Chapter Three

They both sat there for the next few moments in silence. After 5 years of friendship, flirting, and agony; it seemed as though neither one of them knew what came next. One of them had to break the ice, one of them had to initiate a conversation.

Since she already disclosed enough to him today, Sara was content to sit on her sofa and look at him. She looked into his eyes; there was something different in them tonight. Something warm, inviting, or perhaps it was compassion. Compassion for what she had gone through earlier in his office. She wasn't sure. Maybe it was just that he had been up for twenty hours straight and he was tired.

"I knew not how empty was my heart until it was filled! Sorry, I didn't mean to bring Shakespeare into this. Sometimes I can't find my own words, so I borrow a few of his. Pretty pathetic, huh?"

Grissom gazed across the sofa at the beautiful woman he had longed to touch to try to get a read on her emotions. He understood that as difficult as this is for him to try to say, it must be equally as difficult for Sara to contemplate, especially after her little confession from earlier today.

"You know I adore Shakespeare; most women do, which is probably why men try to memorize his quotes. You're different though; I do believe that you have an appreciation, maybe even an admiration for the man. Tell me, is your heart full?"

"Sara, I raced over here tonight with a specific plan, an outline if you will. This really isn't making any sense. You know, I consider myself a rather intelligent man, but it seems when I am around you I forget everything. I can't help it; I think you make me stupid. I seem to lose the ability to talk, or at lease make sense."

"Well, at least you don't have my problem, I talk too much! Do you think that for once, maybe just this time, you could just tell me how you feel?" She placed a trembling hand on his chest. "Tell me what you feel in here. The rest will work itself out."

The soft touch of her hand on his chest sent tingling down his back. He couldn't believe how the slightest of her touch affected him so. She really was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on. How he longed to stroke her long brown hair. What would it be like to kiss those gorgeous lips; what would it be like to love her with every ounce of his being? Grissom found he was lost whenever Sara was around. Maybe if he didn't spend so much energy fighting it, the ride would be mind-blowing. He had never let himself take that ride before; to just give in to someone and let fate take it's course. Suddenly, it appeared to be a little overwhelming on the sofa. "I think I need a glass of water, I'll be right back."

Sara watched him retreat to the kitchen to pour two glasses of water. His hands were trembling ever so slightly. She watched him as he spilled a few drops on the counter. She couldn't hold back the chuckle even though she tried. Sara knew this was very hard for Grissom. For some unknown reason, he had built monstrous walls around his heart, hell-bent on keeping everyone out. She wondered if he'd been hurt before; or perhaps he felt he was incapable of love. Either way, he did come over tonight to talk, and that, she felt, was a gigantic step in the right direction.

"I'm glad I can provide some entertainment for you," Grissom sneered as he slithered back toward the sofa with two slightly filled glasses of water in his trembling hands. "I didn't fill them up all the way; I was afraid of more spillage. The nerves; they are kicking in full force tonight I'm afraid."

Gracefully, he positioned himself back on the sofa right next to Sara. It took Grissom no time to gulp down his glass of water. Sara couldn't help but feel a little sorry for the man. "Hey Gris, relax. You don't have to say or do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Just tell me something, something profound about yourself, your life."

"I'm not really good with being profound or insightful about myself. But, I'm willing to give it a try. Let me see, something no one knows. About twenty-five years ago, I was engaged. I was just out of college; I thought I was in love. Her name was Karen Whitlock. We dated all through college; you know one of those college romances. At the time, I believed we would spend the rest of our lives together. We had plans to get married after I had found a decent job in Los Angeles; but in the mean time, I was working in the LA Coroner's office. One day, I decided to visit her on my lunch break. I found her entertaining another gentlemen, a friend of ours, Tom Jasper. He was my lab partner in college. Apparently, they had been having an affair for sometime."

"Grissom, I'm sorry, I had no idea," Sara lamented. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. This would help explain many things: his fear of being hurt again, his distrust of relationships, and his need to keep everyone arms length away from him. Sara just sat there in total shock. What words could she offer him after his admission? All she could muster was, "So she left you for him?"

"Well, not exactly. There's more. After I found them, of course I was stunned, angry, demoralized. I went through all of the normal emotions. I pretty much told both of them that I wanted them out of my life, forever. They tried to apologize. Karen assured me that it was over between them. She insisted that this was her goodbye to Tom because she was going to marry me. But, in true Gil Grissom fashion, I wouldn't even listen. I guess I was too hurt to hear. Anyway, I stormed out of her apartment, got in my car and sped off. Karen jumped in her car and followed me. She was going about ninety to catch up with me and apparently missed a stop sign, and ran into a box truck. I watched it happen in my rear view mirror. Horrified, I went back to the crash; she died in my arms. The last thing she said to me was to please forgive her. I found out later that she was six weeks pregnant. I never knew if the baby would've been mine or Tom's; I guess I didn't want to know."

"You know that it wasn't your fault, right? It was a terrible accident, probably the most horrific thing you had seen to that point, but it wasn't your fault. I know you Grissom; you have probably been carrying around guilt for twenty years. It was dreadful what happened to her; what happened to you, but it was just an unfortunate accident."

"I did blame myself for a long time. I considered Karen's death, and the death of the unborn child to be my fault. It wasn't until I was a CSI for many years did I realize that you cannot predict human behavior. I had no way of knowing what would happen that day. I made peace with that. There was also a point that I realized something else. While I enjoyed Karen's company and we had fun together, I was never truly in love with her. I came to that realization the minute you walked into my life. There, is that profound enough for you?"

Sara almost fainted. She could not believe her ears. Was he not in so many words admitting that he was in love with her? She couldn't speak; all these thoughts and emotions were swirling around in her head. 'After all this time, I finally get some true feelings out of him and I'm speechless. I think I see tears in his eyes. His beautiful blue eyes; why were his eyes so damn gorgeous? I have to say something. I want to tell him that I love him too, but I don't want to scare him away. Come on Sara, say something.'

"I think that is more profound than I was prepared for," she returned. "Grissom, I didn't want this to be so hard for you, but wow, did you just admit what I think you did? Am I reading too much into this, cause you know, sometimes I read too much into your words, your looks, your eyes. Did you know you have beautiful eyes? You don't mind me saying that do you? Am I talking too much?"

Finally, Grissom cracked a smile. "Sara, would you like to go to dinner? I know this little bar not too far from here. They usually have a band or something and their food's not too bad. I got used to going there all those nights that I drove here to your apartment and didn't have the courage to leave my car."

"Dinner sounds nice. I'll get dressed."

With that, they left the apartment and drove together in Grissom's Tahoe to The Station House Bar.