What I Need 3?
Seeing him in class the next day is like exquisite torture. Everything is irritating me, intruding on my pain and loneliness. The students watch me warily, trying not to be the one I notice making a mistake, and I'm aware that I'm not in control, but I can't help it. He never looks at me, not if he can help it. His eyes are either on his homework, or on Ron Weasley.
I snap out instructions as the class drags on, my head pounding and the all too familiar nausea settling under my ribs. Time seems to have slowed down at this moment, dragging my agony on forever until at last the class ends and the students scramble to be the first one out.
He pauses in the doorway, last, and looks at me. I find myself trapped in his gaze, soul laid open for him to see. He gives me a little smile, half sad, half hopeful, then slips away, leaving me alone and confused. I can't stand being without him. But that last look, what did it mean? I shake my head and slump in my chair, rubbing at my pounding temples.
Over the next few days I slide into a strange routine. Get up, teach, then retreat to my rooms to grade homework, or stare morosely at the pages of a book, trying to find the concentration to study. I can't eat, so there's no point in torturing myself with attending meals and possibly seeing him, so I avoid the Great Hall. Tonight's the first Quidditch game: Slythering versus Gryffindor, and I can't bring myself to go. Some head of house I am. I can't even cheer for my own team because- I stop that train of thought before it gets too far. Instead of going, I curl up in a worn chair, trying to read.
Sometime later, I'm startled out of my thoughts by a soft knock at my door.
"It's open," I say, turning to look. It couldn't be him, could it?
Remus Lupin slips in, and I sigh, my headache coming back. Of course not. "Severus?" He's watching me warily. "People have noticed, you know." He shuts the door, leaning against it. "You haven't been eating, your students are terrified of you, and from the looks of it, you haven't been sleeping either."
I scowl at him, wishing he would just go away. I don't need him here. I don't want him here. He makes me feel off balanced, and I always seem to lose control of my emotions when he's around. "What do you want, Lupin?"
"I want you to tell me what's wrong. Admit it."
I lean back in my chair, the words coming out before I can stop them. "Admit I love him? Admit that seeing him causes me pain? Admit that I can't live without him? Fine," I snap. "Now leave me alone."
He gives me a shocked look. Somehow, I don't think he expected me to answer. I surprised myself, actually. It feels better, getting it off my chest, but not much. It still hurts.
He crosses to where I am, and sits on the footstool in front of me. "Severus," he says quietly. "You know you love him?"
I sigh and look down at him. "Yes, Lupin. Your idiot of a boyfriend gave me a talking to and made me realize how I feel. I know how I feel. I love him." I frown a bit, noticing a bruise on his wrist. "Speaking of Black, what happened to you?"
He flushes and tugs his shabby robes over the bruise. "It's nothing. You should tell Harry how you feel. He needs to know."
"He's not mine to love. It would make no difference." I'm still frowning at him, I realize. Since he's not going to leave, I might as well give up. Why does it bother him that I noticed that bruise? I reach out without thinking and wrap my hand around his wrist, pulling it up. My fingers fit into the bruises easily, and I scowl. I didn't think Black would hurt him, but apparently I was wrong.
Lupin tugs at his arm. "It's not what it looks like. Sirius didn't hurt me."
"Who did then?" Funny how he knew what I was thinking.
He sighs softly. "We were just arguing. He was sorry about it as soon as he noticed." He looks away from me, uncomfortable with the direction the conversation has gone.
I watch him, thinking about this. I actually am not bothered by Lupin as much as I am by Black. Lupin is harmless, I know that, werewolf though he is. I've begun opening up to him, I realize, and it feels good. Time to open up more. "So he hit you?" I ask.
"No!" He looks up sharply. "He would never hurt me, not on purpose. He just grabbed my wrist to stop me from leaving."
Apparently even the perfect couple is having problems. Bully for them. As I sit holding his wrist, I study him, feeling close to him in a different way. This must be a bit like what friendship is like, I think to myself.
"What do I do?" I say softly, letting go of his arm.
He looks up at me startled. "Do?"
"About…Harry." It hurts to say his name.
A soft sigh answers me, then he speaks quietly. "I think you should tell him. He and Ron, they're not as together as Sirius thinks. At least, I don't think they are. I've watched them together, and it seems more like a very close friendship with a little bit of intimacy than a romantic relationship."
I shake my head a little. "But he looks so happy."
"He spends a lot of time with Ron, figuring things out, I think. They talk a lot. I think he's simply figured some things out, and it's lightened his heart a little. Having a good friend can do that."
"Figuring things out," I repeat quietly. With a close friend Like Lupin and I are? I think about that for a moment, and find that it rings true. I look over at him, sitting on my footstool, and realize that I think of him as a friend now. We both have things to figure out. Perhaps it's good that we've found each other. "We all have things to figure out, don't we."
He sighs softly and I know I'm right. "Let's figure you out first, okay?"
I find myself nodding, and feel a weight lift from me with the action. He smiles and I return it.
Later, as he's leaving, I feel relaxed, and think perhaps I'll be able to sleep for once. I have a friend. I know what I need to do. Somehow, I'll get my life back on track. Tomorrow I'll talk to him, and try my best to help him as he's helped me. But first, I'll talk to Harry. I can think about him now without pain. Maybe this will work after all.
TBC