Disclaimer ALW (circa Red Death Erik) : THE PHANTOM IS MINE! He belongs to ME!
Me: Yes, he does, Andrew,yes, he does. But LEROUX is in the (drum roll) Public Domain! But not Good 'n' Evil, which is copyright Frank Wildhorn and Leslie Bricusse. Any other random stuff belongs to its respective owners, pas moi.
Special Note: I did not invent the saying that is part of this section's subtitle. Apparently it was coined by Reveurnoir and a friend of his/hers. I actually found it on a random livejournal icon. Technically, it's from a Big n Rich song I like. Anywho, this update will be the last for awhile, because my computer is dead. I also have to quit writing fanfiction for awhile due to more important things in my life, like college. When I resume my fanfictional career, it will be far away from here, probably on my private website (I just don't like the atmosphere here). I will finish Erik x Who, but its sequels (in process), as well as my POTO MiSTs will be archived on that site.
E/M phans: DO NOT FRET OVER WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN! Most of the EM phics I read are very good, except for one little thing: Erik and Meg are WAY too fluffy and WAY too fast. This chapter is to make fun of that aspect of EM phics, not EM phics themselves. Afterall, I'm an Erik x Meg shipper, so I'd be a hypocrite to say the pairing itself was bad. But some of you guys just need to SLOOOOOOW down and tone down the fluff. One of the best EM phics I've ever read didn't have any fluff until, like, chapter 5, and no sex until chapter 18 of the sequel. Too much fluff too fast can really turn the audience off--as you are about to see (snicker).
And now to the replies to the reviewers!
The authoress thanks the following people:
Araiona Dubois: Thanks for reviewing! Your humor phics are so great. And the word-of-the-day? Hah! But next time, try to read at a more discrete location if it's one of my phics..In fact, this chapter'd be a good time to find a quiet, undisclosed location. NICOLAE phangirl!
Orli's EEPs Chica: RANDOM! (runs off and cries) NO! It's SPONTANEOUSLY FUNNY! (sob). I'm glad you liked it dear, but for the record, if I don't say "random insert" then it ain't...If you read The Quest for the Holy Sake Cup, my Utena humor phic, you'll know what I mean by RANDOM. Oh! And thanks for updating your phic--Who is this Angel? It made my day. :-)
Beckswashere: You rolled of the floor laughing? You've made my day too,dear.
Karvian: You didn't catch the subtle South Park reference? But yes, real men play with dolls.
torch baby: There is a humorous comeback about that in this chapter involving Christine's stockings. And don't pity Meg quite yet (reads below)...
MarikRules: So sorry this chap took so long! It's been revised several times. Enjoy!
Nota Lone: I will in the slash parody chapters. (hee hee)
SimplyElymas: Not as dirty as what Meg's about to do..
lovesforgotten: Of course it's barf-worthy. That's why it's here. (grin) And the absence of the Persian causes a lot of problems. You'll be happy when you read the author notes from this chapter. :-)
VagrantCandy: You've just made the point I'm about to illustrate (rather graphically). Fluff is perfectly fine...but not three-hundred pounds of it.
To all other reviewers: Thank you for surviving this!
And now back to your irregularly scheduled program:
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Erik x WHO?
Chapter 4: Bring On the FLUFF!
In Which Meg Saves A Gondola And Rides The Phantom
--
Moncharmin looked at his pocket watch. It was starting to get late. It was almost 10 o'clock.
Moncharmin: What the devil could be taking that girl so long?
B-B: I know! I sent her back to get ready like three times!
B-B goes backstage and knocks on the dressing room door.
B-B: Meg, are you almost ready?
Meg: (from behind the door) I've just got to finish getting my costume ready!
B-B: Well, when you're done putting stuff on, let me know.
Meg: I'm not putting stuff on, I'm taking stuff off!
Dread crickets of doom. (You missed them, didn't you? You chose them over the scorpion didn't you? For shame.)
B-B: Umm...oh my.
B-B hurriedly goes back to her seat in the authoress' table, and worries.
Erik: Is something wrong?
B-B: I'm frightened..
Richard: Aren't you writing this?
B-B: That's what frightens me.
Just then, Meg appears onstage in a black leather corset with a short skirt with a bustle. She holds a riding prop. (There's yeer sign.)
Meg: I'm ready!
B-B: (gapes) Oh my god! MEG! Is that what you're wearing!
Meg: Oh! oops..(rips off the bustle skirt revealing some very sexy black satin negligee)
B-B: (jaw drops)
Erik: MEG! You can't just...(pauses)wear...(wide-eyed)woah.
Erik takes a good look at Meg's clothing (or lack thereof). "I Believe In Miracles (You Sexy Thing)" would be the ideal background music here. Meg's hair sways in the wind...wait, what?
Raoul: (wielding one huge-ass paper fan) I'm telling you, the heat is doing NOTHING for my complexion!
Erik: I take that back, Meg. Have fun.
B-B: Meg, what song are you...
B-B looks at Meg's outfit and prop and gulps before continuing with slight hesitation.
B-B: Performing?
Meg: I'll be performing Good 'n' Evil from Jekyll & Hyde!
