Monday, October 31
Continuity sucks. If something doesn't quite match up with what happened in the animated show, my answer is "That never happened," okay? Okay. Further, although I'm reading the transcripts now, I'm still unable to watch the show in it's animated glory, so my fics diverge from sometime after Season 2(except this one, which obviously occurs immediately after "Winner Takes All"), okay? Okay. Now, feel free to tell me what sucks, and I'll try to correct it.
Disclaimer: No claim to Teen Titans or anything related to it. I wrote the story, but I really don't have claim over that either. At least lemme know when you pilfer it, okay? Okay.
Winner Takes All or Nothing to Lose.
Part 2: Now Please Leave
It was about two in the morning when the Master of Games was in his private kitchen going over his monthly routine of paying his bills and balancing his checkbook. Yeah. That never worked like it was supposed to. He had been meaning to look into that "online banking" thing. It looked so easy. Did he just take the cable connection from his TV and plug it into his computer? He'd have to figure it out--without Comcast's help preferably. Devil knows they'd stick him with a new charge (there was an "abduction of cable person" fee?) just to ream his--
Terra walked in stretching, and started, surprised to see him. "Crap, guy, you scared me."
"What are you doing in my private kitchen?"
She ignored him and went to the fridge to pull out a pint of the ice cream known as "cookie dough." After the three-hour fudge binge yesterday, she had sworn off the stuff. Of course, swearing off sugar would've been better for her, but it was just indisputable proof that women didn't know what was good for them...
...Holy crap! "Psychology Today" was correct! He WAS a misogynist!
...Oh well.
"What are you doing up, Heroine?" He asked here while she considered pouring hot fudge(Ha!) onto her overfull bowl of ice cream.
"We were watching 'Adult Swim,'" the teen explained.
"Ah, you should've informed me. I enjoy watching the programs."
"Yeah?" she dug into her ice cream half-heartedly.
"My favorite is still the Pam and Tommy Lee one."
Terra made a half-laugh/half-snort sound, spraying the fudge through her nose. "You're funny."
"And you are most disgusting," he responded, eyeing his expensive (stolen) table critically.
She laughed again, wiping up the fudge with a napkin and smearing it into his mahogany table. The blonde fidgeted with her spoon some more, not really interested in the ice cream. "My friends, they don't like Slade."
What did this have to do with adult programming? "Slade is a powerful man."
"Tell me about it!"
Oh no she didn't. He knew what that meant. He waited and she ran her mouth as expected. Something about a secret. Something else about Slade going to help the Titans through Terra. Stupid lass.
"But if they can't be turn around on Slade--" She went on. Heavens, would this girl go on forever? If she ever started a story with "So I was freakin' wasted, right?" he'd listen. Until then, shut up, runt.
"Your allies should realize that power is all, else they are foolish allies," he finally interrupted her.
"Exactly!" Terra nodded, so sure he was actually listening to her. "Slade helped me! He can do so much for Raven!"
"If ever there be a choice, power must come first. The weak cannot but destroy their own associates, even in assistance."
"So if they don't agree with me about Slade...?"
"Convince them the hard way, child. Your people call it the 'tough love,' which is an utterly foolish sentiment..." he went on and on about something. Terra, having already gotten what she wanted from the conversation went back to her ice cream. Jeez! This guy talked like a Viking! "Power," this; "Challenge," that; "Bothersome Wench," something or other. If he ever started a story with "So I was freakin' wasted, right?" she was there. Until then, enjoy talking to yourself.
"...And in defeat, a lesson is learned. People shall respect your display of skill and power and become your comrade..." And he could go on! Terra smiled and pretended to listen. He didn't seem to notice she didn't respond, like, ever. Did he just not care? And she suspected he barely listened to a word she said. Men.
"Allies dislike displays of weakness! Surely you know something of the nature, what with your previous--"
"Wow, thanks. I feel much better. Night-night!" The little girl said all in a rush, eager to go to bed. Well. That went quite splendid. He advised the chit in her silly problems and she listened, rapt, for once. Why, he could do that all day.
In comparison, trying to figure out why the number he had come up with was five hundred more than his actual balance was quite dull.
