Episode 5:
'I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath'
- 'One Last Breath', by Creed -Days, weeks, months, years and entire ages. That was the time Darla was lost. Lost to the world, lost to herself.
Lost in past memories, dwelling in old faults. All her sins were unmercifully shown to her, all her crimes were brought to her mind. She was surrounded by her victims, thousands of them, all circling her, all staring fixedly with their empty eyes and their hollow faces. She was cornered by them, she saw her faces when she closed her eyes, she heard their anguished screams when she tried to sleep. They haunted her dreams and her watchful hours.
She no longer distinguished the day from the night, the memory from the nightmare, to be asleep from being awake.
She almost let herself die in that dark cave, far away from any human or demon. She could have let herself die – but she did not. Every night, she crawled out her cave, and hunted some nameless animal she could not bear to look on the face. She, who had been one of the greatest mass murderers in history; she, who had had no shame, felt sorry for a poor animal. Times had changed.
She did not know how long she was like that. Only that it felt like an etertnity.
However, one night she stood on her feet. She hunted down one last animal, and began to walk away from her hideout. She went to search for the nearest human town.
She was going home.
Los Angeles. Anything but an angelic place.
Darla watched the city's lights and the buildings went by through the bus' window. Last time she'd travelled in one of those, she'd eaten alive all the other passengers. The last time she'd been pregnant. And soulless.
Last time things had been very different.
She finally reached her destination and got out the bus. She watched it disappear in LA's never ending traffic, then she turned around and studied the building in front of her.
It was a grey, square-shaped apartment block made of concrete. There was nothing special or staring about it: it was a common, dull apartment block, like many in LA. The old Hyperion had been more classy, no doubt.
So this was the place the remaining members of Angel Investigations had chosen to hide from her and raise her son. She noticed there were no parks or playgrounds nearby. She was going to complain about that.
Darla got inside the building without problem. The tricky thing would be getting into the apartment. She'd have to get an invitation. She snorted. Yeah, that was very likely.
She ran upstairs to the second floor, too anxious to walk at normal speed. When she reached the corridor, though, she forced herself to walk at a normal pace. She also tried her best to look natural, in case one of the neighbours was looking, or in case she ran into one of Angel's friends.
She saw no one, though, and within a couple of minutes she'd reached the apartment she was looking for.
Darla stood in front of the white door, hesitant. She cast one last nervous glance at her clothes, checked they were fine enough, and knocked.
She heard muffled footsteps through the door, and then a voice with a strong British accent asked:
'Fred? Is that you?'
It took her a moment to remember who Fred was. Oh, yeah, the brown-eyed girl. She remembered her well.
'No. It's me'.
There was a silence. Then, she heard more muffled footsteps, this time getting away from the door, and a few seconds later, she heard them again, coming back.
The door opened to reveal a man aiming a crossbow to her chest. She hand't expected less.
'Wesley, right?'
He ignored her.
'What are you doing here?', he snapped. He was trying to sound cold, but she could notice the note of shock in his voice. She almost rolled her eyes. Had they really believed they could hide from her forever?
'I want to see my son. Like the last time I came looking for you'.
He eyed her, raising an eyebrow.
'What makes you think this time we'll let you see him?'
She took an unnecessary breath. Since she'd got her sould back, she did that a lot.
'I have a soul now'.
There was no reaction, no shift of movements, nor the slightest sign of surprise on Wesley's face.
'I see. Well, assuming I believe you – which I don't – why would it make a difference?'
Darla did show signs of surprise.
'How...how can you say that? Having a soul changes everything!'
Again, Wesley's face remained unfathomable.
'Not necessarily. I've heard that Spike, for one thing, kept on killing after his resouling' He ignored the shocked expression one her face and went on 'And it's not like souled humans can't do enough harm' He swallowed. 'A father doesn't need to be possesed to be hurtful'.
Darla stared at him, surprised beyond words at his last words. Sure, she'd seen many humans be cruel to their own children, but Wesley's voice denoted that he knew the fact from own experience. She soon pushed that thought away, it was none of her business.
'I'm just asking to see him. Just once. I wanna see if he's ok...please?'
Wesley looked into her eyes, and for the first time he looked uncomfortable. He avoided her gaze.
'I'm afraid I can't do that'.
'Why not? It'll be just a second!'
He shook his head.
'No, I can't do so because he is no longer with us. We've taken him to a safe place, a place neither you nor any of Connor's enemies will be able to find him. I'm sorry'.
And he shut the door on her face.
More crestfallen than she'd felt since she'd started her journey back to the States, Darla wandered for hours. There were so many questions exploding in her head and so few answers.
What was she going to do now? She knew that Wesley wasn't lying: Connor really wasn't there, and he really believed she'd never find him. But he'd already been wrong on that once, and he did not know one little detail: her bond with Connor. That bond will help her to find him.
She made up her mind. She was going to look for him, no matter what. Sure she didn't have a clue of where to start, but she was going to find him anyway. After all she'd been through, she'd learnt that 'impossible' was relative.
But first, she had to visit an old friend again...
PriscillaPal: I'm glad you like this fic, I hadn't great expectations when I first posted it. About Cordelia and Angel, I agree with you: Season Four was highly disappointing, after all that had happened in the previous season! Not like Cordelia and Angel have a happy ending here, either, but at least she didn't turn out bad and planned an apocalypse, right? And if you want some scenes between Darla and Spike, this is the fic for you.
Imzadi: Well, what can I say? Thank you for four great reviews! Really, thank you very much for all your comments. The parts of Connor's birth and Darla's trials were especially difficult to write, I'm relieved to see they turned out ok. And the scene between Darla and Spike is also a favourite. Thanks!
I'm afraid this episode is kinda short, but I promise next one will be much longer!