Disclaimer: I hateeeeee…these. Harry Potter isn't mine. If it was, they would be a tinsy bit less depressing. Or at least the fifth one would be. Gawd, that book was really depressing. I really got all down. I am going off topic again?

So…a new chapter in Evvy's rather eventful life. Now, what surprises is this chapter gonna bring? Read and see, read and see…

Chapter 7: Sex Ed in a Booklet

Evvy smiled happily. It worked! She thought, grinning at all the stunned expressions on everybody's faces. Hermione's reaction was what she was hoping for, and there was clearly a lot of 'oh my god'-ing going on here. She looked over at the high table to make the teachers didn't know anything weird was going on, and winced when she saw Professor McGonagall's shaking hand drop a hot pink pamphlet into her goblet and her father's face red with fury as he scanned the table of contents.

She shrugged, and picked up a booklet herself.

Sex Ed in a Booklet

Hogwarts has currently acquired a school newspaper. Although this newspaper is great, it has been declared to vulgar for the younger students, or one through fourth year, to read. Since the newspaper will sadly not be allowed to view the paper without knowing about sex, I, the editor, have personally decided to educate you all in the joys of sex in this booklet. Surely, in the future years, the school will educate you appropriately without my interference.

For teachers to make sure that you have read this form so they can give you a newspaper, you must first read it-of course-and turn it over to the back flap. The hidden spell there will scan your face and print out a little tag that reads ' has read the required information to receive a newspaper." The teachers will see it and take note of it for further papers, so declaring that you know enough to read. If there is anything new in the paper that is not included in this bulletin, it will be on the front of the paper in detailed description.

Now, before you can read this booklet, you must know what sexual intercourse is. Some of you students may have learned this from your parents, but for those of you who haven't, please read this. Sex is when…

And so on. Included also was a table of contents.

Table of Contents

Chapter One: Foreplay

Chapter Two: Kissing

Chapter Three: What you do and don't know about males

Chapter Four: What you do and don't know about females

Chapter Five: How it feels to both sexes

Chapter Six: How old you should be

Chapter Seven: Gays and Lesbians…

It went on and on. Evvy looked at her handiwork, smiling proudly. It was Sex Ed in a Booklet, all right.

Hermione looked up at Evvy in disbelief. "You-you…" she spluttered.

Evvy raised one eyebrow. "I what?"

Hermione looked at her helplessly. "Please tell me you didn't do this." Obviously much worse things had been running through her mind.

"I can't."

"And why not?"

"Cuz that'd be lying."

Hermione's mouth hung open, her expression one of utter horror.

Evvy smirked and searched the room for other reactions. Draco flashed her a thumbs up while Blaise gazed at her with an odd expression, one of both mirth and fear. Millicent upset a jar of jam all over Pansy's sleeve, though for once the fashion-obsessed girl didn't notice, she stared at the booklet and dropped it like it was on fire. Evvy saw Ernie over at the Hufflepuff table trying in vain to break up a pair of fourth-year lovers who had just found something new to do, and Lavender and Parvati had collapsed in hysterical laughter farther down her own table. Ginny was muffling squeaks behind her sleeve as she laughed so hard that she cried, and Evvy saw a squeamish boy named Neville Longbottom run out of the Hall, looking like he was about to throw up. Evvy supposed that he must have watched the video. She had had a warning on it: Warning: Video NOT for squeamish stomachs, but Neville must not have listened. Ah, well, she thought. Ron's reaction was one of the fish variety, his huge mouth opening and closing.

"Ewwww!" Evvy said, and looked away. "There's food in your mouth!"

Ron closed it and swallowed. "Sorry 'bout that."

Evvy sighed and unshielded her eyes.

Then Ron remembered what her was going to say. "You didn't," he said in a strangled voice.

"I did."

Suddenly there was a tall dark shadow over the top of her head, and a sharp pain issued from her ear as the man pinched it.

