[u]Part 44[/u]
"That can't be good."
It was the sound of Kyle's voice, which broke the silence that had fallen over the granolith, that cued Liz in to the fact that nothing had happened.
Opening her eyes, she frowned, becoming aware that this wasn't entirely true. She had realized that something was wrong when Max's presence, which was always just on the edge of her awareness, had blinked out. Kyle had only confirmed to her that she had not managed to join the connection.
Liz's eyes were drawn to the upside down cone of the granolith hanging over their heads. It was blinking erratically, no longer demonstrating that steady brightness that had defined it since the eight hybrids had finally been brought together into its presence. She wondered if it was the blinking that had made Kyle comment.
A moment later, glancing around at the others gathered around Kate's body, she realized it wasn't. Her eyes widened and she felt panic beginning to overwhelm her. She had been doing her best to dampen the confusion and fear that had been her constant companion since her discussion with Will, but now it all broke loose. Her heart started to pound, her palms became sweaty and her stomach tied itself in knots.
Max, Isabel, Michael, Will and Tess were all hovering an inch above the ground, their heads thrown back, their eyes wide open and staring at the base of the granolith. It was as if some sort of tractor beam had taken control of their bodies and was attempting to pull them towards the ceiling. The healing stones were still sitting in their hands, and they were burning brightly, but it was extremely clear that their handlers were no longer in control of them.
They were gone. Liz could not feel any of them. It was why Max's essence had disappeared on her. It was no longer [I]there[/I].
"Oh my God." she whispered, her hand coming up to cover her mouth.
"Liz!"
She became aware of Maria grabbing her elbow. She turned to stare at her friend. Maria's fearful expression matched her own, she was sure.
"Are you okay?" Maria demanded. "What happened in there?"
"I.I." Liz opened her mouth, tried to explain that [I]nothing[/I] had happened. She hadn't gone anywhere.
And, yet, it was fully clear that [I]something[/I] had indeed happened. She had just been left behind.
She caught movement out of the corner of her eye, turned her head to see Whittaker stepping forward, a perplexed expression on her face. "Something's wrong," the former congresswoman said, glancing around at the five hovering hybrids.
"You think?" Kyle demanded. He was now standing under Tess, obviously annoyed, but more than that, Liz could tell that he was extremely worried as well.
"What happened?" Maria asked again. "Liz, why are you [I]here?[/I]"
"I don't [I]know[/I]!" Liz wailed, the words coming before she even thought them. "I [I]knew[/I] this was going to happen. I [I]knew[/I] I was going to screw everything up!"
She blinked when she understood what she had said. It was the first time she had put voice to her deepest fear. She hadn't even realized that she felt it. Preoccupied as she had been by the fact that every revelation over the course of the last two days had seemed to confirm that she and Max had been complete idiots in their past lives, it hadn't even occurred to her that she was unsure still that she even believed that she really belonged with them.
She wanted it more than anything, wanted to be destined for Max, but it was only now, when everything had gone completely wrong that she realized that she wasn't really certain that she [I]believed[/I] she was Rowena.
She had no gift at all. That had been more than proven by how badly she had misjudged Will. And, now, at the time when she had most needed to prove that she was one of them, she had failed.
She might hold Rowena's essence within her, but she was [I]too[/I] human. She could not imagine living anywhere but on Earth. She didn't [I]want[/I] to live anywhere but on Earth. She belonged [I]here[/I].
The confusing part was that, she also knew, in her heart, that she belonged with Max. And he [I]didn't[/I] belong here. He had finally accepted who he really was, was ready to take on everything that it meant. Did what had happened here mean that she wasn't?
Liz felt tears fill her eyes. She didn't know [I]anything[/I] anymore. How could she so want to be a part of Max's life, but still be so unsure? What was [I]wrong[/I] with her?
She felt Maria's hand tighten on her arm. "Lizzie?" her best friend prompted gently. "What do you mean you knew you were going to screw everything up?"
