Chapter Ten
Fear of Death
ONE
A slow throbbing in his entire body awaked Harry. For a moment, he wondered why he was hurting so much, but then he remembered his vision. It was the most painful and gruesome vision he had yet had. Harry remembered it so clearly, and that in itself was strange. Malfoy and Avery had dragged a woman into the room in which Voldemort was holding the meeting. The only Death Eaters present, aside from Malfoy, were those whose loyalties were in question. The woman was no one. She was some random witch that Voldemort had kidnapped in order to prove a point. He tortured her and then ripped her into seven pieces. She lived until the end. Harry remembered so much blood and pain.
"Harry?" Snape asked from the door, effectively pulling Harry from his memories.
Harry meant to reply, but all he managed was a pained sort of groan.
Snape walked to the bed and sat down on the edge. "Are you in pain?" he asked. His voice was so soft and full of concern that it sounded very extrinsic to Harry.
Harry nodded slowly. "My whole body hurts," he said softly.
"I can't give you any more painkillers today," Snape said. "Do you want me to give you another massage?"
"No, thank you, sir," Harry replied. "The pain is inside. It's not my muscles."
Snape looked contemplative for a moment, and then his expression cleared. "I'm going to get you some vegetable soup," he said, standing up.
"I'm not…" Harry started, but Snape had already gone. He waited until Snape came back with a steaming bowl of soup.
"Here we are, Harry," he said with a smile.
"I'm not hungry," Harry said, knowing it wouldn't make any difference. Sure enough…
"Nonsense," Snape said, sitting down and placing a napkin on Harry's chest. "Once you get a taste of this nice soup, your stomach will open up." He spooned some up and fed it to Harry.
"Why are you being so nice?" Harry asked. His stomach felt contracted and full, but he forced down the food, knowing he needed it.
"What are you talking about, Harry?" Snape asked, giving Harry more soup.
"This," Harry said, motioning vaguely with his hands. "You give me potions, and you take care of me. You're hand feeding me soup, for Christ's sake! Why? You hate me! I know you do!"
Snape sighed and continued to spoon out the soup. "Of course I don't hate you," he said.
Harry lost his temper at Snape's dismissive tone. He hit away the spoon of soup Snape was trying to give him, sending a spray of broth and vegetables into the wall. "Don't give me that shit!" he said angrily. "You've always hated me! You've never given me any reason to think otherwise!"
"No?" Snape asked calmly. "And what would you call the last three and a half months?"
"Obligation," Harry spat venomously.
Snape sighed again. "I may have… disliked you before, but the reasons for that dislike no longer exist. I am not helping you out of obligation, as you so fervently put it. I am helping you because I care about what happens to you."
Harry sat silently, not believing a word Snape said. "I'm tired," he said.
Snape sighed for a third time and stood up. "Go to sleep," he said, still in that infuriatingly patient tone of voice. "You will eat more when you wake up."
"Whatever," Harry muttered. Snape left and closed the door gently.
TWO
Severus went to his bedroom and added three drops of dragon's blood to the Curse Blocking Potion. Harry's outburst made him feel very depressed and upset. He'd grown to care for the boy, and the fact that Harry still didn't believe him hurt. Severus rubbed his face roughly as he heard a knock on the door. Ah, at last some way to vent his frustration.
Mike was looking at the floor when Severus opened the door. "Come in," Severus said, turning his back and walking to his bedroom.
Mike came in, closed the door and stood still, looking at the floor.
"Remove your outer robe," Severus said without looking back. Mike complied silently.
"Tell me, Vent," Severus said coldly. "Have you thought about your action?"
"Yes, Caretaker," Mike replied quietly.
"And?" Severus asked sharply.
"It was wrong for me to betray your trust as I did," Mike said.
"You realize, of course," Severus said softly, "that I have not yet finished punishing your insolence."
"Yes, Caretaker," Mike almost whimpered.
"Come here," Severus said. Mike shuffled into the bedroom. "Close the door." Mike did. "You and I are going to play a little game." Severus began lighting candles on his dresser.
"What kind of game, Caretaker?" Mike asked.
