[u]Part 29[/u]
Liz sat in the passenger seat of the Jeep, enjoying the sensation of the wind in her hair. She was surprisingly calm, considering it was entirely likely they were driving into a trap. But since she had woken up in her bed next to Max, all seemed right with her world. She felt extraordinarily upbeat, as though all the answers to their numerous questions were only just beyond their reach, but that she and Max, together, would find them.
Of course, this new optimism didn't mean that she wasn't aware that he was keeping something from her.
Since acknowledging that she was Rowena, since that flash of memory they had both experienced when they had been kissing on her bed and they had made each other glow, she was more in tune with everything about him. She was pretty sure he felt the same way. It was why he had known when to comfort her and when to let her stand alone during the conversation with Michael, Maria and Kyle in her living room. She was also almost positive that, unlike her, he wasn't yet consciously aware of the new intensity of their connection.
If he was, he certainly wouldn't be lying to her. Liz was surprised to find that she wasn't angry at him for it. He was Max. He worried and he tried to take the world's problems onto his shoulders. It was just the way he was. If loving him and being with him meant that she had to remind him that he wasn't allowed to do it every once in a while, while it was a price she would gladly pay.
She knew that she had to confront him before they got to the pod chamber though, which was why she had asked the others if she could ride with Max alone. Michael had seemed on the verge of protesting, his likely arguments that they were safer together valid, but when he had seen the determined line of Liz's mouth, he relented, pretending that he had always thought it was a good idea that they have two vehicles at their disposal. Liz and Maria had exchanged an amused glance, but no one commented. And, so, Michael, Kyle and Maria were bringing up the rear in the Jetta while Liz tried to figure out the way best to broach the subject with Max.
She knew he was going to be a little freaked out that she was onto him. She was a little freaked out too if she was honest with herself. It wasn't like she could read his mind. She just felt what [I]he[/I] felt more clearly than she ever had before. And she had felt the resolve that had run through him when she had taken his hand to leave her parents' apartment and somehow she had understood what he was planning. It wasn't completely explicable yet, maybe never would be, but it just [I]was[/I].
"You're awfully quiet," Max commented, his voice slightly raised to be heard over the breeze. He reached out, gently ran a hand down her hair. Liz shivered slightly, reveled in the feel of his fingers dancing through the strands. She wondered if she'd ever tire of the way he made her feel, tire of how every touch sent an electrical charge surging through her veins. She doubted it. It just seemed to become more intense with time. It couldn't all be attributed to their past lives either. She somehow knew that it also had a great deal to do with the fact that he was just Max and she adored him, had done so since long before she had ever even heard of his destiny. That hers was now officially entwined with his.well, it just made it better.
Liz decided that since he had brought it up, she might as well just grab the bull by the horns, so to speak. She knew he was going to be stubborn about whatever it was he was planning, because she also knew that the only possible reason he could have for lying was that he was going to do something ridiculous in an attempt to keep the rest of them safe. She wondered how many more of them would have to be kidnapped before it dawned on him that they were all in this together, that it couldn't just be about him anymore. He had to accept that he hadn't [I]done[/I] any of this to them, hadn't put them in danger. They were all in danger anyway. He could not save them. He had to learn to let them save themselves.
She knew Max and she knew that unless she got through to him about this, they were doomed to fail. In the end, wasn't this side of Max's character what Future Max's visit had been about? It had been his attempt to save them all, damning the consequences to himself. He really hadn't changed all that much at all, that future version of the boy she loved. He always tried to put everyone else first and, this time, Liz would not allow it. Because, in [I]her[/I] world, [I]he[/I] came first, which was why she had helped Future Max in the first place. It was all confusing and messed up and she and Max had to end it [I]now[/I]. They needed to be on the same page or they were going to end up exactly where that other Max and Liz had.
Somehow she knew that things were not necessarily better in this time-line. The fact that Serena had existed in Future Max's world meant that the other Liz and Max must have known something about who they really were to each other. Which meant that just because they had found out about Serena and the occupants of the other pods didn't mean that they had changed things enough. They needed to work together to figure it all out, but first Max was going to have to accept that she was just as much a part of this as he was.
Starting now.
"I'm just wondering what excuse you gave yourself about why it's okay for [I]you[/I] to keep things from the rest of us, when you made all of us promise we wouldn't do that," Liz replied quietly. She tried to impress on him that she wasn't angry, just aware, and that she wanted to know the truth.