"Ouch!" she yelped, and twisted wildly, trying to evade the iron-tight grasp. "What the bloody-" She caught a glimpse of the face, and her blood drained from her head. Her father's look was murderous, lightning crackling in his eyes.

"Oops," she gulped.

He bent down and hissed in her ear. "We need to talk," he said in a whisper more fearful than yelling, and still holding her ear, stood.

"I'll be back later," Evvy told her friends shakily.

Her father took no notice of her talking, and strode off towards the doors, with Evvy, who was cursing the air blue right next to him.

"Oh, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck-"

Snape slammed the doors shut behind them, and let go. Evvy sighed with relief, and swallowed it when she got another good look at her father.

He seized her by the shoulders and shoved his nose in her face. "What," he roared, "is this?" He smashed a pink pamphlet into her eyes.

"Hehe," she laughed nervously. "Er…"

"This is no laughing matter!" He threw her against the wall. "You distributed these…these…these…" He was groping for a word to describe the awfulness.

"Booklets?" Evvy ventured timidly.

"SHUT UP!"

She did.

"You distributed these booklets among the crowd! And for what?"

"…"

"A GOD-DAMN NEWSPAPER!"

"Well," said Evvy hotly, forgetting that her father was five times taller than she was, and a lot bigger too, "there was no sex ed class, and Dumbledore said the paper was vulgar, so I-"

"-made the booklets," spat Snape.

"-and it was for a quite good cause too," finished Evvy, as if her father hadn't interrupted her.

"FIRST YEARS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS STUFF!" exploded Snape. "I DOUBT EVEN FIFTH YEARS ARE, LET ALONE SEVENTH YEARS!"

"Dumbledore never said I couldn't!" Evvy stuck her tongue out at him, resorting to kindergarten methods in her frustration.

"He never said you could, did he?"

"Um…well…"

"I'm waiting."

"Er…no, he didn't."

"It wasn't exactly against the rules, as we have none against this, son I can't punish you," he sighed. "But next time you want to do something like this-" he shook the paper under my nose for emphasis "-I want to know. Is that clear?"

"Crystal," Evvy grumbled.

"What did you say?" Snape leaned forward.

"CRYSTAL!" Evvy shouted.

"Good." He turned abruptly and strode off.

Evvy relaxed and winced as another spasm of pain shot through her ear. She walked back through the double door, massaging it gently. "He didn't have to squeeze that hard," she muttered, sitting down. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny leaned forward.

"So?" prompted Ron.

"So what?" Evvy snapped, buttering her toast. She was still sore about the ear thing-no pun intended.

"So did you get in trouble?" Ginny asked, unperturbed.

"What? No," Evvy took a big, crunchy bite.

"Really?" asked Hermione, looking astounded.

"Really really," Evvy said.

"But Snape always punishes us," Ron said indignantly. "Why should it be any different with you?"

Evvy raised an eyebrow at him. "Do I really have to answer that for you?"

Ron appeared to think a moment. "Oh. Right."

"Exactly. I'm his daughter."

Ron rolled his eyes, and started muttering obscenities under his breath about fathers and favorites.

The bell rang, and they set off for the Potions classroom. It was Friday, and tomorrow was another Hogsmead day. That meant another Ron and Pansy date to set up. So Evvy dropped back to talk with the Slytherins.

Draco acknowledged her presence with a huge grin and a high five. "You really did that?"

Evvy grinned. His enthusiasm was infectious. "Uh-huh."

"That's bloody brilliant! How'd you manage to pull it off? Your father looked full to bursting point when you guys ran out of the door. Or rather, him dragging you by the ear."

"It wasn't that hard. I mean, it's his daughter we're talking about here."

"Sweeeeeeeeeet."

After shrugging off Draco, Evvy walked up to Pansy. The girl was staring into a compact mirror intensely, taking no notice of the bustling crowd around her and the stairs, though she navigated the dungeon perfectly.

