PART FIVE

Harm watched the door close behind Mattie, and then turned to look at Mac. Sensing that she wasn't going to go first, Harm dove in. "I'm sorry, Mac."

"For what? I told you, it wasn't your fault."

"Not for that," he said, running his fingers through his hair. "For waiting so long to say something, and then not saying it to you the way I should have."

She nodded, turning to look at him. "That's, okay, Harm. I haven't exactly been an easy person to talk to lately."

"That's no excuse for me avoiding the issue," he countered.

"Maybe not," she agreed, "but I can understand why you were hesitant. I've been sending you the wrong signals for quite a while now; you must have thought I hated you."

"Well, I did wonder there for a while."

"I'm sorry."

"It's, okay, Mac," Harm said, taking her hand tentatively in his. When she didn't pull away, he went on. "I understand, you were in love."

She shook her head. "That's just it," she replied turning to stare into his eyes. "I wasn't in love with Clay. Not really."

Harm was confused. "If it wasn't love, why were you with him?"

Mac looked away. "I don't know. I guess it was to forget about everything that I saw in Paraguay. Everything that I had done..." She squeezed his hand. "Everything I had said."

Those few seconds near the taxi-stand in Paraguay, where Mac had told him 'never', and his life had changed forever, flashed across Harm's consciousness. "You had every right to say what you did; I was a fool."

Mac looked at him. "I think we both were, Harm. I said things I wish I could take back, and I think you did, too."

Harm nodded. "That's for sure." He placed his other hand on top of their joined ones where they rested on his thigh. "What were some of the things you would have taken back?"

She sighed. "How about 'never' for starters."

"You sounded pretty convincing, like you meant it."

"I did," she continued. 'At least, I did at the time, but I don't think I meant it like you think I did."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I think I said it out of frustration, not so much because I didn't want you anymore. I did, but because I was convinced there was no chance to ever make it work. I thought we were finally at the end and that I had to do what was necessary to move on. Boy, was I in for a shock."

"Why's that?" Harm was content to let her say what she wanted to without adding his own thoughts; there would be time for that when she was finished.

She looked him in the eyes, an agonized expression plastered across her face. "Because when we got back to the States, and the Admiral cut you loose, I felt like someone had cut off a vital part of my body. I wasn't ready to move on. I didn't understand what had happened. I guess, deep down, I had been sure AJ would let you come back, and we would fix what was broken between us the way we always seem to do.

I was in a daze, and when you took me to see Clay in the hospital, and he kissed me, and then I found you gone... well, I started to think that just maybe I was right to say what I did in Paraguay."

"What made you change your mind?"

She laughed. It was a hollow, empty sound. "I don't know if I should tell you; your ego is big enough already."

Harm grunted. "Well, my ego has been beaten down pretty well lately, Mac. I don't think you have much to worry about there anymore."

Mac smiled sadly. "And that's my fault, too," she said. "If I had just stayed when you asked me, none of this would have ever happened."

"You had agreed to go, it was your duty, and I don't think I truly believed that you would stay just because I had asked you. I just hoped that by asking I would show you how much I cared for you." Harm leaned into the cushions. "I guess I screwed that up, didn't I?"

"I don't think I was listening very well that night. I was still angry at you for shutting me out of your investigation into who was the father of Singer's baby. I think I knew what you were saying, but I just couldn't accept it then, and by the time you showed up to save my life, it was too late. Things had already gone too far."

Harm glanced over at her and smiled. "We make quite a pair, don't we?"

She giggled. It was almost a happy sound. "Yeah, I suppose we do."

"You still didn't tell me why you changed your mind about wanting to move on without me?" he asked quietly. They had to work this out now, or there would be no moving forward for them.

Her smiled faded. "I thought that when I started my relationship with Clay that everything was going to be fine, that I was going to move on without you and finally find happiness. But the longer we went on together, the more I realised that it wasn't going to work out that way. I wasn't happy, not really, even though I tried to show the rest of the world that I was."

"Why weren't you happy, Mac?"

She turned to him, as tears began to stream down her cheeks. "Because he wasn't you," she sobbed. "No matter what he said or did, he would never be you, and it was you that I wanted, you that I needed, but you were gone. You'd been cut from my life by my own hand, and I was dead inside." Mac managed to continue, vainly wiping at her tears.

