Disclaimer: If owned the Phantom, I hug him in the evening, I'd hug in the morning, all over his lair! But I don't own him, so I'll settle for my poorly made plushy version of him. Curses.
The last chapter was okay, but these next chapters will hopefully be better...And a note before we begin. A lot of people I've talked to have said I'm not counting the GOOD pairing phics out there. Yes I know, all EM isn't fluffy or all EC phics are a plothole waiting to happen. But MOST are. So I'm here to make fun of the MAJORITY, not isolate the little guy. I'm not saying all the phics of these sorts are THIS bad, just MOST of them.
"Maman" is French for "mama"
And now to the replies to the reviewers!
The authoress thanks the following people:
VagrantCandy: Ya think? She only seemed really scared of him in the ALW version, not Leroux. She was sort of intoxicated by him, if you will. Yes, it would be hard. That's why Meg's gonna do the sexy dance! Yeah, sexy dance!...I mean (changes subject) As for the Kay Erik is an atheist thing, most if not all the Kay-based stories I've read include some form of Erik's resentment towards God in them. Thus the lines I have the Kay phans and Erik exchange are to parody that concept. But who's to say it's Kay Erik yet? (hahaha!)
MarikRules: You're the good kind of ALW phan. You see the show, wonder about the book, and actually start to read it with the intent of understanding it. I respect you. And yes, Marik rules.
torch baby: We'll have more fun with French later on! Nadir fun with French!
MasqueradingThroughLife: (dies from thanking too much)
Reltistic: It was random? Really? Uh oh...I wasn't attempting to make it random, just constructively spontaneous. Yes, that's an oxymoron, but oh well. And enjoy Leroux. See it touch it smell it kiss it!
Raine K. Grayson: I don't think I'm "purely" anything...But yes, you deserve your drug addicted recognition! You are, quite literally, the needle in Erik's haystack.
the Unrequited Lover: Not as scary as what's about to happen...And I HAVE read decent stories, but the authors were still always worried about how much fluff to put in, or if they had too little fluff (they had too much, in my opinion)..and there are a lot of fluffly EC stories, but I think the EC phans got theirs enough already doncha think? (motions to La Cowgirl Carlotta) And remember, fluff is random sensual scenes added to keep the audience entralled. What I'm doing ins't fluff--it's hardcore sexual innuendo. And it's to make fun of the fluff. And look, we have people who are starting to read the book! Yeah (she and unrequitedlover dance around the happy pole of Lerouxness)! And Jennifer is the Britney of the UK! Yes, it's cool we thought the same words!
SimplyElymas: Thank you! Your reviews make me happy! And you guessed the hints! Huzzah. I have already planned some fun innuendo for Erik and Nadir, don't you E/N phans worry! It will be VERY amusing. :-)
And now back to your irregularly scheduled program:
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Erik x WHO?
Chapter 3: Ven Yeer Good to Maman
In Which Madame Giry Struts Her Stuff and Erik Has To See a Therapist
--
The judges are now seated and awaiting Madame Giry's act. Moncharmin, Richard, Raoul, Nadir---well, at this point, everyone is avoiding Erik. Erik actually appreciates this, as he is having a rather difficult time with his anger at the moment.
Erik (to himself) Think happy, non-memory-inducing thoughts...(thinks) Raoul dead, Real impaled, Raoul publicly humiliated, Nadir chained up in my be--err...coffin...
Moncharmin: (from a distance, nervously) I say, Monsieur le Fantome, what are you pondering?
Erik: (thinking aloud) Meg naked, Authoress censored by government, (loudly) Managers publicy criticized over blatant homosexual relationship...
Richard and Moncharmin: NEVERMIND.
Raoul: Nadir, in the last chapter, I felt OOC..Why do I have these feelings?
Nadir: (blink) You were OOC? Oh, sorry, I couldn't tell the difference.
Raoul: Well, she made me look psycho and foppy. I'm not psycho, am I?
Nadir: No..(gives him a hug)
Raoul: Thanks,Nadir.
Nadir: ...You're too stupid to be psycho.
As they finish their hug, Raoul walks away with a large piece of paper on his back that reads: "I'm wearing Christine's panties!"
Nadir: Life is good.
Just then, B-B appears onstage with a jazz band.
B-B: Are you ready! 5 6 7 8!
The band starts up as Madame Giry walks on stage. A slow piano intro begins.
B-B: And now Ladies (motions to Raoul) and Gentlemen!
Raoul: (gasp) AH!