"Hey Pansy," Evvy said, trotting next to her.

Pansy waved. She didn't look up from her mirror.

Evvy stared at her. "Uhhhh…Pansy?"

"Hmm?"

"What the hell are you doing?" Evvy peered over her shoulder, but could see nothing but Pansy's reflection.

"Do my lips look fat?" Pansy held the mirror closer, and angled it.

Evvy rolled her eyes.

Pansy snapped the compact shut. "Great. I have to be the only one in my family to have fat lips! The only one!"

"Look, Pans, it doesn't matter."

"Yes it does! I have fat lips! It has to matter! I have fat lips!"

"Just shut up for a moment, okay?"

Pansy surprisingly shut her mouth with a snap. Evvy, taken aback, stared at her for a moment, until Pansy began to look harried.

"Hmmm-mhm?" she hummed.

"Oh. Yeah. Right. Guess what day it is tomorrow?"

"Hmmm-hmm?"

"You can talk now, idiot!"

Pansy opened her mouth, then shut it, appearing to think about it. "I think it might be Wednesday."

"No, you arsehead! It's Friday!"

"So?"

"SO? Are you serious?"

"Ummmm…yeah."

Evvy smacked Pansy around the head.

"Owwwww! What was that for?"

"TOMORROW'S A HOGSMEAD WEEKEND, YOU IDIOT!" Evvy screamed.

"So?"

Evvy smacked her again.

"Owwwwwwwwww!"

"SO YOU CAN GO ON ANOTHER DATE WITH DAMIEN, YOU IDIOT!"

"Oh. OH. Really?" She squealed.

Evvy sighed. "Finally! A breakthrough!"

"Can I?"

Evvy smacked her.

"Owwwwwwwwww!"

"Yes Pansy, you may."

"My head hurts."

"Good. It's supposed to."

"Really?"

SMACK

"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!"

….

By this time, they were down in the dungeon already, and Evvy's father was already ushering the students inside.

"Hi Professor!" Evvy said brightly.

Snape sent her a death glare, and she winced. He was probably still mad about that morning.

And so he was.

Evvy took a seat next to Hermione as Snape proceeded to begin the lesson.

"Ok, now, we will begin the first five stages of the Algonquin Draught of Switchery today. This process is quite easy, so I expect you all to do perfectly well on it today." He glared at Neville, and the poor boy instantly whimpered with fear. Snape smirked, and began to pair the class up.

Evvy hastily scribbled a note explaining about his next date with 'Ashely', and how they were going to find out who each other was. He beamed as he scanned it, and Evvy felt her stomach lurch guiltily.

"-and Evvy."

"What?" Her head snapped up.

"If you were paying attention, you would have realized that Mr. Zabini is your partner," Snape said frostily. Evvy blushed as she made her way over to Blaise.

"Ok," said Blaise, squinting at the instructions on the board as Evvy readied the cauldron, "We need to add a half pint of salamander blood to water boiled at two hundred degrees, and add four dried snake fangs after five clockwise stirs."

They worked quite nicely together, though Evvy could hear lots of arguing from the other pairs. It seemed that her father had a knack for choosing the least compatible pairs.

"No, you idiot! Put in the porcupine quills AFTER the blue blood!" shrieked Hermione tensely.

Draco's face was flushed. "Oh, come on Granger! What bloody difference does it make?"

"It makes ALL the difference!" she screeched.

"You filthy Mudblood! Is schoolwork all you care about?"

"No, it's just that I was thinking about the person that's supposed to be drinking this could end up with rabbit ears, or…or…something like that!" She crossed her arms and looked at Draco accusingly. "What were you thinking about? How hot Pansy looks in her robes? Or without them?"

Draco turned red. "Hey! One, she's obsessed about that Damien guy, and two….um….two…er…

"EXACTLY!" Hermione cried. "You weren't thinking of anything, were you?"

"Uhhhh…"

"WERE YOU?"

