What I Need 2/?
Tonight is the beginning of a new term. I find myself fussing around my room anxiously before the feast and mentally berate myself. I can't believe I'm so nervous about seeing him again. I sweep out of my rooms, attempting to push him from my mind, and head for the Great Hall, irritated. That stupid conversation with Black didn't help at all.
I slip into my seat, early, watching the older students filter in, laughing and talking. A flash of red catches my eyes and I search it out. Suddenly I find him, laughing with that friend of his, Ron Weasley. He grew over the summer, I realize, finding my gaze trapped by the way he moves, really wishing he wasn't in his robes. He's taller, a little, and a bit broader through the shoulders, though I doubt he'll ever be anything but slender. I itch to pull him close, find all the differences in him with my finger tips and lips, run my hands through his hair, and I fold my hands in my lap, tearing my eyes away from him. He's too beautiful for words, and I am confused that I still feel this way about him. I glance back up, just in time to see that Weasley boy put his hand on Harry's arm. Harry looks up at him and smiles, that sweet smile I've seen so often in the privacy of my rooms. My heart skips a beat as I realize that they could be more than friends.
As I watch, Ron runs his fingers up Harry's arm lightly, and Harry leans close to whisper something in his ear that makes him blush. I feel a flash of pain, physical and imagined, and realize that I've sunk my nails into my palms. They are together, I can see it in the way they act. I'm jealous, I realize, horribly jealous. I should be happy for him, but I'm not. He's finally found someone, and I want to take him away, take him back. I turn my attention to my empty plate as his head turns in my direction. It's better this way, it's better this way, I repeat to myself over and over, the mantra that has kept me going through the summer.
"Hurting?" Black sits beside me, face unreadable.
I scowl and look up at him. "What would you care?" I snap crossly.
He gives me a half smile and I realize he knew all along about Harry and Ron, knew they were together, and didn't tell me.
"Bastard," I snarl at him softly.
"Why? For not telling you? I hardly see how it would have made any difference. He's over you, he's found someone new." He shrugs. "They're happy."
I swallow, feeling nauseous. "I see," I manage to choke out, looking away from him to see Ron and Harry laughing together, heads close.
"Let him be happy," Sirius growls at me. "He deserves it."
"I know," I say quietly. Abruptly I stand, not wanting to stay there any longer, and sweep out of the hall. Watching them is more than I can stand. I feel ill and confused, and just want to be alone.
Which is why I passed him without noticing, until his soft voice called out.
"Severus?"
I turn to see Remus Lupin standing in the shadows, watching me worriedly. He knew too, I realize and curse myself for not figuring that out sooner. What one knows, the other will.
"Are you all right?" He asks quietly.
I shake my head, angry, hurt, and wanting him to go away. I can't hide this in anymore, it's cracking my mask. I won't let him see, I won't. I start to move again, wanting to get away from him, to scream, to cry, or just sit and think. I've never been this helpless against my feelings before, never been so unable to control them. The soft touch on my shoulder scares me and I jump.
"Severus.I don't believe you." It's his hand on my shoulder, and he doesn't want to leave. Why won't he leave?
"Leave him be, Remus," Black drawls from down the hall. "It's nothing compared to what he did to Harry."
I was not forgiven then, I see. I shouldn't have told him anything.
"Sirius," Lupin's voice is soft and rebuking. "Don't be cruel." Black snorts, but Lupin's hand doesn't leave my shoulder. "No one deserves to hurt like this. Go back to the feast if you can't be nice."
They're actually fighting, I realize, and I wonder if this is the first time they've fought about this. It doesn't seem like it.
"I see." Black's voice is cold and angry. "Fine. Stay with him then, Moony." He turns in a swish of robes and leaves, stalking away.
Lupin steers me towards a nearby room, which turns out to be a simple conference room. "Want to talk about it?" His voice is gentle as he guides me to a chair.
No! I want to scream. I just want to be left alone! But all I can do is mutely shake my head, confused and lost.
He sighs softly. "I told him he should have told you, written to you or something, but he wouldn't hear of it. He made me promise not to." He sounds apologetic, and it makes me annoyed. Annoyed is good. Annoyed is normal.
"You could have owled me anyway," I snap. "But wait, no, you wouldn't have." I feel a sneer on my face. "It's not like I matter to you anyway. You or Black." Or apparently Harry, my mind fills in, and I fight back a surge of nausea at the thought.
He winces. "Severus, just because we weren't friends before doesn't mean-"
"Oh? Doesn't it? And just what has changed?" I glare at him.
He looks down, uncomfortable. Good, I think maliciously, hoping he'll just leave. I don't want him here. His sympathy is too much, too close to making me break down completely. I don't need it, and I don't want it.
"I don't want to fight with you, Severus. I...I had hoped we could be friends."
"You hoped wrong. I will work with you because I must, same as with Black, but we are not friends, Lupin. So will you kindly leave me in peace?" Let me be so I can finally let this go?
He looks hurt, but I don't care. "Fine, if you insist," he says quietly. "But keep it in mind, okay? I..I'd like to have someone to talk to as well." He stands and leaves, closing the door quietly and leaving me to my thoughts.
The pain I'm in confuses me, and I press a hand against my chest, finding it hard to breath. "Harry," I say quietly, and that does it. Something inside breaks, the monster running free, and a hot tear rolls down my face. I knew I felt something for him, but I didn't realize it was this strong. Seeing him with Ron was like a blow to my very core. I bury my head in my hands, the hot tears continuing to fall, silently, as I huddle in the chair. God, I love him. I know that now. I love him, and I hurt him and let him go. Too late I know how I feel. Now he's not mine to love.
