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Part 7
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Natalie hugged her pillow to her and tried to get the smell of burning flesh out of her nose. She took a ragged breath and forced her tired eyes to stay open. When she closed them all she could see was her doppelganger hunched over the fryer. In the scattered dreams she'd had when exhaustion had finally pulled her into sleep she could see the girl moving, trying to free herself. It was just a trick of her mind, but no matter how many times she reminded herself the image stayed.

God, she wished John was here right now. She missed his solid warmth enclosing her in his comforting hold. She hated herself for the weakness that had her missing a man who chose not to be beside her. Which one of them was the more foolish she wasn't sure, him for refusing the acknowledge the fire that burned in his blue eyes when he looked at her or her for wanting to claw at him and get him to admit how much he loved her.

"Stop it Natalie!" she ordered herself. She knew right where he was right now and it killed her. She had called the police station to see if he wanted to take her statement and been told he had gone home. The pain was not only jealousy, but how far from himself John had come from himself since he got involved with Evangeline. The John she had known and first loved would be at the office right now working tirelessly to get inside the mind of the killer and focused on nothing but bringing him down. Instead, he was at his girlfriend's swishy pad losing himself in meaningless sex.

Natalie rolled over on her back and looked at the ceiling. Meaningless sex, the phrase reverberated in her head. Was that all she was to him? While, she had enjoyed sticking it to Evangeline and she had enjoyed the lengths they went to in order to keep their affair secret, what had it all really meant to either of them? It was just like after Atlantic City, Natalie admitted. She had been too afraid of getting hurt and rejected; too afraid of losing John like she had Cristian to go for what she really wanted – a fully committed relationship with John. But what about John? Was he holding back because of her fears or because being with her was meaningless.

The thought was searing and seemed unbelievable, yet a few months ago the though that John McBain would engage in an affair behind his girlfriend's back seemed just as unlikely. What little he had said intimated that he and Evangeline had no plans for the future and something about strings. Natalie had not delved further, not wanting to have to confront her own conscience.

She could count on one hand the number of men she'd had sex with. Seth. James. Cristian. Paul. John. Just as John often queried why he couldn't stop himself from being with her, Natalie wondered how she had fallen into the relationship.

With a frustrated sigh Natalie sat up and turned on her bedside lamp. Sleep was clearly out, but she needed to silence her mind. Thinking about the Diner or John was driving her crazy. She couldn't focus enough to study. Maybe she should go into the station and work of the energy? Before she could stand up the telephone rang.

Frowning she answered.

"Hello?"

"Did I wake you?"

Calling herself a simpering fool in her head, Natalie's face relaxed into a smile as she heard John's voice.

"Actually, I was just going to get dressed and go into work."

"Can't sleep, huh?" She could hear the smile in his voice. "Me either. Want to meet me? I can take your statement. Buy you a coffee."

"There's no place open for a coffee this time of night."

"Then I'll make you one at the office. The good stuff."

"How about a donut?"

"I think there's some day olds in the kitchen."

"Nah, I need fresh grease and sugar."

"We could meet at Carl's on Route 9, have coffee too?"

"Half an hour?"

Natalie hung up the telephone and looked at it in bemusement for a few minutes before she got up and went to get ready.

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John was already sitting at a booth in the back corner when Natalie arrived. She slid in the booth across from her and inhaled, gratefully, the scent of the hot coffee he had waiting for her. She smiled shyly as he handed her packets of Equal. She dumped in the sweetener and took a bracing sip of the hot black beverage. She looked around at the late night spot over the chipped blue mug.

"What?"

"Nothing." Natalie shrugged and put the coffee down and picked up the menu.

"I already ordered for you." He took it out of her hand. "What were you thinking?"

"John, drop it." At his stubborn look she sighed. "I was wondering why we never met here before. Happy?"

"Because it's out of the way and no one we know comes here." John's voice was flat. He held a hand up when she opened her mouth to speak. "It's fair. I figured that's what you were thinking because I was thinking the same thing when I got here."

Natalie leaned back in the booth and just looked at John.

"Your next question is what happened to us. I can honestly say I have no idea how we got here."

"What is here?"

"Yeah. I'm not too sure of that either. Evangeline and I are over."

Natalie toyed with the plain metal knife on the table, avoiding John's piercing gaze as she tried to sort out her feelings about the news.

"Who ended it?" she finally asked.

"I did." John tilted his head back and rubbed his eyes. "I ended it." This time his voice was firmer.

Natalie propped her chin on her hand, her elbow resting on the table and looked at him trying to discern whether he was happy about the news. All she could see was weariness. That was okay, she felt the same way.

The silence was broken only by the cute waiter bringing them their bacon, eggs and toast with a side of pancakes for them to share.

Natalie picked up the maple syrup – synthetic – and waved it at John who nodded before she proceeded to drown the baked goodies.

John dropped a hunk of butter into the middle of the mess.

There was no conversation for the next twenty minutes, only the sounds of them eating and the occasional clank of their forks as they went for the pancakes at the same time.

When their plates were clean and they had absorbed enough caffeine and sugar to make them eat jittery they finally looked at each other.

"Why?" Natalie asked.

"I thought you had died tonight and it suddenly occurred to me that these feelings weren't going to go away."

"What feelings?" Natalie's question was a hopeful whisper.

"I've always said we were friends. Close friends. Best friends." John reached across the table and took her hand. "Then we started that other stuff."

"Stuff?" Amusement lifted Natalie's tone, and lightened the mood between them.

"Sex. We started having sex."

Natalie nodded, urging him to go on.

"It was wrong of me, Natalie. To betray Evangeline like that, but I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't not be with you. The last week…well, it was really hard. No pun intended." John smirked before his face got serious again. "I tried to beat it back, wait it out. But once I knew what it was like to make love to you. To hold you. To wake up with you." John shook his head, words failing him.

The switch from the word sex to love did not go unnoticed by Natalie.

"It wasn't fair to you either, Natalie. I don't know how you feel about me, but you deserve better than to be my mistress as you so rightly called it. There's what was said in the heat of passion, or maybe I just pretended…" John broke off.

"I love you, John. I wasn't lying about that. But maybe I wasn't ready for anything more either. I've just been scared."

"Of what? Me?"

"Same things you're afraid of. Betraying Cristian's memory. Loving you and then losing you. Letting you down."

"You could never let me down."

"What are we saying here?" Natalie asked.

"I want to give it a shot. It could be a big mistake, for you."

Natalie's jaw dropped open.

"I see I've made you speechless. But you have to say something." John grinned. "Is this what you want?"

"Yes. I want you. I want us." Tears pricked Natalie's eyes.

"How about we go back to my place and try to get some sleep. I bet I can keep the nightmares at bay."

"Sleep?" Natalie teased.

"Eventually." John stroked her hand with his thumb. "I do have to be in the office early. We both do. We have a killer to catch."

"Check please!" Natalie called out.