Scars
Summary: Faith is a thing hard leaned. JohnxElizabeth
Conversion Spoilers.
John Sheppard sighed, his eyes roving the horizon. He was standing alone on the balcony, as he had been all night, trying to ignore the pounding of guilt through his veins. He had figured out bits and pieces of the things he had done as a giant bug, mostly the little things like kissing Teyla and beating up the guards posted to his room. His eyes fell to the cup in his hand, coffee. He would have preferred something stronger, but the latest shipment of alcohol wasn't due to hit Atlantis until later in the week. McKay had been looking at him funny, Teyla had been raising her eyebrows a lot of at him, each time he mentioned Elizabeth Weir's name. It confused him, he couldn't remember Elizabeth at all from when he was a bug boy.
He tried to convince himself she had more important things to do then bother visiting him, but with people skirting him in corridors and looking at him in fear, he had the feeling something had been kept back. He had confronted Ronan and demanded to know why on Earth Elizabeth was avoiding him like everyone else, (every time he had gone to say hello, she had mysteriously been too busy to listen), only to be told 'Ask her yourself. But if you're afraid, take a look at her neck.' Confused by this statement, John had run off to search for the elusive leader only to be told she had gone to get some rest. Now resigned to the fact he had done something he felt he would regret more then anything, he sat on the balcony, wishing he could spread some wings and fly away.
He had always been alone. He never relied on anyone but himself. But then Elizabeth stepped into his life and suddenly being alone didn't seem appealing. She showed him another side of life when she smiled her natural smile at him, and John had admitted to himself then he was desperate to see her smile again. But he had done something for all the life of him he couldn't remember, and now she was avoiding him, throwing him right back into the river without paddles. He was once again, alone. How long would it be before he could regain her trust? Could he ever? Behind him, the door slid open and the familiar scent of vanilla filled his senses, and he realised Elizabeth had seeked him out.
He barely turned his head as she came to stand beside him, her red zipped-collar hiding her neck well. John sighed, leaning further over the edge, his now cold tea in his hands.
"Rodney says you seem down." She said softly, and he knew her eyes we're raking his face for a sign of emotion. He had his shutters down, effectively blocking anyone reading him. Except Elizabeth. His military mask never seemed to successfully hide anything from her. John sighed again.
"I did all these things," He said, barely above a whisper, "And I can't remember. I have flashes, nightmares of my hands, reaching out for something. I remember feeling irrepressible rage, watching myself hurt so many people without being able to control myself. I remember draining the life from someone, but every time I bring it up, everyone changes topic. I can't remember what I did." It was Elizabeth's turn to sigh, her elbows resting on the rail as she too leaned further over the edge.
"Perhaps it's better you don't remember. You didn't do anything serious John, and it wasn't you anyway. Why can't you move on? You want to know what people that bug hurt just so you can self loath yourself more?"
John's hands twitched.
"Can't you see it is me? I felt the darkness pulsing through my veins and all I wanted to do was hurt people. That hurt had to come from somewhere. It came from within me. How can you be so sure I won't hurt anyone else?" Hands squeezed his shoulder, pulling him to turn around, facing Elizabeth. His eyes looked down at their feet, but Elizabeth's hand under his chin forced it to look up into her eyes.
"I know you won't hurt anyone John. You one of the kindest people I've ever known. You would never intentionally put any of us in danger." John internally disagreed, but seeing the intensity of her gaze, he dropped his eyes. Frowning. Elizabeth's zip had partly come undone from spinning him around, and underneath the soft material he could see red lines across her throat.
Finger marks.
"What the-" was all he managed, as Elizabeth, realizing what he had seen, let him go to zip up her collar once more.
.:FLASHBACK:.
He was draining her life. He could see it now. It felt good, watching her struggle to breath, her fingers tightening into his skin, trying to get him to let go. Her fingernails, digging into his flesh, met nothing but the hardest scales. He had become better then his normal self. From somewhere within, he could hear screaming, begging for the darkness to spare this pitiful human. His fingers tightened, enjoying the power he had to control the human weakness within, watching her eyes begin to cloud over with oxygen deprivation. He could see his claws, digging into her neck, piercing the skin slightly as she began to bleed.
She spoke.
"We lost Walker and Steven's," She managed to splutter during her last moments before death, "I'm not sending another team."