There was a long silence. She turned her head and looked at him, could see that his face had gone white. She almost smiled. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that she would have eventually seen through him anyway, with or without the new intensity of their bond. Once upon a time, Liz had found Max difficult to read, but since he had healed her, the mystery surrounding him had become easier to decipher. Since knowing that loving her was the centre of his universe, it really wasn't that hard to figure out what he was thinking in any given situation. It was why she had been able to affect him so negatively by pretending to sleep with Kyle and it was why she knew she was going to get her answers now.
"I'm not mad," Liz finally told him. "I just wanted you to know that I'm aware of it."
"Liz."
"Max, just tell me," she sighed. "I swear I'm not mad."
"Do you understand that I have to do whatever it takes to get Isabel back?" He asked, beginning to sound a bit upset. It reminded her of the time he blew up at her in the Crashdown when he had been worried that his mother was onto he and Isabel. He wasn't really angry, just frustrated and feeling helpless. She certainly understood it. It was one of the things they most had in common after all, that need to be in control. It was why she had screamed when she first realized that Will was telling her the truth about who she was. Because with that realization had come the knowledge that the one founding principle of her existence - that she was Liz Parker, human - had been torn away from her and along with it, her control over her own destiny.
She was coming to terms with the fact that maybe destiny wasn't the worst thing in the world. If she got to be with Max, then, in fact, it was pretty damn great. But Max hadn't really accepted that yet. He still felt trapped by it, felt that he was, in fact, inflicting in on her as well. That she wouldn't have loved him if it wasn't for destiny.
Liz knew that it was the most ridiculous thing in the world. She had loved him before she knew who Rowena was. For her, destiny was just a confirmation that they belonged together. It was the rubber stamp, not the contract. They got to [I]write[/I] the contract, got to decide what being Zan and Rowena meant for them.
They [I]were[/I] in control. They were getting exactly what they wanted. The final answers about why would all be just a bonus.
"I do," Liz replied now, sad that he truly still believed that he was less valuable than any of the rest of them. "Do [I]you[/I] understand that if I lose you again, I will lose myself?"
"What?" His tone was slightly peevish, like she was being silly, as though she couldn't possibly love him as much as he loved her, as much as he loved the rest of them.
She took a deep breath, trying not to let her growing irritation take over. "Do you think that you have the exclusive rights on wanting to protect the people you love Max? Because you don't."
"Liz."
"No, let me finish," Liz ordered. "You're planning to try and trade yourself for Isabel, aren't you?"
"I never said."
"Max, please. I'm not stupid and I [I]know[/I] you." Liz glared at him. His eyes were fixed on the road. He was obviously refusing to look at her, didn't want to see the truth of what she was saying to him written on her face. Because if he finally understood just how important he was, and not just because he was Zan, King of Antar, but because he was Max Evans, of planet Earth, well-loved in spite of himself, he would not be able to hate himself any longer.
Finally, this was the crux of the matter. He had grown up not knowing who he was, scared of betrayal and what would happen to him if he were discovered. His worst nightmares had come true after he had healed her in the Crashdown. The sheriff had hunted him for months and, then, even worse, Agent Pierce had tortured him in the White Room, bringing all of his fears to vivid life. The only thing that had kept him sane through all of that was the fact that he was beginning to understand that she loved him. That someone, [I]anyone[/I], loved him. And, then, she had ripped that away from him as well, first by walking away from him at the pod chamber and then even more drastically only a few weeks ago because Future Max had asked her to.
"You are going to have to accept that you are just as valuable to me as I am to you." Liz found that she was no longer angry at all, just sad, but also determined that he would finally get it. "I love you. You may think that because you've loved me longer, you win, that you have more right to protect me, but that's not fair. And it's not true. Because how was I ever given the chance to love you? You never let anyone in."
"Liz."
"I'm not done," Liz interrupted him again. "I also don't want you to start convincing yourself that I had no choice but to love you because of who we both are. Who the hell cares anyway? We could have been two worms in love in our past lives and it wouldn't make a shred of difference because the facts are the facts. I love you. It's the simplest thing in the world and it's the most complicated and, yeah, weird, there's a lot of past baggage, but even if the past baggage didn't exist, I would [I]still[/I] love you. Love is. You can't stop it, you can't control it and you can't decide who's love means more. That's all there is to it. And if you think you're giving yourself up, for Isabel, for me, for [I]anyone[/I], then you are really messed up in the head. Because I know for a fact that Isabel wouldn't want that. I saw her when you were in the White Room Max. You didn't. And no one else will let you do it either."
"Are you done?" Max asked tentatively after Liz had stopped talking, finally having run out of steam.
She thought about it for a moment. "I think so, yes," she said, folding her arms over her chest. She realized that she wasn't breathing altogether easily so she concentrated on taking even breaths.
