Chapter Twenty
When a Kiss Is Not Just a Kiss
ONE
Two weeks after the start of the new term found Harry dutifully working on his homework in Professor Snape's study. It was just after dinner, and Harry didn't want to be alone in his common room after the stress of the day's classes. The work wasn't difficult for Harry, but the students kept giving him pitying looks, and his friends spent most of their time either defending him or Malfoy. Professor Snape was sitting at his writing desk, acting as if he was grading papers, though his emotions told Harry otherwise. He radiated feelings of discomfort and nervousness, as well as mixed feelings of guilt, worry, and sadness. Harry didn't understand what was causing his professor's distress, but he didn't think he'd get answers by simply asking.
Professor Snape kept shooting glances in Harry's direction, though he didn't know that Harry was watching out of the corners of his eyes. Harry didn't like the idea that he was the cause of Professor Snape's discomfort.
"I think I'll finish my homework in my common room," he said softly, his voice still getting used to making sound. A strong wave of disappointment and relief washed over Harry, making him glance at his professor.
"Very well," Professor Snape said, his quill very still in his hand. "I just need to finish on these essays, and then I shall retire. Have a good night, Harry."
"Thank you, sir. You too." Harry closed his books, gathered his things and moved into his common room feeling extremely confused by Professor Snape's reaction to his departure. Harry thought about the help Professor Snape had been offering him for the last month and a half, and decided that it might be better if he avoided the man for the time being. If he was the reason Professor Snape's emotions were so confused, then he'd make sure not to aggravate the problem. He owed the man so much, and he didn't think the best way to repay the Potions Master was by making him uncomfortable.
Harry sat at his table in front of the fire and opened his books. He'd been reading the same sentence over several times before he realized that he simply couldn't concentrate on his homework. He sighed in frustration, putting down his quill and standing up. As he paced around the room, he thought about Professor Snape's odd behavior, realizing for the first time that it had been going on for a while.
Harry was in his common room ignoring his work as he went through his photo album once again. Sirius' smiling face seemed to mock him from the pages, beckoning him to a life he would never know. He didn't realize he was crying until a tear splashed on the page in front of him.
"Why did you have to go, Sirius?" Harry said softly, touching the picture lovingly. "I miss you. I'm so sorry that I couldn't save you. I just wasn't strong enough. Please forgive me."
"Wallowing in self-pity again, Harry?" Professor Snape asked gently from the hallway.
"How would you act?" Harry responded angrily, lashing out in his grief.
"I was a Death Eater for many years, Harry," Professor Snape replied. "I was the direct cause of many deaths, and I can't say that I enjoyed it. This is war, Potter. People die in wars. You can't stop it no matter how hard you try, and acting the heartbroken martyr isn't going to save the people you love. You need to get yourself together."
"I'm trying!" Harry yelled. "It's not easy when I've been betrayed and pushed aside a thousand times until I don't know whether I'm coming or going! I'd like to see you try it! You don't know what it's like to have the fate of the whole world resting on your shoulders!"
"You are not the only person to have had to go through this!" Professor Snape snapped. His emotions were ragged with frustration and guilt, but there was not anger. Harry stared at him, thinking about what he'd said.
"Whom do you know who's gone through it?" he asked softly.
"Albus Dumbledore," Professor Snape replied shortly. "And as you can tell, he made it through to see another day. Or did you think that he just chose to go after Grindewald with no care for the people around him?"
Harry stared at the Potions Master, a picture of Dumbledore planted in his mind. The twinkling blue eyes showed wisdom above all other things, and Harry thought that such wisdom could only come from experience. He wondered why he'd never thought of it before.
"I'm sorry, Professor," he said, his anger spent. "I just feel so alone sometimes. It's hard to put things into perspective."
"You are not a stupid person," Professor Snape said tightly. "Use that thing between your ears that you call a brain and think of something constructive that could help you. Stop this self-loathing act and put your skills to good use."
Harry observed his teacher, wondering what the strong feelings of protectiveness meant. Professor Snape was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. His legs were crossed at the ankles as he stared at Harry with his piercing obsidian eyes.