B-B: (snicker) The keeper of the keys : to every room in the Opera, The hostess of the clink, the attendant of box number five, Maman Madame Giry!
Madame Giry:
Ask any of ze little ballet rats
Z'ell tell yu ahm ze biggest piece of---
Audience: (saucer-eyed)
Madame Giry: Class.
Audience: (sigh of relief)
Madame Giry:
I'm always trutteful and never get fired by zee managers
Cause ze systeme vorks ze systeme called...
FALLING CHANDELIERSSSSS!
Erik: (nervously) ...Huh?
Madame Giry begins to strut seductively around the stage as swing music begins to play. She's doing innapropiate things with her cane. The entire viewing audience is too horrified and shocked to speak. Meg hears what's going on from backstage.
Meg: (hands over her ears) MARY had a LITTLE LAMB!
Madame Giry continues to sing as Erik sinks deeper and deeper into his chair with agony. How I wish I were agony...
Madame Giry:
Gott a little motto
Alvays sees me zru
Ven yeer good to Maman
ERIK's good to you!
Everyone: WHAT?
Erik: I did that because you handled the whole Phantom thing so well, not cause I'm in love with you or something, woman! You were like a mother to me!
E M.Giry phans: THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE HER! SHE'S THE MOTHER YOU NEVER HAD!
B-B: I haven't read a lot of M.Giry x Erik phics (mostly because there aren't a lot), but I have read Euripides. And this is a Greek tragedy waiting to happen. Besides, who's mother dances like that?
Moncharmin, Richard, Raoul, and Erik: Not mine.
Nadir is silent. Everyone turns to him.
Nadir: Well, my mother once bellyd--LOOK A BIRD!
The rest decide to ignore him. Madame giry continues to sing.
Madame Giry:
Zere's a lotta favors he ees prepared to do..
You do von pour Erik, he von't punjab you!
B-B: Well, that's true.
Moncharmin and Richard: WE KNOW.
Erik: Yes, but M. Bucket had it coming.
B-B: Bouquet.
Erik: Whatever.
Madame Giry:
Zey say to keep 'and at eye level, und to zat I adhere..
So I deserve some PUNJAB!
(she makes a thrusting motion with her cane)
Pour ce que je peux lui offrir!
Richard: B-B, what did she just say?
B-B: You don't want to know...(she said "for what I have to offer him")
Nadir: PUNJAB is a place in Persia, not a sexual sound!
Raoul: It does sound sort-of thrust-y...Like "I want you to come here and PUNJAB me!"
There is a long silence. Erik smiles and holds his lasso.
Erik: You really are stupid.
Madame Giry:
Don't oo know zis black glove vashes zat von too?
Ven yeer good to Maman, ERIK's good to you!
(she begins to strut her stuff all over the stage as the sexy swing music plays)
B-B: Erik?
Erik: (with his head buried in his hands) Mmph?
B-B: Do feel any urges to gouge out your eyes?
Erik: (muffled through sobs) MMPH!
B-B: I thought so...
Madame Giry:
If you vant his favor, be an ingenue..
Belt it out pour Maman, Erik vill sing pour vous!
(As she sings this line, she takes out a scarf and runs it up her body)
Raoul: That's Christine's!
B-B: Like the underwear you have on?
Raoul: (ignores her)
Madame Giry: (flings it into ze lake)
Raoul: NO! I'll save you scarffy!
Raoul jumps in the lake and rescues the scarf. Leroux phangirls laugh at him. Well, everyone laughs at him. Even a few RC phans. Madame Giry continues her ditty...
Madame Giry:
Ven he asks pour his salary, contribute like ve do,
You put in pour Erik, he von't ruin you!
Richard and Moncharmin: WE KNOW.
Madame Giry:
Ze folks atop ze Opera
Are ze vons ze vorld adores..
So boost me up my Apollo's Lyre,
und I'll boost you up yours!
Garnier: Stop all this rough-housing on my Opera House's architectural sculptures! (sobs and returns to the non-phic world)
Erik: (still muffled) If I can recall, that was an unhappy scene!
Raoul: That's when I kissed Christine for like an hour while you froze your balls off in the cold!
Erik: (clenching fists) MMMMMMPPPHHHHH!
Madame Giry:
Let's all ship together, Webber,Kay, and Leroux!
Ven yeer shipping Maman, Erik can love ME too!
So vat's ze von conclusion I could bring zis box numbah five too?
Ven yeer good to Maman...
ERIK's GOOD toooo YOOUUUUUUUU!
