Title: Break the silence
Fandom: Bleach
Pairing: Ikkaku x Nemu
Rating:T for violence
Warnings: Don't read if you like Mayuri
Disclaimer: I am not Kubo Tite, thus I do not own Bleach. I do not own these characters. I am only borrowing them for my own enjoyment.
Dedicated to Virgo for creating so much love for this couple.
Nemu has a lot of time to think. So much of her life is spent in the kind of silence that eventually grows so thick that it becomes an entity that embraces you. Thick, choking tendrils wrap tight around a person, halting the opportunity to produce any sound to break it. Sound is it's enemy. Nemu's shroud is so thick now that she's forgotten the sound of her own voice. It's so strong now that the only noise that has any hope of piercing it is her father's voice. It appears even silence shrinks at Mayuri-sama's command.
Nemu wonders if she misses noise. It has been so long that that she can't even recall a time when it was different. Maybe it never had been. Perhaps she'd been born with this barrier between her and the world, this heavy wrap that refused to let any sound reach her save that of her father. This would not surprise her—Mayuri-sama could have devised such a device in his sleep. It would have been one more way he ensured that she was his alone.
Mayuri-sama does not require her to speak much. Her voice is so seldom used that she suspects that it will dry and rot out of her throat in an effort to find some kind of release. There are nights when she lays in her bed, staring at the darkness, the effort of pressing her lips together to keep her screams inside making her jaw cramp. She fights her voice. She won't let it win. Her voice, just like every other part of her, is Mayuri-sama's to wield. His word momentarily frees her words, momentarily subdues her silence. And yet it is his word that keeps her voice shackled, his command that keeps her wrapped in her silence. He does not want to hear her utilize the voice he has given her unless that voice is employed by his order.
Nemu barely hears her own voice on the rare occasions she speaks with any of the members of her division. Their responses are always muffled, subdued, reaching her from miles in the distance, the words blurring together. They do not command her silence. They cannot break through to her.
Nemu has spent many of her silent hours, standing in the corner of Mayuri-sama's office, staring at the floor, her mind whirling with activity that her surface never betrays. And it is during these hours that she begins to wonder why she is so different.
She knows she is different, and that most of this difference is in the manner of her birth. If it were not for Mayuri-sama, she would not be here. She owes her life to him, and thus she gives herself as completely to him as he wishes. If he commands it, she does it without hesitation. She does not pause to consider whether or not she is capable of completing the task—it never comes into question. What Mayuri-sama commands, she does. It is as simple as that. It is only afterward, reflecting on the task, that Nemu marvels that she was able to complete it.
Though her status is higher than everyone in her division (save Mayuri-sama), she suffers from the ever-present certainty that she is not as capable as any of the others. This certainty is only affirmed in her mind during vice-captain meetings. In the presence of the other vice-captains she feels like a fraud. She cannot hope to ever be an equal to them—she does not feel she has any right to compare herself to them. They are all so powerful.
She is not strong. It is not a question of doubt—doubt requires the possibility that it could be otherwise. Nemu could never be strong. If she could be strong, then perhaps she could…
…she could…
She can't even think it. She is so weak that she cannot even fathom the idea that she might…might… small be free… /small
No. She is weak. When Mayuri-sama commands her, she is as strong as he demands. For the few moments it is necessary, she is unstoppable. But that is not her own power. That is Mayuri-sama's power. Every tiny bit of strength within Nemu is the product of Mayuri-sama's brilliance. Every weakness, every flaw, is the result of her own weakness, her own flaws.
He is quick to remind her of this as she lies on the floor, struggling to make the room stop spinning.
"Damn you worthless girl!" As an afterthought he adds a kick to her midsection to drive home his point. "Damn you! You're weak! You worthless lump of flesh!" He grabs her by her hair, wrapping her long braid around his fist and hauling her limp body into some semblance of a sitting position with it. His other hand breaks her jaw as his fist connects.
"Fight it! You should not succumb so easily to this poison!"
Nemu strives to do as he orders. She tries to fight, but the room only tilts more, and she feels her stomach rise into her throat as her eyes water with the effort not to throw up.
Mayuri-sama roars in frustration, shoving her away from him with a guttural noise of disgust. "Leave my sight. NOW!" He roars, his spiritual power flaring and almost making her lose control of her stomach.
