Doesn't Remind Me
Summary: AU, WiP: What would've happened if Severus Snape had choose a different path and proved is loyalty to the one who trusted him when no one else did?
Category: Angst/Drama.
Rating: PG-13 to R. For safety, deals with violence and suicidal themes.
Notes: Sorry for the long wait, school as started again (strike over, sadness) and my life has become controlled by h/w and dance audtions. So updates will be every weekend, if I'm lucky. I'm sorry, I'm trying! So instead I'm going to make the chapters longer to make up for having to make you guys wait, is that a good trade off?This hasn't been edited since I have to go to bed, like right now so I'll edit it tomorrow. Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, if I did I'd be rich and not writing fanfics, now would I? Sue me if you wish but the only thing you'll get out of it is my pointe shoes because it's the only thing I've ever bought in my life. Anything recognizable is credited to J.K. Rowling anything unrecognizable can be credited to me, understood? Good. Now I'm going to shut-up so you can read the story!
Ch. 9 - Sacrifice
Severus Snape awoke many hours later, against is own will. He would have been quite content to stay in the blissful unknown of unconsciousness but his mand had other ideas. So it was with great resistence that Snape opened his eyes, he regreted it immediately. The lights that greeted his eyes blinded him and caused his slight headache to explode into a pounding migraine. But after a couple seconds his eyes adjusted and his migraine returned to its former state as a slight headache.
"You're awake," a voice said.
Severus turned his head to see Madame Pomfrey walking over from her former position in the corner of his room.
"I can't believe I let Albus convince me to allow you to leave the hospital wing. You're gone for just over an hour and you have to be carried back here!" Pomfrey exclaimed, clearly angry.
Severus started to push himself into a sitting postition.
"Oh no you don't!" Pomfrey snapped, putting her hand on Severus' uninjured shoulder and pushing him back down, "You are staying in bed until I give permission to leave!"
"Can't I at least sit-up?" Severus argued.
"No! The only reason you can move is to go to the bathroom!"
"But -"
"No 'buts' Severus! If ou leave this bed then I'll get Dumbledore to force you back into the hospital wing, where you should be! Now be quite and don't move, I'm going to get you some food."
"Pomfrey, I'm not -"
"Silence!" And with that Madame Pomfrey strode out of the room, leaving Severus Snape in stunned silence.
For twenty minutes Madame Pomfrey left Severus Snape alone with his thoughts. He spent the entire time staring at the ceiling, trying his hardest not to think, trying his hardest to keep his mind blank. Maybe, just maybe, if he kept his mind black he wouldn't have to feel the pain that was overwhelming hih.
The door opened and in walked a tired and annoyed looking Madame Pomfrey with a tray full of food that she set down beside his bed, "Eat," she commanded.
"I'll have to sit-up to eat," Severys replied with a smug smile.
"Then sit-up!"
"But you said I wasn't allowed to sit-up."
"Don't play games with me Severus! I'm not in the mood," Pomfrey snapped back, crossing her arms and fixing Severus with a very annoying stare.
"Pomfrey, I'm not even hungry -" Severus started to protest.
"Severus Snape," Pomfrey interrupted, "I highly doubt the Death Eaters fed you when you were a prisoner and you haven't eaten since you've returned. That would put your last meal at about a month ago. And seeing as you've taken to not eating much in the last few years anyway, I'd say you're in need of a hot meal. So just eat the food!"
Madame Pomfrey sat herself down in the chair beside Severus' bed and watched him intently, "I'm not leaving until you eat that food. I know you'd just throw it away if I left, I'm not stupid."
Severus sighed, pushed himself into a sitting position, and placed the tray of food on his lap. He glared at the offensive food, just the sight of it made his stomach twist in disgust and protest.
"Staring at the food isn't going to make is disappear," Pomfrey smiled in amusement, "The sooner you eat it the sooner it will be gone."
Severus looked up and fixed his trademark glare on Pomfrey. They stared at each other for a few silent and tense minutes before Severus dropped his gaze and returned to staring at his food, Pomfrey had won the silent battle. He picked up the fork and attempted to eat the food, he almost threw-up the first mouthful. A few minutes later he had managed to eat half of the food on the tray before he felt his stomach lurch and twist around inside of him. Severus dropped the fork with a resounding 'clang' as metal hit metal and stared at his shaking hands. He closed his eyes and willed the food to stay in his stomach and not take a return trip up his throat, to no avail. He choked, putting his hands over his mouth in a vain attempt to stop the food from coming up. Pomfrey realised what was happening and quickly moved the tray of food and conjured up a small bowl that she held underneath Severus' mouth. He could taste the bile and could no longer hold the food down any more.
A few minutes later the coughing stopped, the shaking subsided, and the bowl was full of chewed-up, slightly digested food. Madame Pomfrey removed the bowl, set it on the table beside the bed, and handed Severus a cloth which he used to wipe his mouth.
"Oh dear, oh dear," Pomfrey muttered under her breath, "I really thought you would've been able to handle the food Severus. I'm sorry, I should've started with something lighter, like soup."
