Title: What I Need
Author: Ana Kudou
Rating: NC17 for later chapters
Disclaimer: Not mine! Mwahaha!
What I Need 1/?
***
It's been a little under a year since Harry and I had our all too brief fling. The school year ended, the summer dragged by, and I found myself wishing that the students would return. Don't ask me why, I generally find them annoying as a whole. But I can't help wanting to see him again. It's been a year. I shouldn't still want him so much, should I?
I shake my head, trying to concentrate on the potion I'm currently working on. This next year is already promising to be hell, since Dumbledore hired Sirius Black as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Remus Lupin came with him; no surprise there. I swear those two have been attached at the hip since Black was pardoned. I've been hiding out in my dungeons since the day he arrived. I have no intention of talking to him if I can avoid it. He seems utterly furious with me for some reason.
My stomach makes a loud growling noise, and I glower at it. I suppose I should risk running into him and try to get a little food. I make my way to the Great Hall without incident and pull up a chair at the end of the staff table. As soon as I sit down, I lose my appetite. With a soft sigh, I try to eat anyway. It's been like this all summer. Nothing I do seems to satisfy me anymore. I can't even work without losing my concentration. As I sit there, picking at my food, a shadow falls over me. Fearing the worst, I glance up, and am quite relieved to see Dumbledore.
"Not hungry, Severus?" He asks gently.
"Not really," I say. No, I'm not hungry. I haven't been. I must look like hell, I think wryly. Not sleeping, not eating. It's a wonder I haven't faded away into nothing.
He sits down beside me, giving me a worried look. "You haven't been yourself lately. You've gotten thinner, and I doubt you're sleeping. What's wrong?"
I shake my head, not wanting to get into it. How would I explain that I miss a student I should never have been involved with anyway to my boss? It'd cost me my job.
He sighs. "I don't believe you, but I see that you're not going to tell me."
I nod and he leaves me to my thoughts. Suddenly I don't want to be there, up in the light and warmth of the Great Hall. Gathering my robes around me, I stand, making my way back down to the cool quietness of my dungeons. I miss him, I admit. I miss Harry. I keep waiting for the ache to go away, but it never does. So many little things remind me of him, though I try not to think about it.
As I try to go back to work, I begin to get lost in the intricacies of what I'm doing. So the knock at my door startles me way out of proportion and I stifle a squeak. That would be highly undignified.
"What?" I snap.
Dumbledore opens the door with a rather upset looking Sirius behind him. The headmaster smiles at both of us. "I think it's time you two cleared up whatever's between you. And maybe, Severus, he can help with whatever is bothering you."
I doubt that, I think to myself, but I mutter and follow Dumbledore as he leads the two of us to a little used room.
"Your wands please," he says to us.
Sighing I hand over my wand, noticing Black doing the same. The headmaster gives us both a sweet smile and promptly locks us in the room. "I'll be back in a few hours."
I turn, scowling at my unwanted room mate. He's looking at me with an expression of anger and distaste.
"Well this is just great," he growls.
"You think I'm happy about this?" I stalk over to a couch and throw myself into a corner, sulking.
He looks at me with narrowed eyes. "If he hadn't taken our wands away, I would pay you back for what you did to Harry."
I blink, that catching me by surprise. I hadn't realized that Harry had told him about us. "What would you know about it?" I snarl, feeling the ache come back tenfold.
"He's my godson, you slimy git! Of course he told me!" He paces in front of me, anger radiating off of him. "You used him, then dropped him. Didn't you think at all?" He gives me a look of pure disgust. "I thought you were a little better than this. Looks like I was wrong."
I scowl at him. "I still hold that you know nothing about the situation," I bite out, really wishing I could just turn him into a frog or something. I'm running short of frog livers.
"No? Try this. You slept with him. You, God knows how, got him to fall in love with you, then broke his heart and hurt him badly. How's that?" He stops pacing to glare at me.
I feel my scowl deepening, though part of what he said surprised me. I knew that Harry had thought he was in love with me, but I chalked it up to hormones and infatuation. If Black thinks that he really was.I stop that train of thought, not wanting to go down that path. His feelings weren't an issue anymore. He'd probably already found someone new, someone better. Abruptly my anger at my current situation drains away, replaced by the ache and depression I've been in all summer. A wave of loneliness and exhaustion sweeps over at me, and at that point, I don't care that this is Sirius Black I'm locked in a room with. Nothing matters anymore.
