"It's Better Than Being Trampled By A Giraffe" by Redcandle17
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and elements from the Harry Potter series belong to J.K. Rowling. No copyright infringement is intended.
Sometimes Warrington believed he was cursed; that he was destined to be unhappy all his life. He mentally reviewed his childhood: parents who never spoke to each other, and who only saw him once a day, at dinner; house elves he was afraid of – they looked scary! – but who were the only creatures he had for company; a governess who smacked his fingers even when he did his work because she was mad at her husband.
He reached for another drink. His seven years at Hogwarts were slightly better, but ultimately it was worse because of the false glimmer of hope it had given him. Slytherins were hated by the rest of the Houses; he only made the Quidditch team his Fifth Year and then was beaten by Gryffindor – with their three girl chasers, which made it more humiliating; he hadn't been chosen Head Boy; he'd been hexed by brats when he'd only tried to do what the Headmistress wanted.
Warrington tried to push aside the urge to cry. His life was quite pathetic when he thought about it. Why hadn't he simply slit his throat long before now?
Of course, it had only gotten worse after Hogwarts. By day he lounged around in a Ministry office while his fellow, but less politically connected, interns threw him dirty looks as they made coffee. By night he stifled yawns behind his mask as he listened to the Dark Lord's ranting. Then Potter killed the Dark Lord, and Warrington had to spend more than half his family fortune to stay out of Azkaban.
Now there was this. He smoothed out the Ministry notice he'd crumpled earlier and stared at it. Apparently it was of uttermost importance to the future of the wizarding world that he marry Alicia Spinnet within the month and fuck her no less than three times a week.
Sometimes it was hard to believe that there really wasn't a conspiracy to make him miserable. Surely Merlin and Circe had better things to do in the afterlife than torment one wizard.
"I hope you're not an alcoholic," a sharp voice said.
Warrington glared at Spinnet. "You're part of the conspiracy," he muttered.
"Believe me, I'd rather marry Filch."
"Really?"
"Well, no," she admitted.
"You're going to nag me, aren't you?" Warrington asked abruptly, reaching for the bottle of firewhiskey.
"Huh?"
"And you're going to decorate my house in tasteless Gryffindor colors. There'll probably be Weasleys hanging around, too."
Spinnet laughed.
Warrington scowled at her, and decided not to offer her a drink, which he'd been about to do because he was polite. Gryffindors had no manners. Their children would be absolute brats.
"I'm the one being made into a broodmare. If anyone's entitled to self-pity, it's me."
She did have a point about the broodmare thing. Warrington generously offered her his own glass of firewhiskey.
"No, thank you. I'm considering leaving the country, but my friends are all either married or happy with their assigned spouses-to-be, and my parents like it here. I'm still weighing what's worse: marrying you, or living alone in a foreign country."
Why hadn't he thought of that? "You're brilliant, Spinnet! That's a great idea." He thought about for a while. "Though with my luck, I'd be trampled by a giraffe. Or the Leaning Tower of Pisa would fall on me."
Spinnet stared at him, wide-eyed. "He seemed sane if nothing else," she murmured.
"You don't snore, do you? But I suppose we'll have separate rooms, so it won't matter."
"You probably won't remember this tomorrow, but I was looking for you for a reason. If I decide to stay in Britain, I want us to sign a contract before the wedding. You know, agree to…"
"It'd be better if you stayed. If you leave, I'll probably end up with Millicent Bulstrode or Eloise Midgen."
"So I'd be doing you a favor. What do I get in return?"
"I'll pay you."
"I'll have access to your money anyway once we're married."
"I don't have anything else," Warrington said sadly.
"I'll accept an I.O.U."
"So you'll do it?"
"I'm beginning to think it won't be that bad." Spinnet smiled at him.
Warrington began to feel a little more optimistic. Apparently Spinnet planned to marry him and poison him later. He hoped it'd be a fast-acting poison. Things were looking up.
End (723 words)