"It's fine Pomfrey," Severus replied, "Next time just listen to me."
Pomfrey froze, "Wait a second, are you being nice to me?" she asked in guarded confusion.
Severus rolled his eyes, "My God Pomfrey, I'm not heartless. Or have I changed that much over the last five years?"
"Of course you're not heartless, it's just that. Well, when you became a spy again you started to act more, well, mean to put it bluntly. I'm just not use to you yet, you're back to the person you use to be when you had nothing to do with the Death Eaters or any of them. That was a long time ago you know. The students are going to be amazed when you start teaching again."
Severus yawned and felt the welcoming sense of sleep start to creep over him.
"You should go to sleep Severus," Pomfrey stated, "I'll bring you some soup later and we'll see if that stays down."
Severus nodded and layed down, falling asleep almost instantly.
Just under a week passed in which Severus spent the entire time confined to his bed. Leaving only to go to the bathroom. Even though he was still unable to eat solid foods and could barely hold down soup Madame Pomfrey decided that Severus Snape was well enough to leave his room and return to teaching. As long as he did not overexert himself and only if he promised to rest if he felt tired, woozy, or light-headed.
Albus Dumbledore decided that he would give Severus Snape the good news. So the Headmaster nodded softly on the door to Severus' room in the dungeons.
"Come in," Severus whispered, barely audible.
Dumbledore opened the door and walked in. Severus was sitting up in the bed, with quite the collection of small green books opened and covering his lap.
"I've seen you've started reading your potion records," Dumbledore said with a smile.
"I've forgotten a lot," Severus admitted, frustrated, "Yet, surprisingly enough, I remember more than I thought I would."
Dumbledore reached into his robe, eyes twinkling merryingly, and pulled out a wand that he tossed carelessly at Snape, who caught it easily.
"Is this -?"
"No, unfortunately it is not your old wand," Dumbledore interrupted, "But almost an identical copy. Ollivander does not forget any of the wands he has ever sold, so it was no trouble to get you a replacement in that regard. Though it was quite the challenge to pursuade Ollivander to return to his shop for even a few moments. He doesn't feel safe, right now he's under heavy protection, Voldemort wants him dead, with good reason too."
Severus looked over his wand for a few moments and then waved it. The books on his lap closed and stacked themselves neatly in a few piles on the table beside his bed.
"So you can do magic," Dumbledore mused, "I feared you would take longer to recover you abilites. But I will advise you not to attempt any major spells for awhile."
"And I will take that advisement very seriously," Snape replied.
"Severus," Dumbledore began, replacing his light conversational tone with a more serious one, "Madame Pomfrey has agreed to allow you out of bedrest and as you already know, the school year is almost over. I was wondering if you would wish to return to the Defense Against The Darks Arts position for the remanding two weeks or if you would rather forgo teaching until next year."
"There really is no point to begin lessons again Albus, the students have already lost over a month of lessons. And if I'm not mistaken, the fifth and seventh years are about to takentheir OWLs and NEWTs and anymore lessons would do no more than to stress the students. Also, if something were to occur I don't believe I would be adequately healed enough to remidy such a situation and I would rather not have a students death on my hands."
"Very well, I suspected so. Will you at least begin to join the school in the Great Hall during meal times? I'm quite sure that the students have been wishing to see you since your, well let's just say, interesting return."
"If you wish it, I will. Though I would rather not."
"Good. I will expect you at tomorrow's breakfast," Dumbledore smiled and left the room. Leaving Severus to his thoughts.
The thoughts that he tried to block out. The thoughts that haunted him day after day, night after night. If he kept himself busy he wouldn't have to think, if he kept himself distracted he could concetrate on something else. Not his thoughts, his thoughts tormented him, his memories destroyed him. Everyday he woke up wondering why he was still alive, why he had not been killed. He deserved death, didn't he? After all the murders he had done, after all the rescues he had made in a vain attempt to clear his name. After all the bad, and all the good, did he not, at least, deserve a silent death? Did he not deserve a peacful end to the life he had lead, to the life he had destroyed. Did he deserve this tormented existent? Living a life no longer knowing who you are. Memories make up a person, with no memories how can a person know who they are? They can't. Everyday Severus Snape awoke, wishing he never had. Every morning he looked out the window and watched the sunrise, planning how he might kill himself that day, planning on how he might end the suffering he endeared. He never followed through with the plans, he knew the consequences of his actions would be severe. He knew what he was thinking was not rational. He knew there were people in his life that would care if he committed suicide. He knew all these things yet he was still unable to completely block out the idea of death. He knew he should talk to someone about it but he couldn't bring himself too. It was a weakness in his eyes, such a drastic weakness that he would rather suffer in silence then admit it to anyone. He prefered to pretend like everything was fine, to wake up and put on his fake mask and asume his fake attitude and his fake personality. He couldn't remember if he was like this before and he didn't really care. This was his life right now, and it was a life he wished to be free of.