"Would you rather I had kept him?" I ask wearily, looking down at my hands. "Kept him chained to me? He's young, wonderful.he deserves better than I can give him." I fold my hands neatly, slumping against the couch.
"Are you saying you hurt him on purpose?" I can't see his expression, but there's a dangerous tone to his voice.
"Yes," I say simply.
I wasn't expecting the punch to my jaw. It hurts like hell, but I can't find the energy to care. I rub at the sore spot gently, sighing softly. I realized after I hurt him, after I let him go, that I needed him far more than I wanted to think. And instead of dissipating over time, the feelings of need and want just grew stronger. It's been almost a year, and I still miss him, still lay in bed thinking of him and wishing he were there in my arms. As I bring my attention back to the current situation, I realize that Sirius is standing near me, apparently waiting for me to react. I look up at him, all masks gone at this point, my exhaustion and loneliness showing clearly on my face.
He looks at me for a long moment, the expression on his face unreadable. Finally he frowns a little, still looking down at me, searching for something. "My God," he says softly. "You were in love with him, weren't you."
It's not a question, but I don't know the answer to it. I shrug. "I don't know."
"How can you not know?" He sounds exasperated.
Because I don't know what love is? It's hardly as if I was close enough to anyone to really love them. James.I've realized lately that I wasn't in love with him. I wanted his attention, and I was certainly attracted to him, but it wasn't love. I don't think. When he hurt me, when I realized that I meant nothing more to him than I meant to any of the Marauders, the hurt turned to loneliness, depression, and a bitter anger relatively quickly. It didn't linger, like this feeling I have for Harry. I shake my head when I realize that he's still standing there waiting for an answer.
He's silent, watching me. "Haven't you ever been in love?" He asks quietly.
I give a derisive snort. "Think, Black. Who in their right mind would get close to me? Even when I was in Hogwarts, I had no close friends. Who on earth would I have fallen in love with?" A bit of self loathing and bitterness leaks through in my voice, though I try to hide it from him.
"But you know what love is. I mean, you've felt it, right?"
Bloody idiot, I think, irritated by the question. "Why is this any of your business?"
He's staring at me. "But..Your parents. They must have-"
"My mother died when I was born. My father considered me a nuisance." Irritation is coloring my voice, and I make no effort to hide that from him.
There is a long silence following that remark. He's quiet, watching me seriously. I suppose he's confused. It's not like he had any lack of loves, male or female. I get more irritated, though mostly with myself, as I realize that I'm sitting here talking to Black about my past.
"I hardly see how this is any of your business," I snap at him. "What happened, happened, and now it's over. Your precious godson is safe from my advances."
He doesn't respond, and I look up, seeing him watching me with a strange expression on his face. The thought that it might be pity makes me livid.
"Do not pity me," I growl, irritated out of all proportion by his continued existence.
"Does it hurt, not having him here?" His question is so quiet, I almost miss it. He managed to surprise me again, I realize.
I surprise myself further by actually answering his question. "Yes. Not that it's any of your business," I add sharply.
He sits beside me on the couch, no longer radiating anger like he was. "No wonder you're such a bitter loner."
"Oh, thanks!" I say acerbically.
He looks over at me oddly. "Aren't you lonely?"
"Why would you care?" It comes out more sharply and bitterly than I intended, but I don't take it back.
He shrugs. "I suppose.I just remembered how you used to follow us around all the time. Well, until that prank with Moony."
I snort. Prank my ass. But I keep it to myself, not wanting to start another deep discussion with him.
"Why'd you stop following us?"
I shake my head, not wanting to get into it.
"Come on."
"No."
"It'll help us get along better," he wheedles, trying to pry it out of me.
"You're insane." First he wants to kill me, now he wants to talk about why I have no friends? Certifiably insane. I put my head in my hands, feeling a headache coming on. The time is passing way too slowly.
I feel him watching me and refuse to look up at him. So I get yet another surprise when I feel his hand on my shoulder. I jerk my head up to look at him in shock. He's touching me?
"Severus, can we put the past behind us? With Voldemort on the rise we can't afford to fight amongst ourselves."