Severus smiled, though Mike couldn't see it. Mike remembered Severus' speaking game. "Take off your shoes," he said. Mike did. Severus turned to face the young blonde. "I am going to have my way with you. You will do as I say and will not ask questions. There is a catch." Severus paused; when Mike said nothing he continued. "You must remain silent." Severus turned to a large mahogany chest next to his wardrobe. He opened it and removed a bullwhip and a small knife. He placed these items on the dresser and turned to a rather pale looking Mike. "Now, next door there is a very sick child who is attempting to sleep. Here are the rules; each moan earns you a cut from my knife. Each whimper earns you a burn from my wand. Anything louder than that earns five lashes from my whip. Do you understand the rules?"
Mike was looking decidedly nervous. "Yes, Caretaker," he said weakly. Severus moved across to Mike and caressed the blonde's cheek gently, almost lovingly.
"Do you want me, Vent?" he asked.
"Yes, Caretaker," Mike replied breathlessly.
"What is my name, Vent?"
"Severus."
"You will call me by my name."
"Yes, Severus."
"Do you want to feel me inside of you?"
Mike whimpered a bit and Severus began adding in his head. "Yes, Severus."
Severus broke contact and moved away. "Strip." Mike did. "Lay on your back."
Mike moved to the bed.
"On the floor," Severus elaborated. Mike hesitated. "Now," Severus said coldly. Mike did as he was told. Severus knelt above Mike and began touching the quivering body gently. He smirked as he felt a shiver run through Mike's body. He was going to make Mike as noisy as possible.
SNIP! SNIP! EDITED FOR NC-17 CONTENT!
"Kneel," he ordered. Mike did. "Stay that way until I return." Severus went to the bathroom, closed the door, and proceeded to enjoy a thirty-minute shower. When he came out, Mike was still kneeling, though there was an unpleasant grimace on his face.
"Is something wrong, Vent?" Severus asked coldly.
"My legs hurt, Severus," Mike replied.
"You will call me Caretaker," Severus said. "You are careless, Vent, and do not know how to follow directions." He walked to the dresser and picked up the small blade. "You moaned a total of seven times. Hold out your right arm."
Mike turned a sickly green color, but did as he was told. Severus cut seven four-inch lines into Mike's upper arm. Mike was clenching his teeth so as not to make any more noise.
"You can feel free to scream," Severus said as he straightened up.
"But what about…" Mike began.
"I always keep silencing charms on this room," Severus said, throwing Mike a rather evil looking smirk. Mike fell silent. "Now," Severus picked up his wand and put down the knife. "You whimpered three times." He burned Mike three times, underneath the cuts.
"Please, Caretaker," Mike whimpered pathetically.
"You screamed rather a lot," Severus said, ignoring Mike's pleas. "Twelve times, I believe. That's 60 lashes." Severus tucked his wand away and picked up the bullwhip.
"Please, no," Mike begged
Severus smirked. "You knew the rules and chose to ignore them. That is not my fault. Lean forward." Mike did and Severus began lashing him with the whip. He did the full 60 lashes, though he didn't do it as hard as he could have. He didn't want to kill the man, only punish him. After the punishment, Severus knelt down next to a very weak and whimpering Mike.
"Have you learned something today, Vent?" he asked.
Mike nodded mutely.
"What did you learn?" Severus asked.
"I w-will be m-more lo-lo-loyal in f-future, C-caretaker," Mike stammered.
"See that you are," Severus replied. "If I were the Dark Lord, you would be dead by now."
"Y-yes, C-caretaker," Mike said, nodding fervently.
"Good," Severus said, standing up. "Now get dressed and get out of my sight." Twenty minutes later, Mike was gone and Severus was fixing himself a cup of tea.
Harry's harsh words were still weighing heavily on his mind. What hurt were not the words, but the justification behind them. Harry had every reason to believe that Severus hated him. The trouble was that Severus had hated what he thought he knew about the boy. All of those reasons had been destroyed within a week of living with him. Severus found himself becoming extremely protective of Harry. Everything he did was punctuated with thoughts about how those actions would affect his young charge.
Severus shook his head, trying to clear it, and spooned a large amount of sugar into his tea. As he began to mix it in, his knees suddenly went weak and he felt the strength of the bond weaken. Harry was dying.
