Why We Can't All Just Get a Thong
(in the style of Monty Python - voiceover by John Cleese)
This just in--a manifesto released today by the Underwear Liberation Front declares that use of phrases such as "Don't get your kickers in a twist" (Or "your panties in a wad" for our American constituents) is hereby decreed to be undesirable. Please cease and desist from using these expressions immediately. Failure to do so will result in being dealt a vigorous "wedgie".
The following shall also be deemed punishable offenses if inflicted upon persons outside one's own home:
Skidmarks in one's shorts. This hygenic catastrophe can be prevented by the use of panty shields or regular changes of one's linen. Emergency room personnel are advised that triage based upon the condition of the patient's underthings is wholly condoned and this policy should be publicized to encourage greater fastidiousness on the part of the general public.
Visibile pantylines or underwear of a discernably different color than one's outerwear. Playful underwear (i.e., patterned, displaying cartoon characters, slogans, etc.) will not be censured so long as they do not violate this rule, however, they may be subject to Truth in Advertising standards: therefore, gentlemen, unless you can prove Kryptonian citizenship, leave the "Superman" briefs at home. Similarly, ladies, if you are going to wear panties emblazoned with days of the week, please be certain not to wear Wednesday on Saturday at the risk of being inspected by the Health Department for freshness. Individuals who are not in the armed forces but who are caught "going commando" will have no one but themselves to blame if real commandos kick their tushies.
Public display of any butt-cleavage whatsoever, to include the waistband of one's underwear visible for a distance greater than 5cm (2 inches). (Note: Plumbers are not exempted.) In addition, the wearing of thong-style swimsuits by anyone with a body-mass index above 30 is strictly prohibited. Guidelines dealing with the degree of permissible body hair to be exhibited will follow at a later date.
Violators will be spanked an appropriate number of times directly on the seat of their tighty-whities.
This silliness grew out of an e-mail discussion about doing laundry, believe it or not...