Dax had stood on the second level of the promenade for what had seemed like an age after Kahn had boarded the transport ship, almost convincing herself that this was all part of some sick joke. Once she realised for certain that Lenara would not be coming back she had left for her duties at Ops in an effort to carry on as normal, though on the inside she was one large tangled knot of pain.
Dax spent her shift in grateful silence, luckily with no major incidents arising that would have required her attention. Major Kira kept an eye on her friend knowing that though she may appear to be her usual self, it was probably not the case, only twice in the entire shift did Kira see Dax's resolve falter, briefly allowing a lone tear to trail down her face unhindered. It was only her many accumulated years and her own firm grip on her emotions that enabled her to complete her duties at all. Once their shift had ended, Dax made a relieved beeline for her quarters trying to uphold an outward air of professionalism was the only thing that stopped her from running all the way there. Once inside the Science Officer locked the doors and went over to the porthole where Lenara had stood only a day or so previously, a resonating howl of anguish escaped her as she slid slowly to the deck and sobbed uncontrollably for several long minutes, allowing grief for the loss of Kahn from both herself and Torias to spill out.
Kira, on Sisko's suggestion had followed Dax back to her quarters; and had reached the doors in time to hear her cry of inconsolable grief. She waited for a few minutes until the worst of it had seemingly died down, knowing that her friend was not one to openly broadcast her emotions, even to her closest friends, before approaching the door and requesting entry. For awhile Kira was unsure that Dax would even reply and that, understandably, she was being ignored. "Jadzia…its Nerys, please let me in?" she pleaded using her first name, in the hope that it would make her seem more neutral. Eventually the doors chimed that she could enter. She walked into the unlit room and found Dax curled up into a corner of the sofa. Kira walked over and sat next to her, placing both hands to either side of Dax's face who looked into her eyes sorrowfully before collapsing into her friends caring embrace in an uncharacteristically emotional outpour, and sobbing once more, though quieter and calmer now, her immediate gut wrenching grief already having been expelled. Kira's heart went out to her friend, though truthfully she was a little worried about Dax's reaction as it seemed so completely unlike her usually serious yet joyous and rather mischievous young friend.
A seemingly short while later Dax sat up and wiped her eyes, moving a hand up to wipe the stray tears from Kira's face that had quietly been shed in sympathy for her friend. "I really needed that…thank you, for being such a good friend Nerys!"
Kira looked at her "You know I will fully support you in anything you chose to do" she began "I completely disagree with the Trill symbiosis commissions rules, if you love someone you should be free to follow your heart" she added vehemently "I've spent the best part of my life in war zone's, enough to know that when you find someone, you hold on! And as much as I like Dr Kahn, I think she's completely insane to have let you go Jadzia!" she added "Though from seeing how she felt about you, it can't have been an easy decision for her to have had to make." She said after a pause for thought.
Dax gave a weak smile "No, I don't truly believe she made her decision rashly or without great thought and heartache, she was so scared and unsure of the commission and of the laws…and exile…it's such a final punishment, if you take that step, you can't ever turn back to Trill, you can't change your mind in that regard…and it's not something you should decide to do lightly, in the long run, she probably had more to lose than I did!" she paused briefly "But that doesn't stop it from hurting, from feeling like I wasn't good enough for her, that I was never going to be no matter what I did, and now it's like I'm a partial person, that there's a huge hole inside of me, that only she can fill…no matter how logically you look at it, that's how I feel." Kira nodded in understanding pulling Dax back into their embrace.
Now, a month later, Major Kira Nerys stood on the promenade watching her friend Cmdr Jadzia Dax over on the far side, leaning despondently on a railing almost hidden by the shadows of the muted lighting that marked the linear night on the station, half-heartedly watching the other inhabitants pass by. Kira sighed; her heart went out to the young Trill, ever since Dr. Lenara Kahn, a previous hosts wife had returned to the Trill home world after spending some time on the station doing tests on her artificial wormhole theory, Dax had been spending more time alone, which in itself, was highly unusual of the enigmatic and personable young woman, who at 32 and being part of a joined species, had already lived through more life times than most could even dream of. She'd managed to continue exuding a façade of having dealt with her loss, though it failed to convince any of the senior staff, and if anything she had thrown herself even more completely into her work, and often spending several hours a night running anomaly scans in Ops in an effort to relax enough so as to be able to fall into a somewhat fitful sleep. Kira couldn't stand there anymore just watching her so quietly engulfed by her pain, she pushed off from the railing she'd been leaning against and set off for Dax's side. "Hey" she quietly greeted the Trill as she came to stand beside her, absentmindedly mimicking her position, leaning on the railings.
