What I Need 7/11

I wake to the feel of him snuggled in my arms and smile, feeling like everything is perfect in the world. I could lay here like this forever, simply holding him in my arms. I kiss his shoulder lightly, then come to the realization that as perfect as this is, nature is calling and I have to move, or things will get very unpleasant.

As I return to my room, I hear someone moving in the outer room and frown. Tugging on a robe and running my fingers through my lover's hair, watching the soft smile flit over his face I sigh and head for the door. Scowling, I pull the door open, and am rather startled to find Remus in my room, blinking at me in an exhausted sort of way.

"Remus." I sound startled, I realize. Then again, having the werewolf show up in my rooms at random is still something I'm not used to.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." He yawns a bit. "Is Harry still sleeping?"

I am surprised for a moment, then realize that of course he would know that Harry is staying with me. After all, it's Christmas Break and Harry is the only Gryffindor who stayed this year. "Yes," I say calmly, sitting down in my reading chair.

Remus nods and takes a seat on my sofa, yawning yet again. He looks exhausted, I note, the circles under his eyes almost dark enough to look like real bruises.

"Were you out all night?"

He nods wearily. "I was thinking. I…don't want to see him, Severus." He wraps his arms around himself.

Now, I suppose, would be a good time to tell him of my unusual visit. "He was here yesterday."

That gets me a sleepy and surprised look. "Here? Why?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Why do you think? He knows you've been spending time here." I sigh, feeling ridiculous in my role as messenger. "He wanted me to tell you that he misses you, and wants to talk to you."

Remus frowns. "Why didn't he just come to me?"

I stifle the urge to glare at him for his stupidity. "Oh yes, that would have been quite easy, seeing as how you've spent every waking hour avoiding him." I sigh. "So I was put through his declarations of love."

He curls up into a ball on the sofa, wrapping his ragged robes around himself as if they can keep the world at bay. "Severus…" He trails off and sighs.

"It can't hurt just to talk to him, can it?" Severus Snape, the great relationship counselor. Bloody hell, I hate this.

"I don't want to go back to him," Remus says softly. "Loving him…isn't enough to get me through letting him hurt me. Azkaban changed him. He's not the man I loved before."

I have to admit I didn't expect to hear that from him. He's seemed so unhappy without Black that I never thought that he might not want to be with him anymore. "I didn't think you'd ever say that, Remus."

He hugs his arms closer, looking miserable. "I don't want to hurt him. But…I can't go back. I'll always love him, but I don't want to be hurt again. And no matter how he tries to hold himself back, I know it'll happen again. And next time…I might hurt him back. I couldn't live with myself if that happened."

A soft sound of surprise makes us both look up. Harry is standing in the doorway, his hair tousled in sleep, wrapped in the sheet from my bed, a fact that makes me scowl.

"Remus?" he asks softly.

Remus sighs quietly. "You heard, then."

Harry nods and makes his way over to me, the sheet trailing behind him and making him look oddly small. Curling up on my lap, he looks at Remus with soft worried eyes. "Sirius will be sad," he says quietly.

I kiss his temple, holding him close, and refraining from comment. Harry is better with emotions than I am. I would prefer that they not exist, except for a few. Complex, unnecessary things, emotions.

Remus sighs and nods, and for a moment I'm quite afraid that he's going to cry. "I know Harry. I want to be with him, I really do. But I'm scared that next time he won't stop. That next time, I'll fight back and hurt him. I don't want to be hurt."

Harry nods and leans back against him. "I understand." I can see a corner of Harry's smile, and all of Remus' small one in return.

"Thank you, Harry."

With a sigh I stand, breaking the mood and scooping Harry up with me. "Sleep, Remus. There are extra blankets in the closet by the bedroom." Turning, I carry my lover back into the bedroom.

He twists in my arms to look up at me. "Do you think this is really the end for them?"

"Perhaps," I respond, sitting back down with him on the bed. I raise an eyebrow at him. "Was it really necessary to unmake the bed?" I say coolly.

He grins. "Would you rather I had walked out there naked?"

Unbidden, I get a mental image of that and feel a smirk tugging at my lips. I set him down on the bed and give a yank on the sheet, tugging it off of him and sending him sprawling across the bed as he yelps.

"Severus! Would you be serious?"

I smirk, looking down at him spread out for me. "Oh, but I am."

He rolls his eyes, propping himself up on his elbows. "About Remus. Be serious." He turns onto his back and I straddle his hips, pinning him.

"Harry, it is his choice. I cannot do anything about it, especially not now." I lean down and catch his earlobe between my teeth.

The little noise he makes at that is quite satisfactory, and I set about seeing just how many more delightful little sounds I can wring from him.

"S-sev…" he protests quietly, one last time before I fasten my lips over his, silencing him. We can do nothing for Remus tonight, and I do not intend to dwell on the bad.

Much later, as we're curled up and he's sleeping in my arms, I find my mind wandering back to Remus whether I will it or no. I admire his courage. I have been where he was and I did not have the strength to get out. Harry knows only that I thought I loved his father. This memory he does not know, and I have no intention of telling him. With no little relief I thank the gods that I am not needed as a spy at this time. Unlike before, now I would have something to lose, should Voldemort catch me at my game.

Harry stirs in his sleep and I tighten my arms around him. Yes, I do indeed have something to lose. I swear silently that I will do all within my power to keep him safe. He is to precious to me now to lose…for I would be lost without him.

TBC