These names mean nothing to me, and I enjoy tightening my hold as she gasps, trying to get air into her lungs. I watch with interest as a small truckle of blood runs from the side of her neck, my head cocks to the side as it falls onto the finger, and then suddenly I feel a burning pain. I remember, I remember the moments where we became friends, the humans, bonding over such things as 'feelings'. Then suddenly I lost control. Just for a second, my barriers failed and the human had full control. His eyes widened, finding himself strangling his only friend. Suddenly his hand pulled away and he stared as the figure in front of us slumped to the ground. Unacceptable. I pulled in my reins and quickly took over once again. It would hurt the human to see this pitiful creature die painfully, but as I stare, her lungs gasping for the air it was now receiving, I felt an underlying current of something I can't describe. The human weakness, it appears is stronger then I expected. Some force keeps me from hurting this human. It doesn't matter, my intention is fulfilled, the weakness is crying softly with inner pain at watching his leader fall. I jump from the scene, enjoying the feeling of freedom. The leader of the weak alliance of humans would no doubt raise the alarm, time was running out. I must escape.
.: END FLASHBACK :.
Elizabeth looked shocked that he had seen, and John himself felt the metal cup drop from his grasp. The loud clang as it hit the ground caught both of their attention, watching it as it bounced once then rolled under the railing, dropping out of sight. John felt sick. He backed away, Elizabeth looked afraid, and John realised he had done this to her. He had caused her this pain. Turning, as so she couldn't see the tears welling up behind his eyes, he ran from the balcony, taking the corridors at a sprint, desperate to get away and to order his jumbled thoughts. Where could he go? There was only one place he knew she wouldn't find him. Running past Rodney, who stopped and said something, it wasn't important, John kept running. Maybe if he did, he would stop hurting people. If he just kept running.
Elizabeth watched John sprint from the door, ignoring her shouts of 'John! Stop!'. He disappeared inside, and Elizabeth ran after him, cursing him for her stupidity. By the time she had made it inside, the corridor was already empty. Damn. She searched for a long few minutes, but with no sign of him, she sighed in resignation. Maybe he needed to be alone right now. He wouldn't do anything stupid. Not entirely convinced, Elizabeth trekked back to the control room, approaching Zelenka, who was typing something, slightly nervously.
"Hey, Radek." Zelenka looked up.
"Doctor Weir. Is everything alright?" He had noticed her disheveled appearance from running.
"Can you do me a favor? Can you see if you can get Colonel Sheppard on the tracker?"
Zelenka looked slightly suspicious, she couldn't blame him, but he did as asked, the map of Atlantis flashing onto his laptop.
He typed in a few more keys, but nothing came up.
"I'm sorry Doctor." He said kindly, "He doesn't seem to have his radio with him."
Elizabeth sighed. John was smart enough not to be found when he didn't want to be.
"Thanks Radek. Just, keep his between us okay? I don't want Caldwell finding out."
Zelenka nodded, but not before another voice broke through her thoughts.
"What's the emergency?" Rodney's voice startled her into almost jumping, but she controlled her face and looked up at him.
"What do you mean Rodney?" She looked at him, confused.
"I just saw Major Sheppard a few minutes ago. Running like there was a fire. I asked him the same thing, but he didn't answer. He looked like a man on a mission."
Elizabeth frowned.
"Where was he Rodney?"
McKay yawned.
"I don't know."
"RODNEY!" Elizabeth snapped, it wasn't often she did in such a cold voice, but Rodney quickly looked up, eyes flashing with something indistinguishable. Was it fear?
"Near the east Pier." Rodney said immediately. Radek didn't need to be told, automatically pulling up the tracker for all those with the ancient gene. All were in the allocated areas.
"No sign of him." Zelenka said quickly. Elizabeth frowned, horror dawning on her face.
"Radek, check the sea around Atlantis."
Rodney looked up in shock.
"Sheppard wouldn't do that. The Daedalus isn't here and those seas are rough due to the rain!"
Elizabeth sighed.
"Just check for me Radek." The sea sensors flashed onto screen, revealing nothing. McKay sighed a breath of relief, and internally, so did Elizabeth. A radio crackled, and it took a full minute for Elizabeth to realize someone was talking to her through her own.
"What was that?" She asked, frowning.
Lorne answered.
"Doctor Weir, someone has stolen a jumper."
Elizabeth frowned. "What?"
"Someone has stolen Jumper one. Flew it right out of the jumper bay."
So that's where he had gone. Elizabeth sighed.
"Thank you Major."
"Don't you want us to peruse them ma'am?"