Severus ran to the bedroom as soon as he regained his balance and found Harry convulsing on the bed, his eyes rolled up into his head. This was not a vision. This was not another curse wracking Harry's body. Severus knew that what he was looking at was an actual seizure. He turned and ran to the fireplace. He took a pinch of floo powder and threw it into the flames.
"Poppy Pomfrey!" he yelled urgently. A moment later, Poppy stepped out of the fire. Severus led her to Harry's room.
Harry stopped shaking as they came in. In fact, he stopped doing anything at all, including breathing.
"Oh my goodness!" Poppy exclaimed, rushing to Harry's side. She put her ear to his chest. "Come here!"
Severus advanced at once. Poppy tilted Harry's head back and used Severus' fingers to pinch Harry's nose.
"I need you to breathe for him," she said.
"What?" Severus asked, suddenly feeling nervous. He'd never seen CPR before.
Poppy placed her hands, one on top of the other, in the center of Harry's chest. "Breathe into his mouth when I tell you," she replied. She pushed down hard, causing Harry's sternum to bend under the pressure. "One, two, three, four, five," she counted. "Breathe!"
Severus bent, put his mouth over Harry's and exhaled. When he lifted up again, Poppy began pumping.
"One, two, three, four, five, breathe!"
Severus breathed again.
"Come on, Harry!" Poppy muttered. "Breathe!"
Severus breathed again, but still nothing happened.
"Don't do this, Harry!" Poppy said, compressing Harry's chest yet again. "Breathe!"
Severus breathed again and this time Harry began coughing roughly.
"Oh, thank Merlin," Poppy said, relieved.
Severus sighed while attempting to keep his composure. He magicked Harry onto a stretcher and followed Poppy to the infirmary.
THREE
Harry could hear an argument as he slowly regained consciousness. He forced his brain to pay attention and realized the people who were speaking were Snape and Madame Pomfrey.
"I don't know, Severus!" Madame Pomfrey exclaimed. "This is unique! I've never seen anything like this before! No one has!"
"So you won't even try?" Snape asked. His voice was curiously strained as though he were almost in tears. "Don't you understand that he's dying, Poppy? His body is being destroyed from the inside out! You must help him!"
"I am not a miracle worker, Severus," Madame Pomfrey said gently.
Harry heard a sound that was unmistakably soft weeping. "Fine," Snape said after a moment, his voice thicker than before. "I will take care of him myself." Harry heard footsteps moving toward his bed.
"Of course I'll help him, Severus," Madame Pomfrey said. Her voice was also starting to sound strained. "It would be best if you left him with me. I'm much better at Charms than you are."
Snape sighed heavily. "Two weeks, Poppy," he said. "That's all I need is two more weeks. If you can keep him alive until then, then he will be fine. The potion will be ready in two more weeks."
"I can't promise anything, Severus," Madame Pomfrey replied. "I'll try, but I can't guarantee that he'll make it."
Harry heard a strangled sob before Snape spoke again. "I suppose that is all I can ask for," he said at last. Harry heard more footsteps coming toward him and then the creak of chair as Snape sat next to his bed.
"What are you doing?" Madame Pomfrey asked.
"I am staying with him," Snape replied quietly.
"I think not!" Madame Pomfrey said. "You're going back to your quarters and getting some sleep!"
"I am staying here!" Snape said forcefully.
"Then you will sleep in one of my beds," Madame Pomfrey replied. "Because you're certainly not staying awake. You're dead on your feet!"
Harry heard Snape stand. "Very well," he said wearily. "You will inform me right away if anything changes?"
"Of course," Madame Pomfrey said gently. "Now go!" Harry could see her pointing at the exit in his mind's eye and went back to sleep with a small, indiscernible smile on his face.
FOUR
Severus returned to his rooms feeling thoroughly depressed. He hadn't cried in nearly twenty years and it hurt to do so. He'd grown so attached to Harry. He'd gotten so used to the boy being there. He grown accustomed to Harry's mumbled 'G'morning Professor's' and his groggy frowns before breakfast. The very thought of Harry dying was enough to wrench a sob from him.