At noon the girls woke up. Raven was the first, rising somewhat early (eleven-forty) with a mission in mind. She knew where the masseuse was kept. She was just too nervous (and oddly giddy) to do anything about it yet. She paused in front of the door to the spa. The pale Goth couldn't keep the silly grin off her face.
"Jeez, Raven. Get a hold ofyourselfomigod!" She was just too excited! She finally opened the door...
The room was steamy for no reason. He was over six feet tall and broad, with a full mane of dark tresses framing his head, powerful neck and shoulders. Oh, and he was bare-chested. And shiny. So, so shiny. He slowly turned to face Raven with smoldering brown eyes. "My Lady, you've caught me at an inopportune moment. I was just oiling myself--"
At that point his pecs flex impressively. Oh god, he was one of those big dumb beefy types--and right now Raven had no problem with that!
"--Reading D.H. Lawrence--"
Oh: Raven was in love!
"--And nearly weeping at the plight of man's subjugation to the machine of commerce."
She would swoon!
Eventually, all the girls did wake up, and Raven just wouldn't shut up about her massage by Raul. Of course, they all pretended not to here their host's suggestion that the Tournament commence, and decided to play a game of spades while the team of cooks prepared a little something called "Cake for Breakfast."
"And then he recited 'The Tempest' while working out all this tension I didn't know I had. Eh, this is crap. What do you have Star?" Raven finally bid.
"I got five strong, maybe six." Terra told her partner, Jynx, while stuffing a fudge brownie into her mouth.
Starfire looked confused. "I think I should double down; I do not have any of the spades."
Raven shrugged. "Nil, then. Don't feel bad I don't...hold up." She cast an accusatory glance at Jynx. "You're cheating!"
"Oh, like that's such a surprise!" the villain shot back.
"At cards?" Raven went on. "You have to cheat at cards?"
Jynx pointed a finger at Terra, "She helped me!"
Uh-oh. Damage control. "Let's not get bogged down in the details here..." Terra tried to appease her teammates, brownie falling out of her mouth while she spoke. "I didn't see the harm--"
Starfire was on the verge of tears, "Terra, you have defrauded our confidence in your 'Leet Skills' of the card-playing expertise."
"Yes!" The Master of Games bellowed. "Allow this mere rift of competition to sow the ill seeds of dissent among you! Grind your petty alliances to dust under the crushing weight of rivalry and opposition! Destroy each other and grant me your extraordinary capabilities, so that I may defeat Robin and regain the outrageous powers of the shape-shifting, the flame, and the Boo-yah--"
His teen charges, naturally, took this time to look at him strangely.
"Um...what the heck?" Raven finally offered.
"This man is sooo bi-ZARRE!" Jynx added.
"Yeah, what's with you always wanting to fight, guy?" Terra asked.
Starfire was quite lost as to what was going on (everyone was, but she didn't know that) so the alien decided to comment on something she was sure of, "The Master of the Ceremony is quite hairy."
"Oh man!" Terra concurred. "He's like Chewbacca!"
"He looks like my dad," Jynx noted disgustedly.
"Gross!" Raven commented.
The Master of Games stood there, hands on hips pretending not to hear their discourteous remarks. He didn't care what they said. Who were they? Nothing to him. Just some children--some girls. Some girls who were too afraid to just fight already. They were--
"Do you get, like, a winter coat too?" Terra giggled.
"Impertinent Harpies!" He yelled back. He gave a mighty roar that shook the walls and rattle his estate from its very foundation. The fabric of the Hell Dimension of the Arena of Games trembled in the wake of such testimony of his might and rage. Four little girls, however, were so not impressed.
"Now you're throwing a temper-tantrum?" Raven rolled her eyes. "What a baby."
They went back to their game of spades.
Discouraged and disheartened, the Master of Games (would there ever actually BE another Game?) decided he needed a break. He was up early paying bills and hadn't slept since--you try sleeping after discovering Comcast had slipped you a "trans-dimensional connection" fee, a "TV Guide Channel" fee, a "we effing hate you" fee, a "It doesn't matter that you don't watch the Lifetime channel, 'cuz we're gonna charge you for it anyway" fee, and a "no-fees waiver" fee. Turns out if he didn't sign the no-fees waiver, they wouldn't have hit him with all those fees. They wouldn't have hooked up his cable, either, but still...