Tonight is the beginning of a new term. I find myself fussing around my room anxiously before the feast and mentally berate myself. I can't believe I'm so nervous about seeing him again. I sweep out of my rooms, attempting to push him from my mind, and head for the Great Hall, irritated. That stupid conversation with Black didn't help at all.
I slip into my seat, early, watching the older students filter in, laughing and talking. A flash of red catches my eyes and I search it out. Suddenly I find him, laughing with that friend of his, Ron Weasley. He grew over the summer, I realize, finding my gaze trapped by the way he moves, really wishing he wasn't in his robes. He's taller, a little, and a bit broader through the shoulders, though I doubt he'll ever be anything but slender. I itch to pull him close, find all the differences in him with my finger tips and lips, run my hands through his hair, and I fold my hands in my lap, tearing my eyes away from him. He's too beautiful for words, and I am confused that I still feel this way about him. I glance back up, just in time to see that Weasley boy put his hand on Harry's arm. Harry looks up at him and smiles, that sweet smile I've seen so often in the privacy of my rooms. My heart skips a beat as I realize that they could be more than friends.
As I watch, Ron runs his fingers up Harry's arm lightly, and Harry leans close to whisper something in his ear that makes him blush. I feel a flash of pain, physical and imagined, and realize that I've sunk my nails into my palms. They are together, I can see it in the way they act. I'm jealous, I realize, horribly jealous. I should be happy for him, but I'm not. He's finally found someone, and I want to take him away, take him back. I turn my attention to my empty plate as his head turns in my direction. It's better this way, it's better this way, I repeat to myself over and over, the mantra that has kept me going through the summer.
"Hurting?" Black sits beside me, face unreadable.
I scowl and look up at him. "What would you care?" I snap crossly.
He gives me a half smile and I realize he knew all along about Harry and Ron, knew they were together, and didn't tell me.
"Bastard," I snarl at him softly.
"Why? For not telling you? I hardly see how it would have made any difference. He's over you, he's found someone new." He shrugs. "They're happy."
I swallow, feeling nauseous. "I see," I manage to choke out, looking away from him to see Ron and Harry laughing together, heads close.
"Let him be happy," Sirius growls at me. "He deserves it."
"I know," I say quietly. Abruptly I stand, not wanting to stay there any longer, and sweep out of the hall. Watching them is more than I can stand. I feel ill and confused, and just want to be alone.
Which is why I passed him without noticing, until his soft voice called out.
"Severus?"
I turn to see Remus Lupin standing in the shadows, watching me worriedly. He knew too, I realize and curse myself for not figuring that out sooner. What one knows, the other will.
"Are you all right?" He asks quietly.
I shake my head, angry, hurt, and wanting him to go away. I can't hide this in anymore, it's cracking my mask. I won't let him see, I won't. I start to move again, wanting to get away from him, to scream, to cry, or just sit and think. I've never been this helpless against my feelings before, never been so unable to control them. The soft touch on my shoulder scares me and I jump.
"Severus.I don't believe you." It's his hand on my shoulder, and he doesn't want to leave. Why won't he leave?
"Leave him be, Remus," Black drawls from down the hall. "It's nothing compared to what he did to Harry."
I was not forgiven then, I see. I shouldn't have told him anything.
"Sirius," Lupin's voice is soft and rebuking. "Don't be cruel." Black snorts, but Lupin's hand doesn't leave my shoulder. "No one deserves to hurt like this. Go back to the feast if you can't be nice."
They're actually fighting, I realize, and I wonder if this is the first time they've fought about this. It doesn't seem like it.
"I see." Black's voice is cold and angry. "Fine. Stay with him then, Moony." He turns in a swish of robes and leaves, stalking away.
Lupin steers me towards a nearby room, which turns out to be a simple conference room. "Want to talk about it?" His voice is gentle as he guides me to a chair.
No! I want to scream. I just want to be left alone! But all I can do is mutely shake my head, confused and lost.
He sighs softly. "I told him he should have told you, written to you or something, but he wouldn't hear of it. He made me promise not to." He sounds apologetic, and it makes me annoyed. Annoyed is good. Annoyed is normal.
"You could have owled me anyway," I snap. "But wait, no, you wouldn't have." I feel a sneer on my face. "It's not like I matter to you anyway. You or Black." Or apparently Harry, my mind fills in, and I fight back a surge of nausea at the thought.
He winces. "Severus, just because we weren't friends before doesn't mean-"
"Oh? Doesn't it? And just what has changed?" I glare at him.
He looks down, uncomfortable. Good, I think maliciously, hoping he'll just leave. I don't want him here. His sympathy is too much, too close to making me break down completely. I don't need it, and I don't want it.
"I don't want to fight with you, Severus. I...I had hoped we could be friends."
"You hoped wrong. I will work with you because I must, same as with Black, but we are not friends, Lupin. So will you kindly leave me in peace?" Let me be so I can finally let this go?
He looks hurt, but I don't care. "Fine, if you insist," he says quietly. "But keep it in mind, okay? I..I'd like to have someone to talk to as well." He stands and leaves, closing the door quietly and leaving me to my thoughts.
The pain I'm in confuses me, and I press a hand against my chest, finding it hard to breath. "Harry," I say quietly, and that does it. Something inside breaks, the monster running free, and a hot tear rolls down my face. I knew I felt something for him, but I didn't realize it was this strong. Seeing him with Ron was like a blow to my very core. I bury my head in my hands, the hot tears continuing to fall, silently, as I huddle in the chair. God, I love him. I know that now. I love him, and I hurt him and let him go. Too late I know how I feel. Now he's not mine to love.