Disclaimer: I own Cynthia, Alma, Misty, and the guy with the flashlight. THEY ARE MIIIIIIIINE! But Stabler, Benson and everyone else are not mine, sadly….
Chapter 3: Hints
Elliot was sure that this was Hell.
Or, at least, something pretty close to it.
Cynthia, Alma, and Misty were sitting on the floor a few feet away from him, and all were fiddling with items they'd clearly stolen from him while he was unconscious, just an hour or so ago. Misty was holding his badge and was reflecting it in the light, apparently attempting to blind herself, although she was grinning like an idiot. Cynthia was holding Elliot's gun, and had been randomly aiming at inanimate objects and saying, "BOOM!" or "BANG!" or "BLAM!" and then giggling madly and adding, "I am so badass." And Alma was wearing Elliot's signature long black coat, and had it buttoned all the way up, so just her eyes and forehead peeked out above the collar. For the last twenty minutes or so, she had been inhaling deeply, and then exhaling long, dreamy sighs that were making Elliot extremely uncomfortable, and he made a mental note to burn the coat if and when he got out of here.
And to make matters worse, the girls were exchanging "remember that one episode" remarks. And consequently,Elliot was about ready to bash his head against the wall.
"Remember that one episode where he was lifting those really big, heavy weights?" Misty chattered. "And he was all sweaty and hot, and his shirt was all wet?"
"Yeah!" Alma, whose voice was slightly muffled as her mouth was hidden inside the coat, nodded enthusiastically. "And then Olivia walked in?"
"And she tried really hard not to look like she was turned on by that, but she totally was?" Cynthia finished.
"That was a good episode." Misty nodded.
"That was so hot," Alma agreed.
"Hey, remember that one episode where Elliot went home after a really long, hard day at work, and he was all tired, and then undressed and we got to see him in his underwear?"
"Oooooh yeah! And it they were BLUE!"
"So they weren't tightie-whities, they were tightie-BLUSEYS!"
"And we got to see his bulge!"
They all squealed manically.
"Oh my God….." Elliot muttered.
"And remember that one episode where Elliot was, like, all pissed off at this child molester," Alma said, gasping slightly for breath, "Cause he tried to convict the guy before, but he got out for some weird reason, and then they were all in the interrogation room, and they got a confession and –"
"And then he went out and he punched the lockers!" Misty finished gleefully, clapping her hands. "Oh my God, that was SO cool! And remember that one episode with that Russian whore they were interrogating, and she was totally hitting on Elliot?" Cynthia added.
"Yeah!"
"That was cool."
"And remember that one episode with the lady who had some weird disease that made her really horny all the time," Cynthia said excitedly. "And she had sex with all those underaged boys, but then Benson and Stabler got her, and when Stabler was interrogating her, she, like, totally French-kissed him and grabbed his crotch and said "Let's get it on!" and then he shoved her and she got knocked out?"
"That was so hot!" Misty agreed.
"A disease that makes you horny all the time? I think I might have that…." Alma glanced sideways at Elliot and licked her lips.
Dear God, Elliot prayed silently. I swear if you get me out of here before this crazy slut tries to bang me, then I will never partake in another fanfiction ever again.
To which God replied, "Well, ordinarily I would, Elliot, but then Quirky Writer would be out of a job. And if she's out of a job, then she might decide to start robbing banks in her free time, rather than writing short, humorous fanfictions. And I can't have that, now can I?"
"No, you can't," Quirky Writer smiled. "Thanks, God!"
But although God may not have been on poor Elliot's side, thankfully, the rest of the SVU squad was….
Cragen, Olivia, Fin and Munch had stopped by the place where Elliot had been kidnapped, to find the fangirls' discarded shirts, in hope that perhaps some DNA could be salvaged from the clothes.
"I doubt we'll find anything," Cragen said, looking grave. "This is a waste of time."
"Don't be so cynical," Olivia replied in a surprisingly flinty tone, pulling on a pair of gloves.
They walked into the alley. The shirts were still lying there, on the wet concrete. Olivia reached down and picked one up, as did Fin.
"And besides," Olivia added. "These could be our only leads if evidence is found. We've got no leads, we've got no witnesses –" Olivia suppressed the urge to add Our pets' heads are falling off! and resisted,"– And if we don't find something soon then…."
"Olivia!" Fin said suddenly. "I've found something."
Immediately, the trio of cops crowded around him.
"What is it?" Cragen asked eagerly.
"It's this shirt," He held up a pink, frilly chemise. "Our perp wrote her name on the tag."
"You're joking!" Olivia snatched it away from him.
Sure enough, Alma Prescott was written in big, cramped lettersinpermanent black ink on the tag.
Munch shook his head. "I love idiotic criminals."
"Munch, Fin, see if we can find this Alma Prescott," Cragen said, and took Cynthia's shirt away from Olivia to give to him. "And see if maybe she knows someone named Cynthia."
"…. I have to go with him…. Alone?" Munch asked, slightly tentative.
"She's not going to write a slash fic!"
"That's right, old man, so you're stuck with me," Fin grabbed Munch roughly by the elbow and waltzed off with him.