The next morning Severus Snape awoke to the same thoughts that he awoke to everyday. He got dressed and left his room in the dungeons. Walking through the silent corridors he was left once again with his thoughts, though today he decided that he was doing a remarkable job of blocking out his mind. He reached the Great Hall and entered through a back door to see that he was not the first teacher to arrive. Albus Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall were in a deep, rather interesting and exciting looking conversation. There were few students in the Hall but those that were present immediately began whispering quite loudly. After about half an hour, in which Severus had somehow been dragged into a conversations about dragons with Hagrid and Professor Flitwick. He remember now why he had never enjoyed meals in the Great Hall.
Once the students had all managed to drag themselves out of bed, and into the Great Hall, Dumbledore stood up. Severus noticed, with amusement, that many of the students had looked up from last minute study sessions.
"It is with great regret," the Headmaster began, "that I have been forced to label all Defense Against The Dark Arts OWLs and NEWTs as voluntarly taken exams. Students who believe that they know enough about the subject will be allowed to take the exams but his no longer a requirement for this year because over a month of lessons had to be cancelled. However, it is with my great pleasure that I can announce the return of our Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Severus Snape."
With that announcement there was a great round of applause and hollering of joy, even a standing ovation. After all, Severus Snape had saved the Headmaster's life, he deserved some recognition. Severus, however, did not appreciate the recognition. He was never one to be in the spotlight, he prefered to work alone and unknown. He has never been comfortable as the center of attention for a huge group of people.
"You do not have to worry though," Dumbledore added after the cheering had dimished, "Defense Against The Dark Arts classes will not resume until next year."
With that Albus Dumbledore sat down and breakfast continued. Severus spent most of the time watching the students, trying to figure out who he remember and who he did not. It was a bad idea, it forced him to remember the fact that he had lost so much.
Days went by, Severus stayed in his dungeons for most of the time. Looking over his recordings of potions that he no longer remembered working on. Dumbledore became increasingly worried about his friend. Severus showed no signs of depression, no signs of himself. To Dumbldore the wizard was taking everything that happened too well for his likeing. No one would be able to deal with losing as much memory as Severus had without changing for the worst. The only thing was, there was nothing Dumbledore could do. It would be Severus' descision to seek help if he wanted it. The thing that scared Albus Dumbledore the most was the fact that Severus might not want help, but he needed it. But how are you to help someone that does not want help?
The answer came days later, during an evening meal. Dumbledore had recently been notified that Rufus Scrimgeour had asked for another meeting, and he had consented. He was now currently eating in silence as Professor McGonagall was allowing the Minister of Magic entry into the school grounds. What was about to happen Dumbledore had never expected.
The doors of the Great Hall opened and in walked a very determined Rufus Scrimgeour with his three Aurors and Professor McGonagall following behind. She caught Dumbledore's eyes and shrugged, she had tried to deter him but afterall, he was the Minister of Magic. If he wanted to see Dumbledore know than he he would, no questions asked.
"May I inquire to why this could not wait for the privacy of my office?" Dumbledore questioned, careful to keep his face calm.
"I cannot believe that you have not fired that man!" Rufus shouted, pointing directly at Severus Snape.
"And tell me why I would want to fire Severus Snape?"
"He is a danger to this school and to the Wizarding World! How do you not know that he isn't still working for the Death Eaters! He needs to be interrigated and his innocence proved! You cannot keep a dangerous criminal in the vicinity of so many young children who cannot protect themselves!"
"Interrigated?" Dumbledore said with a smile, "I know of your so called 'interrigations' Rufus and I will not allow such an action to be done against Severus. I know he is innocent of whatever insane crime you blame him to have partaken in this time," Dumbledore rose, a hint of anger creeping into his voice, "You cannot keep barging into this school accusing Severus Snape of breaking the law with no proof. You are abusing your power based on old information. You, Rufus Scrimgeour, seem to have trouble grasping the fact that people change. If this is the only reason that you wish to speak to me of than I sugest you leave because I am not going to let you abuse your position like this. You are no longer allowed into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry unless you have documents for an arrest."
"Let me take him now with no fuss. You know I can get arrest documents in a few minutes! That man is going to Azkaban whether you wish it or not!"
"Get the papers Rufus, because until you do this man is not a criminal and I can grant him permission to go anywhere that I want him too. And you know as well as I that I have many places he can hide, many places you won't be able to find him."
Rufus Scrimgeour stared at Albus Dumbledore for many tense minutes before turning around and stridding out of the office, followed by the Aurors and Professor McGonagall.
Dumbledore turned to Severus, "Follow me. It seems you are no longer safe here."
The Headmaster turned on his heels and walked out through a back door, Severus Snape followed in stun silence. After walking for many minutes Severus asked, "Where are we going?"
"I'm taking you to number twelve, Grimmauld Place. There you will be safe from the Ministry of Magic and the Death Eaters."
"And all my stuff?"
"Will be sent to you later."
The two of them walked in silence to the outside grounds of Hogwarts where they met Minerva McGonagall, who had jsut granted Rufus Scrimgeour and his Aurors leave.
"Take him Minerva, before Rufus returns with the documents."
Minerva nodded and grabbed Severus' arm, the two stepped over the bounds and turned quickly. Apparating to the doorstep of number twelve, Grimmauld Place.