Liz could not answer her. Her mind replayed all the times that the others had depended on her and she had failed them. The first time they'd used the stones - to heal Michael - she had let her fear get the best of her. Then there had been when they'd heard the destiny message and she had run out on Max. She had failed them then too. If she'd stayed, maybe they would have figured out the truth sooner. Everything had become screwed up because she had left. Nasedo had almost won because Whittaker had been unable to figure out what had happened to Rowena. All because Liz had left.
And, then, there as Future Max. She had almost destroyed Max by what she had done at Future Max's instigation. She understood that it had, perhaps, changed things for the better - that Will and the others would have been forever lost to her friends, not to mention Tess, if she hadn't - but she could not completely forget how she had almost torn her friends apart by what she had done.
Every time she thought she was making a decision for the good of the group, she was [I]wrong[/I]. Just like Rowena had been wrong.
Will had been mistaken. She was entirely too much like her past life alter- ego. She was destined to destroy them again. As had been proven just now, by the fact that she couldn't even make a simple connection with them to save Kate's life.
"Liz!" Maria was waving her hand in front of her face, trying to get her attention. "What's [I]wrong[/I]?"
"I.I don't think I really belong here," Liz replied, turning away. "I can't do it. I don't [I]want[/I] to be her. I didn't even realize it was true, but it [I]is[/I]."
She didn't, she realized. She did not want to be Rowena. She remembered when she and Max had completely lost control of themselves in her bedroom the day before. She had felt what it would be like to be Rowena then. To be so self-absorbed in physical longing that everything else fell to the way- side. They had made out on Liz's bed while Isabel had been in Nasedo's clutches, in the process of being tortured.
Liz was still completely self-absorbed it seemed. She didn't want to be Rowena, but she [I]was.[/I] And she hated herself.
Because she hated it, she couldn't embrace that side of herself, could not get in touch with the part of her that was alien. She knew it inherently. She had tried and she just could not do it. She had failed them again. She should have known. It was all she had ever done.
"You're wrong." Liz started, stared at Jack, who had spoken. He didn't sound angry. In fact, he sounded amazed. "Don't you understand? How can you not get it?"
"Get what?" Liz asked, unsure. She had barely heard him speak two words before this afternoon, but he was staring at her now, his gaze so intense, it made her blood heat, reddening her cheeks.
"You are the lynch-pin that holds us all together, Liz," Jack told her. "You are mostly human, but you're so much a part of us all, I was able to feel you in Copper Summit simply because you had [I]been[/I] there. I've never been able to do that with anyone before. I've always had to be in their presence. Being Rowena has nothing to do with the fact that you're an alien, and it has nothing to do with anything you [I]do[/I]. It's who you [I]are[/I]."
"I don't understand," Liz told him.
"You don't have to [I]do[/I] anything," Jack insisted. "Just being who you are makes you one of us. Whether you want to be Rowena or not, it's what [I]is[/I]. Of course, you're unsure. It's what we all loved about Rowena and it's what we all love about you. You do the right thing in spite of being unsure. You always know what is right. You always have. And you always will. You know because that's your gift. Rowena's gift was always one of understanding, but, above that, it was her capability to love. She always made her decisions with her heart, and, because of it, she was always right, no matter what the consequences."
Liz stared at him. Her grandmother Claudia's words from the year before suddenly filtered through her mind. [I]Promise me you'll follow your heart, wherever it takes you.[/I]
She had tried to do that. She tried to follow her heart. Even the time she'd been unable to help Michael restore his balance, she had been following her heart. Her heart had been absorbed with fear for Max, then, and it had resulted in their initial break-up. She knew now though that it had been a good thing. Although painful at the time, it had been right, because neither of them had been ready for the intensity of what their relationship was destined to become.
Doing as Future Max had bid her had been painful too, but she had followed her heart, even though she had almost broken it in the process. She realized now that she had known deep inside that what she had done to Max the night of the Gomez concert wasn't going to end their connection. He would see through it - and he [I]had[/I]. He had never believed it. But, because she had done it, Tess had remained in Roswell and the three other hybrids had joined them. It had been the [I]right[/I] thing to do.