"Okay then," Max continued. "I.I don't quite know what to say to all of that."
Liz looked at him sharply. She was momentarily convinced that he sounded amused, but the expression on his face was entirely serious. "Well, I don't care what you say. Just say [I]something[/I]."
"I can only think of one thing," Max admitted. "I'm sorry, you're right and I love you too." His voice softened on the last bit, making Liz's heart beat faster.
"That was three things," she told him, reaching out and taking the hand that wasn't on the steering wheel. "And you didn't say I'll never do it again. Nor did you deny that it was what you were planning."
"I can't deny it," Max sighed. "And I [I]am[/I]sorry. I guess. I guess when I think of the people I love suffering, any physical torture that might be inflicted on me seems a lot easier than the way it feels knowing that it's happening to anyone else. I know it's not fair and it's actually kind of selfish. I never thought of it that way before, but you're right. I was thinking of myself and what would make [I]me[/I] feel better."
"And it does you credit Max," Liz insisted. "I can't blame you for loving us and wanting to protect us. But I [I]can[/I] blame you for not understanding that protecting yourself [I]for[/I] us has to be just as big a priority."
"Says the person who went marching into the enemy's camp determined to spy for us." Max was now certainly amused, but Liz wasn't annoyed this time. "Which I still can't believe I let you do by the way."
"You had no choice Max, first of all," Liz retorted. "Second of all, it proves that you [I]can[/I] be reasonable and can understand that sometimes you have to let other people do things. And third of all, they [I]weren't[/I] our enemies. They [I]aren't[/I]. And you knew it even then."
"I guess I did." She looked at him. He had turned his head, was smiling at her. The loving way he did it sent another shiver through her. "I am sorry," he repeated. "I promise to try not to do it again."
Liz frowned. "Try?"
"If I promised more than that, I'd be lying," Max admitted sheepishly. "Sometimes I do it without thinking. Like when I healed you. I can't change who I am Liz. I can try and make it so that I think a little before I act, but I can't totally change."
She stared at him, then smiled too. "I know." She removed her seat-belt, climbed closer to him and kissed him on the cheek. "And I wouldn't want you to change completely. But we are agreed though? You're not going to try and trade yourself?"
"We're agreed," Max replied. Liz settled back in her seat, continued looking at him though, trying to detect a glimmer of regret or deceit on his face. She saw none.
"Good. So what's the new plan then?"
Max shrugged, sighing. "I wish I could say that I had a better one then to wait for them to find us, but I don't. I won't really hand over the granolith until I totally understand what it is."
"Didn't you tell Michael you would?" Liz asked, a bit confused.
Max glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, one eyebrow raised. "How did you know that?"
"Well, I might have overheard you," Liz replied, feeling a bit embarrassed. "Kyle was still on the phone! I can't help it if you were talking loudly." She exclaimed, although she knew it wasn't really a justification for eavesdropping. Nor had they been speaking particularly loudly if she was honest with herself.
"I did tell him that," Max said, not sounding angry, only amused again. "But I just really don't think we can give it up without knowing what it is. I mean, what if it's some kind of super weapon or something? It sort of looks like that. I really just have no clue."
"I hate not having a real plan," Liz told him after a few moments of silence as she mulled this over. "Don't get me wrong. I think you're right that they - whoever [I]they[/I] are - can't have the granolith. But what's to stop them from just killing us all when they understand we're not going to give it to them?"
"They don't know where it is," Max reminded her. "They need at least one of us alive to tell them. And they have to know that if they really hurt any of us, the others won't ever tell them." There was a pause. Liz could almost hear the wheels turning in his head. "I just feel that this is about more than the granolith anyway."
"How so?"
"The fact that we were separated from Will and the others," Max said pensively. "Whoever said it.I can't remember who it was, but I think they were right. We were all sent in that ship together. Whatever our past relationships, we were meant to work together this time. But someone has taken great pains to make sure that doesn't happen. They've been fed lies about us, or at least lies about what we're like this time around."
"Max, you don't still think that Zan was evil?" Liz demanded, understanding immediately why he had modified his last statement.
"I.I don't know," he replied. "I don't [I]think[/I] so. I mean, if we're right and Zan and Rowena were together, I can't see that he was totally bad.
"He couldn't have started that way," Liz reminded him. "Didn't you get from Kate in that connection that he changed?"
"Yeah. I just don't know!" The last was practically a wail of frustration. "God. I wish that there was someone around who had [I]been[/I] there, someone impartial like Courtney who could at least give us [I]their[/I] version of the truth."
