What Happens When You House a Klutz and Her Cat

This story does not at all relate to any events associated with LOTR. I wrote this for the sheer fun of writing and because I can. Don't worry. I'm well aware of how wildly inaccurate this whole story is. I just wrote it for laughs. Enjoy.

Haldir sat at the table in his talan, reading and rereading the wrinkled parchment in his hand:

Haldir,

Your second-cousin three times removed from your mother's side is in desperate need of aid. Her remaining relatives normally take up residence in Mirkwood, but we are having trouble contacting them. Until they return, we request that you let her stay with you. She will not be in Lothlorien very long, only for a couple of weeks, but she will need help. She will be arriving towards the beginning of spring.

Sincerely,

Your beloved aunt

So, he was to house a distantly related youngling of whom he didn't know her background, family situation,age, or even name. This would sure be interesting. Not to mention she would be arriving any day now, for it was well into spring.

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Haldir watched apprehensively as the horses came into view. Which one was his second-cousin? All of a sudden, he spotted a short elleth, with shoulder-length nut brown hair, and tanned skin, holding a writhing gray cat in her arms. He hoped against hope that this wasn't her.

Unfortunately, it was.

" Hey Haldir!" She called, waving her hand wildly. Suddenly, her psychopathic cat jumped out of her arms. In an attempt to catch it, she reached out and ended up hitting her head on a tree branch and falling off of her horse. With a sigh of aggravation, Haldir walked over to help her to her feet. " Thanks," she said.

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While walking to Haldir's talan, Lauren, as she was called, told him of why she was here, her troubles in getting here, and her cat who's name was Shadow. She also tripped on a couple of steps, ran into a pillar, and fell flat on her face for no particular reason. By the time they reached their destination, she had a red spot on her forehead, bruises up and down her arms, and a splitting headache.

" Make yourself comfortable. I have some business to attend to, and I don't want to be disturbed," Haldir stated.

" Ok."

Haldir shut the door behind him, all the while thinking This is going to be a very long week.

Lauren, on the other hand, was thinking This is going to be so much fun! A whole two weeks in Lorien!

As Haldir was writing a letter to a fellow warden, and making plans to better protect Lothlorien's borders, he heard a loud crash from the adjoining room. Assuming the worst, he sprang up and raced to the door. Throwing it open, he spotted Lauren staring out of the window on the opposite side of the room. " Are you alright?" He demanded.

" I'm fine."

" Then what was the source of that loud noise."

" Oh, that," she grinned sheepishly, " I ran into a door. It's no big deal."

" You ran into a door?"

" Yes. I do that quite often."

" How could you possibly run into a door? There aren't any open."

" Oh don't worry, there are ways."

Though this possibility eluded him, he strode back to his room and slammed the door behind him. Unfortunately, he didn't notice Shadow sneaking in right behind him.

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Haldir proofread the letter to his fellow warden. He'd left out something, but what was it? Suddenly, it hit him. He forgot to mention the change in border duty. As he whipped out a clean piece of paper, he crumpled the other one up and threw it onto the floor. Instantly, something gray and fuzzy darted out and started chewing the paper and pawing at it. It was that stupid Valar-forsaken cat. Shadow rolled across the floor in an attempt to defeat the evil foe. This one was tougher than the others he'd encountered. He furiously gnawed at the paper and ripped it with his claws. In a span of about three minutes, the enemy had been defeated and spread in tiny pieces around the room.

Suddenly, Shadow spotted the leafy plants by the window. They were moving. Before Haldir could capture the rotten beast, Shadow had crashed into the table the plants were resting on in an attempt to defeat this new nemesis. The table toppled over and splintered into a million pieces. The plants on top of it fell off and crashed while Shadow looked on in triumph.

Haldir stormed over, grabbed Shadow by the scruff of his neck, and threw him out of the door to his room. Shadow landed with an ungraceful thud, spread prostrate on the floor.

" What did you do to him!" Lauren exclaimed. She raced over to her cat, picked it up and began petting it and telling it how mean Haldir was and how precious Shadow was.

" That blasted cat was ruining my room. Keep him out of my way or I'll kill the stupid vermin!"

" Be nice to him! He's just a kitten!"

