A/N - I don't own Foaly. I don't own any Artemis Fowl character. But I love them, so I decided to write this. Enjoy, rate, print it off and burn it, I don't really mind as long as you read it.
The Secret Diary of Foaly the Centaur - Part Two: Tribunals, awards and Office Fun
Thursday 11th May 2006
Sool finally found the place where I hid the contents of his office. It was a great laugh watching him trying to drag his stuff up the stairs, Trouble Kelp went over to Sool, and asked him if he wanted some help, Sool said yes, and then Trouble turned and said "Does anyone want to help Commander Sool?" Nobody answered, so he turned and said "Sorry, can't say I didn't try…" and walked off.
He finally managed to get all his stuff back to his office, and whilst he was dragging the last potted plant up the stairs, I covered his room in hoof-moisturiser, and wrote another little note saying:
You may have won the battle, but the war will be mine! You better watch your back, because when you turn around, Loafy will be there, ready with a fresh pot of hoof-cream!
Yours sincerely,
Loafy the Taurcen
The look on Sool's face was priceless, I can tell you now.
Saturday 13th May 2006
I used my day off to go and visit Holly at her PI Building. It was a luscious, grand six story building… oh, no, that was the building next door. They were in a not so luscious, two story building, with a flashing neon sign saying "PI's for Hire." Honestly. It looked like a sleazy, Mud People bar, but I wasn't about to say that to Holly.
Mulch was sitting behind the desk when I entered the building, playing with his beard hair, and he only looked up when I slammed my hands down on the desk and roared "Whatcha doing, convict?" He jumped out of his chair and released some dwarf gas, propelling himself to the sealing, where he held onto a tatty chandelier, looking extremely frightened.
It was at this point that Holly came in. "Foaly!" she cried, rapping her arms around my neck, and just as I was about to shrivel up and die from lack of oxygen, she let me go. "What're you doing here?" She asked, as Mulch dropped down from the ceiling.
"You could just say hello…" He murmured, obviously annoyed.
"Nah," I began, "I like seeing you when you're scared, one day, you may pee your pants."
"Not likely…" Mulch muttered, dropping his gaze from mine. It was at this point that Holly winked at me, and mouthed he's lying.
Holly led me into her office and shut the door. "Business has been slow; we've only had three cases. One turned out to be another dwarf that claimed he had his foot stolen. It turned out it was just really hairy. And there was this Goblin that lost his TV controller. After a week of investigating, we found out that he didn't even own a TV."
"And the third," I asked.
"That's the funny thing… it's about you."
"Really?"
"Yep, turns out that Sool hired an investigator to dig up some dirt on you. This investigator found out I used to work with you, and hired me, to find something for him, to give to Sool."
"Tell him I like it when people give me two extra digits on my budget, and when people refer to me as Loafy." I chuckled as Holly gave me a strange look, but she asked no further. "Anyway, I have to go, make sure you say that to Sool's investigator."
"Foaly, make sure you come and see me again, ok?" I nodded as I stood up. She showed me to the door and waved as I trotted up the street.
Sunday 14th May 2006
I spent most of the day updating my website, www.horsense.gnom, but nobody knows I run it. I added some information on Artemis Fowl, a new page about Time Travel, some song lyrics about Opal Koboi that degrade her in some way. This is the most recent song I've written about that evil, evil Pixie.
One day,
She thought,
That she could be,
A smarter fairy than me,
She was wrong,
I'm glad to say,
She's now behind bars,
But not far away,
Her patents suck,
They never work,
Her inventions are worse,
And she's such a jerk,
If I could,
I'd dance for her,
Whilst chanting,
'You suck, nur nur nur,'
One day,
She thought,
That she could be,
A smarter fairy than me.
I was never much of a poet, as you can see, and plus I wrote the originals in Centaurian, and translated it into Gnommish for this diary, so some of it could have been miss-translated, though I doubt it. Hopefully I'll be dead, or frozen in some way which I'll never wake up before anybody reads this. It would surely be the end of me if those tight, paranoid pixies at the LEP found out about it. Though, I'm a fine example of paranoid, I sit in a dingy little one-way office, with over a hundred security features and a cool swirly chair. I even do laps of the room in that chair… good times…
Monday 15th May 2006
Today is the greatest day in prank history.
The day started as usual. I went into the office, except today there was a pixie in a brown leather jacket in Sool's office, who I could only presume was his Private Investigator. They talked for a minute, and then Sool looked at me for a second. The PI said a few more words and then slammed his fist down on the table. He began shouting, "Two-digits? Loafy? Get the hell out of my office, you moron!" The PI hurriedly walked out of the office, avoiding the staring eyes of the LEP Officers. Sool gave me one last, piercing glare and slammed the door shut.
The day, surprisingly, passed quite quickly. Before I knew it, the awards ceremony was upon us.
It began as usual, "This commander will be awarded this award for blah blah blah…" now, for the interesting bit, "Unfortunately, Trouble Kelp could not be here to present this award to Commander Sool," Even though everyone knew Trouble was hiding in a supply cupboard, listening to every word, "so Foaly will do the honours."
Sool paled, but stepped up onto the podium where I stood, waiting, with a large, evil grin upon my mug.
"Sool… now what can I say about this elf…" I began, dragging the words out for full effect, "I could say that he is a fantastic leader, an asset to this department, and an even better commander than Julius Root himself… but I'm not going to say that. I'm going to say…" I drew breath, glancing at Sool's green coloured complexion. The guy looked like he was about to vomit, "Sool is a tight, obnoxious, selfish, ignorant pig, who bathes in hoof-cream, and couldn't tell one Dwarf from his behind."
Sool didn't say a word. He simply stepped down, with his head looking at the floor, and slumped away in embarrassment to his office.
I felt guilty, at that moment. I felt genuinely guilty. That was, until the Commander turned, and with a very red face, he said "Julius Root was a complete and utter fool. And, for what you just did, pony-boy, I'm going to make sure you get booted off the LEP and dumped into the Arctic. You worthless, little smart-alec donkey."
Needless to say, I gave Sool the two-finger salute, whilst the other officers looked at him with sheer hatred.
Tuesday 16th May 2006
I wasn't really worried at all about what Sool would do. I was on the favourite list of the majority of the council, and I think Wing Commander Vinyaya has a crush on me, so I'm safe for now.
I entered the office looking very pleased. And when I heard that Sool was at a council meeting, I almost laughed with joy. I think it was time for a bit of office rearrangement.
I went into his office with my toolbox, and I pulled out my screwdriver.
An hour later, I emerged, and Trouble immediately came up to me and asked me what I had done. I told him to look for himself. He peered inside of Sool's office and burst out laughing
I had taken apart everything in his office and constructed a message on the wall out of his supplies saying:
Loafy: 1
Sool: 0
Check and mate. My game, Sool. The war has ended, and Sergeant Loafy stands victorious.
Yours sincerely,
Loafy the Taurcen.
I tell you now, this would never get old. Sool didn't return to his office for the rest of the day, apparently he had taken it off to work on some reports in private. I couldn't wait until tomorrow.