The only time she hadn't followed her heart had been when she'd walked away from Max at the pod chamber the spring before. It was the only mistake she had ever made. It had made things more complicated for Whittaker, and had helped Nasedo. [I]Not[/I] following her heart - which had been imploring her to stay with Max, to help him heal from what had been done to him in the White Room, and to help him fully explore what Tess's presence in their lives meant - had been a mistake. She had never given Tess a chance, her jealousy outweighing what her heart was telling her to do. If she had, she would have seen sooner that Tess wasn't bad, that they were connected, that the sense of trust she had briefly felt in Tess that day at the Harding house, when her sister had told her that she wasn't trying to take Max away from her, had been valid. She got now that she had [I]believed[/I] Tess that day. That for one short moment, before Nasedo's lies had intervened again, Tess had been telling the truth. She had not wanted Max at all. But, because she, Liz, had not listened to her heart, she had almost destroyed them all.
Liz felt her heart lighten in a way she had been unsure she would ever feel again. It was like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Ironically, it was at that moment that Kyle demanded, "Jeesh. Pressure much? No wonder she's freaking out! Who the hell would want the weight of always doing the right thing resting on their shoulders?"
Jack shrugged. "I can't explain it. It's just who she is. The love she has for life and for all of us will always make it so. It's her destiny. There's a [I]reason[/I] she couldn't make the connection." He turned and addressed Liz again. "Liz, you probably don't even know what it is, but it exists."
Liz sighed, accepting what he told her, to a certain degree, her new analysis of past events making her see the situation in a new light. "You may be right." And, yet a small doubt still existed. Why was she so frightened of what being Rowena really meant? Why did she still doubt that she would make the right decisions? If she accepted Rowena as part of herself, shouldn't that change? "But, if it's true, then why am I so sure that I don't want to be [I]her[/I]. That I want to be me?"
"Do you think Rowena wanted to be who she was all the time?" Jack asked. "She didn't want to be what divided Sardica and Antar, but there was no way to avoid it. Because it wasn't her fault. She couldn't change what she meant to Zan and Khivar. They were the ones with the problem, not Rowena." He nodded towards the others, who were still hovering. Liz stared at Max, abruptly recognizing the expression on his face. It was fear. Something had gone extremely [I]wrong[/I] in the connection. Her heart started to pound again, desperately wished that she was with him. Why wasn't she? Why had she been left behind?
It was as if Jack had read her mind, because he continued, thinking aloud, "I think it's the Rowena part of you that refuses to let you make the connection. There are some things that need to be fixed on their own. You can't be the mediator all the time. Kyle's right. No one can handle what Rowena had to handle on their own. It's too much pressure. Things have to be different this time."
Liz frowned. "I swear that's not true. I [I]want[/I] to fix things. I just don't want to be her."
Jack sighed. "Believe what you want. You [I]are[/I] her. But you're yourself too. It's not a question of whether you want it or not. It's just what [I]is[/I]. You're strong, Liz, but you can't do everything. Whatever's going on with [I]them[/I]," he glared at the dangling hybrids in annoyance, "it has nothing to do with you. And, I think, your Rowena essence knows it. I think the [I]granolith[/I] knows it too and it's why you haven't been able to join them." He looked at Whittaker, who was staring at him with her mouth hanging open, as though she couldn't quite believe he'd come to this conclusion. "Why do you think you didn't want me involved in the connection? I mean, how would that randomly just come to you? We're not in control here at all. It's all the granolith. It [I]tells[/I] you what to do. I don't think you even realize it. You said yourself that you've never completely understood it. I'm not in there because I'm not involved either. Katie isn't, because she's gone. She isn't one of the ones with the problem anyway."
"But, what about Tess?" Kyle demanded. "She didn't do anything! Neither did Isabel!"
"I never said they did anything to each other," Jack replied, sounding impatient. "But they certainly have things to work out in there. Vilandra was in love with Khivar." He glared at Grant as he said this. "Her Vilandra side needs to deal with that. And, as for Tess. Serena [I]lied[/I] to Khivar for years." He looked at Whittaker again. "You, better than anyone, should know that they have things to discuss, things to decide. Not figuring them out early was what destroyed your relationship with the original Khivar."
