October 21, 2003
One Week Later...
When everything seems to go wrong...That is when it's the perfect time to laugh. To realize that in just a short while, your troubles will melt away. That's what my father said to me the day he died. Now I feel like I'll never laugh. So I guess my troubles will never melt away. I told my mother last night "I was through." She told me to "go to hell", so I simply replied, "How can I? If I'm still trying to leave?" My mother has a real distinct hate for me now, even worse than before. Along with a distinct love for making me suffer,worse than before. In every way possible. Since my father died, She tells me that I should have died that day. She doesn't understand though. I did die that day. When my father died, and I didn't. It was two months ago that it happened. And every day I still go to school in pain, crying on the inside. My mother wouldn't let me stay home after the accident happened. The doctor told her, I needed bed rest for at least a day. She told me I deserved to suffer. And I did.
I remember exactly what happened that day last week, too.
"Hey kiddo" My father opened the door to my room. " You wanna come to the stores with me?" I didn't answer right away. I couldn't. " Chase? You in here?"
" Yea, dad I'm in here." I told him almost as quick as I shoved my notebook in my desk drawer.
" You want to come to the stores with me?" My dad asked again as he poked his head in my room. I honestly didn't want to. But it was better than staying alone with that woman. Anything and everything to get out of the house, away from her, was fine with me.
" Sure. Just give me a sec. I have to find my shoes." I told him.
" O.K. I'll see you in a minute then. By the car. " He told me and walked away, closing my door. I took out my bag from my closet. It was black, and it had one shoulder strap. The part that folded over the zipper was all torn and frayed at the bottom. I stuck a bunch of random pins of bands I liked on the front cover. Slipknot, Korn, The Used. And a couple had random sayings. Along the lines of " you suck, and so do I. We're even." This bag had everything in it. My notebooks, my camera, my sketchpad. All there. All my escapes from my torment in a bag. How Convenient. I took my notebook back from it's hiding place in my desk, and dropped it in my bag. Getting my shoes, I left my room. I just took my shoes and socks with me to the car.
" You're not just going to carry those around with you, are you?" My dad said laughing, as he pointed over to my shoes.
" No. I'm not." I told him. Not knowing, that was the last thing I would be saying to him. While he was conscience at least.
October 22, 2003
I had school tomorrow. Today was Sunday, and Jazzlyn was coming over tonight. I hope my mom could control her drinking for just a moment while I got her up to my room. It's weird with her now. I've known her since kindergarten.Now Being In 8th grade, I've grown to love her. In more than a friendly way. I honestly think if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be able to keep going. We were just friends. I loved her, and we are just friends? Wow, what a great way to spend 9 years. Well, we are best friends. Yay. Well I am up in my room now.
My phone just rang. My conversation was as follows.
Me : " Hello?"
Jazzlyn : " Hey Chase. Is it okay if I came by now? I want to tell you something, and I kinda sorta wanted to tell you now, you know, in person."
Me : " Uhm. Yea. Sure."
I didn't sound to certain when I told her she could though. So she assured me nothing was wrong. I sure hope so. (I'll be back after she leaves.)
So I went downstairs and waited by the door. Luckily she only lived three doors down. So when she knocked on the door, I hesitated. Even with her little assurance, I still thought that someway somehow, this could be bad. I opened the door and swallowed.
Our conversation went as follows.
Me : " Hey Jasmin." and I gave her a hug. A sad, kind of, don't let go hug. I'm pathetic
Jazzlyn : " Hey Chase." She gladly hugged back. A nice, warm hug. It felt good. Damn...I hate her...
Jazzlyn : " So is it safe to go inside?" She laughed. I laughed back, but I never found it funny.
Me : " Yea, it is." I told her. Then I opened up the front door all the way, letting her in. We went up the stairs to my room, and when we got in I closed my door. I could her my mother screaming at her television. I wanted to get the conversation that was so important over with before my mother took her frustration out on me, instead of that T.V. I could only be that lucky. Jazzy sat down on my bed and a just kinda stared into her eyes. Then we started to talk.