I blink at him. Apparently there is something in that head of his besides fluff. "No, I suppose we can't. Though I have no wish to be your friend. It's far too late for that, Black."
"Sirius."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Sirius. It's my name?"
"I know that, idiot."
"You could use it."
"I could."
Silence takes over for a little while, and I find my thoughts drifting back to Harry. I like the silence. I can pretend that his annoying godfather isn't really here.
"You love him," he says, interrupting my thoughts.
I growl in irritation. "Drop it."
"No. I want to understand this. Harry is my responsibility, and you hurt him. I want to know why."
I scowl at him. "It had to end."
"Why did it start in the first place?"
I hesitate. Telling him about James and my wish for revenge is probably a very bad idea.
He scowls at me. "I'm being good about this, you know. I haven't told Dumbledore and I don't intend to. I just want to understand."
"I don't feel like airing anymore of my past problems with you, thank you," I snap at him.
"What does your past have anything to do with this?" He's frowning at me again.
I sigh. And without my saying a thing he figures it out. I really shouldn't have underestimated his intelligence, but he always did act like a fluff head.
"You like James, didn't you," He says, staring at me as though I'd grown a second head. "You saw him in Harry and you-"
"Lost control," I finish for him, looking away.
"Did you love James? Is that why you stopped following us?"
I turn an exasperated look on him. Maybe I didn't underestimate his intelligence. He still has no short term memory.
He holds up a hand. "Did you think you loved him?"
I roll my eyes. "How does this have anything to do with the topic in question?"
"You did." His eyes narrow dangerously. "And he hurt you, so you wanted to hurt Harry, isn't that right?"
I sigh. "Yes."
For a moment I think he's going to hit me again, but he gets himself under control, thinking about it. "What changed, then?" "Hurting him hurt." I look away, not wanting to look at him.
"You really are a mess aren't you," he comments.
I shoot him a venomous look.
He shrugs, looking up as Dumbledore comes back. "Figure out your feelings, Snape. And when you do, come talk to me."
"I don't think so," I mutter as he leaves.
Dumbledore is watching me. "Can you work with him?" he asks finally.
I sigh. "Yes."
He nods. "Good." And then I am left alone with my thoughts and my hurting heart. Strange how losing someone makes you realize how much you needed them.
What I Need 1/?
***
It's been a little under a year since Harry and I had our all too brief fling. The school year ended, the summer dragged by, and I found myself wishing that the students would return. Don't ask me why, I generally find them annoying as a whole. But I can't help wanting to see him again. It's been a year. I shouldn't still want him so much, should I?
I shake my head, trying to concentrate on the potion I'm currently working on. This next year is already promising to be hell, since Dumbledore hired Sirius Black as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Remus Lupin came with him; no surprise there. I swear those two have been attached at the hip since Black was pardoned. I've been hiding out in my dungeons since the day he arrived. I have no intention of talking to him if I can avoid it. He seems utterly furious with me for some reason.
My stomach makes a loud growling noise, and I glower at it. I suppose I should risk running into him and try to get a little food. I make my way to the Great Hall without incident and pull up a chair at the end of the staff table. As soon as I sit down, I lose my appetite. With a soft sigh, I try to eat anyway. It's been like this all summer. Nothing I do seems to satisfy me anymore. I can't even work without losing my concentration. As I sit there, picking at my food, a shadow falls over me. Fearing the worst, I glance up, and am quite relieved to see Dumbledore.
"Not hungry, Severus?" He asks gently.
"Not really," I say. No, I'm not hungry. I haven't been. I must look like hell, I think wryly. Not sleeping, not eating. It's a wonder I haven't faded away into nothing.
He sits down beside me, giving me a worried look. "You haven't been yourself lately. You've gotten thinner, and I doubt you're sleeping. What's wrong?"
I shake my head, not wanting to get into it. How would I explain that I miss a student I should never have been involved with anyway to my boss? It'd cost me my job.
He sighs. "I don't believe you, but I see that you're not going to tell me."
I nod and he leaves me to my thoughts. Suddenly I don't want to be there, up in the light and warmth of the Great Hall. Gathering my robes around me, I stand, making my way back down to the cool quietness of my dungeons. I miss him, I admit. I miss Harry. I keep waiting for the ache to go away, but it never does. So many little things remind me of him, though I try not to think about it.