"Why do you think Nasedo kept all the information about who we really are from us?" Liz asked him, having reached out to squeeze his hand reassuringly again. His thumb was running lightly over her palm, distracting her slightly, but obviously serving to calm him down.
"I really don't think he knew who you were," Max told her. "He didn't really have much time to tell us anything before he died either. He was in Washington taking care of disbanding the Special Unit for all those months and, then, he was killed so quickly after coming back to Roswell. I also think he wanted us to remember on our own."
"Which means that you [I]can[/I] remember." Liz frowned thoughtfully. "But [I]how[/I]?"
"I've been thinking about that," Max replied. "I think we need to find our talismans. Like Serena's scarf. We all must have one. Serena told me that if you were really her, you wouldn't forget being her when the scarf was removed."
"But I did because I'm [I]not[/I] Serena," Liz picked up his train of thought. "I'm Rowena. So you think that maybe we need our talismans to activate our memories, but then after that we won't."
"Maybe," Max said. "The problem is that, I don't want to be taken over by any talisman. Until we can be sure that we won't be possessed like you were, that we won't forget who we are now, we can't use them."
Liz sighed. "I guess it never crossed the minds of the people cloning us that we would [I]want[/I] to remember who we are now."
"Probably not. But we can't know that for sure either. Don't forget that Will and Kate have more memories than we do. Didn't you tell me that Will told you that they came out of their pods when they were about ten?"
"Yes. So you think that if you'd all been in your pods longer, you might have more natural memories."
"Right." Max shook his head slightly. "It's all just speculation though. I don't know that we'll ever really know anything. And at this point it doesn't really matter either. All I care about right now is making sure that Izzy and Alex are okay."
"And Will and Kate," Liz said firmly. "Max, they're part of this now too."
"I know." She saw Max quirk a grin in her direction. "Kate anyway."
"Max!"
"What? I'm just being honest!"
Liz stared at him. He was still smiling, as though he was teasing her, but Liz could see his underlying concern. "You have absolutely nothing to worry about where Will is concerned," she reassured him gently. "Max, I might have been drawn to him, but I [I]never[/I], not for an instant, stopped thinking about you when it was happening. My main concern through the whole thing was how it was going to hurt you."
"It's not [I]you[/I] I'm worried about Liz," Max replied firmly. "It's [I]him[/I]. He really believes that you and he are meant to be together. If we don't find Serena, if we don't find a way for her to tell him the truth without him freaking out.well, it could still get ugly. He may [I]not[/I] believe her."
"Then we'll just have to make sure he does."
Max grinned at her. "Liz, you don't get it, do you? No guy in their right mind would ever give up a chance to be with you without a fight. Didn't I prove that clearly enough earlier this fall? I sang under your balcony for God's sake." Liz smiled slightly to herself at the memory. It warmed her heart even more that the tips of his ears were turning red at the though. It had been difficult for Max to serenade her, it practically going against everything that made him [I]Max[/I], but he had done it anyway. For her. "He is [I]not[/I] going to be easy to convince," Max was saying, obviously trying to get off the topic entirely.
"Be that as it may," Liz said. "It can't matter right now. We have to make sure that he's alive to [I]be[/I] convinced." She turned her face forward, felt her heart beginning to beat more quickly. They had reached the point in the high-way where they turned off to head for the pod chamber. "I hope this works Max."
"Me too." He squeezed her hand again, bringing it to his lips and kissing it.
They didn't say anything else until the cliffs came into sight, just enjoying the last few moments alone in safety.
"Tess is here." Liz spoke into the silence after recognizing Tess's SUV parked near the rocks. She lowered her eyes, sighing, then grimaced, hoped Max hadn't heard.
Really, it was only a natural instinct. She realized that, for once, thinking of the blonde girl hadn't either made her sad or set her blood boiling. She knew that Tess had not necessarily given up her claim to Max, but also knew that her rival had promised not to leave town. What the meant in the long-run, Liz wasn't sure, but what it did mean now was that Tess was on their side and it was important to make sure she was safe too. Keeping her in Roswell would serve little purpose if they let her get killed instead.
"Shit."
The word was so sudden and so unlike Max, Liz's head snapped up and she stared at him. They were pulling to a stop beside Tess's vehicle. She glanced behind them, saw the Jetta only a few moments behind. "What?" She looked around, couldn't see anything amiss.
"They beat us here." Max's tone was grim as he swung out of the Jeep and hurried towards Tess's car. Liz still couldn't see anything wrong. It was only when he started to move past it that she noticed the small foot peeking out from in front of the SUV.
Liz's blood ran cold, knowing that it could only be one person.
Tess.