Liz was unsure how Jack had figured all of this out. Maybe he could see most clearly because he was the one with the least baggage brought over from their past lives. Or maybe the granolith was somehow helping him to understand. However it had happened, Liz believed him. This hadn't been about her doubts at all. She had them still, she knew, but the granolith had not taken them seriously. It had recognized them for the insecurities that any of them might hold, considering the extraordinary circumstances under which they were becoming aware of who they really were.
Liz felt a flash of awe, followed immediately by one of curiosity. What the heck [I]was[/I] the granolith? How did it [I]know[/I] exactly what to do? How had it known, that before they could really know what had happened in their past lives, they needed to come to terms with each other in the present? That, to really be a team, they needed to be able to accept each other in spite of what they might learn when their memories returned.
She and Jack and Kate had already accepted the rest of them, flaws and all, which was why they weren't involved. They would only complicate things by being present.
This did not negate Liz's concerns about her own role in the group. She still did not understand how she had so completely misjudged Will, but she knew that she forgave him. It was one reason that she was not involved in whatever the granolith was up to. Her gift was obviously screwed up somehow though. She wondered if part of her doubt about wanting to go back to Antar might stem from the suspicion that she would end up being more of a hindrance than a help. If she couldn't play a full part, she didn't want any role at all. The last thing the rest of them needed was to depend on her, only to have her fail them in the end.
It was something she was going to have to work out, this sense of inadequacy. Jack was right. She was who she was. She could not change that. But, she [I]did[/I] love the rest of them; Max most intensely, but the rest of them as well. She wanted to be one of them, whatever that meant, and it wasn't just because of Max. Max would have loved her whether she was Rowena or not. She knew that. It was only now that she was beginning to understand that she wanted acceptance from the rest of them too. Until she knew for certain that she had it, her doubts might not go away.
For now, though, that was going to have to wait. She didn't have a purpose in whatever was going on with the rest of them. She shook her head slightly, smiling wryly to herself. She had been lying to herself when she had said before that she wanted out. She didn't want out. She wanted [I]in,[/I] completely. Now that she didn't know what was going on with the rest of them, she was completely impatient.
She just hoped they would hurry and sort out what needed to be sorted. But, based on the amount of tension that existed between some of them, she was pretty sure they were going to be in there for a while.
"That can't be good."
It was the sound of Kyle's voice, which broke the silence that had fallen over the granolith, that cued Liz in to the fact that nothing had happened.
Opening her eyes, she frowned, becoming aware that this wasn't entirely true. She had realized that something was wrong when Max's presence, which was always just on the edge of her awareness, had blinked out. Kyle had only confirmed to her that she had not managed to join the connection.
Liz's eyes were drawn to the upside down cone of the granolith hanging over their heads. It was blinking erratically, no longer demonstrating that steady brightness that had defined it since the eight hybrids had finally been brought together into its presence. She wondered if it was the blinking that had made Kyle comment.
A moment later, glancing around at the others gathered around Kate's body, she realized it wasn't. Her eyes widened and she felt panic beginning to overwhelm her. She had been doing her best to dampen the confusion and fear that had been her constant companion since her discussion with Will, but now it all broke loose. Her heart started to pound, her palms became sweaty and her stomach tied itself in knots.
Max, Isabel, Michael, Will and Tess were all hovering an inch above the ground, their heads thrown back, their eyes wide open and staring at the base of the granolith. It was as if some sort of tractor beam had taken control of their bodies and was attempting to pull them towards the ceiling. The healing stones were still sitting in their hands, and they were burning brightly, but it was extremely clear that their handlers were no longer in control of them.
They were gone. Liz could not feel any of them. It was why Max's essence had disappeared on her. It was no longer [I]there[/I].
"Oh my God." she whispered, her hand coming up to cover her mouth.
"Liz!"
She became aware of Maria grabbing her elbow. She turned to stare at her friend. Maria's fearful expression matched her own, she was sure.
"Are you okay?" Maria demanded. "What happened in there?"
"I.I." Liz opened her mouth, tried to explain that [I]nothing[/I] had happened. She hadn't gone anywhere.
And, yet, it was fully clear that [I]something[/I] had indeed happened. She had just been left behind.
She caught movement out of the corner of her eye, turned her head to see Whittaker stepping forward, a perplexed expression on her face. "Something's wrong," the former congresswoman said, glancing around at the five hovering hybrids.