As I try to go back to work, I begin to get lost in the intricacies of what I'm doing. So the knock at my door startles me way out of proportion and I stifle a squeak. That would be highly undignified.
"What?" I snap.
Dumbledore opens the door with a rather upset looking Sirius behind him. The headmaster smiles at both of us. "I think it's time you two cleared up whatever's between you. And maybe, Severus, he can help with whatever is bothering you."
I doubt that, I think to myself, but I mutter and follow Dumbledore as he leads the two of us to a little used room.
"Your wands please," he says to us.
Sighing I hand over my wand, noticing Black doing the same. The headmaster gives us both a sweet smile and promptly locks us in the room. "I'll be back in a few hours."
I turn, scowling at my unwanted room mate. He's looking at me with an expression of anger and distaste.
"Well this is just great," he growls.
"You think I'm happy about this?" I stalk over to a couch and throw myself into a corner, sulking.
He looks at me with narrowed eyes. "If he hadn't taken our wands away, I would pay you back for what you did to Harry."
I blink, that catching me by surprise. I hadn't realized that Harry had told him about us. "What would you know about it?" I snarl, feeling the ache come back tenfold.
"He's my godson, you slimy git! Of course he told me!" He paces in front of me, anger radiating off of him. "You used him, then dropped him. Didn't you think at all?" He gives me a look of pure disgust. "I thought you were a little better than this. Looks like I was wrong."
I scowl at him. "I still hold that you know nothing about the situation," I bite out, really wishing I could just turn him into a frog or something. I'm running short of frog livers.
"No? Try this. You slept with him. You, God knows how, got him to fall in love with you, then broke his heart and hurt him badly. How's that?" He stops pacing to glare at me.
I feel my scowl deepening, though part of what he said surprised me. I knew that Harry had thought he was in love with me, but I chalked it up to hormones and infatuation. If Black thinks that he really was.I stop that train of thought, not wanting to go down that path. His feelings weren't an issue anymore. He'd probably already found someone new, someone better. Abruptly my anger at my current situation drains away, replaced by the ache and depression I've been in all summer. A wave of loneliness and exhaustion sweeps over at me, and at that point, I don't care that this is Sirius Black I'm locked in a room with. Nothing matters anymore.
"Would you rather I had kept him?" I ask wearily, looking down at my hands. "Kept him chained to me? He's young, wonderful.he deserves better than I can give him." I fold my hands neatly, slumping against the couch.
"Are you saying you hurt him on purpose?" I can't see his expression, but there's a dangerous tone to his voice.
"Yes," I say simply.
I wasn't expecting the punch to my jaw. It hurts like hell, but I can't find the energy to care. I rub at the sore spot gently, sighing softly. I realized after I hurt him, after I let him go, that I needed him far more than I wanted to think. And instead of dissipating over time, the feelings of need and want just grew stronger. It's been almost a year, and I still miss him, still lay in bed thinking of him and wishing he were there in my arms. As I bring my attention back to the current situation, I realize that Sirius is standing near me, apparently waiting for me to react. I look up at him, all masks gone at this point, my exhaustion and loneliness showing clearly on my face.
He looks at me for a long moment, the expression on his face unreadable. Finally he frowns a little, still looking down at me, searching for something. "My God," he says softly. "You were in love with him, weren't you."
It's not a question, but I don't know the answer to it. I shrug. "I don't know."
"How can you not know?" He sounds exasperated.
Because I don't know what love is? It's hardly as if I was close enough to anyone to really love them. James.I've realized lately that I wasn't in love with him. I wanted his attention, and I was certainly attracted to him, but it wasn't love. I don't think. When he hurt me, when I realized that I meant nothing more to him than I meant to any of the Marauders, the hurt turned to loneliness, depression, and a bitter anger relatively quickly. It didn't linger, like this feeling I have for Harry. I shake my head when I realize that he's still standing there waiting for an answer.
He's silent, watching me. "Haven't you ever been in love?" He asks quietly.
I give a derisive snort. "Think, Black. Who in their right mind would get close to me? Even when I was in Hogwarts, I had no close friends. Who on earth would I have fallen in love with?" A bit of self loathing and bitterness leaks through in my voice, though I try to hide it from him.
"But you know what love is. I mean, you've felt it, right?"
Bloody idiot, I think, irritated by the question. "Why is this any of your business?"
