Thanks so much for the kind reviews Everyone! And yes, I have personal knowledge of abortion issues and have tried my best to make it realistic and yet fictional at the same time, trying to keep in mind the nuances of the characters. I thought it would be interesting to see how they would react to the roller coaster of emotions that would follow the position they were put in due to Hermione's issue. I have sent thank you emails to those who had accessible accounts but here are a few thank yous for those that don't.
Lou – Thank you. Glad you're enjoying this.
Varcolaci – Yes Hermione's reactions are quite realistic and I've tried to maintain their characters but throwing a twist in as well.
Queenanneus – Definitely unusual. I'm always trying to think of a new angle instead of the same old type stories, trying to expand these characters as far as I can.
Wiccan-witch88 – Thanks…I've been slightly stuck with this chapter but I think we're rolling now.
Elektrikstorm – I certainly try not to write crapfics. LOL Thanks for your kind comments. I know I chose a touchy subject but I really tried to keep it realistic while keeping in mind they are in a 'wizarding world'.
Kissmesweetly – It's different I know. Just glad you like.
Insariosyiel – I'm happy you think it's well written. Sometimes I struggle, bouncing back and forth in my own head between 'this sucks' and 'this is not bad'. LOL
Hprules8888 – Glad you love it. )
Anya – Here ya go. I've been hung up on where I wanted this to go but I think I've got it set now.
Bambi-Is-No-More – Thanks Sweetie…writing as we speak!
Severus stared up at the ceiling as he lay in bed, fingers entwined atop his chest, legs straight out. What had he done? He'd shoved Hermione against the wall, something he'd never done to a student. Guilt washed over him as he realized he shouldn't have done it, realized he'd been out of line and, should she choose to say anything, could find himself in serious trouble. She just drove him mad and wished like hell he hadn't been there to help her that night, but then felt even guiltier for allowing such a thought, knowing she could have suffered an ill fate.
He'd never allowed himself to think of a student in any way other than as a student but thoughts of her in compromised positions consumed his mind. That night changed something in him and he despised the change. He'd found her extremely attractive but tried to convince himself otherwise, failing miserably. More often than not, visions of her filled his mind as he fell asleep, visions of her naked, on top of him, kissing him, underneath him, taking all he was giving her, over and over. No woman ever had this affect on him and didn't know how to handle himself.
What woman, she's a child, his brain told him. No, she's a young woman, he argued back. She's almost eighteen. She is no child. Remembering her body, her creamy skin, her breasts, he smirked and thought, No she is definitely not a child.
Well, whatever she is, it continued. She is still a student and you are a teacher and that's all the reason you need to put aside these foolish thoughts. Even taking that fact out of the equation, why would you think she'd ever be attracted to you? Draco is younger and virile and has all the girls after him. What are you? You're dark and evil and mean to everyone and you certainly do not have the looks.
But then what was it I saw in her eyes when I put her in my bed? From the bathroom to the bedroom, her eyes never left mine. She never pulled away from my embrace and remained close to me, wanting to stay longer the next morning. I was the one who pushed her away and made her leave with barely a kind word. Why should I be mad at her when I'm the one who caused this? Why should I be punishing her for something that is my fault?
But you are angry with her. How do you know she hasn't told someone about what happened? - Why should she tell? the voice countered. She has more to be embarrassed about than you do. – And she taunts me in class constantly, daring me to take points away or assign her detention. – So do it, what's she going to do except embarrass herself in front of the class? How will she embarrass you? If she wants to make a fool of herself, let her. – I don't want her to. I want things to be like that night, close and intimate. – She was vulnerable and so were you. Not one of your best qualities. – Oh shut up.
Rubbing his face, wishing the mental quarreling would stop, he got up and walked over to the huge window overlooking the grounds. Sighing heavily, he remembered this was her last year, understanding the fact he might never see her again. Certainly with her intellect, she would be able to do anything she wanted, anywhere she wanted. With her beauty, she would certainly meet the man of her dreams along the way; someone her age, attractive, with a brilliant mind and charming personality to compliment hers.
