July 1st

See the date?

It's the first of the month.

And we have no money, which means we are incapable of paying the electricity bill, the water bill, or the rent.

Benny, being the eternally sweet and compromising asshole that he is, decided that instead of evicting us this month, he would just shut off the electricity and hot water until we had enough money to pay the bills to keep them on. And then we could worry about the rent, he said. Said he was feeling "charitable".

Fucking prick.

So we've pretty much been living off of candles, and the occasional flashlight, but we can't afford batteries either so it's easier for us if we can just use candles and lighters…Roger has a million half-used lighters lying around the house, which makes having no electricity the slightest bit easier. That and the fact that Mark refuses to let Roger have the candles and lighters for fear he'll try to burn himself. Mark's being stupid. Everyone knows Roger is too vain to mar his perfect skin.

I figured that living without electricity for a while could be okay until I got out of the shower. My cold shower (I'm thanking God it's July and not December). I went to go blow dry my hair and tried to turn the blow dryer on and it didn't work. That's when it hit me. I am going to have huge, constantly wavy hair until the electricity comes on. And that isn't even the worst part. The worst part is that it's fucking JULY in the middle of fucking New York City and we live in a fucking loft on the top floor of an old building and heat rises and we have no electricity to make our fans work. We have a few of those fans that you can plug in and they blow a cool breeze around, but they don't work because they run on electricity. And that's a bitch because now the only thing we have to keep us cool is a shower, a place I've hated to be spending time recently. What I really want to do is to soak in a cold bath all day, but sitting down in the bathtub reminds me of April. I can't even be in the bathroom for too long yet because it's a constant reminder of what happened. And to add to that, the edge of the bathtub and on to the floor next to where her arm hung out there is a stain of crimson. Mark's tried everything he could to get it out and to no avail.

I'm starting to feel like I want to move, as much as I love this place. But with no electricity, a boyfriend who doesn't pay enough attention to me, and a bathroom in which one of my best friends ended her own life, I want desperately to just get out. But I can't. I have nowhere to go.

And I don't even know how long we're going to have to live like this. Mark doesn't seem to care, and Roger is completely unfazed. The loft could be collapsing in over his head and he'd still have the same look on his face. But I can't do it for much longer. I've considered my options. I could sleep with Benny, and maybe then he'd turn the electricity back on. The hot water isn't as much of a problem now as it could be in later months, so I'm more focused on this electricity issue. But Benny's engaged now and is in no position to sleep with me until his marriage is a little more secure. I could sleep with Mark and convince him to get a job so that we could pay the bills and Benny would turn the electricity back on, but that probably wouldn't work because Mark sleeps on a folding chair in Roger's room every night now, and would refuse to leave Roger by himself, even though I'd be here. So that kills two ideas.

I'd love to do some performing for cash but the place that I've been rehearsing my pieces at are letting me do everything free as long as they can have the money for admission, so that wouldn't work. And I could go and try to land a commercial or a record deal or a movie or something, but that could take a long time and we don't have a long time to wait here.

I considered writing to Collins and asking for money, but he'll just tell us to get jobs like we did. He wants us to learn how to live by ourselves. We can't depend on him financially anymore. It wasn't fair that we kinda did in the first place, but what else were we supposed to do? Starve?

Or we could sell all of the shit furniture in this place and see how much we make.

Ooh! Even better! We could sell Roger's guitar! He said he's never gonna play it again, so we might as well sell it…if it's not enough money for the electricity bill, we could at least get some groceries with it.

I'm gonna go ask Mark if we can do it. I'll even be the one to go sell it. I'm just so nice.

Later…

The guitar selling plan didn't go over too well. I asked Mark in front of Roger and shockingly, I saw Roger show some sort of emotion.

"You fucking bitch! Are you out of your fucking mind! I'm not fucking selling my guitar to get fucking electricity back for you just because you think you're the goddamn queen of everything!" he yelled at me.

"You don't have to be so melodramatic," I said before I left the room.

What makes me the angriest is that Roger didn't apologize, and Mark didn't apologize for Roger. At least that would've been something, but Mark just sat there and let Roger scream at me. I don't know what's happening to him, but I'm really fed up with Roger and the way he's been acting like a pity whore and monopolizing all of Mark's attention.

And it's fucking hot and Mark and I have to suffer, even if Roger doesn't care. And I can't do this anymore. This calls for something drastic, something I'm not completely willing to do, but, for my electricity back, I'm going to do it.

All I can say now is those boys better be pretty damn grateful when we don't have to light candles to see things anymore.