UPDATE: 11/4/05
There is a huge flaw in the phic no one has mentioned in their review! The was a purposeful flaw of the operatic kind (eyes Britomartis as if to say "Hellooo?"). Point it out and you get props in the next chapter. This mistake goes to show something about suephics.
Disclaimer: I own none of the licensed and/or copyrighted materials mentioned/parodied/referenced. They belong to their respective owners. Heck, I don't even hold stock. Some of the ideas for Mary-Sue me in this chapter come from an excellent phic called Mary Sue is not the Energizer Bunny by Britomartis, and his phics inspired this chapter.
This chapter was originally intended to bash EOW phanfic convention, but a new horror has come to my attention: E...O...C. This genre of phanphiction is usually hellacious in its Mary-Sue nature, lax in its historical and literary accuracy, and usually involves an alternate or "other" Christine (OC) who is transported back in time to Opera Populaire (where else would an OC go, London? Oh wait...yeah. Oops) and auditions with no prior training and does perfectly and Erik loves her immediately and the readers barf. In case you haven't noticed, I HATE Mary Sues. They can ruin a perfectly good phic by turning it into a dull, flat, super-happy love story with no depth. I mean, c'mon, I've seen Erik x Raoul phics with more substance!
ER phans: SUBSTANCE! (roaring with laughter) hheheheheheheh...!
You know what I mean! So with these horrors in mind, I decided to make this an EMS (Erik x Mary-Sue)bash. By the time I'm done, they'll need the EMS (Emergency Medical Squadron). Enjoy, and may the fop--errr...Mary-Sue (constructive) bashing begin!
I'm sorry about the lack of replies to reviewers this time, but a huge ass hurricane just hit FL, and I probably won't have time to work on anything else due to its ill timing.
Raine K. Grayson: Any other random stuff belongs to its respective owners, pas moi.-Disclaimer from Chapter 4. I don't have time to always go back and list every little thing I reference. So that song belongs under the category of "any other random stuff". Pas moi is french for "not me". But I always have a disclaimer.It's a chance to use my humor more:-)
BTW-Which is better for Raoul: Stayin Alive or Like a Virgin? I'm leaning toward Like a Virgin.
And now back to your irregularly scheduled program:
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Erik x WHO?
Chapter 5: Mary Sue Must Die
In Which the Self-Inserted Authoress...Woah. Self-Insert?That just sounds wrong...Ummm..Mary Sue bashing!
--
The judges and contestants who had already gone were now seated in front of the stage. B-B was just having a teensy bit of trouble with her act.
B-B: NO I'M NOT! I just don't wanna be a Sue!
B-B...You know that's not true.
B-B: Yeah, you're right. I do wish I were Mary Sue..(under her breath) that bitch has everything.
Just at that moment, something amazing and highly expected happened. A huge portal opened and three good fairies appeared, bearing gifts.
Erik: You've got to be effing kidding me..
Nadir: (hums the Theme of the Three Good Fairies from Disney's Sleeping Beauty)
The tallest and pinkest of these fairies stepped forward.
Tallpinkfaery: Greetings, my little one! Do not fear! We come bringing gifts to write your Sue phic!
The tall pink faery waved her wand over B-B.
Tallpinkfaery: Sweet Mary Sue, my gift shall be the gift of the Gaping Plothole Device!
B-B: The what?
Randomly-Inserted Disney Choir:
One gift...gaping plots..
All the purists killed by these thoughts..
Historical inaccuracy and random illnesses restored
But with Mary Sues one can never be bored!
B-B: (O.o)
Suddenly, randomly, and not that unexpectedly, a machine that looked very much like a laptop computer fell through a gaping plothole.
B-B: Wow. Thanks...but how does this run in 1875?
Tallpinkfaery: The magic of your perfectness as a Sue and the pure love energy from your heart are its source of power!
B-B: Wow...okay. I'm not sure I have pure love energy yet...
Then the mid-height green one stepped forward.
Midgreenfaery: Dearest Sue, my gift shall be the gift of unrealistic perfection!
Randomly-Inserted Disney choir:
One gift..infallibility of song
Dance or sing, you can't go wrong!
No matter how dumb or stupid you may be,
Everyone will love you, just wait and see!
(sparkley sparkle sparkle)
As the green faery finishes her incantation, B-B's hair suddenly turns a shocking blonde, her eyes blue like sapphires, her hair magically wavy and managable.
Raoul: NO! Choose me! I want pretty Mary Sue hair!
B-B: Holy moly! I look freaking awesome, like totally!
Everyone: (SILENCE)
B-B: I mean...I have pretty straight hair! Thank you sosososososososo much!
Then a short blue faery steps toward her.