"You are not alone, Harry," Professor Snape said, his voice significantly softer than it was. "But the people around you cannot help if you won't let them. You must realize that you are not the only person affected by this war. Your friends have been suffering for you; unable to pull you from this depression you seem so determined to wallow in. We are all here for you, if only you'd let us in." He seemed suddenly deflated, his emotions telling Harry that he was exhausted.
"I'm going to try to finish this homework," Harry said, turning to the books in front of him. Professor Snape nodded and turned to leave.
"Thank you, sir," Harry told him.
Professor Snape paused in his retreat. "You're welcome," he said before hastily departing.
The first thought to come to Harry's mind was that Professor Snape cared for him. In fact, the professor seemed to care more than he let on. This thought intrigued Harry, though he was certain that Professor Snape thought of him as something of a favorite nephew. The problem with Harry's discovery was that it still didn't explain the professor's discomfort in Harry's presence.
He began drumming his fingers on his book, trying to figure out why Professor Snape should be so nervous around him. 'All I ever do is try to get along with him,' Harry thought. 'We've had pleasant conversations, and I've even helped him with a lot of potions. I thought we'd found common ground. I thought I'd left the horrible Potions Master behind me forever.' As he thought, the reason for Professor Snape's discomfort clicked in Harry's mind. Harry decided he'd been trying too hard to make Professor Snape like him. He'd made every effort not to get on the man's nerves, and now Professor Snape was uncomfortable because he wondered about Harry's change in attitude. That had to be it. Having discovered the problem, Harry found it much easier to concentrate on his homework.
TWO
Severus sighed deeply when Harry's door closed. He knew he must be broadcasting his emotions plainly, but he couldn't make the nervousness go away no matter how hard he tried. His feelings for the boy had been growing steadily stronger for some time, and he couldn't make it stop. He felt like nothing more than a dirty old man having such thoughts about a student, but he couldn't help but smile when Harry chewed his bottom lip in concentration. He was hopelessly, desperately in love with Harry Potter and it was eating him up inside.
"How do I manage to do these things to myself?" he wondered aloud, and then cringed as someone spoke.
"What things?" Draco asked as he sat right where Harry had been sitting before.
"Nothing that concerns you, Draco," Severus sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I am simply wallowing in self-pity. Pay no attention."
Draco raised an eyebrow, looking remarkably like his father, and proceeded to stare at Severus. "You don't expect me to just drop it, do you?" he asked.
"I should only be so lucky," Severus replied.
"What do you have to feel sorry about?" Draco asked. "You've saved Potter's life more times than I care to count, and now you're helping me for no particular reason. You spied against the Dark Lord at the risk of your own life and you asked for nothing in return. Tell me what's bothering you to make you talk to yourself when you should be grading those papers on your desk." As he finished his speech, Draco began pulling books out of his bag and placing them on the table in front of him.
"Your are insufferable," Severus remarked. "I cannot and should not discuss these things with you, so you may as well give up now. I'm retiring for the evening. Good night."
"Good night, sir," Draco said indifferently, not bothering to look up from his homework.
Severus rose slowly and proceeded into his bedroom where he fell onto his bed fully dressed. "I am going straight to Hell when I die," he muttered before changing into his nightclothes. His dreams were riddled with nightmares, waking him in the middle of the night covered in sweat, screaming.
"What have you done to me, Harry?" he whispered, falling back onto the sheets to succumb once again to restless sleep.
THREE
'Three weeks,' Harry thought. 'That's how long it's been since I figured out the problem. Three weeks since I realized that Professor Snape doesn't feel comfortable with me around. Three weeks since I discovered that I've been trying too hard to be his friend. I thought I'd changed my attitude enough that he would be comfortable around me again, but he only gets worse as time goes on. He can't even look into my eyes anymore.' Harry sighed tiredly, rubbing his eyes vigorously. He'd tried his hardest to not be coddling about his friendship with the sour professor, but the more he tried, the closer he wanted to get. He came to the tentative, and slightly disturbing conclusion that he was attracted to Severus Snape. He wasn't bothered with the fact that Professor Snape was male, no what bothered him was that he was Professor Snape.
'How do I get myself into these things?' he wondered. 'Why do I always pick people who will be bad for my health?'
"Harry?" Professor Snape called from his sitting room.