To be continued.
Liz sat in the passenger seat of the Jeep, enjoying the sensation of the wind in her hair. She was surprisingly calm, considering it was entirely likely they were driving into a trap. But since she had woken up in her bed next to Max, all seemed right with her world. She felt extraordinarily upbeat, as though all the answers to their numerous questions were only just beyond their reach, but that she and Max, together, would find them.
Of course, this new optimism didn't mean that she wasn't aware that he was keeping something from her.
Since acknowledging that she was Rowena, since that flash of memory they had both experienced when they had been kissing on her bed and they had made each other glow, she was more in tune with everything about him. She was pretty sure he felt the same way. It was why he had known when to comfort her and when to let her stand alone during the conversation with Michael, Maria and Kyle in her living room. She was also almost positive that, unlike her, he wasn't yet consciously aware of the new intensity of their connection.
If he was, he certainly wouldn't be lying to her. Liz was surprised to find that she wasn't angry at him for it. He was Max. He worried and he tried to take the world's problems onto his shoulders. It was just the way he was. If loving him and being with him meant that she had to remind him that he wasn't allowed to do it every once in a while, while it was a price she would gladly pay.
She knew that she had to confront him before they got to the pod chamber though, which was why she had asked the others if she could ride with Max alone. Michael had seemed on the verge of protesting, his likely arguments that they were safer together valid, but when he had seen the determined line of Liz's mouth, he relented, pretending that he had always thought it was a good idea that they have two vehicles at their disposal. Liz and Maria had exchanged an amused glance, but no one commented. And, so, Michael, Kyle and Maria were bringing up the rear in the Jetta while Liz tried to figure out the way best to broach the subject with Max.
She knew he was going to be a little freaked out that she was onto him. She was a little freaked out too if she was honest with herself. It wasn't like she could read his mind. She just felt what [I]he[/I] felt more clearly than she ever had before. And she had felt the resolve that had run through him when she had taken his hand to leave her parents' apartment and somehow she had understood what he was planning. It wasn't completely explicable yet, maybe never would be, but it just [I]was[/I].
"You're awfully quiet," Max commented, his voice slightly raised to be heard over the breeze. He reached out, gently ran a hand down her hair. Liz shivered slightly, reveled in the feel of his fingers dancing through the strands. She wondered if she'd ever tire of the way he made her feel, tire of how every touch sent an electrical charge surging through her veins. She doubted it. It just seemed to become more intense with time. It couldn't all be attributed to their past lives either. She somehow knew that it also had a great deal to do with the fact that he was just Max and she adored him, had done so since long before she had ever even heard of his destiny. That hers was now officially entwined with his.well, it just made it better.
Liz decided that since he had brought it up, she might as well just grab the bull by the horns, so to speak. She knew he was going to be stubborn about whatever it was he was planning, because she also knew that the only possible reason he could have for lying was that he was going to do something ridiculous in an attempt to keep the rest of them safe. She wondered how many more of them would have to be kidnapped before it dawned on him that they were all in this together, that it couldn't just be about him anymore. He had to accept that he hadn't [I]done[/I] any of this to them, hadn't put them in danger. They were all in danger anyway. He could not save them. He had to learn to let them save themselves.
She knew Max and she knew that unless she got through to him about this, they were doomed to fail. In the end, wasn't this side of Max's character what Future Max's visit had been about? It had been his attempt to save them all, damning the consequences to himself. He really hadn't changed all that much at all, that future version of the boy she loved. He always tried to put everyone else first and, this time, Liz would not allow it. Because, in [I]her[/I] world, [I]he[/I] came first, which was why she had helped Future Max in the first place. It was all confusing and messed up and she and Max had to end it [I]now[/I]. They needed to be on the same page or they were going to end up exactly where that other Max and Liz had.
Somehow she knew that things were not necessarily better in this time-line. The fact that Serena had existed in Future Max's world meant that the other Liz and Max must have known something about who they really were to each other. Which meant that just because they had found out about Serena and the occupants of the other pods didn't mean that they had changed things enough. They needed to work together to figure it all out, but first Max was going to have to accept that she was just as much a part of this as he was.
Starting now.
"I'm just wondering what excuse you gave yourself about why it's okay for [I]you[/I] to keep things from the rest of us, when you made all of us promise we wouldn't do that," Liz replied quietly. She tried to impress on him that she wasn't angry, just aware, and that she wanted to know the truth.