Severus poured himself a Scotch-on-the-rocks and sat down on his couch. He had no intention of doing what Poppy had asked/ordered him to do. His mind was so full of worry and pain that he knew sleep would be impossible. He closed his eyes and let his mind take him elsewhere…
An eighteen-year-old Severus was standing on the wooden porch of a very old, yet beautiful house. He looked out over the meadow in which the house was situated, fascinated by the way the wildflowers painted the landscape with so many different colors. He smiled as he felt strong arms encircle his waist from behind and he leaned back into the embrace.
"Your home is beautiful," Severus said happily. "Thank you."
"For what, Severus?" a deep voice asked gently.
"For bringing me here," Severus replied. "For showing me your home." He turned around in the embrace and looked up at his slightly taller lover. Jason McCullen had a load of black hair and eyes so pale blue that they looked like crystals. His dark tan made his eyes shine more brightly as he smiled down at Severus. Severus had always had a soft spot for dark-haired men with brilliantly colored eyes, and tanned skin. He found them beautiful, and Jason was no exception.
"I love you, Severus," Jason said gently. "You deserve to know everything about my life."
Severus kissed Jason's mouth softly and then leaned against his chest. "I love you too, Jason."
Severus opened his eyes and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He shook his head as he remembered his only true lover. Never again would he allow himself to become so enamored with someone. He had trusted Jason blindly, never willing to believe Jason capable of wrongdoing or treachery. Jason had been his biggest and most painful mistake.
Eleven-year-old Severus sat alone on the black leather couch in the Slytherin common room feeling like the ultimate outcast. No one had ever liked him, and he certainly didn't expect that to change just because he had come to Hogwarts.
As he sulkily began his very first piece of homework, a long and irritating Transfiguration essay, a boy came over and sat next to him.
"Hello," Jason said. Even at twelve, his voice had been somewhat deep and impressive. "I'm Jason."
Severus was so surprised that all he could do was stare.
"What's your name?" Jason prompted gently.
"Er," Severus said intelligently. "Severus Snape."
"Snape, huh?" Jason asked. "My surname is McCullen. I noticed you were struggling with your essay."
Severus nodded mutely.
"Would you like some help?" Jason asked. "Transfiguration is my best subject."
"Sure," Severus replied. "Thanks."
"No problem."
Jason had been so convincing. Severus never thought to question his sincerity. How foolish he had been. Seeing Harry struggling for life brought back many painful memories that he had hoped were forgotten. Harry lay dying in the infirmary and the last time Severus had spoken to him, it had been a fight of sorts. Severus couldn't stand the thought of Harry dying believing all of those horrible things. It hurt Severus a great deal to think that he had betrayed Harry, just as Jason had betrayed him, Severus. Harry had trusted Severus to keep him alive, and Severus had let him down in the worst way possible. Harry was going to die a slow, agonizing death and there was nothing Severus could do to prevent it. He didn't really believe that Poppy would be able to get Harry through the next two weeks, and the thought brought him to tears for the third time that night. For the first time in his life, he had failed to live up to a promise. Why did it have to be the most important promise he had ever made?
Severus sighed heavily and placed his untouched scotch on the table. It was nearing three in the morning now and Severus felt it was safe to go back to the infirmary unnoticed. He stalked through the halls silently and entered the infirmary like a ghost. Harry was in the third bed down the row, his pale face illuminated by a beam of moonlight coming in through the window across from him. Severus moved closer and sat in a chair next to Harry's bed. He leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees, his head hanging sorrowfully.
'How could this happen?' he thought miserably. 'Harry is too young to be forced to suffer so much. Is it really too much to ask for a little peace for the boy? Harry doesn't deserve to die, damn it! He doesn't deserve to have such an unhappy life!' He began to breathe deeply to prevent more tears from spilling.
FIVE
Harry felt very groggy and disoriented when he woke up early that morning. He opened his eyes slightly and was startled to find a dark head next to him. It appeared that Professor Snape had come back and fallen asleep in the chair next to Harry's bed.
Harry looked around at the window and saw the gray light of early morning. He wondered how he had ended up in the hospital wing again, and then he turned back to Professor Snape. He'd never seen his professor asleep before, except that time he had fallen asleep on Professor Snape's bed. Professor Snape was one of the only people he'd ever seen who managed to look uptight even in sleep.