" I don't care what he is, but he's going to be a lot smaller and in many more parts than a kitten if he doesn't behave!"

Lauren just rolled her eyes and continued stroking her cat. Well, that is, until it jumped out of her arms and disappeared under a chair.

Haldir let out a grievous groan and retreated back to his room.

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The next morning, Lauren sat up in her bed and leaned back to where the wall should be located. Unfortunately for her, she was farther forward on her bed than she thought and ended up slamming her head against the headboard. She tried to sit up and climb out of bed, but she had twisted around too much in her sleep last night, so she was tangled in her sheets and fell in a heap of blankets and clothes on the floor. After untangling herself, she stubbed her toe on the nightstand and crashed into the dresser.

Next, came the problems with dressing herself. First, she put her arm through the head opening in her dress. Next, she got lost in the dress and had to painfully pull it off. After finally getting dressed, her brush got stuck in her hair and it took fifteen minutes to pull it out. Eventually, she managed to become fully clothed and stumble out the door, which she ran into, and into the kitchen, where Haldir was sitting calmly eating a piece of toast.

" Is there something wrong?" He asked, " You look as if you've been through five hurricanes in a span of two minutes."

" I'm fine. Just had a few difficulties getting up, that's all." And she promptly ran into a chair, knocking the breath out of herself.

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The rest of the week was similar enough. Lauren ran into doors at least three times per day, tripped over nothing, and called Haldir Courtney, Matt, Abbey, Calvin, and Dad several times. Shadow ran into things almost as much as Lauren did, mistook Haldir for Lauren several times, and meowed for food right after he ate, and Haldir learned several important things during this week. For before, he had never known that people could run into doors more than two or three times a week, call another person by three names before finding the right one, or that a cat could be so incredibly stupid.

Haldir endured many sleepless nights that weekend. He was worried, more for himself and his talan than for Lauren, because he had to leave for the borders on Monday, which meant that Lauren and her demonic cat would be left to their own devices, in his talan, by themselves. He'd requested help from various people to supervise Lauren, but he also didn't think that any amount of supervision could protect Lauren from herself. So it was with a worried mind that he left for the borders, and the whole time he thinking of all the different things Lauren could possibly do to herself and his possessions in one week.

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The instant Haldir left, Lauren vowed to herself that she would try her hardest to prevent her cat and her lack of coordination to ruin his life. Of course, this vow was broken twenty seconds later when Shadow got stuck in a cupboard and Lauren ran into a door, again. Although, the rest of the day, she managed to not hurt herself, until night fell, and she burnt her finger and tongue trying to cook supper. While asleep, she fell off of her bed and, somehow, ended up with a huge blue and black bruise on the back of her hand and on her knee.

Being alone started getting to Lauren's mind. She became delusional and thought she saw pink two-headed llamas when really it was water. She began dreaming of bright green meadows filled with floating arrows, violet trees, and laughing wombats. She also started shouting out random phrases like, " Help me! I'm eating the table," " I'm an alpaca!" " Look! A cat! Let's eat it!" and " Sharp objects make me feel fluffy." All of those assigned to supervise her began avoiding her, and eventually gathered together to decide what to do about Haldir's psychopathic cousin. They decided to send her to Happy HillsSanitarium. It would be best for her, and they were sure that Haldir wouldn't mind. Therefore, they called in a psychiatric doctor, who immediately diagnosed Lauren with psychopathich schizaphrenia, and hauled her off to Happy Hills.

When Haldir arrived back home and discovered that Lauren was gone, he was filled with a deep sense of elation. Until, of course, his conscience reminded him of his duty and he went off to find her. After consulting his friends, he learned of her fate, rejoiced, talked to his friends, and celebrated with singing, dancing, and wine. He'd never been so happy in his life.

Meanwhile, Lauren was enjoying herself at Happy Hills Sanitarium. She made friends with almost everyone and soon became known by the doctors as the most high maintenance patient.

And the world rejoiced, and there was much celebration, and Lauren and Haldir continued to lead their separate lives as two happy individuals: One in his right mind and still completely aware of the world, and the other whose mind was nonexistent but she enjoyed life nonetheless.

THE END

I would like to thank my cousin Lauren and her cat Shadow for their wonderful inspiration. Love ya both!