Chapter Four Emotions

Four months later and there she was lying on his bed, still there,
just like she had always said she would be. He gazed at her radiating
skin. He continued to stare, his eye sight went down to her bosom and
he blushed. They were still just friends, even though he knew she
wanted more but of course he wouldn't have it. It was bad enough that
they were friends but what would everyone think if they were together?
Even if she was different then everyone else, her laughter was the
only laughter he could tolerate.
He admitted to no one how much he really felt for her, it was
definitely stronger then tolerance.

He watched as she ran passed him to be the first in line at the
library to check out some book, she had dragged him out of his bed
early in the morning. She sent her owl to go peck him to death and
dropped a note that briefly explained how he was not missing out on
this Hogsmeade weekend.
Three months had passed since his experience with James and the rest
of his pathetic pack of cronies. It wasn't the same afterwards, he
didn't tell anyone of what he saw because he was a man of his word and
spreading rumors was just as immature as name calling, and Severus
thought himself above that.
James rarely ever came in contact with him anymore and when he did,
the air around the two of them stiffened and James went all limp and
awkward leaving Severus with a sense of power and control and he would
often take the opportunity to do or say something that would have
usually triggered James to his defensive mode, but he stayed quiet and
hesitant. Severus would sometimes catch him grinding his teeth. Severus
would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy it. He savored the thought of
James changing his routes so he wouldn't bump into him, he almost lust
it even.
Sirius on the other hand, he was stubborn and hard headed and would
never lower his head around him. But, he would also never say anything
to him first; he always waited for Severus to say one slimy thing then
he'd counter it and snap at him dangerously.
"Severus! Hurry," Lily's voice cut through his thoughts, she reached
for his hand a pulled it forward.
"Coming," Severus reluctantly walked towards her and stood behind her
in line.
He did admit, he let their relationship farther then he would have
liked. He always tried to build boundaries but he constantly pushed
them down. He grew rather fond of having her around; he almost dared to
say-needed her around. She would spill her heart out to him and he
would take what she would give and give nothing back.
"This is the book you wanted," He smirked as he snatched her book
away. "'Recovering Inner Magic' what is that suppose to be?"
"Don't be so judgmental." She snapped and tried taking it away but he
was too quick. She whipped her hair back and put her hands on her
waist, "Please."
That's when he saw it, the twinkle in her eyes as he walked past.
James shot her a small smile and she gave him one back, but the moment
was gone as fast as it happened.
Severus cleared his throat and handed the book back to her.

"Don't you love mother?" The small boy asked his father with innocent
prying.
The man looked at the boy like he had just said the most humorous joke
in the world, "Love? Oh you foolish boy, one day you'll learn the real
meaning of love."
The boy continued to stare, "Meaning? Isn't it supposed to be a
feeling, an emotion-not a thing you can define, sir?"
The man arched his eyebrow at the boy, "Where you coming with all of
this rubbish? Love is a fancy concurred by the naïve and the fools. It
is merely an idea to keep them going when the going gets tough. There
is no such thing as love, just fleeting."
"So what you and mother have?"
"Is just convenient for us."

He brushed past her to look at a book; he couldn't look into her eyes
and call her 'convenient', he'd be lying to himself. Wouldn't he? That
was what she was, wasn't it? Or was she more? No, she wasn't.
"Are you okay? You seem distant today." Lily gave him a funny look and
tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "If you want, we can just go
back-foolish idea of mine to come here."
He placed his hand over her briefly, in a teasing way, "No, it's cool.
We'll stay. Let's take a walk though, up by where the Shrieking Shack
is."
"Let me pay and we'll go," She replied brightly.