But there's so much I could show her, his mind thought desperately. So much about the world I could teach her that she'll never learn anywhere else. Not only about potions and spells and how to properly apply them through life, but I could teach her things about herself that she never thought possible. She places limits on herself that are ridiculous. I could get her past that. I could reveal the endless depths of the mind, the immaculate strength of the soul, even the primal hunger of the flesh.
He stopped for a moment to recall a feeling of hers he'd discovered from that night when he'd probed her mind. He'd always assumed that one's first sexual experience provided excitement and happiness and a freedom never felt before. But as she'd remained in bed after being with Draco, he'd learned of her indifference. It was as if it was almost more an assignment than an action, something she was simply crossing off her list to get on with the next. It seemed to awaken nothing within her, and that confused him. As she'd stared up at the ceiling, she'd thought of her inadequacy, that she somehow lacked in sexual ways, that she wasn't capable of allowing herself the freedom to let go of inhibitions.
But she is quite capable, he thought. It's in her. I've sensed it, caught glimpses of it. She needs encouragement and the proper coaxing. The hormone driven boys here could never entice her, never be able to reveal the hunger and hidden passion, as they simply don't have the experience; they don't know how. - Oh, so you think you're the man to awaken the beast in her, his brain countered. You're so arrogant to think you can change her reactions. Are you sure you're not just wanting to one-up Mr. Malfoy? Somehow prove to her and yourself that you're better than him? To make her desire you and visit your chambers like she has with him?
Sliding his hands through his black hair, he seriously considered going to Dumbledore and requesting his memory be erased. Since the old man probably already knew what had happened, he wouldn't have to explain anything to him. But at least if he didn't have the memory, he wouldn't argue with himself, wouldn't drive himself mad. He chuckled at the fact that even though he'd seen and witnessed death in many ugly forms, never once had he needed his memory erased. And now, here he was considering it because of a girl, a student. It didn't make much sense.
I told you you've gone soft, the voice ridiculed again. A death eater taunted by a little girl. What would you have told yourself years ago if this thought had passed through your brain? Would you have allowed it? Or would you have taken action to end it? You can't continue like this and you know it. The students have already begun to look at you peculiarly in class and the faculty has been whispering behind your back. The first thing you must do in order to put things back in place is assign that vixen detention. – She is not a vixen! – Whatever you want to call her. Just do it before you lose all self-respect. Everything will fall into place then.
As much as he hated to admit it, it was exactly what he needed to do. But maybe, just maybe, he could use it to his advantage. There was only one way to find out.
Hermione told no one what happened, how she'd gone down to have sex with Draco only because she wanted to find out if Severus had asked him anything, how she ran into him when she was leaving, how she had no excuses and had been caught twice by him, how his anger controlled him, escalating, causing her to be slammed against the wall, very thankful when she'd heard footsteps. She wondered what could have happened had they not been interrupted, wondered if he really would have hurt or just tried to scare her. How dare he? Why did he have to have the upper hand? Why did he have to be in control of everything? Why did he have to instill fear in people? Was there something he was compensating for? Some weakness or insecurity?
Taunting him out of nothing but her frustration, as she'd been doing in classes, wasn't the right thing to do and she knew it. She was letting her emotions get the better of her and for what? What did it accomplish except angering him to the point of physical aggression? She didn't want that, especially having witnessed a side of him she knew she never wanted to see again. If she could just find a way to get through his classes this year without either angering him to the point of rash action or earning detention for herself, things would be fine. But was that possible?
As she restlessly turned over in bed, unable to find sleep, she kept seeing that vision of Severus kneeling in front of her, unable to shake it since it happened and consequently driving herself mad. It had been sensual, provocative and quite erotic and she thought it interesting that he'd not touched her at all, instead simply gazed at her, devouring her visibly. Draco had been anything but sensual or erotic, choosing to be more aggressive and going straight for what he wanted, there being certainly no romance and very little foreplay. Severus' hungry eyes had given her a glimpse into a different world, an erotic, sensual world that piqued her curiosity and found herself wanting to explore it and discover if there really was more to this sexual arena that, so far, she was not impressed with. She wondered if that moment had been unique or if there was much more to Severus, but assumed at this point she'd never know.