"I'm coming," Harry called back, rising from the couch hesitantly. He didn't know how to act around Professor Snape anymore, and he fervently wished that things could go back to the way they were. "You needed to see me, sir?" he asked as he entered the sitting room.
"I thought you might like to help me with a potion," Professor Snape said, not looking up from his potions journal, which was in his lap. "You've seemed rather tense for a while, and I thought this might help you to relax."
"Erm, sure," Harry replied. He followed Professor Snape through the kitchen and into his private potions lab. The professor moved to the workbench, where a large cauldron was already set up, and placed his journal on the table.
"I am attempting to improve the Wolfsbane Potion as a step to finding a cure for lycanthrope," Professor Snape explained, moving to the cabinets and removing several ingredients as he spoke.
"Why do you care so much about what happens to the werewolves?" Harry asked carefully.
Professor Snape removed a jar from his cabinet and examined the label before replacing it. "The problem is that society views werewolves as a species separate from humans. It is my opinion that lycanthrope is a disease and should be dealt with as such. Those afflicted with it are human most of the time, the only exception being during the full moon days." He moved back to the workbench, laying all of his ingredients down, turned to Harry and leaned one hand on the table as he continued. "Diseases all have a basis in the blood, so that is where the answer to the problem lays. The problem is that no one has ever bothered to examine werewolf blood to find out where the disease is."
"So how do you plan to make the Wolfsbane better?" Harry asked. "How can you if you don't know anything about the disease?"
"I know that Wolfsbane is called such because werewolves are extremely allergic to it, but only in the wolf form. My thought is that if you add more wolfsbane to the potion, it will dull the tendencies of the wolf better. The problem is that wolfsbane is poisonous if taken in large quantities, so I have to find another ingredient to counteract the poison."
"What about dragon's blood?"
Professor Snape shook his head. "Dragon's blood nullifies the wolfsbane, making it useless. I've tried it."
"May I look at your journal?"
Professor Snape pushed the journal toward Harry, and stood quietly, waiting to see what Harry would come up with.
FOUR
Severus watched in fascination as Harry chewed the end of a quill, reading over the modified but incomplete Wolfsbane potion in the journal. He decided that Harry simply didn't realize how sexy he was. Severus had finally managed to keep himself calm in Harry's presence, only to realize that this made him more aware of the attraction.
"Have you ever tried astragalus?" Harry asked after several moments.
"I have not," Professor Snape replied.
"Maybe you should."
"Why?"
"Well, it's important to maintaining the immune system. If what you say is true, the first step to getting rid of lycanthrope would be to strengthen the immune system."
"Your theory is sound, but we still have the problem of the toxicity of the potion. Increased wolfsbane combined with belladonna would make any normal person drop dead on the spot. I am afraid that I can't find any counter for that."
"What about Echinacea?"
"The Muggle drug? Why would I use that in a potion?"
Harry rolled his eyes irritably before turning to look at the Potions Master. "Just because Muggles found it first doesn't mean that it's not useful. It helps with swelling, infection and inflammation. It might help to counteract the toxicity of the wolfsbane and belladonna. The least it could do would be to lighten the blow, making the werewolf sick instead of dead."
"No one will want to drink it if it makes them sick for days on end. Perhaps we could use something like Anise seeds to help that. The increased wolfsbane will mean that the victim won't have to take as many dosages before the change."
"Will it make the change easier?"
"That is my hope, yes. We won't know until we find a willing test subject."
"Should we try to make it now, sir?" Harry asked, setting the quill gently on top of the journal. "You know if you take out half the water and replace it with essence of murtlap tentacles, it will make the potion more soothing and less diluted."
"If we were to use strained murtlap tentacles without a solution, that might work. I'll set up the cauldron now, and you can strain the tentacles. They're in the far left cabinet by the wall. The jar is labeled."
"Yes, sir," Harry replied, moving to the indicated cabinet. Severus surreptitiously watched Harry as he added water to the cauldron and lit a flame underneath. Harry brought the jar of murtlap tentacles to the counter and wrinkled his nose when he removed the lid. He brought out three tentacles and carefully strained the thick yellow juice from them. When he'd finished, he carefully added the contents to the cauldron.