Again our conversation is as follows
Jazzlyn : " Chase, about what I need to tell you... I don't exactly know how to let you know. You might hate me for it." She paused and I swallowed. Hard. " I don't want to mess up our friendship. Its so great, Because, Chace, You're my best friend. And...And...Oh, I just have to say it. Don't I?" She paused again. So I assumed she wanted an answer.
Me : " Y-Y-ea, That would be best." I was a nervous wreck, and she could tell from how much I was stuttering. Damn, this was driving me crazy. I had to know. Did she have a boyfriend? Did I lose her before even having her? What was going on? Surprise Surprise, I started getting angry, my face getting all red.
Me : " Jazz? Come on. I won't hate you. I could never hate you." I took a deep breath in as I told her this. I needed to know.
Right. I was getting impatient, so I went to my closet and pulled out my bag. Over the last two months my bag started to acquire more things to carry. Like my cigarettes. Smoking seems to releave stress. Why hadn't I thought of it sooner? When I opened the window and looked down on Brooklyn, I took a deep sigh as snow was starting to blanket the ground, hiding the worlds imperfections with its beauty. I write journals so weird. Then I lit up a cigarette. Jazz walked over and rested her arm around me over my shoulders. It sent a uneasy feeling down my spine, a shiver. Jazzlyn rested her head on me, and took a deep long sigh as she looked outside. I looked at her and she followed my gaze.
She started talking again. Honestly She should have never spoken a word.
Jazzlyn : " I wanted to tell you...tell you that I..." her voice was barely above a whisper, and her eyes started to glass. It took me in, like a trance taking over my whole body. I suddenly felt warm, and couldn't control my urge anymore. I turned to fully face her, and wrapped my arms around her waist. I leaned in to kiss her, but just as my lips were so close to hers. So close I could feel every warm breath. She said it. Said it so loud that it pierced my heart right through. "I'm going out with Alec." She said it and pulled herself back... That asshole. That stupid ass. I'll kill him. I've known him since pre-k. That prick. He knew! He knew I loved her! How much I cared about her. He didn't deserve her! But then again, neither do I. So I let go of her, quick, and walked away. I wasn't mad, happy for her, or sad. I felt more along the lines of...well...nothing. Numb. I just looked at her.
Well my feeling of numbness soon faded. This is how rude I was to her.
Me : " Well then go be with him. Go be with Alec." When she didn't move, I started to feel again. But I was pissed. " I SAID GO! Go be with him, go be..." and that anger soon died out. Jazzlyn let her tears consume her, and she ran out of my room. I heard the front door slam. I Definitely didn't laugh at this, because now, not only have I lost my father. I had lost Jazzlyn and Alec. My two best friends. My two only friends. I was really not going to find this funny. And never would. I had that feeling again, well that non-feeling. My mom just slammed open my door...
October 23, 2003
BEEP!... BEEP!... BEEP!...BEEEEEEEP! That stupid noise had woken me up. The last one hurt my head. My alarm was going crazy. I never even set it,What the hell? The alarm clock seemed to taunt me. Like it just wanted to piss me off. I think I'm going crazy. Did I just think my alarm clock could taunt me? Whatever. I want to go back to sleep. Wait. No. I have school. Lucky for me my alarm did go off. Well I am going to get ready now. I have to get to school. School...Joy...
October 23, 2003
Entry 2 ( During School )
This is what happened last night.
My fight with my mother is as follows
Her : " Where the hell do you think you're going!" She screamed at me, and stopped throwing things for just a moment. Lucky me?