As the classroom began filling up with students, Severus was preparing himself for dealing with Hermione, telling himself over and over that he would behave more appropriately, handling situations as he usually did, taking away points and assigning detentions when necessary. She'd no longer control him by her outbursts and his allowed fear that she might say something at the wrong time. He was the teacher and the one in control of any and all situations in his classroom.
Hermione waited for Harry and Ron as she had done the past month, feeling too uneasy about walking in the classroom alone. She kept telling herself that she would keep her mouth shut and not tempt him as she had been doing. As she followed her friends in, heading for their table and putting books down, she noticed he was at his desk and that his eyes were following her from underneath strands of black, causing her to take a deep breath and remind herself one last time to behave.
After barking instructions, he watched as everyone hurried to get the ingredients they'd need for the potion he was teaching them to brew. Staring, he saw Hermione glance at him as she remained silent while getting her things, but what was it he saw in her eyes? Fear? Submission? Dammit, he thought. It's because of the other night and my own fault. - Don't go soft now, old man. Remember what you have to do.
Determined not to erupt a reaction from her teacher, Hermione gathered what she needed, making sure to not talk to or even look at anyone, but unable to stop herself from glancing over while he stood in the front of the class, finding he was watching her. He looked puzzled though and she wondered why. What did he have to be puzzled about?
As the class continued working on their potions, Severus walked around to observe, barking out insults when seeing a potion done incorrectly. "It's supposed to be blue with a green swirl," he hissed at one table. "Not pink with yellow. Do it again."
Hermione fought to remain calm as he approached the table where she, Harry and Ron were sitting. She heard his approaching footsteps and made sure she wasn't looking at him, feeling his invasive stare as he peered over their shoulders to see their progress.
"Do it over," he told them and started to walk away.
"But, Sir," Harry said quietly. "I believe it's right. It's blue with a green swirl like you said."
Flipping his head around to stare at the boy, Severus said, "Twenty points from Gryffindor. I said do it again."
Forgetting what she'd been telling herself for the past hour, Hermione was indignant. They'd brewed their potion perfect and had received the desired effect. She knew why he was having them do it again and it was because of her.
"Professor Snape," she began. "Why is it wrong? It looks how you said it should look."
Raising his eyebrows, stepping closer to peer down at the big doe eyes looking up at him, he scowled and answered, "It's wrong because I said it was wrong. Do. It. Again."
She frowned with his answer. "That's not fair," she protested, unable to stop herself from saying it. "We did everything exactly as you said and it's the color it's supposed to be."
"You know, Miss Granger," Severus began. "I do believe you are long overdue for detention. Tonight. Seven. This classroom."
Hermione sat in silence, watching as he walked away. That went well, she thought sarcastically I got exactly what I was trying to avoid. Being alone with him in detention is not what I wanted. Dammit.
"Sorry," Harry mumbled when they left class. "That was the last thing I wanted to see happen."
She shrugged. "It's all right," she told him. "I don't know what his problem is lately."
"Do you think we should say something to Professor McGonagall?" Ron asked.
"No," Hermione said instantly. "That wouldn't be a good idea." Involving someone else into the private issue they shared would not be the proper thing to do. Maybe she should try talking with him later to see if they could straighten this mess out as it was becoming visibly difficult for both to be in the same room and that wouldn't work much longer.
Hermione hadn't been able to eat dinner as she dreaded what was to come. Why did he do that? She thought he'd been trying to avoid her. Their potion had been correct and he knew it. Assigning her detention was simply from spite. What was he going to do? Slam her around again? Yell at her? Ignore her? She would be thankful when this night was over.
Slipping from the Hall, she quietly made her way to the dungeons, her racing heart louder than her echoing footsteps. Relax, she tried to tell herself. You'll be fine. Maybe you can talk to him. Maybe it won't be as bad as you think. Maybe the Severus that helped you will reappear.