There was a long silence. She turned her head and looked at him, could see that his face had gone white. She almost smiled. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that she would have eventually seen through him anyway, with or without the new intensity of their bond. Once upon a time, Liz had found Max difficult to read, but since he had healed her, the mystery surrounding him had become easier to decipher. Since knowing that loving her was the centre of his universe, it really wasn't that hard to figure out what he was thinking in any given situation. It was why she had been able to affect him so negatively by pretending to sleep with Kyle and it was why she knew she was going to get her answers now.
"I'm not mad," Liz finally told him. "I just wanted you to know that I'm aware of it."
"Liz."
"Max, just tell me," she sighed. "I swear I'm not mad."
"Do you understand that I have to do whatever it takes to get Isabel back?" He asked, beginning to sound a bit upset. It reminded her of the time he blew up at her in the Crashdown when he had been worried that his mother was onto he and Isabel. He wasn't really angry, just frustrated and feeling helpless. She certainly understood it. It was one of the things they most had in common after all, that need to be in control. It was why she had screamed when she first realized that Will was telling her the truth about who she was. Because with that realization had come the knowledge that the one founding principle of her existence - that she was Liz Parker, human - had been torn away from her and along with it, her control over her own destiny.
She was coming to terms with the fact that maybe destiny wasn't the worst thing in the world. If she got to be with Max, then, in fact, it was pretty damn great. But Max hadn't really accepted that yet. He still felt trapped by it, felt that he was, in fact, inflicting in on her as well. That she wouldn't have loved him if it wasn't for destiny.
Liz knew that it was the most ridiculous thing in the world. She had loved him before she knew who Rowena was. For her, destiny was just a confirmation that they belonged together. It was the rubber stamp, not the contract. They got to [I]write[/I] the contract, got to decide what being Zan and Rowena meant for them.
They [I]were[/I] in control. They were getting exactly what they wanted. The final answers about why would all be just a bonus.
"I do," Liz replied now, sad that he truly still believed that he was less valuable than any of the rest of them. "Do [I]you[/I] understand that if I lose you again, I will lose myself?"
"What?" His tone was slightly peevish, like she was being silly, as though she couldn't possibly love him as much as he loved her, as much as he loved the rest of them.
She took a deep breath, trying not to let her growing irritation take over. "Do you think that you have the exclusive rights on wanting to protect the people you love Max? Because you don't."
"Liz."
"No, let me finish," Liz ordered. "You're planning to try and trade yourself for Isabel, aren't you?"
"I never said."
"Max, please. I'm not stupid and I [I]know[/I] you." Liz glared at him. His eyes were fixed on the road. He was obviously refusing to look at her, didn't want to see the truth of what she was saying to him written on her face. Because if he finally understood just how important he was, and not just because he was Zan, King of Antar, but because he was Max Evans, of planet Earth, well-loved in spite of himself, he would not be able to hate himself any longer.
Finally, this was the crux of the matter. He had grown up not knowing who he was, scared of betrayal and what would happen to him if he were discovered. His worst nightmares had come true after he had healed her in the Crashdown. The sheriff had hunted him for months and, then, even worse, Agent Pierce had tortured him in the White Room, bringing all of his fears to vivid life. The only thing that had kept him sane through all of that was the fact that he was beginning to understand that she loved him. That someone, [I]anyone[/I], loved him. And, then, she had ripped that away from him as well, first by walking away from him at the pod chamber and then even more drastically only a few weeks ago because Future Max had asked her to.
"You are going to have to accept that you are just as valuable to me as I am to you." Liz found that she was no longer angry at all, just sad, but also determined that he would finally get it. "I love you. You may think that because you've loved me longer, you win, that you have more right to protect me, but that's not fair. And it's not true. Because how was I ever given the chance to love you? You never let anyone in."
"Liz."
"I'm not done," Liz interrupted him again. "I also don't want you to start convincing yourself that I had no choice but to love you because of who we both are. Who the hell cares anyway? We could have been two worms in love in our past lives and it wouldn't make a shred of difference because the facts are the facts. I love you. It's the simplest thing in the world and it's the most complicated and, yeah, weird, there's a lot of past baggage, but even if the past baggage didn't exist, I would [I]still[/I] love you. Love is. You can't stop it, you can't control it and you can't decide who's love means more. That's all there is to it. And if you think you're giving yourself up, for Isabel, for me, for [I]anyone[/I], then you are really messed up in the head. Because I know for a fact that Isabel wouldn't want that. I saw her when you were in the White Room Max. You didn't. And no one else will let you do it either."
"Are you done?" Max asked tentatively after Liz had stopped talking, finally having run out of steam.
She thought about it for a moment. "I think so, yes," she said, folding her arms over her chest. She realized that she wasn't breathing altogether easily so she concentrated on taking even breaths.