Shortbluefaery: Oh darling Mary Sue, if indeed through some Phantom's trick, Carlotta does end up sick, a ray of light for you I see, in this the gift I give to thee.. Not in these clothes, but new ones later, with this the random costume generator!
Randomly-Inserted Disney Choir:
For sparkly costume changes conquer physics' laws!
B-B: I think I'm gonna like this pen..
B-B holds up a pink, sparkly pen with a big jewel on top.
Threefaeries: Now, become a Mary Sue, you magically already know the words! (they float/fly away)
B-B: (a la Sailor Moon) MARY SUE CRYSTAL PRISM SPARKLE POWER...MAKE UP!
Erik: Mary Sue? (grabs Authoress pairings guide) Chapter 6 and 7, EOW and EOC...(flips pages)
Meg: Oh look, they have samples!
They read.
Raoul: Nadir! I want sparkle crystal prism make up too!
Nadir: Crystal prism sparkle power, you mean.
The stage lights suddenly blind everyone (don't worry, their vision's magically restored via gaping plothole device) as B-B's long skirt and t-shirt change into the same gown Christine wore in "Think of Me" only it is pink and has white roses instead of sparkly stars.
B-B: Champion of love and fluffly perfection, I am Marie Christine Erica Esmeralda Belle Jasmine Aurora Aminta Selene Satine Danielle Crepe-Suzette!
Everyone: (blink)
Richard: Is that with three Cs?
MCEEBJAASSDC-S: (nods) But for short, everyone just calls me Marie Sue!
Everyone: (a la AA) Hi, Marie Sue!
Marie Sue: (giggle smile faint revive giggle sparkle shiny smile)
EOW/EOC phans: OMG liek sh3's teh purrt33 liek m3 lol! XD
Erik: (finishes reading Marianne Brandon's phanfiction) God! At least one person knows what the heck they're doing!
Reyer.
Reyer: (almost to the point of insanity) Y..y..yy.yess?
Since other in-phic me is..well...incapable of handling complex thoughts and numbers, I appoint you temporary Master of Ceremonies.
Reyer: Okay...(turns to Marie Sue) What will you be singing?
Marie Sue: Hmm..I don't know, I'm so naive..(tee hee)
EOW/EOC: Liek u gotta sin9 teh Think of Me lol 1337!
Marie Sue: Erik, my angel, what would you have me sing?
Erik has just finished reading the other, more common poorly written EOW/EOC phics. He takes a breath of air before smiling kindly at her to mask his insane hatred.
Erik: Well, Marie dear, I don't really give a damn, as long as you DON'T sing the "Es-ce toi?" aria from Faust.
Marie Sue: You mean the one that goes..
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhaaahaaaaaahhhahahhhhhhhhhhh...
Que voix-je ici dans ce miroir?
Es-ce toi, Marguerite? Es-toi? Reponds-moi!
Reponds, reponds, reponds vite!
aAAAAHaahahahhhhaahah...NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNN!
Everyone else: (earplugs/cover ears/suicide)
Bat: (dies)
Marie Sue: C'est la fille d'un rOOOOOOoooooooiiiiiiiiIIIIII!
Erik: YES, THAT one!
Reyer: (from distance) You SUCK!
Reyer! As narrating authoress, I demand you stick to the theme of the phic!
Reyer: What theme is that?
Mary Sue is INFALLIBLE. To prove her wrong would, in essence, unmake existence.
Reyer: Fine...(sarcastically) Great job Marie Sue, now what song will you be performing for us for the competition?
Meg: Well...she's a Swedish dumb blonde with vocal chords and a low IQ...
Erik: (is scared)
Raoul: I WANT HER HAIR AND SHINY CHANGEY PEN!
Nadir: Settle down, Your fopness.
Marie Sue: I've got it!
Mme. Giry: Ooove gott ze song?
Marie Sue: (finishes eating cheesecake and drinking soda)No! I've got IT!
The gaping plothole device suddenly goes off and a full musical theatre orchestra spontanously generates. Marie Sue's costume magically changes from the psuedo-Christine Think of Me gown to a very short and sexy white dress.
Adrian: (piano)
Marie Sue ( a la Ulla):
Ven you got it, FLAUNT IT.
Step right out and stroot yur stoof!
People tell yu modesty's a wirtue..
But in ze sheater modesty can urt yu!
Erik: The sheater?
M.Giry: She means ze sheater.
Erik: (grumble) Thanks for clearing that up, Antoinette..
Marie Sue:
Ven you got it, FLAUNT IT!
Show yur assets, let shem know yur proud!
Yeer gooties yu must poosh!
Stick yur chest out, shake yur tush! (she does so)
Ven you got it, show it out loud!