Me : " Anywhere but here, I'm not dealing with your crap right now." I had never spoken to her that way. Ever. And I knew there was no way of getting out now. So she walked over to me. Real close, all in my face. I could smell the alcohol on her breath. She took what she was holding in her hand, my algebra textbook, and smashed me in the face with it. I fell to the floor holding my nose. I didn't look at her, and tried to get up. Bad move. I instantly felt the book smash into the back of my head. I felt dizzy, and my eyes blacked out for a second. Then they stayed black. I passed out.
I remember my dream so well. This is what happened
Start Dream : Why am I running? I thought to myself. What is going on. I looked behind me, and saw a trail of blood. Then I started to feel woozy. Instinctively I put my hand on the back of my head and I felt around, there was a huge hole, and i could feel the soft tissue. Holy crap. Half of the back of my head was gone. What the hell happened? Then all of the sudden I was in a car. Driving as fast as the car could go. I never lost control. I looked in my rear view mirror, and there another car chasing me. So I took a sharp left. Bad move. The car was in front of me somehow, and before I got away, it had drvin right over the hood of my car. How the hell was it happening? Because the next thing I know, I'm running again, hand in hand with Jazzlyn. And Alec was running beside us with a gun in hand. I took notice of where I was. In some department store. I looked over at Jazz, something wasn't right. Her entire body was transparent, so was Alec's. Then it hit me. They're dead I thought to myself. Her chest was all bloodied as well as Alec's. They both started to fade out. And everything around me was turning black. I looked beneath me, although I couldn't see, I knew I was falling. The air around was hot, and choking me. It felt like forever. Then i hit the ground. And I never got back up : End Dream
O.K. When I finally opened my eyes and took a breath, it became short. My rib cage hurts. And I couldn't bare to stand up, but I had to. It took me a while, but I got myself up and I had this weird flashback from my dream. " They're dead I thought to myself " And they are. I guess because I fell like they're dead to me now, they were in my dream. The rest, even though I remember it, I can't put it with a reason. I put my hand against the wall and balanced myself, putting all my weight on my right foot. My watch beeped, and I looked down at my wrist seeing it was already nine. I'd been out for eight hours? Whatever. I truly didn't care at that moment. I was more of a night person anyway. Taking a deep, painful breath, I sat down on my bed. I had a feeling to write, but I wasn't up to it. My head was pounding, like it had it's own heartbeat. And at that note-to self, I went downstairs to find some Tylenol. My mom was passed out on the sofa, and the television was louder than the speakers were able to handle. So I grabbed the remote and turned it off, then dragged myself into the kitchen. Damn, That night I was either tired, or that pain was making me tired. I don't exactly remember doing this, but somehow I was lying down in my bed about to fall asleep. And within seconds I was fast asleep.
October 24, 2003
Nothing interesting happened yesterday so I didn't bother writing that. But today, well thats a different story. School sucked and right now I'm in my room drowning my stupid sorrows in fried chicken and loud music. Smart me. Alec did call me twice yesterday and Jazzlyn called once. They probably want to tell me to get over it, and tell me that I don't deserve her... What the hell am I doing? Alec wouldn't do that to me. Not after he betrayed me and stole Jazzlyn. Whom I hate now. But wait. I have to take a while, because if you truly love somebody, than you never stop loving them. If I do stop, that means I never did in the first place. I hope I never did. I'll write later, I wanna go to the park and take some photos.
October 24, 2003
Entry 2 ( After Taking Some Kick Ass Photos )
I guess you could say I love photography. Because I do. I like to take pictures of the world, and stop time. Cool, I can stop time. But only for a moment. But these moments last forever. I took some shots of the trees being bare of leaves. Of snow piled on houses. Kids making snow-angels. Happiness. My dad said I have a real knack for photography. He did too. I hate that he's gone. My dad was my best friend. Is that sad? I'm a guy, I like nature, My dad was a real role-model, I can write poetry, I can cry. Holy crap. If I wasn't little goth boy at school, They'd say I'm little gay boy. But I like girls...I think...No! I know. I'm straight. Definitely straight. Yup. okay. Now that thats straightened out. (ha ha i found that funny.)