Approaching the wooden door she hated to open, she knocked quietly, hearing the voice that made her tremble call out, "Come in!" She pushed the door open and stepped inside, gently closing it behind her. She was acutely aware of every move and sound she was making, scared that one tiny thing would set him off again.
"Nice of you to be on time," he scoffed, not lifting his head from his papers. "You can start by cleaning off the tables and chairs, putting the chairs on top of the tables when you're finished. Then you can clean the floor. The supplies are in the back closet. And I would thank you to work quietly."
Hermione said nothing, immediately heading for the closet to retrieve the cleaning supplies she would need, and then beginning on the tables furthest from him, trying to be as quiet as she could as not to erupt another outburst from him. There were all sorts of dried substances stuck to the tables and chairs and she found herself having to scrape most of it off first before she was able to actually wipe it. As she cleaned, she'd periodically glance over at him, hoping to catch him watching her, but never succeeded as he was busy with his paperwork, almost oblivious to her presence.
Severus fought every urge to look at her as he knew she was glancing at him every so often, telling himself he must continue to act as if he didn't care she was there, must return to how he was with her before that night happened. He must make her hate him again. You don't want that, he told himself. You want to talk to her. You know you should apologize for shoving her against the wall. Look at how she's cleaning. She's making every effort not to make a single sound in fear you'll attack her. It's ridiculous. Just apologize. You won't be compromising anything. This can't continue.
Two hours later, Severus couldn't stand the internal arguing any longer, rising from his desk, determined to address the problems between them, walking to the back of the room where Hermione was putting the cleaning supplies away after having cleaned the tables, chair and floor better than it had ever been done. He'd replayed the conversation he wanted to have with her in his head a hundred different ways, realizing that it hadn't helped at all.
"Miss Granger," he said, noticing her immediately retreat from his presence, not looking at him. "We need to talk."
"I cleaned the tables and the chairs and put them on the table like you asked," she said quietly. "And I finished the floors." He wouldn't think of making her do it again, would he?
"It's not about the cleaning."
"What is it?" she asked, beginning to rearrange the supplies on the shelf.
Severus watched her for a few moments before saying, "Hermione, please look at me."
Amazed at hearing her name on his lips, she slowly turned to face him, thankful he was not scowling at her. "What?" she asked again, protectively crossing her arms in front of her.
"My actions the other night at the staircase were inappropriate," he began, dark eyes blending with hers in the awkwardness. "Please accept my apology. It will not happen again."
Hermione was shocked at the sincerity of his tone and the softness of his eyes. "You're apologizing?" she asked to make sure her ears weren't deceiving her. Was she dreaming?
"I believe that is what I just did," he stated evenly. "Do you not accept it?"
"No," she answered quickly. "I mean, yes I do accept it. I'm just…surprised." Maybe she would be able to talk to him after all?
"I did not mean to hurt you or frighten you," he continued, remembering the guilt he'd felt. "I hadn't intended to do that and was just as startled as you when I did."
Hermione was stepping out on a limb but had to ask because if she didn't, she might not have another opportunity. "Why did you do that?" she asked quietly, uncrossing her arms.
Severus walked past her a few steps before turning around to face her, leaning and resting his hand on the edge of a table, staring at her as if she held the answer. Maybe he needed to just tell her now and get it over with and end all the awkwardness and anger between them. "Ever since your…that night," he said, not sure what to call it. "I've had very inappropriate thoughts that have…affected the way I conduct myself around you."
Finding herself curious, she repeated, "Inappropriate thoughts?" Had he been thinking of her in that way? Was it possible?
Straightening up and letting go of the table, rubbing his hands together, Severus answered, "Yes, inappropriate thoughts. I didn't intend them though. After helping you that night and seeing you…unclothed…and having read your mind, I found myself becoming…preoccupied with both." He looked down, unable to believe that he was admitting this but knowing it was the right thing to do, he shook his head and added, "And then you went back to him….and I just couldn't understand it…after what happened."
A wave of guilt rushed over Hermione as she felt her face grow hot. "It's not what you thought," she told him, for some reason not wanting him to think she wanted Draco in that way.