"We must bring it to a simmer before adding anything else," Severus said softly, studiously keeping his eyes off of the young Gryffindor. He could feel Harry watching him, but he didn't want to appear interested in that fact.
"Why did you ask me to help you with this?" Harry asked suddenly. "You would have figured it out."
"It was faster this way," Severus replied, watching the cauldron intently. "I've been working on it for weeks. Sometimes another person's input helps to speed along the process."
"A watched pot never boils you know," Harry said.
"What?" Severus asked, turning to look at Harry at last. Harry smiled at him.
"It's a Muggle thing. Why don't we have some tea while we wait?"
"Tea is distracting. If it becomes too thick we'll have to start over."
"Set a timer then," Harry said, and proceeded to do so. He conjured a table and chairs along with a tea service. "Black, right?"
Severus nodded reluctantly, sitting across from Harry. "Who can we get as a test subject?"
"I'm sure there are several werewolves that would love to help. You could ask Lupin."
"It could be dangerous for him to take it."
Harry shrugged, taking a sip from his tea. "He probably wouldn't do it anyway if it involves coming here."
"What are you talking about?"
"He's been avoiding me. He won't answer my letters." Harry seemed sad about the fact, rather than angry. "I can't blame him though. I did kill Sirius."
"You did not kill your godfather, Harry. How many times must I tell you?"
Harry shrugged but did not reply. "It makes no difference now."
As Severus opened his mouth to say something, the alarm on the cauldron went off. He rose from his seat, moving swiftly to stand in front of the cauldron again. "We should add the belladonna now," he said.
Harry passed the powdered ingredient silently, and they paused for a moment as their hands brushed, sending a shock up Severus' arm and spine.
"Do you have homework?" Severus asked, pulling his hand back abruptly.
Harry swallowed hard, nodding his head slowly.
"Go do it then," Severus told him. "I've kept you from it for long enough."
"Yes, sir," Harry whispered before leaving in a rush.
'Brilliant, Severus,' Severus thought irritably. 'Now you've frightened him away.'
FIVE
Harry collapsed on his couch unable to get over the shock of power he'd felt when he's touched Professor Snape's skin. He also couldn't stop thinking about how Professor Snape had kicked him out of the lab after they'd touched.
'Stupid, stupid!' Harry admonished himself. 'Yeah, lets have some tea and a little chat so I can feel you up. Idiot! Just push him away with a ten meter pole, why don't you! Stupid, stupid Gryffindor!'
SIX
Potions class the next day was an exercise in slow torture. Try as he might, Harry simply couldn't concentrate on the potion he was supposed to be making. He kept noticing the way Professor Snape was avoiding his general area of the classroom, even though there were no more than a dozen students in the N.E.W.T level Gryffindor/Slytherin class.
"Harry, you're not paying attention!" Hermione whispered furiously in front of him. "It's going to boil over!"
"Thanks," Harry muttered, dousing the flame quickly with his wand. Hermione and Malfoy shared a concerned look over their cauldron.
"Harry, I know you're still upset, but I don't want to fail this class," Ron said softly at Harry's side.
"I'm sorry, okay?" Harry snapped. Apparently, he said it louder than he'd thought because Professor Snape finally turned his attention to Harry's little corner.
"Is something wrong, Mr. Potter?" he asked acerbically. "Or is the potion not enough to hold your interest?"
"It's fine, Professor Snape, I was just asking Ron a question."
"I am not your professor for nothing, Mr. Potter. If you have a pertinent question, ask me, not your friend. Otherwise, you know the rules."
"Yes, sir."
"Five points from Gryffindor." Professor Snape swept back to his desk in a whirl of billowing black robes, sitting behind it and passing his eyes over the assembled students.
Harry swallowed audibly before turning his attention back to the potion. "Right, what's next?"
"Venomous Tentacula sap," Ron replied quietly, passing the ingredient over. Harry measured the proper amount, pouring it into the cauldron as Ron stirred anticlockwise. Ron and Harry finished just as the bell rang.
"Stay behind, Mr. Potter," Professor Snape said from his desk.