"You think?" Kyle demanded. He was now standing under Tess, obviously annoyed, but more than that, Liz could tell that he was extremely worried as well.
"What happened?" Maria asked again. "Liz, why are you [I]here?[/I]"
"I don't [I]know[/I]!" Liz wailed, the words coming before she even thought them. "I [I]knew[/I] this was going to happen. I [I]knew[/I] I was going to screw everything up!"
She blinked when she understood what she had said. It was the first time she had put voice to her deepest fear. She hadn't even realized that she felt it. Preoccupied as she had been by the fact that every revelation over the course of the last two days had seemed to confirm that she and Max had been complete idiots in their past lives, it hadn't even occurred to her that she was unsure still that she even believed that she really belonged with them.
She wanted it more than anything, wanted to be destined for Max, but it was only now, when everything had gone completely wrong that she realized that she wasn't really certain that she [I]believed[/I] she was Rowena.
She had no gift at all. That had been more than proven by how badly she had misjudged Will. And, now, at the time when she had most needed to prove that she was one of them, she had failed.
She might hold Rowena's essence within her, but she was [I]too[/I] human. She could not imagine living anywhere but on Earth. She didn't [I]want[/I] to live anywhere but on Earth. She belonged [I]here[/I].
The confusing part was that, she also knew, in her heart, that she belonged with Max. And he [I]didn't[/I] belong here. He had finally accepted who he really was, was ready to take on everything that it meant. Did what had happened here mean that she wasn't?
Liz felt tears fill her eyes. She didn't know [I]anything[/I] anymore. How could she so want to be a part of Max's life, but still be so unsure? What was [I]wrong[/I] with her?
She felt Maria's hand tighten on her arm. "Lizzie?" her best friend prompted gently. "What do you mean you knew you were going to screw everything up?"
Liz could not answer her. Her mind replayed all the times that the others had depended on her and she had failed them. The first time they'd used the stones - to heal Michael - she had let her fear get the best of her. Then there had been when they'd heard the destiny message and she had run out on Max. She had failed them then too. If she'd stayed, maybe they would have figured out the truth sooner. Everything had become screwed up because she had left. Nasedo had almost won because Whittaker had been unable to figure out what had happened to Rowena. All because Liz had left.
And, then, there as Future Max. She had almost destroyed Max by what she had done at Future Max's instigation. She understood that it had, perhaps, changed things for the better - that Will and the others would have been forever lost to her friends, not to mention Tess, if she hadn't - but she could not completely forget how she had almost torn her friends apart by what she had done.
Every time she thought she was making a decision for the good of the group, she was [I]wrong[/I]. Just like Rowena had been wrong.
Will had been mistaken. She was entirely too much like her past life alter- ego. She was destined to destroy them again. As had been proven just now, by the fact that she couldn't even make a simple connection with them to save Kate's life.
"Liz!" Maria was waving her hand in front of her face, trying to get her attention. "What's [I]wrong[/I]?"
"I.I don't think I really belong here," Liz replied, turning away. "I can't do it. I don't [I]want[/I] to be her. I didn't even realize it was true, but it [I]is[/I]."
She didn't, she realized. She did not want to be Rowena. She remembered when she and Max had completely lost control of themselves in her bedroom the day before. She had felt what it would be like to be Rowena then. To be so self-absorbed in physical longing that everything else fell to the way- side. They had made out on Liz's bed while Isabel had been in Nasedo's clutches, in the process of being tortured.
Liz was still completely self-absorbed it seemed. She didn't want to be Rowena, but she [I]was.[/I] And she hated herself.
Because she hated it, she couldn't embrace that side of herself, could not get in touch with the part of her that was alien. She knew it inherently. She had tried and she just could not do it. She had failed them again. She should have known. It was all she had ever done.
"You're wrong." Liz started, stared at Jack, who had spoken. He didn't sound angry. In fact, he sounded amazed. "Don't you understand? How can you not get it?"
"Get what?" Liz asked, unsure. She had barely heard him speak two words before this afternoon, but he was staring at her now, his gaze so intense, it made her blood heat, reddening her cheeks.