Almost smirking, Severus said, "I know what you did. You gave him a truth serum and asked him if I'd said anything about you to him." He stepped closer and narrowed his eyes at her. "How could you think I would betray your privacy by telling another, especially a student, especially him?"
He sounded almost hurt as Hermione's eyes darted about before fixing back on his, ignoring the rising emotion she felt. "I thought…I don't know…I mean…that morning…you just threw me out…and you'd been so…helpful…and nice…and…" How was she to explain the mess of her mind?
Severus stepped closer. "And what?" he asked curiously, studying her eyes for truth.
Absentmindedly playing with locks of her hair, twirling them around her finger, Hermione answered, "And there were these…moments…where I thought you were really concerned…like you really cared about me. And then you didn't…and I thought you were angry…and that maybe you told him to…get back at me and…"
Closing the distance between them completely, Severus slowly reached for her hand, taking it from her hair and holding it in his, the tips of his fingers massaging her palm while his thumb caressed the top of her hand, silencing her rambling. "Hermione, I would never do that. I would never tell another what happened," he reassured. "Not this incident anyway." He'd had betrayals in his past that he was not proud of but never would he jeopardize a student's private life.
Aware of the warmth of his hand holding hers, Hermione said, "But you told Draco to stay away from me."
"Yes I did and sometimes I'm a foolish old man," he said with a smirk, enjoying the softness of her flesh against his.
"I don't think you're a foolish old man," she told him, feeling her heart race with his continued touch, inhaling his scent once again, it taking her back to the night she slept in his bed. She looked up and curiously waited for his response, sensing a change in the energy between them, as his fingers slipped to the top of her hand, sliding up her forearm, almost to her elbow and then gently turning her arm over to reveal the sensitive flesh, trailing his other fingertips up and down, shivers of electricity filling her body, causing hair to stand straight up and her breath to catch in her throat.
His eyes followed his long fingers, taking in the creaminess of her skin. "What do you think of me?" he asked curiously, lowering his voice, continuing his caresses, not wanting to let go of her, hoping she would not pull from him or tell him he was out of place with his inquiry.
Feeling stirrings within, Hermione had to fight to think of words to answer his question, loving the sensations dancing under her skin. "I…uh…think you're…um…I don't know…if I should say…exactly," she stammered, hoping he wouldn't stop touching her, lost in her own world. First his eyes and now his fingers, almost afraid of her want for more.
He paused, his fingers lifting to her chin, gently raising her head so he could see her eyes, then returned to stroking her arm. "Hermione, tell me," he said, almost a whisper. "Forget propriety."
Hearing his voice so low it was almost a quiet growl and feeling the tingling from his touch broke her resistance. "I have…inappropriate thoughts also," she said with a slight smile, using his own words so he would have a clear understanding, her head nearly spinning from excitement, wondering what he was doing to her.
"What thoughts?" he inquired, never breaking eye contact with her, sensing she was beginning to let a few walls fall from around her. "Tell me."
Almost in a trance from his towering presence, his light touch, his musky scent, his deep voice, Hermione answered without really thinking, "I keep seeing you…in front of me…your eyes scanning my body…and then that final moment…seeing such an intense hunger in your eyes…I can't stop thinking about it."
Severus slipped his fingers to the inside of her palm, allowing them to dance and trace, loving the sharp intakes of breath he heard from her, knowing this was what she needed, what she wanted, that he was reaching that hidden depth that was still untouched. "Did you find pleasure in watching me stare at your body, seeing every inch of you?" he whispered, hoping she'd answer truthfully.
Hardly able to stand the combination of his caresses and the sensuality emanating from him, seemingly entrancing and controlling her, Hermione answered with no hesitation, "Very much so. I picture it every night when I'm in bed."
"What do you feel when you think about it?" he purred, never letting go of her arm, his fingers with a mind of their own as they grazed her flesh, thankful she was allowing herself to open up with him.
Her eyes were locked with his, unable to look away even if she wanted, and felt no control over her body and mind, as if she'd given both to him completely and was subject to his whims. "I feel…excited…almost…intoxicated…like I have to have more," she said quietly, reeling from the effect he was having on her. She heard her words and was surprised by her admittance.
