out an acordian.
Nadir: What the hell?
Raoul: It looks like a slinky..slinkies are shiny..
Erik: What did I ever do to deserve THIS?
Reyer begins to play "Get Along Little Dogies" as Carlotta leads the poodles across the stage.
Carlotta: Now you-ah sing!
Reyer: (sarcastically) If my diva commands... It's your misfortune and none of my own...
Richard: You can say that again.
Please note that as Reyer sings, Carlotta is attempting to do-si-do with her poodles. And failing. The poodles are lacking in brain cells, as they were inbred, and cannot function without being held. They're just sort-of sitting there, watching Carlotta improvise. One licks its butt.
Reyer: Yes soon, Oklahoma will be your new hoooooOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOoooome!
As the song finishes Carlotta strikes a "Daisy Duke" pose on stage as the poodles attempt to howl along with music. This doesn't work though, seeing as they are inept, and they end up just yapping incessantly through the last note.
Raoul: (opening his eyes) Is it over?
Erik: It has to be...I can't take it any longer!
B-B: So I take it you didn't enjoy the performance?
Erik: The only way I could've enjoyed that is if I were on some sort of mind-altering drug, like morphine..
Susan Kay phans: YEAH! MORPHINE! (trade needles) MORPHINE! YEAH!
ALW and Leroux phans: There is something very wrong with you people...
B-B: Anyway...It's time for the judges to give their scores. Rule: It must be a real, terminating number. Go!
Richard: 3...for Reyer's sake.
Moncharmin: 2.
Nadir & Raoul: 1.
Erik: How again is this a logical way to find me a mate?
B-B: It's phanphiction. I never ever mentionned using logic.
Erik: Okay...0.
B-B tallies up the points and gets her megaphone of loudness ready.
B-B: Can I get some sound fx?
Nadir: (GONG)
B-B: Carlotta's grand score is...7!
Carlotta: Iffa Piangi vera heer, I wooda hadda milliona!
Nadir: What happened to Piangi anyway?
At a hospital nearby..
Doctor J.: It's a..a..live turkey?
Nurse Lucy: What did this guy eat!
Piangi: (belch)
But that's not important. What's important is that round two was swiftly approaching, and everyone's sanity was slowly escaping. Surely Madame Giry's act vould be less...hellish. In the meantime, Raoul found something...interesting in Erik's lair.
Raoul: Look! It's Meg! And she's all teh sex on your Creepy Throne o' Music!
Erik: (unspeakable OOC)
Meg is lounging in practically see-through lace lingerie on Erik's throne, lit candles surrounding her.
Meg: Hello boys!
Suddenly, B-B bursts in and yanks her away by her hair.
Meg: Bye Bye Boy!
B-B: I'm shipping you, all right--BACKSTAGE!
Meg: No, I promise I'll be good and not fluffy!
B-B: You need to practice for your act anyway..
Meg: (thinks) True...
As everyone readied themselves for Act 2, Erik observes his throne o' music.
Erik: Hmmm...
The chair seems to beckon him..
Erik: (sits) hhmmm...fluffy...
B-B: Erik? What are you doing?
Erik: NOTHING!
Erik raced back to his seat as the second act began...
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Authoress' notes:
Meg in the lair: This picture exists. Type "Jennifer Ellison" in a google image search...but beware, she's sort-of the Britney Spears of the UK, so some of the pics are kinda--yeah... I just though it was hilarious how it looked like she was in Erik's Creepy Lair of Music! Look at the candelabras!
"Bye Bye Boy" is one of Ellison's singles. :-)
Reyer's cool. I like him.
In case you didn't notice, I tried to parody standard EC conventions, like intense fop-bashing, OOC, and psycho Raoul.
Madame Giry will be next, followed by Meg, then...you'll have to wait and see!
Hints:
M.Giry: Deserves a lot of tat for what she's got to give.
Meg: Her merits have been argued through history.
B-B: Flaunts it!
Raoul: Looks like a lady.
Nadir: Monkeys around.
Hope you all enjoy, please review!