"You are the lynch-pin that holds us all together, Liz," Jack told her. "You are mostly human, but you're so much a part of us all, I was able to feel you in Copper Summit simply because you had [I]been[/I] there. I've never been able to do that with anyone before. I've always had to be in their presence. Being Rowena has nothing to do with the fact that you're an alien, and it has nothing to do with anything you [I]do[/I]. It's who you [I]are[/I]."
"I don't understand," Liz told him.
"You don't have to [I]do[/I] anything," Jack insisted. "Just being who you are makes you one of us. Whether you want to be Rowena or not, it's what [I]is[/I]. Of course, you're unsure. It's what we all loved about Rowena and it's what we all love about you. You do the right thing in spite of being unsure. You always know what is right. You always have. And you always will. You know because that's your gift. Rowena's gift was always one of understanding, but, above that, it was her capability to love. She always made her decisions with her heart, and, because of it, she was always right, no matter what the consequences."
Liz stared at him. Her grandmother Claudia's words from the year before suddenly filtered through her mind. [I]Promise me you'll follow your heart, wherever it takes you.[/I]
She had tried to do that. She tried to follow her heart. Even the time she'd been unable to help Michael restore his balance, she had been following her heart. Her heart had been absorbed with fear for Max, then, and it had resulted in their initial break-up. She knew now though that it had been a good thing. Although painful at the time, it had been right, because neither of them had been ready for the intensity of what their relationship was destined to become.
Doing as Future Max had bid her had been painful too, but she had followed her heart, even though she had almost broken it in the process. She realized now that she had known deep inside that what she had done to Max the night of the Gomez concert wasn't going to end their connection. He would see through it - and he [I]had[/I]. He had never believed it. But, because she had done it, Tess had remained in Roswell and the three other hybrids had joined them. It had been the [I]right[/I] thing to do.
The only time she hadn't followed her heart had been when she'd walked away from Max at the pod chamber the spring before. It was the only mistake she had ever made. It had made things more complicated for Whittaker, and had helped Nasedo. [I]Not[/I] following her heart - which had been imploring her to stay with Max, to help him heal from what had been done to him in the White Room, and to help him fully explore what Tess's presence in their lives meant - had been a mistake. She had never given Tess a chance, her jealousy outweighing what her heart was telling her to do. If she had, she would have seen sooner that Tess wasn't bad, that they were connected, that the sense of trust she had briefly felt in Tess that day at the Harding house, when her sister had told her that she wasn't trying to take Max away from her, had been valid. She got now that she had [I]believed[/I] Tess that day. That for one short moment, before Nasedo's lies had intervened again, Tess had been telling the truth. She had not wanted Max at all. But, because she, Liz, had not listened to her heart, she had almost destroyed them all.
Liz felt her heart lighten in a way she had been unsure she would ever feel again. It was like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Ironically, it was at that moment that Kyle demanded, "Jeesh. Pressure much? No wonder she's freaking out! Who the hell would want the weight of always doing the right thing resting on their shoulders?"
Jack shrugged. "I can't explain it. It's just who she is. The love she has for life and for all of us will always make it so. It's her destiny. There's a [I]reason[/I] she couldn't make the connection." He turned and addressed Liz again. "Liz, you probably don't even know what it is, but it exists."
Liz sighed, accepting what he told her, to a certain degree, her new analysis of past events making her see the situation in a new light. "You may be right." And, yet a small doubt still existed. Why was she so frightened of what being Rowena really meant? Why did she still doubt that she would make the right decisions? If she accepted Rowena as part of herself, shouldn't that change? "But, if it's true, then why am I so sure that I don't want to be [I]her[/I]. That I want to be me?"
"Do you think Rowena wanted to be who she was all the time?" Jack asked. "She didn't want to be what divided Sardica and Antar, but there was no way to avoid it. Because it wasn't her fault. She couldn't change what she meant to Zan and Khivar. They were the ones with the problem, not Rowena." He nodded towards the others, who were still hovering. Liz stared at Max, abruptly recognizing the expression on his face. It was fear. Something had gone extremely [I]wrong[/I] in the connection. Her heart started to pound again, desperately wished that she was with him. Why wasn't she? Why had she been left behind?