Harry sighed, sitting back down as his friends threw him sympathetic looks. "Yes, sir," he muttered. After all the other students had gone, Professor Snape stood up and moved to Harry's desk.
"What was going on today, Harry? I haven't seen you that distracted for some time."
"I'm sorry, sir," Harry said dejectedly. "I have a lot on my mind."
"Is this about Lupin?"
Harry was rather startled by the question, but took advantage of the opportunity it presented. "Yes," he said softly, trying to sound miserable, which wasn't difficult. "I just don't understand why he's cutting me out of his life."
"He's a fool, Harry. You shouldn't let him get to you this way. If I'd known that working on the wolfsbane would have affected you this way, I never would have suggested it."
"It's not your fault, sir," Harry muttered, standing up slowly. "May I go?"
"You may, but please try to focus better in the rest of your classes. You shouldn't let Lupin's stupidity affect your grades."
"I will, sir." With that, Harry left the potions lab, wishing that he could tell the professor the real reason that he couldn't concentrate on that potion. Having Professor Snape in the same room with him just wasn't conductive to his education.
SEVEN
Dear Harry,
Thank you for your offer, but I will have to regrettably decline. I am very busy at the moment, and I haven't the time to make a pit stop at Hogwarts to test a potion that may or may not work. Have a good day, Harry, and I'll write again later.
Yours,
Remus Lupin
Harry sighed at the very lukewarm reply he'd gotten from Lupin. The werewolf had made it sound like Harry was only using the potion as an excuse to see him, which wasn't all together untrue. He put the letter away and proceeded to work on a lengthy Transfiguration essay that was due the next day. He finished late that evening, missing dinner and part of the free time before curfew. He stood up, stretching his arms over his head, bending his spine, and rotating his head, eliciting loud popping noises from his neck.
"You should use the desk," Professor Snape said from the hall. "It would be more comfortable."
Harry turned to look at the man, and saw that he was once again leaning casually against the wall. "I like to work by the fire," he said. "Left over habit from Gryffindor Tower, I suppose."
"Have you had any visions recently?"
Harry stared for a moment before answering. "No."
"You haven't had the potion again, so I assume that your Occlumency is working well."
"Yes, sir."
"Then might I suggest that you would be more comfortable in your dormitory with your friends. You must get lonely down here with no one your own age."
"Malfoy is down here too."
"You two don't talk much."
"Sure we do, and we help each other with homework."
"Nonetheless, I believe that your isolation from the rest of the school is no longer necessary."
Harry sighed, sitting on the sofa heavily. "Yes, sir."
"I will inform the headmaster so that you may return to Gryffindor tomorrow."
"Yes, sir."
"Good night, Harry."
"Good night, Professor Snape." Harry put his face in his hands when he heard the door close. 'I've really screwed up this time. Now he's kicking me out. I wish I was as in control as he is.'
EIGHT
Severus had hoped that sending Harry back to Gryffindor Tower would have been enough to forget his attraction to the teen. Unfortunately, the distance only made him watch the boy more closely during class and meal times. Damn it all! All he wanted was to maintain his integrity.
He noticed how dejected Harry looked during the day, and couldn't help but wonder if perhaps it was because of sending him away. He didn't like to think about it, but he thought that perhaps Harry needed the seclusion in order to feel normal. He doubted whether the other students treated him as a normal teen after all that had happened during the last year and half. He sighed heavily, wondering again if he'd made the right decision by pushing the boy away so suddenly.
NINE
Severus was in his rooms grading papers when there was a tentative knock at his door. He looked at the clock and saw that it was well after curfew, causing him to wonder who could possibly be calling. "Enter," he called, causing the wards to drop, allowing his visitor entrance.
The door opened slowly, revealing the tousled head of Harry Potter. Harry came in slowly, closing the door behind him and proceeded to fidget nervously.
"Is something wrong, Harry?" Severus asked with concern.
"I, erm, I had a nightmare," Harry said softly, seemingly embarrassed about the fact.
"Come in," Severus said, rising from his desk. He moved to the couch and sat, indicating that Harry should do so as well. "Tell me about your dream."
Harry sat down, folding his hands in his lap. "It was about Sirius," he said softly. "He was asking why I didn't save him, and then Remus came and told me that it was my fault, and that's why he won't speak to me."