Once they were gone, Olivia turned back to Cragen.
"Cragen," Olivia frowned at him. "Why didn't you let me go with them? I saw Alma and Cynthia, I could help them narrow the suspects down quicker."
"Olivia, I just think you need to relax a little," Cragen said soothingly. "You've had a rough day, you're injured, and you look like hell. Why don't you go home and rest for a while, we've got this."
"First of all," Olivia began fervently, her eyes flashing, as a band began to play quiet, mood-appropriate music, and the lights all around her darkened for her dramatic monologue. "My day hasn't been nearly as rough as the day Elliot has to suffer through right now. He has been kidnapped by fangirls, Cragen! Do you know how much he must be suffering? And I refuse to go home and just sit idly by when my partner, someone I care for in a totally brother-sister way, but have no sexual or romantic feelings for whatsoever, is in pain, because I feel his pain. I can't and won't rest until we have Elliot back again. I'll do whatever it takes, I'll climb every mountain, search high and low, I'll ford every stream, follow every rainbow, until I find him and bring him home again!"
"Didn't you steal that from The Sound of Music?" A voice behind Olivia said.
Olivia and Cragen turned and, to their horror, Kathy stood there, staring at them, her arms crossed over her chest.
"Kathy!" Olivia exclaimed before she could stop herself. "Oh…. Hi….. How long were you standing there?"
"Long enough," She said stiffly, and motioned behind her. "I brought the band." The lights suddenly flickered, as if agitated. "….And the lights."
"Thank you!" A man sitting at the top of a ladder raised his flashlight and waved merrily.
Kathy ignored him and spoke to Cragen. Her voice was very cold, "Please tell me why it is that I had to find out that my husband has been kidnapped by fangirls and is possibly in mortal peril, not from you, his boss and his confidante, but from a pack of hysterical SVU fans who knocked on my door this afternoon and asked for a donation for the Save Elliot from Certain Death by Fangirls Foundation, and then once they recognized me, bombarded me with questions about Elliot and why I want a divorce, ran inside my house, scared my kids half to death, used my toilet, wrote "harlot" on my bedroom walls with my lipstick, and stole all the chocolate chip cookies I had made this morning."
Cragen blinked, "Well, uh, Kathy, we…. We thought you might not be able to uh…. Well, we…."
"They didn't think you'd give a shit." The man with the flashlight shouted from up on the ladder.
Kathy looked at Olivia and Cragen, shocked and appalled. "You didn't think I'd care about Elliot's safety? Why?"
"Because you're a cold-hearted bitch who tore his heart into a million tiny little pieces when you served him with divorce papers for no apparent reason other than "oooh you're never hoooome anymore, you don't looooove meeeeeanymoreeeee" and took away his kids!" The man with the flashlight shouted again.
"Shut up!" Kathy snapped with such viciousness that the man let out a loud yelp of fright and toppled head-over-feet off the ladder, and landed in a garbage can with a loud crash, his flashlight clattering across the pavement.
Kathy turned back to Cragen and Olivia, now composed. "So…. You didn't think I would care about Elliot just because we're getting divorced?"
"Um…. Yes?" Cragen said the word and immediately jumped behind Olivia, using her as a shield.
"I see," Kathy said stonily. "Well, you're both wrong. I might not be in love with Elliot anymore, but I do care about him."
"How sweet," Cragen said from behind Olivia. She nudged him, and he reluctantly came back out in front.
"Exactly," Kathy said. "And this is why I want to help you find him."
There was a long pause.
The man with the flashlight popped his head out of the garbage can, a banana peel perched on his head, and exclaimed with great excitement, "What a fantastic plot twist!"
Meanwhile, Cynthia, Misty, and Alma had moved on from playing with Elliot's things and exchanging episode trivia, and had maneuvered him and the chair he was tied to in front of their musical instruments.
"And now for your listening pleasure," Alma said grandly, holding her clarinet, "We present to you, our own rendition of the Law & Order: SVU theme song!"
She looked behind her. "Ready, girls?"
"Ready!" Misty, who was at the keyboards, and Cynthia, who had the guitar, said in unison.
"Aaaaaand a one, and a two and a threeeeeeee!"
The three girls began to pound away on their instruments with uncontrolled ferocity, and Cynthia began to sing,
"Bah BUM, bum bum bum bum bum baaaaaah, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, bum bum bum bum bummmmm bummmmm, WER WER WER WER NERRRNEERRRR…."
"And now, my interpretive dance!" Alma yelled above the noise, and she leaped in front of Elliot, twisting her body around and gyrating andsashayingwhile playing the clarinet. She then fell on the ground and waved her legs in the air like a synchronized swimmer in a pool. Elliot just watched it all in pure, miserable awe.
Once the song was over, Alma, Cynthia and Misty stood and bowed low for him, and then stared at Elliot with anxious faces.
"Well?" Misty whispered. "What did you think?"
"….. If you're going to kill me, then for the love of God, can you please just get it over with?" Elliot said.
A/N: Next week…. The cuffs are off, Elliot gets a little freedom – or does he? And what will Olivia find when she digs into Alma's past? Read and find out… NEXT SATURDAY!
Love,
Q.W.