It was as if Jack had read her mind, because he continued, thinking aloud, "I think it's the Rowena part of you that refuses to let you make the connection. There are some things that need to be fixed on their own. You can't be the mediator all the time. Kyle's right. No one can handle what Rowena had to handle on their own. It's too much pressure. Things have to be different this time."
Liz frowned. "I swear that's not true. I [I]want[/I] to fix things. I just don't want to be her."
Jack sighed. "Believe what you want. You [I]are[/I] her. But you're yourself too. It's not a question of whether you want it or not. It's just what [I]is[/I]. You're strong, Liz, but you can't do everything. Whatever's going on with [I]them[/I]," he glared at the dangling hybrids in annoyance, "it has nothing to do with you. And, I think, your Rowena essence knows it. I think the [I]granolith[/I] knows it too and it's why you haven't been able to join them." He looked at Whittaker, who was staring at him with her mouth hanging open, as though she couldn't quite believe he'd come to this conclusion. "Why do you think you didn't want me involved in the connection? I mean, how would that randomly just come to you? We're not in control here at all. It's all the granolith. It [I]tells[/I] you what to do. I don't think you even realize it. You said yourself that you've never completely understood it. I'm not in there because I'm not involved either. Katie isn't, because she's gone. She isn't one of the ones with the problem anyway."
"But, what about Tess?" Kyle demanded. "She didn't do anything! Neither did Isabel!"
"I never said they did anything to each other," Jack replied, sounding impatient. "But they certainly have things to work out in there. Vilandra was in love with Khivar." He glared at Grant as he said this. "Her Vilandra side needs to deal with that. And, as for Tess. Serena [I]lied[/I] to Khivar for years." He looked at Whittaker again. "You, better than anyone, should know that they have things to discuss, things to decide. Not figuring them out early was what destroyed your relationship with the original Khivar."
Liz was unsure how Jack had figured all of this out. Maybe he could see most clearly because he was the one with the least baggage brought over from their past lives. Or maybe the granolith was somehow helping him to understand. However it had happened, Liz believed him. This hadn't been about her doubts at all. She had them still, she knew, but the granolith had not taken them seriously. It had recognized them for the insecurities that any of them might hold, considering the extraordinary circumstances under which they were becoming aware of who they really were.
Liz felt a flash of awe, followed immediately by one of curiosity. What the heck [I]was[/I] the granolith? How did it [I]know[/I] exactly what to do? How had it known, that before they could really know what had happened in their past lives, they needed to come to terms with each other in the present? That, to really be a team, they needed to be able to accept each other in spite of what they might learn when their memories returned.
She and Jack and Kate had already accepted the rest of them, flaws and all, which was why they weren't involved. They would only complicate things by being present.
This did not negate Liz's concerns about her own role in the group. She still did not understand how she had so completely misjudged Will, but she knew that she forgave him. It was one reason that she was not involved in whatever the granolith was up to. Her gift was obviously screwed up somehow though. She wondered if part of her doubt about wanting to go back to Antar might stem from the suspicion that she would end up being more of a hindrance than a help. If she couldn't play a full part, she didn't want any role at all. The last thing the rest of them needed was to depend on her, only to have her fail them in the end.
It was something she was going to have to work out, this sense of inadequacy. Jack was right. She was who she was. She could not change that. But, she [I]did[/I] love the rest of them; Max most intensely, but the rest of them as well. She wanted to be one of them, whatever that meant, and it wasn't just because of Max. Max would have loved her whether she was Rowena or not. She knew that. It was only now that she was beginning to understand that she wanted acceptance from the rest of them too. Until she knew for certain that she had it, her doubts might not go away.
For now, though, that was going to have to wait. She didn't have a purpose in whatever was going on with the rest of them. She shook her head slightly, smiling wryly to herself. She had been lying to herself when she had said before that she wanted out. She didn't want out. She wanted [I]in,[/I] completely. Now that she didn't know what was going on with the rest of them, she was completely impatient.
She just hoped they would hurry and sort out what needed to be sorted. But, based on the amount of tension that existed between some of them, she was pretty sure they were going to be in there for a while.