"Okay then," Max continued. "I.I don't quite know what to say to all of that."
Liz looked at him sharply. She was momentarily convinced that he sounded amused, but the expression on his face was entirely serious. "Well, I don't care what you say. Just say [I]something[/I]."
"I can only think of one thing," Max admitted. "I'm sorry, you're right and I love you too." His voice softened on the last bit, making Liz's heart beat faster.
"That was three things," she told him, reaching out and taking the hand that wasn't on the steering wheel. "And you didn't say I'll never do it again. Nor did you deny that it was what you were planning."
"I can't deny it," Max sighed. "And I [I]am[/I]sorry. I guess. I guess when I think of the people I love suffering, any physical torture that might be inflicted on me seems a lot easier than the way it feels knowing that it's happening to anyone else. I know it's not fair and it's actually kind of selfish. I never thought of it that way before, but you're right. I was thinking of myself and what would make [I]me[/I] feel better."
"And it does you credit Max," Liz insisted. "I can't blame you for loving us and wanting to protect us. But I [I]can[/I] blame you for not understanding that protecting yourself [I]for[/I] us has to be just as big a priority."
"Says the person who went marching into the enemy's camp determined to spy for us." Max was now certainly amused, but Liz wasn't annoyed this time. "Which I still can't believe I let you do by the way."
"You had no choice Max, first of all," Liz retorted. "Second of all, it proves that you [I]can[/I] be reasonable and can understand that sometimes you have to let other people do things. And third of all, they [I]weren't[/I] our enemies. They [I]aren't[/I]. And you knew it even then."
"I guess I did." She looked at him. He had turned his head, was smiling at her. The loving way he did it sent another shiver through her. "I am sorry," he repeated. "I promise to try not to do it again."
Liz frowned. "Try?"
"If I promised more than that, I'd be lying," Max admitted sheepishly. "Sometimes I do it without thinking. Like when I healed you. I can't change who I am Liz. I can try and make it so that I think a little before I act, but I can't totally change."
She stared at him, then smiled too. "I know." She removed her seat-belt, climbed closer to him and kissed him on the cheek. "And I wouldn't want you to change completely. But we are agreed though? You're not going to try and trade yourself?"
"We're agreed," Max replied. Liz settled back in her seat, continued looking at him though, trying to detect a glimmer of regret or deceit on his face. She saw none.
"Good. So what's the new plan then?"
Max shrugged, sighing. "I wish I could say that I had a better one then to wait for them to find us, but I don't. I won't really hand over the granolith until I totally understand what it is."
"Didn't you tell Michael you would?" Liz asked, a bit confused.
Max glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, one eyebrow raised. "How did you know that?"
"Well, I might have overheard you," Liz replied, feeling a bit embarrassed. "Kyle was still on the phone! I can't help it if you were talking loudly." She exclaimed, although she knew it wasn't really a justification for eavesdropping. Nor had they been speaking particularly loudly if she was honest with herself.
"I did tell him that," Max said, not sounding angry, only amused again. "But I just really don't think we can give it up without knowing what it is. I mean, what if it's some kind of super weapon or something? It sort of looks like that. I really just have no clue."
"I hate not having a real plan," Liz told him after a few moments of silence as she mulled this over. "Don't get me wrong. I think you're right that they - whoever [I]they[/I] are - can't have the granolith. But what's to stop them from just killing us all when they understand we're not going to give it to them?"
"They don't know where it is," Max reminded her. "They need at least one of us alive to tell them. And they have to know that if they really hurt any of us, the others won't ever tell them." There was a pause. Liz could almost hear the wheels turning in his head. "I just feel that this is about more than the granolith anyway."
"How so?"
"The fact that we were separated from Will and the others," Max said pensively. "Whoever said it.I can't remember who it was, but I think they were right. We were all sent in that ship together. Whatever our past relationships, we were meant to work together this time. But someone has taken great pains to make sure that doesn't happen. They've been fed lies about us, or at least lies about what we're like this time around."
"Max, you don't still think that Zan was evil?" Liz demanded, understanding immediately why he had modified his last statement.
"I.I don't know," he replied. "I don't [I]think[/I] so. I mean, if we're right and Zan and Rowena were together, I can't see that he was totally bad.
"He couldn't have started that way," Liz reminded him. "Didn't you get from Kate in that connection that he changed?"
"Yeah. I just don't know!" The last was practically a wail of frustration. "God. I wish that there was someone around who had [I]been[/I] there, someone impartial like Courtney who could at least give us [I]their[/I] version of the truth."