(all music suddenly comes to a hault)
Marie Sue turns to the audience and very sternly adresses them.
Marie Sue: Now, Marie Sue DANCE!
She does so...sort-of. Calypso jazzy music begins to play as her costume changes into bellbottoms and a tank top and she does the conga a la Charro. The she transforms into Chiquita Banana and starts to do some modern Latin dance, all the while making tiny orgasmic sounds. When the music returns to normal, so does her clothing. Everyone in the audience has NO IDEA what the hell she's doing..It sort-of looks like she's trying to molest herself on stage.
Marie Sue:
Ven you got it..(tee hee) SHOW it!
Poot yur eedin treasures on display!
( shimmies toward Erik)
Wionlinists love to play an E string..
(shashays toward Raoul)
But ouwdiences willy luv a G-STRING!
Raoul: ACK! Why does everyone keep saying that!
Nadir: Raoul, I'd watch your back.
Raoul: My back? (tugs sign off back of his..back) AGH! How dare you, fiend!
Nadir: (snicker snicker)
Marie Sue:
Ven you got it, shout it!
Let the 'ole vorld hear vat yur aboud!
Oooh, clothes may make ze man,
All a girl needs is a tan!
Ven you got it, let it hang out!
Gerik phans: (giggle)
Marie Sue: Remember ven Marie Sue dance!
Everyone: (dejectedly) Yeah.
Marie Sue: Marie Sue dance again!
This time, the music is much more strip-joint, and she does some freak dancing in a white and black polkadot bikini. As the pace turns more cabaret, she is joined by the insatiable Dread Pirate Robert Corps de Ballet, who surround her and do the can-can with her (her dress is now Moulin Rouge). As the music stops, the men suddenly turn to snow, and she is dressed in traditional Swedish apparel.
Marie Sue;
Ven I was yust a little girl in Sveden,
My tautful mosher gave me dis adwice..
(demonstrates the next lines with her hands)
Ven nature blesses you from top to bottom..
Zen show zat top to bottom, don't shink tvice!
Everyone: (wtf)
Marie Sue: Now, Marie Sue belt!
DON'T SHINK TVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!
Ven you got it, share it!
Let ze public feast upon yur charms!
People say that being prim esh proper,
But ewery showgirl knows zat prim vill stop er!
If you got it, give it!
Don't be selvish give it all avay!
(DPR Corps de Ballet in tuxes and top hats dance around her)
Don't be shy, be bold and cute!
(DPRCDB tap dance vith er)
Show ze boys yur birshday suit!
(poses with the DPRCDB a la Roxy Hart)
Ven you got it..
If you got it...
Vonce oo got it..shout out
HUUUUUUUURRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!
(poses perfectly in the end, as DPRCDB vanish)
Marie Sue: You like it!
Everyone is speechless. During the finale, she had done the macarena, the electric slide, the tootsie role, the Charleston, and each time her costume had changed. In fact, the random costume generator had kept flashing between pink and blue until it had exploded (causing Raoul great distress). Marie Sue was currently wearing a lavelier that went all the way down to her waist, splattered in blue and pink.
Erik: This is it..I'm going to die of insanity. It can't get much worse..
Meg: Oh yes it can...(reading Chapter 8: Slashity Slash Yaoi)
Okay..how is she going to get back to normal now for the judging?
Moncharmin: You're narrating authoress, you figure it out!
Damn, I thought you guys would say that...Okay, here goes. Marie Sue suddenly fainted, drained of her life by means of plot device. Her hair and clothing began to return to normal, as B-B sat up off the floor.
B-B: What happened to me...?(rubs head)
Nadir: Only the worst thing imaginable.
B-B: (wide eyed) I...I..I.. I was a SUE! (hitch pitch scream) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Erik: Please don't sing again!
Reyer: Shall I get on with the judging?
Please do.
Reyer: Erik? Raoul? Nadir? Directors?
Erik: Abstain.
Raoul: 2300!
Everyone looks at Raoul.
Raoul: What! She was SHINY...
Nadir: Kill me now please..
Erik: (snicker tug lasso)
Nadir: Metaphorically! I give her a 7..such spirited dancing..
Meg: Spirited? HAH! (thinks of showing Erik her spirited dancing...when they're alone..)
Moncharmin: Well, let's see..how bout a nice solid 5?
Richard: Agreed!
B-B: You guys have voted the same everytime! People are gonna think you're a couple or something! I mean--oh wait! That's my score! Nevermind!
R&M: (mumble grumble)
Reyer: Then Marie Christine Erica Esmeralda Belle Jasmine Aurora Aminta Selene Satine Danielle Crepe-Suzette's final score is..2312!
Nadir hits the gong. Gong, Kay phans. Not bong, gong. 3 XD lol
B-B: Stop doing AOL stuff!