Everyone else: HUH?
Meg: It's a musical from wherever the hell she came from (points to B-B)!
B-B: You're doing the song I'm performing at International Thespians Festival? Oh no..
Reyer: What's a musical?
B-B: It's a play in which you sing and dance to act out a story on stage.
Nadir: So it's like Opera?
B-B: NO. They are very different. Meg,where'd you get the music?
Meg: You brought the Broadway Selections Book with you!
Meg holds up the Broadway Selections Sheet Music Book.
B-B: So I did...Who's your piano player?
Meg: I dunno...that guy?
Meg points at a very lost member of the orchestra who is attempting to restore Reyer's sanity after the whole Carlotta/Daisy Duke thing. He is unsuccessful. The pianist sees Meg pointing to him. He walks over.
Piano guy: Yes, Mlle Giry?
Meg: You play piano?
Piano guy: Yes.
Meg: What's your name?
Piano guy: Um...I'm Reyer's son, Adrian.
Adrian Brody fans: WOO HOO!
Meg: Okay, well sit your butt over here and play this.
Adrian: (unsuredly) Umm...okay...
The songs begins to play as the stagelights go RED. Meg appears center stage and begins to sing.
Meg:
Good and Evil
And their Merits
Men have argued through history
As well they should!
(she snaps the riding prop onto the judges table)
Raoul: Nadir, I'm scared...
Nadir: Me too, Raoul, me too.
Meg:
My philosophy...
(she goes over to Erik and strokes his chin)
Any CHILD can see...
Erik: (nervously)Um...Meg...
Meg:
(runs backward and points likes she's discovered something)
Good is EVIL!
And therefore all evil is...
(she salutes the audience)
Good!
At this point, the tempo of the music changes and it becomes faster. Meg twirls around stage (REALLY well, considering she's been training in ballet her whole life) using the riding prop as a sort of cane (but not in the same way her mother did) . She begins to walk down into the judges area.
Meg:
How do you tell Evil (motions to Erik) from good (motions to Raoul)
Evil does well! Good...
(takes Erik's lasso and semi-punjabs Raoul)
Raoul: ACK!
Meg: (smile) Not so good!
Erik: You know, she is smarter than Christine in a lot of ways...
EM phans: DAMN STRAIGHT!
ER phans: Straight? awwww...
Meg:
Evil's the one that is free everywhere,
Good is the one that they SELL!
(At this point, she's uses the riding prop in the same way her mother did the cane)
You must decide which is heaven (points to sky), which is
(takes the riding prop and slides it downward , catching it between her legs)
HELL!
Everyone: (jaw drops as their eyes follow her movements)
B-B: Oh god, the men with white coats are gonna get me...
Meg walks over to the managers as she sings the next line.
Meg:
Good men maintain evil's a CURSE!
(strokes their hair and plays with Moncharmin's mustache)
Moncharmin: Squee...
Meg:
But it is plain, good's...
(she bring their heads close to her chest and then knocks their skulls together)
EVEN WORSE!
Erik: Yeah!
R & Mon: (are seeing little flying phantoms twirling around their heads)
Meg:
(walks toward Erik then makes a beeline for Raoul, who shivers)
Evil's the one that they tell you to shun
(grabs Raoul by his hair and presses him against her cheek)
Good is the one to embrace!
Raoul: ACK! MY HAIR!
Meg:
Say that and Satan will laugh..
Right in your face!
(lets Raoul go and goes over to Erik)
Erik: Hi, Meg...
Meg takes Erik by the hand and pulls him onto stage with her.
Meg:
The battle between Good and Evil
goes back to the start
(begins to undo Erik's shirt and vest)
Adam and Eve and the Apple
(rips open his shirt)
Tore Eden apart!
Erik: (nervously)..Meg?
Meg:
The key thing about Good and Evil,
Each man has to choose
(As she says the next line she gently slides him downward till he's flat on his back on the stage)
Heaven n' hell is a helluva gamble to lose...
Erik: (louder and with greater anxiety) Meg..!
Meg:
But as I peruse..
(she "peruses" Erik)
This world we abuse..
Erik: (sharply) Meg...
Meg:
It's hell that we choose..
(sits on top of Erik and pins him down)
Erik: (falsetto) MEG!
Meg: (grins) And Heaven must lose!
Evil is everywhere, good doesn't have a prayer
Good is commendable, evil's defendable
Evil is viable Good's unreliable
Good may be thankable, EVIL is BANKABLE!
Mme. Giry : (peaking from behind the curtain at the last few actions of her daughter) Vell, she ees a danser..
B-B, as your alter-ego, I REFUSE to describe Meg's last few actions to the audience.
B-B: Permission granted...I don't HOW to describe what she just did..
Raoul: (in a girlishly high voice) I'll NEVER be able to watch SEABISCUIT again!
Thanks,Raoul. That did it. As she finishes the line, "evil is bankable," she...she...
B-B:...Dismounts?
Yeah...Erik and goes back toward center stage and proceeds to belt the finale of the song.
Meg:
EVIL's for ME! You can have good!
(points to the Christine mannequin in the corner)
Doesn't suit me to be...