The professor's eyebrows were drawn, his forehead creased with unknown worries. One hand was lightly touching Harry's left hand, the other was acting as Professor Snape's pillow. His hair was spread across the sheet, laying in tangles around his head. Harry was amazed to find that Professor Snape's hair did not look greasy at all. Harry felt a sharp wave of guilt roll through him.
'What have I done?' he wondered. 'I said such horrible things to him and didn't even apologize! He's done so much for me, and now he's worried sick about me. I'm such a terrible and ungrateful person.'
"I'm sorry, sir," Harry whispered. " I didn't mean it." He closed his eyes and allowed himself to succumb to his body's fatigue.
Harry's mind slowly began to register people talking around him. He was entirely too exhausted to open his eyes.
"You were supposed to sleep, Severus," Madame Pomfrey scolded. "I know just what you did. You went down to your room and waited for me to go to bed before coming back up here."
"So what if I did?" Professor Snape asked sounding annoyed. "He shouldn't be left alone."
"You're going to worry yourself into an early grave."
"It's the bond," Professor Snape said softly. "I can feel his discomfort. Something like that makes it difficult to sleep."
"Then sever the bond," Madame Pomfrey said. There was a moment of tense silence.
"No," Professor Snape said at last.
"Why not?" Madame Pomfrey asked. "He's perfectly safe here with me. You don't need…"
"I am not severing the bond," Professor Snape said firmly.
Madame Pomfrey sighed heavily. "Have you thought about how this will effect him, Severus?"
"What are you rambling about?" Professor Snape asked irritably.
"He already blames himself for so many things," Madame Pomfrey explained. "Do you really want your declining health on his head as well?" Again, there was a long silence.
"I will take better care of myself," Professor Snape said at last. Harry heard him stand up. "But I am not severing the bond." Harry heard the receding footsteps as Professor Snape began walking away.
"Where are you going, Severus?" Madame Pomfrey asked wearily.
"I am going to retrieve his friends from breakfast," Professor Snape said. Harry heard the unmistakable sound of the door opening and closing.
Harry struggled with consciousness for the next several minutes, his mind vaguely registering the sounds of Madame Pomfrey moving around the hospital wing. At last, he opened his eyes, groaning at the bright light coming from outside.
"Harry?" Madame Pomfrey asked gently. Harry saw a white blur that was the medi-witch coming toward him.
"What happened?" Harry asked.
"You got sick last night," Madame Pomfrey replied. She propped Harry up on a large pile of pillows. She held a potion vial up to Harry's lips. "Drink this, dear."
Harry drank the potion, which had a fruity flavor, and felt some energy return to him. "A Restorative Draught," he muttered. "Thanks." He leaned back against his pillows and closed his eyes. He felt energy coming back to him slowly and his stomach grumbled angrily. "I'm hungry," he said.
"I'll order something from the kitchens for you," Madame Pomfrey said. As she walked away, the hospital wing doors opened and Ron and Hermione came in, closely followed by Professor Snape.
"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, looking both surprised and worried.
"Hi guys," Harry said weakly as Ron and Hermione ran to his side.
"Oh, Harry, what happened?" Hermione asked.
Harry shrugged noncommittally. "Madame Pomfrey says… that I got sick," he said. He felt so tired, but the potion was keeping him alert.
"Sick how?" Ron asked.
"She wouldn't say," Harry replied. "I can't… remember what… happened."
Ron and Hermione exchanged a look and then watched curiously as Professor Snape sat down on the other side of the bed.
Ron gave Harry a perplexed look while Hermione glanced at the dark professor from the corner of her eyes.
"We… er," Hermione said distractedly, glancing at Professor Snape again. She shook her head as though to clear it and looked back at Harry. "We have class soon. I…"
"You have my class first, if you've forgotten," Professor Snape said icily. "I will tell you when it is time."
"Yes, sir," Hermione replied, looking as though she would like nothing more than to give Professor Snape a piece of her mind. "We can bring your assignments for you, if you like."
"I hardly think-" Professor Snape started.
"That sounds great," Harry said over him, throwing Professor Snape a reproachful look. As Professor Snape opened his mouth to say something, Madame Pomfrey came in with porridge for Harry.
"That's enough," she said. "You three, go to your classes and let this boy rest! Go on! Out!"
