What I Need 4?
The next day of classes passes by swiftly, leaving me nervous and headed for dinner. I had, according to plan, sent Harry an owl this morning before classes, asking him to meet me in the observatory after dinner. How I'm supposed to eat now, I don't know. As I take my seat, Remus slips up and joins me, ignoring the glare he gets from his partner.
"Nervous?" He asks quietly.
I sigh and nod. "Yes. Will you be…somewhere where I can find you after?"
He nods and glances over at Sirius, who looks away. Evidently they're still fighting. "Actually, would you mind if I just waited in your rooms?"
I blink. Evidently it's worse than I thought. I knew Black was upset that Remus was talking to me so frequently, but he'd have to get over it. It's not like he was cheating on him. I tag that thought, reminding myself to ask Remus about it later. "You two are still fighting?"
He nods again, looking down. "He doesn't like the fact that I talk to you so much. He really doesn't like you."
I sigh a bit and pick at my food. "You're quite welcome to wait in my room. And..you know…if it ever gets really bad, you can come over any time you want."
He smiles a bit, looking surprised. "Thank you, but I don't think I'll have to. He won't hurt me, really. He just has a temper."
I nod, and the rest of dinner passes in silence. I'm lost in my thoughts, and I assume he's lost in his. Too soon, it's over, and the students are filing out of the Hall. The lump of nervousness in my stomach grows and I regret eating the little I did. As I stand, Remus smiles up at me.
"Good luck, Severus."
I smile back faintly and head for the observatory, trying to fight back the urge to run away and hide. Really, that's ridiculous, I scold myself. It's just a little…talk…about emotions…
He's not there when I arrive, and I pace nervously in front of a window, looking out over the grounds. There are a few clouds skidding over the sliver of a moon and casting odd shadows on the forest and lake. I'm entranced by the movement, and stop to look out over a landscape of black and silver, forgetting why I'm there for a moment.
A soft noise from behind me startles me and I turn to see him standing in the door, the moonlight turning him all silver and shadows, as if he's not real, but just a dream in the night. My breath catches in my throat, seeing him standing there like that. So surreal, like a ghost, or a Muggle fairy tale creature come to life. He is still so beautiful, so breathtaking. How I ever got up the nerve to hurt him like I did, I don't know. I find that I've forgotten how to speak, and what I wanted to say to him. He doesn't move, just watching me silently from the shadows by the door. I make a slight move towards him, reaching for him, and the moment is gone, broken by my gesture. He stirs, stepping into the room and I sigh softly.
"You wanted to see me?" he says quietly.
I clear my head and find my voice somewhere. "Yes…" It comes out a bit rough, as if I haven't used it in a long time. "Yes, I need to talk to you."
He moves in a bit further, stopping just out of arm reach, waiting quietly for me to continue. I sigh softly, finding this harder than I had thought it would be.
"Are you and Mr. Weasley…together?" I finally get out.
He smiles faintly and nods a little. "Yes."
Hesitantly I continue, not showing how much that admission hurt. "Do you…love him?"
He's quiet, thinking about this, while I wait, every nerve stretched tight as a wire. If he says yes, it's over and I'll leave. After a long pause, he shakes his head. "No. Ron's…more like my best friend."
I'm dizzy for a moment in relief. "You're not?"
He gives me a quizzical look and shakes his head again, a wary look in his eyes.
I bite my lip as I notice the wariness. I don't begrudge him that though. I wouldn't trust me either. After all, I hurt him badly. He's still waiting for me to explain though, standing and watching me. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have to let go of my pride, of my masks, and open myself to him, aware of how vulnerable that makes me. I hate being vulnerable and weak, but he's my weakness and I know it.
"Harry," I say softly. "I realize that this is too late," oh how true that is, and how painful! "But I…I love you," I finish, almost inaudibly.
He stares at me, eyes wide with shock. I don't think that's what he expected to hear from me. He shakes his head a bit, confused.
"It's true." I move back over to the window, finding it easier to talk to him while looking out and away from his eyes. "I love you. I realized it too late, and I'm sorry." Keeping my voice neutral somehow is hard, and I don't even dare to hope that he might still feel something for me.
"Why are you telling me this now?" He asks. Without seeing his face, I can't guess at the feelings behind that statement.