Ah, YEES!
Audience: (dead silence)
Madame Giry: Vat did oo zink!
Audience: ...
Even the dread crickets of doom silent. Meg peaks her head out from behind the curtain.
Meg: I HAVE NO MOTHER! (sobs)
B-B: Meg, why don't you just get ready for your act, kay?
Meg: (from behind the crutain, through muffled sobs) MMPH!
Everyone's attention turns to Erik, who has abandoned his judge's seat and is now over by his Dollhouse of Death.
B-B: Erik?
Erik: Yes?
B-B: How are you doing?
Erik: I don't know, you tell me. The love of my life just left me for the missing Hanson brother, my lair has been invaded by the people I loathe most in the world, and I have just been subjected to the torture of watching my last remaining mother figure defame herself on stage, how are you?
B-B: I'll just let you play with your dolls...Now, judges! Let's have her score!
Richard and Moncharmin: 5
Everyone looks at Richard and Moncharmin.
Richard: What!
Moncharmin: At least she did the song well!
Raoul: I'll give her a 3.
Nadir: Zero. HOW DARE YOU DESECRATE THE NAME OF PUNJAB!
B-B: Nadir, try not to hassle the contestants.
Nadir: Or what?
B-B: Or I'll put you in an Albert Camus fanfic.
Nadir: (shuts up)
B-B: Erik..?
Erik (from far away) I ABSTAIN.
B-B: Understood...
E M.Giry phans: He can't vote because he loves her! Aaaawww!
Erik: No, you idiots, I abstain because you've defiled the beauty of our relationship by turning it from maternal endearment into passionate romance! I DO NOT HAVE THE OEDIPUS COMPLEX!
Kay phans: Yes, you do.
Erik: Fine, but it doesn't apply here! (runs off to sob more and break things)
B-B: I wish my therapist were here...Erik, come back, we need you for Meg's act!
Nadir: "Need" him? Is he a prop or something?
A voice from backstage shouts "YES!"
Nadir: ...Nevermind.
B-B: Alright, Madame's score is 8. Which means she's a better match than Carlotta!
Erik nervously sits back down in his judge's seat. All the judges actually started to miss La Carlotta. She was horrible, but in a normal way. In a comic relief sort of way...
Nothing could possibly have prepared them for Meg's act...
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Authoress' notes:
This chapter made LOTS of references to Leroux and the play Oedipus Rex. The point was to show that the relationship between Madame Giry and Erik , especially in the Andrew Lloyd Webber version, is beautiful because it's NOT a romantic one. She takes pity on him and protects and cares for him like a son. I really hate these phics. Especially the whole "Erik is Meg's father" thing some of them do. Christine has the Electra complex, dears, not Meg...as far as I know, Meg doesn't have a complex at all..
Meg: Nope, I'm totally sane (hides knives)
Yes..of course. The Raoul/Scarf thing is from Leroux. The song is "When You're Good to Mama" from Chicago. Most, if not all the lyrics have been changed. And Garnier popped in for a visit! I have to due my book review on French architecture now!
In Susan Kay's novel, Erik is supposedly attracted to Christine because she reminds him of his mother. So, in Kay's version he has an Oedipus complex.
You have to be really smart to get the Camus joke. I just read " The Guest" for AP Lit.
I suggest reading a good deal of the fluffier Meg x Erik phics before reading the next chapter (once I get it up). Here's what to look for:
The phic begins with the end of "Past the Point of no Return" There's yeer sign.
Meg takes Erik's mask out out her pants/shirt/bodice/any-other-place-someone-who-didn't-study-late-18th-century-clothing-would-suggest.
Erik, for some unknown reason, will end up taking off Meg's clothes because she's wounded/wet/unconscious. Probably because she fell into the debris from the chandelier crash/ lake/ one of his traps.
Meg sings Think of Me or one of Marguerite's Arias from Faust and Erik loves her..Oh! I'm sorry. Strike that. That's E/OC!
Meg has Erik teach her to sing/dance so she can become Marguerite (which name-wise she already is)/ Prima Ballerina.
Madame Giry walks in on Erik and Meg having...fluff.
Erik beats up Meg's foppy aristocrat suitor. Meg is thankful, because the suitor was an effing jerk. Like EC Raoul.
The phic will probably have no ending. And I will probably have reviewed it and told them I loved how it was E/M. What I didn't tell them is how unoriginal it was or their spelling mistakes, which I overlooked because I love E/M. But I will tell them now...I must run off and finish my homework to write you all another chapter!