Ultimately, he decided to just take a shower and go back to bed. The girls weren't going to fight today--they were too intent on getting on his nerves and mooching as much as they could. He should have just accepted that Robin may have cheated his way to victory, but he won and that was that. Yes: Robin was a cheater, but it was not the Master's job to put the brat in his place, perhaps. Sour grapes and all that. Besides, any kid that still walked around in clown-colored, ball-hugging tights didn't deserve the Masters attention anyways. Forget Robin.
There was toothpaste all over his private bathroom. Great. His bath smelled like a breath mint. Just another lovely benefit to having a house of brats. There was spittle in his mirror for who-knows-what reason, a wet towel dripping onto the floor next to Raven's even wetter cloak (hand-washed, he presumed), and somebody's underwear was balled up and tossed into the corner.
Oh well. He didn't care anymore...
Oh. Hell. No.
Hell no! What WAS that! Was it from...? Or...?
THIS WAS UNACCEPTABLE!
He stomped his way back to the area where the little she-tyrants were playing their stupid card game. They would pay: via desecration of their pathetic carcasses!
"And what in Hades' unnatural torment is THIS?" He yelled, the large clump of hair dripping wetly onto his shag carpeting. That couldn't be normal! Did it fall out like this every day? How did men manage to go bald first?
Unless...was it not from their heads!
"Ew, get that outta my face, guy." Terra complained.
"It's just hair. Throw it away." Raven pointed out.
"I cannot take this! You were invited here to do battle! Instead you lay about eating, bleeding and shedding like a pack of wounded cocker spaniels!"
"That was a gross image." Raven commented, rolling her eyes at the theatrics.
"You will do battle! You will battle because I say! Because I am bigger than you, I am smarter than you, and--will you look at these pecs?--I am cuter than you!" The Master raged on.
"Okay, okay. Jeez, what an jerkface!" Terra complained.
There. See? That's all it took. Women want you to tell them what to do--otherwise they're lost. You just get into their face and start hollering, they'll appreciate you taking charge of a situa--
"So...where are they?" Starfire asked.
"Where are who?" The Master shot back.
"Our audience." Jynx explained.
"There is none."
"Then, who's entertainment are we fighting for?" Terra wondered.
"It's for the spirit of competition. And my own entertainment, I supposed."
"Ew," Raven commented. "You mean to tell me you abducted four young ladies to slap each other around for your own entertainment, in a secluded place inhabited by no one but you and a bunch of Euro-menservants?" The four teens took several steps back while exchanging cautious looks.
Oh how he hated these girls. "I'll be back with your audience."
He returned minutes later with a fourth-grade class. "I'm am told they are on recess for the next fifteen minutes only. We must be expedient in battle."
Raven cocked an eyebrow, "What is this 'we' stuff? And how did you get these kids?"
"I offered them candy."
The four teens took several steps back while exchanging cautious looks.
"FIGHT DAMMIT!" He demanded.
"Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh!" the children all said in unison.
"You said the 'damn' word," one of them explained.
"Whatever, let's just do this and get our prizes," Terra suggested.
The four fighters were transported to the Arena. Finally! The dance of death had once again been initiated! The Master took his place in the Grand Throne while fourth-graders drew on his walls. One of them threw up in the corner. Thank goodness he enslaved servants!
But now he was focused on the impending battle. This was gonna be good! "Round One shall be--"
"I'm gonna paint your nails." A little girl decided, trying to color him with a red crayon.
Whatever. "That is fine. Round One--"
"Where are your pants? Why are you wearing a skirt?" On little boy (none of these children have names) asked.
Cursed interruptions! "This is not a skirt," The Moderator of All Challenges explained. "This is a loin cloth. Pants restrict movement in battle, and are quite unfashionable."
The brat seemed to mull this over then, having agreed, took off his own pants. "You're right." With that he ran off to go play tag or something.