"Why do you think Nasedo kept all the information about who we really are from us?" Liz asked him, having reached out to squeeze his hand reassuringly again. His thumb was running lightly over her palm, distracting her slightly, but obviously serving to calm him down.
"I really don't think he knew who you were," Max told her. "He didn't really have much time to tell us anything before he died either. He was in Washington taking care of disbanding the Special Unit for all those months and, then, he was killed so quickly after coming back to Roswell. I also think he wanted us to remember on our own."
"Which means that you [I]can[/I] remember." Liz frowned thoughtfully. "But [I]how[/I]?"
"I've been thinking about that," Max replied. "I think we need to find our talismans. Like Serena's scarf. We all must have one. Serena told me that if you were really her, you wouldn't forget being her when the scarf was removed."
"But I did because I'm [I]not[/I] Serena," Liz picked up his train of thought. "I'm Rowena. So you think that maybe we need our talismans to activate our memories, but then after that we won't."
"Maybe," Max said. "The problem is that, I don't want to be taken over by any talisman. Until we can be sure that we won't be possessed like you were, that we won't forget who we are now, we can't use them."
Liz sighed. "I guess it never crossed the minds of the people cloning us that we would [I]want[/I] to remember who we are now."
"Probably not. But we can't know that for sure either. Don't forget that Will and Kate have more memories than we do. Didn't you tell me that Will told you that they came out of their pods when they were about ten?"
"Yes. So you think that if you'd all been in your pods longer, you might have more natural memories."
"Right." Max shook his head slightly. "It's all just speculation though. I don't know that we'll ever really know anything. And at this point it doesn't really matter either. All I care about right now is making sure that Izzy and Alex are okay."
"And Will and Kate," Liz said firmly. "Max, they're part of this now too."
"I know." She saw Max quirk a grin in her direction. "Kate anyway."
"Max!"
"What? I'm just being honest!"
Liz stared at him. He was still smiling, as though he was teasing her, but Liz could see his underlying concern. "You have absolutely nothing to worry about where Will is concerned," she reassured him gently. "Max, I might have been drawn to him, but I [I]never[/I], not for an instant, stopped thinking about you when it was happening. My main concern through the whole thing was how it was going to hurt you."
"It's not [I]you[/I] I'm worried about Liz," Max replied firmly. "It's [I]him[/I]. He really believes that you and he are meant to be together. If we don't find Serena, if we don't find a way for her to tell him the truth without him freaking out.well, it could still get ugly. He may [I]not[/I] believe her."
"Then we'll just have to make sure he does."
Max grinned at her. "Liz, you don't get it, do you? No guy in their right mind would ever give up a chance to be with you without a fight. Didn't I prove that clearly enough earlier this fall? I sang under your balcony for God's sake." Liz smiled slightly to herself at the memory. It warmed her heart even more that the tips of his ears were turning red at the though. It had been difficult for Max to serenade her, it practically going against everything that made him [I]Max[/I], but he had done it anyway. For her. "He is [I]not[/I] going to be easy to convince," Max was saying, obviously trying to get off the topic entirely.
"Be that as it may," Liz said. "It can't matter right now. We have to make sure that he's alive to [I]be[/I] convinced." She turned her face forward, felt her heart beginning to beat more quickly. They had reached the point in the high-way where they turned off to head for the pod chamber. "I hope this works Max."
"Me too." He squeezed her hand again, bringing it to his lips and kissing it.
They didn't say anything else until the cliffs came into sight, just enjoying the last few moments alone in safety.
"Tess is here." Liz spoke into the silence after recognizing Tess's SUV parked near the rocks. She lowered her eyes, sighing, then grimaced, hoped Max hadn't heard.
Really, it was only a natural instinct. She realized that, for once, thinking of the blonde girl hadn't either made her sad or set her blood boiling. She knew that Tess had not necessarily given up her claim to Max, but also knew that her rival had promised not to leave town. What the meant in the long-run, Liz wasn't sure, but what it did mean now was that Tess was on their side and it was important to make sure she was safe too. Keeping her in Roswell would serve little purpose if they let her get killed instead.
"Shit."
The word was so sudden and so unlike Max, Liz's head snapped up and she stared at him. They were pulling to a stop beside Tess's vehicle. She glanced behind them, saw the Jetta only a few moments behind. "What?" She looked around, couldn't see anything amiss.
"They beat us here." Max's tone was grim as he swung out of the Jeep and hurried towards Tess's car. Liz still couldn't see anything wrong. It was only when he started to move past it that she noticed the small foot peeking out from in front of the SUV.
Liz's blood ran cold, knowing that it could only be one person.
Tess.
To be continued.