(looks at Raoul)
ROBIN HOOD!
Raoul: (growl mumble mumble) I'm not the one with Christine's stockings...
Meg:
S'easier by far from the way that things are to remain Good 'n' Evil---
Then try to be E-----vi----l...and GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
(The lights fade back to normal as Meg strikes a sultry pose, one hand on her corset, the other extended toward the judges)
Everyone: Oo0
Meg: So, how'd I do!
Everyone has managed to get back in their seats (everyone meaning Erik), and are quite without words..
Meg: Well, whaddya think!
B-B: What do I think? WHAT DO I THINK? I think my phic will have to go from a T to an M ratings thanks to your...your...
Meg: Audience participation?
Mme. Giry: If zat's vat you girls are calling eet zese dayz...
Meg: But what do the judges think?
The judges are still silent, Raoul's jaw is gaping open, and Nadir's eyes look like fried eggs. Erik speaks up.
Erik: Meg, I think I can speak for every man here when I say that--even though we're all sitting down--we're giving you a STANDING OVATION.
Rest of the judges: (nod silently)
Meg: Yes! (does a happy ballet victory dance)
B-B: AHEM! Judges?
R &Mon: 10.
Nadir: 20.
Raoul: I abstain...(under his breath) for the rest of my life.
B-B: Erik?
Erik: 25---
Meg: That's it?
Erik: million, 6 hundred, 47 thousand and 83.
B-B: Okay, that makes...Help?
You're hopeless. A calculator magically falls through the gaping plothole because SOMEONE can't do simple addition.
B-B: Thanks, alter-ego...Meg's final score is 25,647,113!
Meg: (turns to Erik) Thanks for helping me score so much..
B-B: (grabs Meg by the arm) BACKSTAGE!
Nadir hits the gong (his eyes still are the size of fried eggs), as B-B drags a very happy Meg off stage for a long talk about the rating system. Meanwhile , the judges just sort of stare at each other.
Moncharmin: So..umm...who needs to take a dip in M. le Fantome's lake?
All the present men in the lair and several reviewing male fanfic readers raise their hands. Oh, and Raoul raises his hand too.
Erik: To the lake!
The worst of it had to be over..but alas, something even stranger than before was yet to come:
EOW/EOC!
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Authoress' notes:
I don't know a thing about math, so forgive me. Adrian is a reference to Adrian Brody from the Pianist.
The standing ovation line? Yeah, that's from The Producers! (squee).
And for those of you who haven't seen Seabiscuit, it's a movie about a race horse. The line is a reference to Meet the Fockers, where Gaylord says " You were RIDING HIM like SEABISCUIT!"
The song Meg (cough) performs is called "Good 'n'Evil", and it's from the musical Jekyll & Hyde by Frank Wildhorn and Leslie Bricusse. I'm performing this song at festival! SQUEE! I'm such a jekkie. Anyway, A lot of EM phics have Meg somehow "lead Erik out the darkness" and turn him from evil to good. This song is about human nature and how being evil is kick-ass in so many ways. It is sung by Lucy Harris (Hyde's cockney mistress) in a brothel/burlesque house called the Red Rat. It's very sexual and fitting for my purposes, and so I used it as Meg's song. None of the lyrics have been changed.
This phic is in no way meant to desecrate the awesomeness of Jekyll & Hyde or the character Lucy (who is my favorite female persona from a musical ever, seconded only by Velma Kelly from Chicago). I just happened to choose this song for Meg. Please remember: I am trying to be SADISTICALLY and SARCASTICALLY HUMOROUS in an attempt to TEACH PEOPLE. This phic is not about bashing, it's about learning.
Unless you ship Erik x Raoul. Then it's bashing:-)
"Bring on the Men" was the initial song sung by Lucy, before it was changed to the better-suited "Good n' Evil", thus the title of this chapter, "Bring on the FLUFF!"
Oh, and this chapter is a birthday present to a fellow EM shipper whose birthday was just a day or two ago...Happy Birthday! And here's a present for everyone:
I am planning SEQUELS.
Not one, not two, but THREE sequels to this phic...Meg?
Meg appears to help narrate.
Meg: Hi! The next phic will deal with Non-Erik pairings, such as RC, NM, M x other man, and...RM. It will be hosted by moi--
And yours truly..
Meg: And will be titled:
Raoul and I did WHAT!
Enjoy. All four phics I've planned ( Erik x WHO, Raoul and I did WHAT, Meg put my mask WHERE, and They took out the Persian WHY?) are going to take a long time to finish and will not be hosted here (see note at beginning). They will all deal with problems in phanphiction, except for They took out the Persian WHY, which will be hosted by Gaston Leroux and discusses his objections to various forms of Phantom. :-) More specs in the next chapter!
Hints for upcoming chapter:
B-B: Her name will soon be up in lights. If they can find enough bulbs...
EOC/EOW Good Writers: Are mentioned and applauded.
EOC/EOW "Writers": Will be insulted by the truth.
And I leave you all with this final thought before we part ( a la Chris Rock : Bigger and Blacker):
No matter what the Phantom tells you, there should be no sex in the Creepy Lair o' Music. NONE.