STFU Marie Sue! Liek I 4M teh roxxors lol!
B-B: Grrrrrr...
Reyer: And that leaves her second with Meg in the lead..
B-B: WAIT! There's something you all should know!
Everyone: What!
B-B: I'm pregnant with Erik's three month old, fully formed child!
Erik: WWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT! (rage)
B-B: ------NOT! Just kidding!
Erik runs over to her and lassoes her.
Erik: Don't EVER do that to me again! I'd rather be dead!
That's usually what ends up happening.
Erik: I read your sample book! I KNOW! (sob)
B-B: Well, at least I'm back to normal! (teehee sparkle)
As Erik goes off into his room to exhaust his anger and anguish, everyone else just look one another and twiddle their thumbs. Nadir plays with Erik's dolls. Raoul cries over the loss of the shiny pen. Madame Giry is tapping her cane to the tune of the Addams family. Reyer is banging his head against a wall, saying something along the lines of " Never in all my days has such a presumptious bitch" or something. Meg reads some more slash samples out of B-B's Authoress Guide and laughs hysterically. The contest was drawing to an end, and all the girls eligible for Erik's love had been tested..
But not the guys.
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Authoress' notes:
This is what I consider one of my best parodies of all time. I was wondering how to transform into a Mary Sue, and Sailor Moon's henshin phrase seemed perfect. A lot of Sues I read have insanely weird or long hard-to-pronounce names, hence MCEEBJAASSDC-S.
Marianne Brandon is one of the only writers I have read any of who even tries to form a good EOW/EOC story. Kudos to her. I will go back and review as soon as I get the time.
I could go in to what I HATE about musical inaccuracy in Mary Sue phics, but that's not what I'm here for. I'm here to lecture you on proper writing. You want your lecture on being PC, read Mary Sue is not an Energizer Bunny. I think it's important to do your research to write well, too. That's why I'm being forced to read poorly written slash phics to write the next chapters (you people better love me for this, cause the one I'm reading now involves...torture). What you are failing to realize when you write is the purpose of Mary Sue (the ideal female chracter) herself.
Static characters BORING CHEESE. Making your main female character a Sue is a one-way ticket to disaster. Now, I'm not saying Sues are always bad. There are times they are necessary. Take a fictonal story I've been working on offline in which a girl becomes evil because of her covetous pride and jealousy over another girl's triumphs. Other girl? Yep, she's a Sue. But she's at least a REALISTIC Sue. With Other Christines that transport back through time, all writing seems to be a series of unlikely (and stupid) events. And many phics by different authors use the exact same storyline! It sucks! No one wants to read garbage like that. Where's your theme? "Mary Sued me will win Erik if she sings Britney Spears?" If Swedish prima donna Ulla (wahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahwah) Inga Hansen Hensen Tvallen Tsvaden Tsvanson can't get him, then he sure as ain't going for Christiana Amber Rosalinda Therese Suzine or even Jeanne Hannah Jessica Serena Zelda Georges. Not to mention the horrid optimism I want to tear to pieces--Erik and Marie seem to have not a care in the world and everything is perfect for them. WHERE'S THE STRENGTH IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP IF THEY HAVE NOTHING TO OVERCOME? Erik and Christine never had a fairytale Sleeping Beauty romance to begin with (and if I hear one more person who hasn't read the book say that they're "soulmates" I'll slap him/her so hard he/she'll wish he/she were Raoul), and all this static predictable plotline does is make your writing not only bad thematically, but boring and unentertaining to read. Angst is your friend, use it!
And no, Mary Sue being picked on by the other girls is NOT angst. Nor is her going magically blind. And just cause something happens in a movie, doesn't mean it sounds good on paper. Meaning, the random costume-changing power has got to go. That belongs to Sailor Moon, and she's already got Tuxedo Mask for you EOC/EOW phans to glomp on. He's Erik enough as it is, and he doesn't have a deformity (despite his falling off a cliff onto jagged rocks while trapped inside a car). Leave poor Erik alone!
And when you start a story, think of the ending first. I know that sounds wierd, but if you plan ahead before you write, you'll sound more constructive and you'll better convey your purpose.
"I wanted to be with Erik cuz h3's teh HAWT sexxors! lol" is not a purpose.
Now I have to read slash (shudder). Any suggestion as to what Raoul will sing?
Ideas people have thrown at me:
Hit me Baby One more Time
YMCA
Stayin Alive
Like a Virgin
I'm Too Sexy
I Feel Pretty
And personally, I really like:
The Pokemon English Theme
Please review with your comments and suggestions. And Phantom in 15 Minutes owns the Dread Pirate Roberts Corps de Ballet.