So what. "Round One--"
"Joey doesn't have any pants one!" one little girl whispered in his ear. Also, only one of the children has a name.
"I don't care. Round--"
"Terrance hit me!"
"Rachel hit me first!" Okay, only three of the children have names.
"Round One shall be the First and Final Round!" he finally got to announce, screaming at the top of his lungs. "It shall be a fatal four way between...
"...Raven...
"...Terra...
"...Starfire...
"...And Jynx!"
"Why was I mentioned last?" Jynx grumbled.
"It shall be no-holds barred!" The Master went on, determined to ignore all distractions.
"It's 'cuz I'm a villain, ain't it?" Jynx went on.
"There shall be only one victor! Let nothing get in the way of your goal of vanquishing your rivals! Stop at nothing to win! Allow the bloodlust to awaken your--"
"Okay, Rule One: no hitting in the face," Terra suggested, pointed at her cute little nose.
...What the hell now?
"Yes," Starfire agreed. "And Gn'racking of the Hair is totally forbidden!"
They were making rules? Did he not just say "no-holds-barred?" "Stop at nothing?" What did they think such phrases meant?
"And no attacking a downed person." Raven added. "Give them three feet of space, and let them get up."
No kicking a hapless loser while they were down? That was his favorite part!
Jynx had a rule of her own. "And no doubling up on somebody. Strictly one-on-one or not at all!"
"Okay," Terra decided. "Oh: and safe word's 'pistachio!'"
The fight was okay, he guessed. Actually, it was pretty good, despite the stupid rules. Raven getting into a clash with Terra had been quite the show until the morphing terrain became a field of empty space with platforms Terra seemed to have no control over. The girl saw how that situation would play itself out and surrendered immediately. Jynx quit all too easily, having been stuck in the gut once by Starfire (although she claimed it was the same as getting hit by a car--wimp!). Starfire had nearly beaten Raven when Star simply gave up. Girls!
But no matter, The Master of Games had absorbed the vanquished, and now he was ready to get back at that bony little boy with no pupils!
"Well done, Champion of Champions." He told Raven who was looking around for the others. "Victory is yours."
"Where is everybo--oh, there they are." She waved her hand and the jewel and his neck glowed once more. The fallen contestants materialized right before him! This was nucking futs!
"You--you're still at full fighting capacity!" the Master marveled. "All of you are!"
Raven shrugged, unimpressed. "Why would we waste ourselves trying to beat each other up? What prize is worth a bruise? Or getting sweaty?"
"A pony!" a little girl said.
"I did say there would be prizes, young champion. I did not say they were for...wait a minute!" he realized. "I did not win prizes either!"
Starfire, who was over playing with the children, ran over to him. "I drew you something!" she announced, handing him a large piece of construction paper with...something on it.
"This is you performing the ancient Tameranian ritual of acting furious to impress your guests with your powerful displays of emotion." It was more like a box with stick limbs and an angry face. "And this is Jynx cheating at cards. Here is Raven and Raul getting married--"
"What?" Raven wondered.
Starfire went on, "--having lots of babies..."
"What!" the Goth yelped.
"This is Terra beating Jynx with her 'Leet Skills' of the card-playing. See how she is covered in the fudge?"
"Yes, I see that." The Master noted.
"I have to go to the bathroom!" some brat said.
"And this is me working on my Clicking of the Channels!"
"Why this...is...most magnificent!" He had never gotten such a gift before. Look at that! Those were the little children tearing his Great Hall apart! And look what was in his hand! Was he mistaken or was that not supposed to be the wretched Hair From the Drain? Most extraordinary! Of course, he could not defeat the insufferable Robin with it, but the way that kid insisted on having Starfire drop him from the sky in every other fight, he was going to end up a stain on the pavement any day now...
"I shall hold this booty in the highest esteem." He announced. "It is the greatest treasure--Comcast shall not have it."
"That's...nice and all." Jynx said, not entirely meaning it. "But are there consolation prizes for getting my ass kicked?"
"Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh!" the children all said in unison.
In the vault there wasn't much in the way of prizes. He hadn't done pillaging in a long time. "Um...how's this" He used the gem to materialize a moped before the teens."