She struggles to her feet, tumbling out of his office and managing to make it outside before her stomach gives out and releases it's contents. Her throat burns and her gut cramps as it tries to force out what is no longer there. For long moments she can only lie there, struggling to breath, her jaw aching as the angle of her head applies pressure to her broken mandible. She takes several deep breaths, her nose burning from the acid that had been forced through it. With shaky arms she raises herself up, slowly working herself to her feet.
She needs to see Unohana-taichou. She is too weak. She cannot overcome this poison. Mayuri-sama did not order her to seek help from the 4th division, but then again, neither did he forbid her. As her stomach lurches again she decides that she must go to 4th. Mayuri-sama hates it when she is incapable of fulfilling his commands, and in her current state she would not be able to do much.
She does not meet the eyes of the division members she passes as she heads for the gates, struggling only to breathe, eyes on the ground. She's afraid that if she looks up the world may decide to tilt upside down again.
She's sweating by the time she makes it to her division's gate, and her muscles are beginning to cramp. She tries to detach herself from her body, tries to do as Mayuri-sama effortlessly does when studying the effects of his latest creations. She tries to objectively analyze her body's response, tries to note every idiosyncratic effect.
Halfway between the 11th and 12th division's gates she collapses, the muscles of her legs rigid with tension. She does not cry out as she hits the ground, her hands absorbing most of the impact, the vibration jarring her broken jaw uncomfortably.
"Oy!" Heavy footsteps reverberate through the ground and before she can fully comprehend what is going on, rough hands that are nevertheless surprisingly gentle lift her from her prone position. She tries to get her feet under her and fails—muscles that were tense are now liquid in her flesh, and will not support her. Her knees buckle and the world begins to rock around her. Her stomach lurches in anticipation and sweat slides down the back of her neck.
Her silence prevents her from making a sound.
"Hey, are you okay?" Pale brown eyes that see entirely too much in too short a time quickly decide that he does not need to wait for an answer. "No, you're not. Com'on." And with a deft movement that leaves her silent for a wholly new reason the bald shinigami picks her up, hooking a powerfully veined arm under her knees and cradling her against his chest.
"What happened to you? You don't look so hot. I mean, not that you're not attractive, what I mean to say is that you look a little sick, you know?"
It's not his babbling that makes her eyes widen. She doubts she's even really hearing his words. What sends those strange waves of shock through her is the fact that she hears him. She hears him more clearly than she's ever heard anyone. Even Mayuri-sama's voice dulls and fades in comparison to his voice. His voice does not just stimulate her ears—it moves through her entire body, it shatters the silence around her as if he were merely stabbing through thin glass. It sheds her shroud, destroys it completely, leaving nothing of it to remain cloaked around her.
She hears him.
He's still speaking as he jogs past the 10th, 9th, 8th, and 7th gates, his hold keeping his pace from jostling her overmuch. Still, she presses her head against his shoulder and closes her eyes, the world having decided again to start it's unnatural dance. She swallows, pressing her lips together, the dull pain in her jaw only adding to her nausea. She wants to thank him for his help. She wants to tell him that he did not have to help her. She wants to tell him how much it means to merely hear his voice.
She says nothing as he delivers her to Unohana-taichou, concentrating instead on not throwing up. When she regains control of her body she looks back to murmur her thanks—she knows her voice will work now. The silence that pinned it back is broken, and she wants him to be the first person to hear her unfettered voice.
He's already gone.
She tries to ignore her disappointment as she lies down, tries to hide the fact that she's remembering his voice as she's tended to. And when she is finally alone again, when she stares at the darkness that night, listening to the alien sounds of the 4th division, she thinks about him. She marvels at his strength. The strength of his body, which brought her to the 4th division with barely a pause in his step. The strength of his spirit, so easily felt and without the stifling presence that characterizes Mayuri-sama's spirit. The strength of his soul, for being compassionate and helping a person he knows only in passing.
The strength of his soul, rending her silence and freeing her voice. With only a few words he'd released a great pressure within Nemu, one she hadn't consciously been aware of.
In the darkness of the 4th division, she smiles as she thinks of him, and decides that she will try to be strong for someone other than Mayuri-sama. Perhaps she should try to be strong for herself. And then, one day, she may even try to be strong for him, to pay him back for the strength he's given her.