Severus sighed. "You realize that this dream is only your guilty conscious manifesting itself. Black would have never blamed you for what happened to him. It was his choice to come to the school that night, and it was Bellatrix's choice to send him down those stairs. With or without you there, it would not have played out any differently. Until you realize that, these dreams will continue to plague you."
"I know all that, but it still feels like my fault," Harry muttered, his voice strained with emotion. "I just keep seeing him falling down those stairs and thinking 'if only my aim had been true, he'd still be alive'. I don't know how to cope with this."
"Have you spoken to anyone about this?"
"I'm speaking to you."
"Besides me."
"I've tried to talk to Remus, but he's still avoiding me. I just wish that I could make him understand that I miss Sirius as much as he does."
'Foolish, idiotic werewolf! How dare he do this to Harry!' Severus placed his hand on Harry's arm. "I'm sure he'll come around," he said.
"May I stay here tonight, sir?"
"Are you in pain?" Severus was concerned that there was more that Harry wasn't telling him.
"Not physical pain, no."
"You know you can't stay, Harry," Severus said gently. "It is better for you to be around your peers."
Harry sighed, standing from his seat. "Thank you for your time, sir," he said sadly. Severus walked Harry to the door, and just as Harry was reaching to open it, Severus reached out to touch the young man's arm. Harry turned, his beautiful green eyes full of pain, sadness, and something Severus couldn't decipher. Severus acted before he thought of the ramifications of his actions; he pulled Harry close to him, and kissed the young Gryffindor full on the lips. The same shock of magic rolled through Severus' body, multiplied tenfold when Harry licked his bottom lip.
Severus opened his mouth slightly, only to feel Harry's tongue invade his mouth. The feel of the magic was almost overwhelming, and Severus could feel his body reacting to it. His breathing and heart rate increased, causing him to pull Harry closer, exploring the Gryffindor's mouth languidly. The magic wiped all other thoughts from his mind. All he knew was that he needed this man in his arms more than he needed food, water or air. He would die without Harry.
Author's Note: And finally, the long awaited SLASH! Don't worry, this scene continues in the next chapter. Many thanks to Victoria Ennis for her hard work on this fic. Thanks also to…
Jujube 15
Sh'arra Rie
Theshygirl: Thank you
Sliver of Melody: Thanks for that. I'm seeing the doc in a few days, so hopefully he'll be able to shed some light for me.
Shadow Eclipse
Kears: It's my poor little tummy, but I'm hopeful that the doc will be able to fix me soon. He's tried a few things, but so far nothing's helped. We'll see… Have fun with your studies!
Ktoddhim
Hikari-Aoi: That's a very good question. This was my first ever HP/SS fic. I decided to try me hand at one after reading a few other good one with that pairing. I almost gave up after the first couple of chapters when OotP came out, because I couldn't figure where I could take it. After that, I said, 'You know what? That Umbridge hag needs to die!' From there, I just kind of got my muse back on this, and wala! Hehehehehe.
LeeLeePotter
Shiemi Shimabukuro: Snape does have his charms, doesn't he? Hehehehe
Chibi-Kaisie: Answers are coming, not to worry, m'dear.
Tamyka: Yes, the Dursleys were told. It's Dumbledore's responsibility as Headmaster to make sure they're aware of what went on at school. As for the slash… let's just say I hope the next chapter makes up for the long wait.
DestinyEntwinements: It starts now…
Sword and Magic
Gothic-hands
Jeni: Don't worry, I will… hehehehe
Mariana
Medicated Drama Queen: Thanks for the good vibes. I sure could use them about now.
EmeraldEyed
Esme' Sedai
The Greymalkin: Well, since I have never been to Britain, I can't know just what they would say. If you wish to give me some tips on that, that's fine, but otherwise it will remain the way it is. You are the only person who has complained about the American-ness of this fic, but I'm willing to make some changes if you're willing to point out the 'americanisms' you don't like. As for me, I don't notice the 'americanisms' because it's just natural to me.
CogniDi: I'm glad you had fun on your holiday. I could have made the het scenes more… detailed, but I decided that I didn't want to squick my dear slashy fans, so I refrained. Hehehe.