He's staring at me. "But..Your parents. They must have-"
"My mother died when I was born. My father considered me a nuisance." Irritation is coloring my voice, and I make no effort to hide that from him.
There is a long silence following that remark. He's quiet, watching me seriously. I suppose he's confused. It's not like he had any lack of loves, male or female. I get more irritated, though mostly with myself, as I realize that I'm sitting here talking to Black about my past.
"I hardly see how this is any of your business," I snap at him. "What happened, happened, and now it's over. Your precious godson is safe from my advances."
He doesn't respond, and I look up, seeing him watching me with a strange expression on his face. The thought that it might be pity makes me livid.
"Do not pity me," I growl, irritated out of all proportion by his continued existence.
"Does it hurt, not having him here?" His question is so quiet, I almost miss it. He managed to surprise me again, I realize.
I surprise myself further by actually answering his question. "Yes. Not that it's any of your business," I add sharply.
He sits beside me on the couch, no longer radiating anger like he was. "No wonder you're such a bitter loner."
"Oh, thanks!" I say acerbically.
He looks over at me oddly. "Aren't you lonely?"
"Why would you care?" It comes out more sharply and bitterly than I intended, but I don't take it back.
He shrugs. "I suppose.I just remembered how you used to follow us around all the time. Well, until that prank with Moony."
I snort. Prank my ass. But I keep it to myself, not wanting to start another deep discussion with him.
"Why'd you stop following us?"
I shake my head, not wanting to get into it.
"Come on."
"No."
"It'll help us get along better," he wheedles, trying to pry it out of me.
"You're insane." First he wants to kill me, now he wants to talk about why I have no friends? Certifiably insane. I put my head in my hands, feeling a headache coming on. The time is passing way too slowly.
I feel him watching me and refuse to look up at him. So I get yet another surprise when I feel his hand on my shoulder. I jerk my head up to look at him in shock. He's touching me?
"Severus, can we put the past behind us? With Voldemort on the rise we can't afford to fight amongst ourselves."
I blink at him. Apparently there is something in that head of his besides fluff. "No, I suppose we can't. Though I have no wish to be your friend. It's far too late for that, Black."
"Sirius."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Sirius. It's my name?"
"I know that, idiot."
"You could use it."
"I could."
Silence takes over for a little while, and I find my thoughts drifting back to Harry. I like the silence. I can pretend that his annoying godfather isn't really here.
"You love him," he says, interrupting my thoughts.
I growl in irritation. "Drop it."
"No. I want to understand this. Harry is my responsibility, and you hurt him. I want to know why."
I scowl at him. "It had to end."
"Why did it start in the first place?"
I hesitate. Telling him about James and my wish for revenge is probably a very bad idea.
He scowls at me. "I'm being good about this, you know. I haven't told Dumbledore and I don't intend to. I just want to understand."
"I don't feel like airing anymore of my past problems with you, thank you," I snap at him.
"What does your past have anything to do with this?" He's frowning at me again.
I sigh. And without my saying a thing he figures it out. I really shouldn't have underestimated his intelligence, but he always did act like a fluff head.
"You like James, didn't you," He says, staring at me as though I'd grown a second head. "You saw him in Harry and you-"
"Lost control," I finish for him, looking away.
"Did you love James? Is that why you stopped following us?"
I turn an exasperated look on him. Maybe I didn't underestimate his intelligence. He still has no short term memory.
He holds up a hand. "Did you think you loved him?"
I roll my eyes. "How does this have anything to do with the topic in question?"
"You did." His eyes narrow dangerously. "And he hurt you, so you wanted to hurt Harry, isn't that right?"
I sigh. "Yes."
For a moment I think he's going to hit me again, but he gets himself under control, thinking about it. "What changed, then?" "Hurting him hurt." I look away, not wanting to look at him.
"You really are a mess aren't you," he comments.
I shoot him a venomous look.
He shrugs, looking up as Dumbledore comes back. "Figure out your feelings, Snape. And when you do, come talk to me."
"I don't think so," I mutter as he leaves.
Dumbledore is watching me. "Can you work with him?" he asks finally.
I sigh. "Yes."
He nods. "Good." And then I am left alone with my thoughts and my hurting heart. Strange how losing someone makes you realize how much you needed them.