"I needed to. Even if it doesn't make any difference, I'll have told you." Oh please let it make some difference. I've realized that you're more important to me than my job, than my peers. Love is. I can't live without you. How could I have been stupid enough to push you away?
He touches my shoulder lightly, and I turn to look down at him.
"Do you still want me?" His eyes are so vulnerable, so open. His face is like a book, easy to read. He's afraid of being hurt, and hopeful, wanting this as much as I do, and my heart skips a beat.
"Yes," I say my voice hoarse again.
He worries at his lower lip for a moment, and I want to soothe the bitten skin with my lips, feel him in my arms again. Only this time, it will be forever. I won't let him go.
"You aren't going to…leave me again, are you?" His voice is plaintive and I shake my head.
"You're more important than work, Harry. I need you. More than I can explain." My voice is quiet and I watch him, waiting for him to move first.
The soft sound he makes is almost a sob, and his arms are suddenly around me, his face buried against my chest. "I need you too," he mumbles into the fabric of my robes.
My arms go around him, pulling him close to me and I sigh, feeling the tension and pain of the summer fading away. With a gentle hand I tip his face up to mine and kiss him softly, lovingly.
He responds, but his kiss his hungry, demanding, and I find myself giving way, giving myself over to him. He presses his body to mine, and I run my hands over his back, putting everything I feel into the kiss and simple touch. This is where we belong. This is right.
His fingers fumble at the fastenings of my robes and I shiver a little. I hadn't planned or even thought about him wanting me as much as I wanted him. Silly, I suppose. But this time will be different. He gets them undone and pushes the heavy fabric off of my shoulders, leaving me in a simple tunic and pants. I let my hands slide up to the fastenings of his robes and return the favor. He allows me that, then pushes me back onto my robes, not breaking the kiss. I missed this, missed the feel of him against me.
He pulls up to look down at me with darkened eyes. "I…dreamt about you. About this."
I lift my hand, trailing my thumb over his lower lip and he kisses it lightly. "So did I, love." I watch as he sucks my thumb into his mouth and shudder slightly. I want him. I need him. He's my drug, my solace, my sanity. "Harry…." I whisper.
He pulls back to get both of us out of the last of our clothing, then snuggles to my side, his skin sliding along mine like silk. I trail a hand down his back, marveling at the feel of him pressed so close. I draw him up and kiss him again. I could kiss him forever, but he wants more than that and I can feel his hand trailing down my chest. As his fingers rub over my nipples lightly, I arch to his touch, my body already on fire for him. Just looking at him can drive me crazy. My hands pull at his hips, wanting him already, and he moans softly, his head falling to rest between my shoulder and neck. A moment later I stiffen as he bites me, then shudder. He pulls up, looking down at me.
"Mine…" His voice is low and husky, as his hand trails down my chest, teasing me, claming me.
"Yours," I gasp out, trying to lift my hips to him, and then I moan as his lips follow the path of his fingers, slowly exploring my body. His touch is fire and ice burning through my veins, driving me crazy with the need to feel him. I reach up, trailing my hands over his body, and he straddles my legs, smiling at me lovingly.
"I want to see you," he whispers, stroking me gently with his hand.
I trace little patterns on his hips, biting my lip to keep control. "Harry," I whisper. "Please…"
He leans down, kissing me lightly, lovingly, then slowly sinks down onto me, shuddering a little at the slight pain. I fight to keep from arching up to him, and watch him. We've never done it like this before. Never face to face, where I can see him and he can see me. It's so much more personal, so much more involved. It's perfect. Then he rocks his hips lightly and I lose the ability for coherent thought. All that's left is the heat, and him, burning through my veins. His hands and mine are everywhere, touching, stroking, learning the secrets of our bodies, losing ourselves in each other and loving it.
When he arches, shuddering, his climax hitting him hard, I'm less than a second behind him, spiraling up the waves of pleasure hand in hand with him, our bodies pressed to each other, fingers laced, faces inches apart. I feel more than hear his soft cries of pleasure and respond to them, rocking slowly as we both come down from the heights we reached together.
He collapses, shivering, onto my chest, nuzzling sleepily at my neck and I wrap my arms around him.
"This is where we belong…" I mummer into his hair as I hold him close, feeling him drift off into sleep. Content, I spell lock the door and lace fingers with him again, happy to hold him for as long as I can.