What I Need 9/11
Graduation day. I stand off to one side, watching the celebrating students. Oddly enough, I find that I will miss them, though it would shock some of them senseless to know that. I already miss some of them, their happy faces missing among their friends. Remus is standing with the Weasleys – Ron is going to be an Auror – but the celebration there is smaller than usual as well.
I feel a pang of sadness as I watch them. We have so much to celebrate, yet also so much to mourn. Voldemort is gone. For some, the price of vanquishing him could never have been to high. Idiots, the lot of them. "Acceptable losses," they say. Death is never acceptable. Wasted lives. Percy Weasley was not an "acceptable loss."
I can only imagine the pain Harry is going through. After all, many of the losses affected him directly, and even those that didn't, he feels. Mr. Longbottom proved to us all that he was truly a Gryffindor when he shielded Harry from the Avada Kedavra curse. I can remember the moment as clearly as if it had only happened a moment ago. I listened to Harry's cry of pain and rage as his friend's body fell into his arms. I could only watch, trapped across a battlefield from him, as he cradled Neville's body close, and watched him do what he'd never thought he could. He turned the same curse on Voldemort that the Dark Lord had used to claim so many lives. I hadn't even realized that Harry was capable of casting it.
Needless to say, the Aurors let him get by with it. After all, he was a hero again. I alone know how it upsets him to be treated as he is. I've spent countless nights holding him close, listening to him cry in his sleep and alternately feeling pain and rage for him. I've created a catalogue of things I would love to inflict on those who have made his life so hard, starting with his relatives. Beyond that…he believes he failed. He didn't want to become like Voldemort, didn't want to kill, and as a result of his hesitation, too many lives were lost.
In the fight, I'd been pulled from his side, so I'd watched it all happen. After, I had gently pulled him away from the body of his friend and carried him to the infirmary. He had passed out from the shock halfway there. As I think about it, half watching the Weasley twins try to sneak a Fillibuster's firework under Minerva's robe, it's a good thing that Harry had been unconscious. He hadn't seen the aftermath, hadn't seen the twins in a state of shock, gathering up their brother's body. Hadn't seen Dumbledore trying to comfort Remus. Sirius had been killed defending Remus from Peter Pettigrew.
Harry has dealt with the death of his godfather better than he dealt with Neville's death. Part of that no doubt stemming from the fact that Sirius was not killed in front of him. Remus, however, has not dealt at all well with Sirius' death. I believe he has yet to forgive himself for not telling Sirius he loved him still when he could.
My eyes are drawn to Remus' slim figure as he gives Harry a hug, congratulating him. He's nothing but a shadow of what he was, and I am worried for him, though I have not expressed my concerns. Harry is where I can fuss over him, so I do, in my own way. Remus is not.
Movement to my left makes me start, and drag my thoughts back to the present. The headmaster is standing there, looking his age.
"I thought I'd find you here, dear boy," he says quietly. "You never were one for parties."
"I have given my praise where it was due. I see no point in plaguing their fun or interrupting their family time."
He stands by me in silence for a while before speaking again. "Will you ask him today?" He twinkles at me, teasing lightly, and drawing my thoughts further away from the dark memories I can't seem to forget.
"Yes. Tonight. Will you still preside, if he says yes?" I am nervous again, and push it aside irritably. It will happen, and his answer is beyond my control.
"He'll say yes. And of course I will." He smiles benignly, looking out over the festivities.
I sigh a little, my thoughts turning inwards again. I do hope he says yes. I may not be much, but I love him, and I want to make him happy again.
"It will work out. You'll see." Dumbledore gives me a knowing look, then wanders off.
I see Harry looking my way and smile a little, nodding to him. I wish I could tell him now how proud I am of him, but people would wonder. So I simply raise a hand slightly, then turn and head inside, leaving him with the Weasleys and Remus.
Back in my suite, I go about preparing the dinner I have planned. I let the house elves do the cooking, having learned that no matter how good I am with potions, I cannot cook. A nice romantic evening is not something I have any experience with, but for him, I'll try.
When he finally arrives, I've been fidgeting nervously for about a half an hour. He looks around, noting the small gift on his plate at the table. As I wait nervously, he blinks at the dinner set up, then looks up at me with a delighted smile.
"Severus, you didn't have to do all this," he says happily, wrapping his arms around me.
"Perhaps I should not have, but I wanted to." I'm still nervous. Best to get this over with. "I am proud of you too, git."
He sticks his tongue out at me and I smile a bit. "'m not a git. As of today, I'm your co-worker."
I snort. "Yes. A sad day in the history of Hogwarts."
"Hey!" I get poked in the ribs for that.
With a smile, I push him lightly towards the table. "Sit. Open your gift." I manage not to blush, thankfully, though I can feel the knot of nervousness tightening in my stomach.
He smiles up at me and sits down, picking up the little box. I hold my breath and can feel an anxious scowl settling onto my face and irritably try to get rid of it. He unwraps it slowly, and as he looks down at the little ring in silence, I kneel beside him, placing my hand on his leg and forcing the words out. "Harry. Will…will you marry me?"
He's looking up at me suddenly, and I can see the tears on his face, and the happy smile that has become all too rare.
"Yes," he says simply, and then he's in my arms, face pressed against my neck. "Oh yes yes yes….Severus…I thought you'd never ask!"
I hold him close, almost hurting I'm so happy. I don't think I could have scowled at anyone right at this moment, even if it had been a whole room full of inept first years. With one hand, I tip his face up and kiss him, putting all my love into it. He said yes. I cannot remember the last time I was so happy.
He breaks the kiss to turn in my arms and slip the ring on. I smile as I watch him, hoping that everything will work out. Soon we will truly be together. Hogwarts will simply have to deal.