"You spend too much time with her," barked Lucius, his eyes were two
spiteful slits of venom. "How do you think that makes you look? I
continuously defend you with Him and with the mates. They think you're
going soft."
He ran a hand past his hair and growled, "Tell them to say that to my
face and they'll see if I've gone soft. I dare them."
"That's the bloody Severus I know." Lucius demanded brightly. "But out
of interest mate, what is your craze with this mud blood? Hmm?"
Severus stared into Lucius gray eyes; they looked like they were
trying to dig into his soul. He knew better then to tell Lucius
anything considered a tad bit personal. He was no one you could trust.
He had the manipulative voice of a God; he could talk a snake into
doing something without having to be parceltongue. One more thing,
nothing ever stayed secret with him, not to mention he was a twofaced
snake.
"Does she strike your fancy?" He asked, in a mock stunned voice.
Severus shoved him, "Of course not. I would never feel that way for
that."
"Well then, what's the deal?"
"Don't you think Potter notices how much time I spend with her?"
Severus asked with a nasty little voice. It killed him inside to say
something like that.
He felt like he was growing into two separate people, the person he
was with others and the person he was with Lily; two very idiosyncratic
people, battling inside him.
Lucius' wicked smirk peaked out, "Brilliant, bloody brilliant."
"I have class right now; I'll talk to you late." Severus winked at him
and stormed out of the room. He felt like he needed to hold Lily so he
could prove to himself that he wasn't a bad person and that he did care
about her, deep inside.
He felt like-and there he was again, he thought. James Potter was by
her side as she laughed, probably at one of his nonsensically consumed
jokes. He felt pounds of jealousy devour him.
"Ittle wittle Snapey, brain is like a grapey," boomed Peeves brushing
past his ear. "If you look real close, he looks just like an aaaapey."
He cackled with laughter.
"Stuff it," he snarled through gritted teeth.
"Tut tut, Peeves, you wouldn't want the Bloody Baron to hear of this
now would you, hmm?" Came a voice from a near corner. Severus turned
his head and met his gaze with no other then Sabina Clare accompanied
with her friend Draya Sleet, he continued to meet Draya's gaze.
This vain lady had hooded brown eyes that were like two splotches of
sparkling mud. Her luxurious, straight, chocolate-colored hair was worn
in a style that reminds you of a holy halo and was sometimes, he
noticed, worn in a fine, curly utilitarian style. She wasn't very tall
but had a graceful build. Her skin was a light olive. She had thin
eyebrows. Her wardrobe was unconventional and tight, with a lot of
black and violet.
It was very hard not to stare at her for a while.
Sabina on the other hand, reminded you of a cobra waiting to strike.
She small green eyes that didn't sparkle as much as Lily's but had a
spark to them. Her dark hair was parted to the side.
Peeves stared at her with disgust, let out a huge raspberry and left.
Severus looked down at the strange woman he knew and said, "Are you
waiting for me to praise you?"
She scoffed, "I know better." She shifted her weight and caught eyes
with Lily, she didn't move her gaze until a while passed, "Who does she
think she is?"
"Who?" Severus asked distracted with all the books Sabina had in her
bag.
"No one," She moved her head and gave him a gracious smile. "I haven't
had time to visit with you lately. Are you planning to come to my home
for the holidays? I hear your mum is going to be there." Her eyes
looked wide and hopeful. At least she had some emotion, Severus
thought, eyeing Draya's blank expressions.
Severus shrugged, "I haven't really thought about it."
"Well you should," Sabina gave him a seductive wink and walked away
flipping her hair. Draya strutted away with her as they walked by his
classroom.
He had known her since they were just kids, her family was of a pure
descent and his mother's mum would badger his mother to make dinner
arrangement to get the name 'Prince' back on the charts.
He knew very little about Draya, she was very low key and no one
really knew anything about her either. Although, they did know about
how her parents died in a freak accident and she lived with a man off
in South England somewhere. Severus wasn't much to gossip but he did
hear this nasty rumor that she and her foster parent were having a love
affair. Although he reckoned that he was just her parent's friend.
He walked past Lily and sat in a chair farthest away from her, he
could feel her eyes penetrating into his skin. He swore under his
breath, he was fighting to keep his eyes concentrated on his paper.
Why should I care who she talks to? She isn't my property, she
shouldn't feel guilty about socializing.
Then again, if she wants to be my friend she has to obi by my rules
and she perfectly damn well knows that I can't stand him. Sure she
doesn't know the whole story, but she should make the big gesture of
separating herself from him if she even wants to be my friend.
"Mr. Snape, can you explain to be how daydreaming is going to help
protect yourself from the Dark Arts?" barked Professer Liglby.
Severus stared at all the amused faces waiting for an answer, "Well
maybe if you actually knew what you were talking about, I'd listen."
"Well then," Professer Liglby, outraged, chirped, "maybe some
detention will open your ears a bit more."
"I doubt that." He muttered under his breath, he felt dissatisfied as
Professor Liglby turned away, unscathed.
He hated how his mind always seemed to jump one step ahead of everyone
elses, he was like on another thinking level, he seemed to always jump
on nasty conclusions.
He felt torn between the thought of Sabina and Lily. Sabina was a much
more sensible catch, more things in common, better name--but something
still tug at him. If he wanted to go down the easy road, Sabina would
be the number one choice but nothing in his life was ever easy so
picking the easy road would just get his hopes up.
He hated everything in his life so far, not one thing happened to make
sense, not one thing. Lily, was ranking number one in that list.