"Do you want more?" he whispered, finding it near impossible to not grab her and ravish her right then. "Do you want me to do that again? To kneel in front of your naked body and allow my eyes to take in every inch of exposed flesh? To allow you to see the depth of my desire?"
Nodding, amazed at the sensual words dripping from his lips, excited by his silky deep voice, she answered, "Yes I do."
All in one swift fluid movement, he took her arm and spun her around so her back was against his chest, covering her hands with his, their fingers entwining, holding her close to him, his breath near her ear. "Will you do something for me?" he whispered, controlling her hands, gliding them over her body. "Will you picture that scene again tonight? And will you fantasize, picturing me doing whatever you'd like me to, feeling my touch and lips wherever you want? And while you're doing that…," he slid their hands slowly up to her breasts, gently squeezing, and then down to the warm triangle between her legs, gently pressing, before settling them at her waist, asking, "Will you touch yourself while you're envisioning me? Will you bring yourself to climax while fantasizing about me pleasuring you?"
Closing her eyes, his words causing stirrings within her, turning her on as no other touch ever had, never wanting him to stop, she would have agreed to anything. "Yes, Severus," she whispered. "I will."
Allowing his lips to graze her ear, eliciting a small gasp from her, he quietly growled, "Will you tell me about it after so I can then have my turn at fantasizing about you laying in bed, your hands crawling over your body, thinking about me?" He pressed her against his body, forcing her to feel his excitement hardening, proving his desire.
"Yes," she answered quietly, wanting him to turn her around and take her right there in the classroom.
"You must go now," he told her, resisting the urge to face her and crush his lips to hers. "It's late and you have an assignment to finish." He let go of her hands and pushed her forward slightly, hating to do it but knowing it was right for now, hoping they would have their time. Tonight had been unexpected but he found once he started talking to her and saw her physical responses, he couldn't stop himself from diving in.
"Okay," she said, walking from him, glancing around with a small smile. "Goodnight."
With a slight smirk, he answered, "Goodnight, Hermione."
Hermione found herself in awe as she slowly walked back to the common room, never having experienced anything like what just happened. She couldn't believe the effect he had on her, the way his words dripped from his lips, causing physical excitement to stir inside her, his soft caresses shooting electricity through her body, commanding her to obey with a subtleness she'd never known. She also couldn't believe what she'd said, what she'd admitted, with no hesitation, as if his very essence took away her inhibitions. And she could not deny how erotic the conversation had been; never thinking words could affect her like they did, wondering how he could pleasure her with nothing more than soft murmurs in her ear.
Later in bed, she was instantly compelled to do what he asked her to, curious to see how it would feel, quickly allowing her hands freedom in the darkness that she'd never really thought about before. Touching herself was not something she'd tried because it never made a difference to her. But now, she couldn't wait, knowing it had been a request, knowing that he was thinking about her, wondering if she was doing it, anxious to hear about her experience later. With instantly hardened nipples, her fingers slid further down to the anticipating heat, touching, playing and probing, choking back moans and gasps as not to disturb those around her, realizing she must be quiet, not wanting to stop long enough to perform any kind of silencing spell around her. Images flashed through her mind; Severus kneeling in front of her, eyes gazing at her body once again, her eyes meeting with his and seeing the hungry desire in them, and this time adding her own thoughts of his hands touching her, holding her, caressing her body as his lips claimed hers in a wet kiss, their bodies pushed together. Then she thought of being in the classroom with him tonight, seeing the piercing stare of his eyes, hearing his words, feeling his breath on her ear, the warmth of his body pressing to her back….oh god…her core was immediately racked with uncontrollable spasms and convulsions, biting her tongue to silence her groans of passion, never having felt such a pleasurable height of ecstasy.
She was out of breath and panting, relaxing into the physical euphoria she was experiencing, feeling as if she was floating above the bed, amazed at what had happened, knowing she wanted it again, wondering why she hadn't felt anything like this with Draco. She smiled then and thought, what is this man doing to me?
Whatever it was, she wanted more.