"No, no, they'll be back. Continue with your other duties."
"Yes Ma'am."
Elizabeth sighed, nodding to the two scientists. Worried about John's well being as she was, she still had a job to do. By late evening, Elizabeth was getting worried. There had been no word on John's return, the jumper was still missing and Elizabeth had begun to feel awfully sick with worry. She had not an hour ago displaced three ships to locate him, but none had any luck. Therefore, it was a surprise when her radio crackled and she heard whispered instructions (in an oh so familiar voice) to come to the east pier. She left the control room immediately, hoping to talk some sense into him, and when she arrived at the pier, she found the puddle jumper hatch open. John was sitting in the drivers seat, and Elizabeth sat down in the passenger one beside him, watching as the hatch closed and the ship flew into their air.
"Where have you been, John?" she asked quietly, the silence palpable. He looked at her then, and she saw his eyes we're red rimmed and dark.
"I'll show you." He said, just as quiet. He looked down, and Elizabeth followed his gaze to her ancient version of a seatbelt. Feeling nervous, she clipped it on, well aware no one ever really used them. Suddenly, John pitched his hands forward and the ship flew down in a sharp ark. Elizabeth let out a gasp of fear as they fell toward the ocean, but John's face, frowned in concentration, led her to believe he knew what he was doing. The Puddle jumper made a loud explosion of a noise as it crashed into the rough waters, submerging almost immediately. Elizabeth looked on, as John steered it to the ocean floor, letting the controls go as the ship settled. Elizabeth frowned.
"The puddle jumpers can go underwater? I never knew that."
John looked at her.
"Neither did I."
Elizabeth suddenly felt a cold chill.
"John," She attempted to reason, "It's not your fault." He simply raised a hand and shook his head.
"Let me talk." She nodded, waiting for him to begin. His hands fiddled while he thought what to say. "I'm sorry. I know you don't blame me, and I must admit, it does make me feel slightly better. But I blame myself. And that's not going to change. I felt the darkness take me over and there was nothing I could do. What I did was inexcusable. I hurt you, and that kills me. If you we're gone, this entire place would be damaged beyond repair, and it would have been my fault. Therefore, I'm requesting to be transferred back to Earth ASAP. It'll get me out of your hair for good." Elizabeth blinked. What had just happened? Had he offered, to resign? Suddenly she felt angry. Beyond angry. Livid.
"Colonel John Sheppard." She said coldly, his head rising in shock. "I refuse, REFUSE to authorize a transfer. Your so wrapped up in your own self guilt, haven't you realize yet what this place would be like if you WEREN'T here? I would be DEAD, hell, the ENTIRE of ATLANTIS would have been destroyed! Ronan would still be on the run, Teyla would have been KILLED, McKay would have died, FORD would be dead too!"
John sighed.
"Better dead then how he is now."
Elizabeth smacked her palm on the ship dashboard, surprised when the ship responded to her touch, tipping slightly to the side. John jumped to his feet.
"What the-?" The ship continued to tip right toward a large darkened hole going deep into the sea bed, the bottom unseen, as John worked feverously at the controls. With the loud sound of the ship being pulled from the mud, the ship flew upwards, hovering just above the sea floor. Elizabeth shuddered,
"Oh god, I'm sorry." John turned away from the ship, grabbing her shoulders.
"Are you okay?" He asked, eyes showing concern. Elizabeth nodded, looking at them.
"Yes. Are you?" He said a muffled 'yes', pulling her forward and crushing her into a hug. She was shocked for a second, before responding. He pulled away, face red, but something shining in his eyes. Elizabeth recognized it. It was the same look Simon had given her when they first married. It was a promise.
"About the transfer…" He said slowly. Elizabeth smiled.
"Already forgotten. Can e go back to Atlantis now?"
John smiled, before crossing his arms in defiance.
"On one condition. You have dinner with me tonight."
Elizabeth frowned.
"I have reports to finish-"
John held up his hand.
"No. Reports can wait. As long as I'm on Atlantis, from now on, your having a meal with me at least once a day. I want to see you eating well." Elizabeth smiled, touched by his concern.
"Okay, John." He smiled, like a boy receiving his first puppy.
As the both returned to their seats, the ship leaving the sea and heading back to Atlantis, Elizabeth realised her bond with John was getting closer. And she realised no matter what mistakes he or even she, made on Atlantis, none stood compared to the relationship that they had. Their bond was stronger then anything life on an alien planet could throw at them.
Fin.