Harm's heart broke to see her like this. He turned on the couch. Taking her by the arms, he brought her to him, wrapping his arms around her to cocoon her against his chest. She went willingly as gut-wrenching sobs wracked her body. He just held her, letting her cry, rubbing gentle circles across her back with the palm of his hand.

After several minutes, her sobbing eased and she relaxed against his chest, hugging him tightly. "I missed you so much," she said is a small voice. "I never knew how much I needed you until you were gone."

Harm felt his throat tighten. What had he done to this woman? He loved her so much that it was physically painful not to be near her, and yet he had pushed her away the moment things hadn't gone the way he wanted. "I'm so sorry, Mac. For everything that I've done to you, for not telling you that I loved you, for not trying harder to make things work out." He took a deep breath. "I was just so angry at you, and Webb. I had risked my life, and given up my career to save you, and the first thing I saw you do was kiss another man.

"I was jealous. You have no idea how much, and instead of using my head to try to work things out, I lashed out and hurt you. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for that."

She looked up, shaking her head. "Don't do that, Harm; don't try to make this all your fault, because it's not. I didn't try either, and we both did, and said things we shouldn't have."

"Maybe, but I still feel responsible. You were right about me in that sense, Mac. I do like to be in control, but you were wrong about me, too; with you it was never about one of us having dominion over the other. All I ever wanted was for us to be partners, not just at JAG, but in life."

She fell back against his chest, snaking her arms around his back. "I am sorry for that too, Harm. I don't think I really believed that about you when I said that 'both of us want to be on top', but I was so angry at you for pushing me away again, and you know me, when I'm hurt, I lash out." She snuggled in closer. "And it's usually you who takes the brunt of my anger."

Harm chuckled. "Yeah, but I deserve it most times," he admitted. He pushed her away a little so he could gaze into her eyes. "I'll make you a deal. I promise to try my best not to push you away anymore, if you promise not to bite my head off if I stumble a few times doing it. Deal?"

Mac smiled, and this one actually reached her eyes. "I think I can do that," she replied. She put her head back against his chest. "Does this mean we're okay?"

Harm kissed the top of her head. "It's a start anyway. We can't erase all that has happened these last six months after just a few minutes, but if you are willing to try, then so am I."

"Harm, I have never wanted anything more in my life." She looked up at him, their eyes meeting. Slowly he lowered his head towards her. She moistened her lips with the tip of her tongue and closed the distance between them. When their lips met it was like the whole universe shifted and realigned itself. What was out of sync fell back into its proper place, and a great weight was lifted off Harm's soul. He explored her mouth gently, as she did his, savouring the taste of her. Their tongues entangled, gently probing and tasting until the need to breathe finally forced them apart.

Harm gazed down lovingly into the two languid pools that were her eyes. She smiled at him and tucked her head into the hollow below his chin. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close.

"Holy, cow," Mattie yelped from the doorway. Harm and Mac both turned to look at her from their place on the couch, but didn't release one another. She was carrying a plastic bag in one hand and the keys to Harm's apartment in the other. "When you two make up, you really make up."

Harm grinned and looked down at Mac. "Yeah, well I hope this is the last time we ever have to make up," he said, dropping a kiss onto her hair.

Mac smiled. "I hope you're right, Squid, but don't think that means I won't be kissing you again."

"I was hoping you would say something like that," he replied, running the palm of his hand down over Mac's leg and then back up to trail his fingers across her hip. "I hope I won't have to wait too long?"

"I doubt it," Mac breathed, kissing the corner of his mouth as she ran her fingers through his hair.

"God, you two, get a room," Mattie laughed.

Harm smiled and got up, pulling Mac off the couch with him. Taking her hand, he led her towards the island in the kitchen. "I think I'm going to need to get a door for the bedroom," he said mischievously. Mac defiantly blushed this time.

"This is going to scar me forever, you realize that, don't you?" Mattie said, as she dropped the bag on the counter and removed her coat.

"What?" Harm grinned. "Can't a guy show the woman he loves just how much he cares about her?"

Mac stepped away from him and took both of his hands in her own. "I love you, too, you know?"

"I know." Harm leaned in and kissed her quickly. It was a promise of things to come. "Now," he said after they parted, "how about we have some of that ice cream?"

Mac and Mattie both laughed as Harm picked up the tub of Rocky Road from the counter. All-in-all, the day had turned out to be a Merry Christmas after all.