Dax turned her azure blue gaze upon her friend "Hey Kira" she said attempting to sound a little more upbeat than she currently felt, before returning her gaze to Quark's raucous patrons, who were starting to spill over onto the promenade as closing time approached.
Kira considered her options thoughtfully before voicing the questions raging inside her head. "If you don't mind me asking, why didn't you follow her?" she asked quietly "I mean, you told me you love her…?"
"More than anything" replied Dax carefully as she struggled to keep her voice neutral "I didn't follow, because" she paused, taking a deep breath to contain her emotions before continuing "I felt she had the right to make her own decision…I didn't think that she'd make the choice to leave though" Dax regarded her friend with glistening eyes "Nerys, what have I done?" she whispered her voice cracking ever so slightly as she turned to face Kira fully, lightly gripping her shoulders.
Kira let her hand come up and gently brush the side of Dax's face "What you felt you had to, what you felt was right…for her. Jadzia, did you even think about what you really wanted? I know you asked her to stay, but were you ever willing to consider that her answer might be no?" she said "were you ever willing to accept that as her answer!" she continued knowingly
Dax gave a self-deprecating laugh "No, my ego, or maybe it was Torias'" she mused thoughtfully for a moment before continuing "I…never thought of it, except to dismiss the idea, I thought that if she felt as strongly about me as I did for her, then her choice would be obvious" she trailed off, turning to face the crowds once more. "She was right; she doesn't have a little Curzon inside of her telling her to be so impulsive, I never gave the sway of Trill law over a person credit for its importance."
Kira regarded her friend "Well, it might be clichéd, but you know what you have to do, right?" she queried, her nose crinkling in amusement, making her already ridged nose become even more emphasised, eyes twinkling gleefully.
Dax looked at her, one eyebrow raised quizzically in a manner reminiscent of Spock and shook her head almost imperceptibly, as if to ask what?
"Go after her of course, you should at least find out why she chose to leave" she paused considering her words "Was it just because of Trill customs and society expectations, or because she wanted to live this life, and not that of her previous host. I mean you are no longer married, if you don't mind me saying so, it is as your laws state re-association." She continued in a rush, wanting to finish what she had to say before Dax chose to take affront.
"You should probably breathe now" replied Dax her eyes beginning to regain their characteristic sparkle. "I think you've given this more thought than I have" she gently chided her friend
"You've not been considering your options, mulling over events in your mind?" asked Kira sceptically her voice rising slightly in question
Dax blushed "Well not during my every waking moment…just through most of them"
Kira rolled her eyes "Thought as much…there's a shuttle leaving for Trill at 0800hrs…and I happen to know that you have an inordinate amount of leave time stored up, we're not busy, facing imminent mortal peril, or anything like that, so why not go see Sisko and get yourself on the ship?"
Trying to get rid of me Nerys?" queried Dax as she resumed her leaning though this time in a more genuinely relaxed manner.
"Never, just trying to help you, you've been floating around the station like a Borhyas ever since Kahn left, and you know as well as anyone that you're going to be about as much use as a Bajoran Moba fruit around here until you've at least done everything possible…even if it doesn't turn out the way you want it to."
Dax let a brief smile at Kira's analogy of her mood grace her features as she continued to cast her eyes over the promenade "Benjamin was suggesting I used some of my leave time whilst Lenara was here, so I'd avoid meeting with her I guess, though he later said he'd support me in whatever decision I made" she mused more for her own benefit than Kira's. She stood "Is he still awake do you think? Benjamin I mean" she qualified at Kira's mildly confused look.
"Doubt it, but he's on Alpha shift this month, so he'll be around by 0600hrs I should imagine, pack now, ask later?" suggested Kira
Dax grinned at her friend then hugged her impulsively causing Kira to laugh. "Thank you Nerys!" she said sincerely "I really needed another head on this one, mine was driving me quietly insane" she added with another Spock like eyebrow quirk though this time in amusement. Kira and Dax spoke for a short while longer, before Dax left to gather her things together and Kira left for bed.