"A moped?" Jynx wondered. What a bizarre award? Who gave out mopeds? She was expecting a ten-dollar gift card!
"Somebody asked for it, didn't they?"
"No, it's cool." The villain assured. "I like it, just was kinda expecting a gift basket or something."
"Um...for Terra..." The erstwhile Vanquisher of Fallen Warriors took off his chalice. He didn't need it any more. His attempt at power was a total failure. This thing was useless as far as he was concerned, but he heard somewhere that the addled minds of females were attracted to shiny objects. He tossed her the necklace. "A reminder of our discussion, chit. The price of strength is indeed great, but the rewards, I'm sure, will be greater."
Terra nodded. She would simply have to kicked Titan ass until they could see the Truth Slade spoke. That's what this Game Guy meant, right? "Yeah, I'll be sure to do that."
"Starfire...wait!" He ran out of the Great Hall and returned minutes later with...
"Oh!" Starfire beamed. "Mildew!"
"It is a mold," the ex-Conqueror of Beaten Fighters explained. "And no doubt you'll find much of it in the walls, should you so search--"
Star promptly shoved her fist into the nearest wall, and pulled out a fistful of some bluish-gray mass. "Indeed, you are correct!"
Eh, what did he care! He had servants to fix things, now! "I can only hope it shall be as interesting as the study of fungus. And now--"
"I'm hungry!" a brat shouted.
"Where are we?" some child finally wondered.
"--If you do not mind getting the hell out and taking these cursed children with you!" he finished. "Oh, but please leave the slaves--er...servants."
The End.
Epilogue
Some time later, the former Master of Competition was met with an entirely new experience: thank-you cards.
He had never heard of such a thing. Imagine! Women would waste their time sending notes instead of merely showing your appreciation by not complaining. Or saying, "thanks" if you felt it was necessary--no, not enough for a woman: she has to send a note!
The first to arrive was from Starfire and Raven, by magic. Raven's careful calligraphy script was quite impressive and her writing was leagues more eloquent and flowery than her biting witticisms in speech. Who knew Raven could say nice things? Certainly not he! Yet here she was quoting poetry for him!
Starfire's note was less about expressing gratitude and more about rambling. Apparently she had told the entire story to the Titans and couldn't understand why their two accounts of the Tournaments didn't quite match. Also Beast Boy was irate about getting cheated out of a scooter or something. Then again, Beast Boy was also an idiot.
Jinx's had arrived last, also by magic. She was back in school, and doing fine, and apparently falling for some muscle head named "Stone." If that cretin dared break Jynx's heart, the old Master of Games would tear him to pieces and distribute the portions of his worthless corpse to all corners of the galaxy as warning!
Terra's note came by way of--and along with--the powerful jewel he had given her. She was returning it, the note said. She was beginning to suspect that Slade was a sham and the strength she was seeking could not be found in such a character.
What the hell was she talking about?
Comcast also sent a note. The check he had written had bounced and for that they were charging him extra. Damn. Well, now that Terra had given the jewel back, perhaps he could go invade France or something.
Perhaps Terra had a point though. His own quest for the magnificent powers lead him far astray, had it not? Maybe life's pleasures were to be found elsewhere? He would think about that.
But first: invade France.
A single, still quite manly, tear fell from his cheek onto Terra's hopeful note, just above the carelessly scrawled "Thanks Guy!" at the bottom of the card. Those girls. Perhaps he should invite them back sometime.
Until then, he would excel in the only true power he would ever possess.
Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click...
FINN.
Epilogue part 2
Beast Boy stretched and swung his legs out of bed. Groaning, he pulled himself up and staggered to the bathroom to begin his daily routine. He opened the door. The room was steamy for no reason...
Raul turned to face him, "Beast Boy, you've caught me at an inopportune moment. I was just oiling myself--"
"AH GOD!" BB shouted, slamming the door.
Game Over.
A/N: Well, I'm glad somebody liked it. My personal favorite line was "There shall be lots of death and fudge for all," but I guess that snipe at Robin being unstoppable was okay too. I've got other ideas to toy around with, but