SIX
Severus ushered the two Gryffindors out of the infirmary as Poppy began helping Harry with his breakfast. Granger was the first to stop walking.
"I want to know what is going on!" she snapped.
"Ten points from Gryffindor, Granger," Severus replied coldly.
"Take all the points you like," she spat back.
"Hermione," Weasley said in a warning tone.
"No!" Granger said. "I'm not moving from this spot until I know what is going on!"
Severus looked at her incredulously. "You will not-"
"Put me in detention then!" she cut him off. "I don't care! I want to know what's the matter with my friend!"
Severus considered putting the impertinent girl in detention for the rest of the year, but decided to answer her question instead. "He's dying."
A very unpleasant silence hung in the air following this statement, and silent tears began to fall from Granger's eyes.
"You wanted to know," Severus said coldly. "Now come along before you make me late." He walked away without looking back.
Severus was in his office that evening, grading papers, when Umbridge came in. He ignored her.
"Hem, hem," she said.
"May I help you?" Severus asked without looking up.
"Mr. Potter was not in class today," Umbridge said sweetly.
"No," Severus agreed. "He was not."
"Might I ask why?"
Severus bit back a sarcastic reply. "He is ill."
"I wish to see him."
"He is currently in the infirmary. I'm sure he'll be pleased to know that you care."
"I'm sure he will," Umbridge said with a smile, her horrible pointed teeth showing. Severus suppressed a shudder.
"If you'll excuse me, Delores, I have much work to do."
"Of course, Severus. Good evening."
"Good evening." Severus replied. Umbridge left without saying anything else. Severus put down his quill and rubbed his eyes. He simply couldn't concentrate. He decided to go to the infirmary before going to bed.
As he reached the top of the marble staircase, his legs went weak. Once he'd steadied himself, he quickened his pace toward the infirmary. As he reached the corridor, he heard yelling.
"Get out!" Poppy was yelling.
"I demand to know what is happening!" Umbridge yelled back, not a trace of her sickening girlish simper present.
"You don't have authority to demand anything from me!" Severus turned the corner in time to see Poppy physically pushing Umbridge into the hall. "Get out of my infirmary, you horrible woman!"
"I want to speak to Potter, now," Umbridge replied, attempting to regain her calm demeanor.
Poppy threw her hands up and then spotted Severus. "Oh, thank goodness!" she said. "Would you take care of this, Professor Snape? I have a patient who needs immediate care." With that, she vanished through the double doors.
"What is the meaning of this?" Severus asked sharply.
"I want to talk to the boy, and that nurse won't let me in," Umbridge replied, her false sweetness back to full force.
"She probably has good reason," Severus replied. "Potter's health is very unstable right now. Excuse me." He breezed passed her into the infirmary.
"I don't want that woman back in here," Poppy said without looking up. She was tucking Harry in and there was a potion vial on the table next to the bed.
"I will speak to Albus," Severus replied.
Poppy walked away without a reply.
"Sir?" Harry asked. His voice sounded strained and tired.
Severus moved to the bed. "What is it, Harry?" he asked.
"I… wanted you to know… that I… didn't mean… what I said."
Severus sighed. "I know that, Harry," he said.
"I just… don't want… to die… with you… thinking that… I hate you. I don't hate you."
"I know, Harry," Severus said gently. "Just get some sleep now."
"Yes, sir," Harry replied. "Good night."
"Good night, Harry."
Author's Note: Many thanks to Victoria Ennis for making this legible. Thanks also to…
Sliver of Melody: I hope Mike's punishment will hold you over for a bit.
LeeLeePotter: No, Mike learned his lesson the first time around as far as that goes. That was more a case of Severus being protective, though.
Shiemi Shimabukuro: Your story is very interesting. I like it. As for Umbridge, I can only assume that JKR needs her for something later on. We can still hope that she'll die.
CognitioneDignus: This one's not much better, but I assure you that Harry will live to see another day. Where would my story be without him?
Tamyka
Chibi-Kaisie: I started writing it before OotP came out, but when I read it, I decided 'What the hay? I can use this in my story.' And so ATTWH came into being.
SofiaDragon
Sh'arra Rie
Sword of Magic
Nicky 12330