"I saw you staring at me earlier," Lily said to him bravely, after
class she sped up to talk to him. He stared her dead in the eyes and
waited for her to continue. "What was that about?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." He replied casually. He
stared at her fiery locks of hair, it was in loose curls and down to
her shoulders. She reminded him of a lost gypsie, with hypnotizing eyes
to get them to leave her money. She was a gypsy and he was a noble,
mesmerized. In moments, he could picture her in rags and then quickly
in jewels.
She continued to stare at him, she reached for his hand, "Let's go
outside, skip the rest of your day, the sun is shining and the day is
nice."
He felt the sides of his mouth twitch; was that, dare he say it, a
smile creeping on? He didn't pull his hand away, "Sure."

They laid under the tree and stared out at the clouds. She was right,
it was a nice day. He could feel his heart pound harder as she breathed
in and out, lying next to him.
"What's your most missed memory?" She asked him, her voice as soft as
a whisper. He hesitated to answer because he had never been asked such
a random question in such a random moment.
"Excuse me?" He couldn't hide how his voice sounded incredibly snobby,
like that question was beneath him.
She didn't seem to catch it and repeated it.
He thought about it and without much of a care in the world replied,
"I miss how my mum was before she remarried."
She stayed quiet and continued breathing, "How was she like?"
He didn't even need to think hard for the answer, "Wonderful, she had
time for me. She wasn't so filled with pride and lust for things in the
world that don't even matter. My mum was always so strong and so
independant and so much more then she is with this bloke. This bloke
thinks my mum is a joke, that she is so dependant on him--she doesn't
need him, she has me."
Lily didn't say anything for a while, he became very aware of how close
their hands were, "Women are much more complex then meets the eye, Sev,
when a woman feels the need to act so strong, its because they are at
their weakest. Some women act like they don't need a man when they
really do."
"Stop, she doesn't need him. You don't understand." He shook his
head, not wanting to hear anything else she had to say.
"Okay," was her only response.
"What's your favorite excuse in the whole wide world for being late?"
He laughed as he asked her this, feeling sort of foolish for playing
along to her game.
She smiled, "Are you being sarcastic?"
He shook his head, "C'mon answer."
"'I was tired', I mean who cares if you were tired--if you're supposed
to meet someone at a certain time, then you should be there." Lily said
almost in speed voice.
Severus couldn't help but laughing out loud, without thinking, he
reached for her hand.
He saw her a reddish blanket covered her cheeks but her hand remained.
He turned on his arm and he stared at her, she saw this and turned too.
The grass was long and it tickled his nose.
His heart beated faster. He braced himself. He could feel himself
regretting it.

He pretended to stare at the scene from afar. Two teenagers under a
tree. Kissing. Touching. The boy continues to stare. His hearts
breaking as the girl with the reddish locks escaped into a world where
he knew her heart would end up broken.

A/N: Hope you liked it. I had a little help from my friend Ash, so I must give her credit. CONSTUCTIVE CRITICISM, no flaming--seriously. Thank you for all the feedback I got on FL.