"Why is it any of your business, anyway?" demanded Draco hotly. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you like me!"

Hermione gaped like a fish at him. "Wh-what? I certainly do NOT!"

Draco rolled his eyes. "Key phrase: if I didn't know any better. Besides," he said slyly, "you do like me, dontcha?" He slicked his hair back teasingly.

SMACK

Over by Neville and Goyle, it was apparent that the cauldron was about to go overboard.

Goyle towered over poor Neville. "I am not a-" He stopped and scratched his head. "What didya say again?"

"Dumbass?" ventured Neville timidly.

"Yeah! That thing!" Goyle lunged forward, shoving a huge, meaty finger in Neville's face, causing him to howl and fall backwards-right into the cauldron.

At the clang, nobody looked up. They all sighed and said automatically, "Neville."

A hiss warned them that the potion was spreading across the floor rapidly, and everyone stood on their chairs and continued working-all without looking up.

"Good thing that I stood up in time, or else it would have ruined my new shoes," said Pansy gratefully, fluffing up her hair.

"And we care why?" scoffed Ron.

"Because beauty is the important thing in a person's life!" stated Pansy proudly.

"Yeah right," Ron said, and instantly pulled out a compact mirror and started to obsess over his hair.

Pansy, meanwhile, was reapplying her makeup.

"Idiots!" yelled Snape. "This is NOT a beauty school!"

"Well, it should be," argued Pansy.

"Yeah," complained Lavender. "Why don't you do any cool potions, like stuff to make lipstick last longer?"

Snape rolled his eyes. "Who here wants those types of potions-besides you two?"

"We do!" chorused most of the girls, waving their hands in the air.

"But…but…" spluttered Snape. "But they aren't useful!"

"Like this is?" retorted Pansy.

"It is!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

Snape threw his hands up in the air. "I'm not going to stand for this! Now, either you work on THIS potion, or fail."

Grumbling, everyone went back to work.

"Is it always this interesting?" Evvy asked Blaise quietly.

He grinned. "Always."

….

The next day, Ron, Pansy, Hermione, and Evvy met at the gate.

"Hey, how come I can't see Ashley?" complained Ron.

"You're not going to see her until after the date," said Evvy. Then she added worriedly, "A nice, fun, relaxing, happy date with no hating, hitting, or fighting. Or violence," she added as an after thought.

Ron and Pansy stared at her. "Uh, why would we?" asked Pansy.

"Oh, never mind," said Evvy, waving a hand about. "Just too much sugar, right Hermione?" Evvy elbowed her, and they both began to laugh hysterically.

"Okkkkk…" said Ron. "We'll be going now." The couple walked off.

Once they were out of earshot, Hermione gripped Evvy's arm tightly. "That was too close," she hissed.

Evvy wrenched her arm away. "I know, I know."

They followed the two, ducking behind bushes and such. Ron and Pansy looked ecstatic about being together. But it wasn't the date they were worried about. It was after.

"But what are they going to do when they find out?" moaned Hermione, twisting her hands fretfully.

"I don't know!" Evvy snapped apprehensively.

"How are we going to stop them from leaving when they find out?"

"We'll be in the Room of Requirement, and lock the door once they enter, and take off the spell there."

"Perfect! But when are they coming back?"

"Not sure."

"But what's going to happen if they still don't like each other anyway?"

"I don't know."

"But-"

"Shut up! You're giving me a headache!"

"…"

"That's better."

"But-"

"NO BUTS!"

….

Evvy and Hermione met the 'couple' with forced smiles on their faces. Hermione was still wringing her hands nervously.

"Hey you guys," Evvy said through gritted teeth. "I trust you had a good date. A perfectly normal, non-violent date."

"Right…" said Ron, but he didn't look at her. If fact, neither of them had turned their heads once. They just kept staring into each other's eyes.

"Ok, follow us. We're going to take the spell off in a special room," Hermione said in a strange, high-pitched voice. Neither Ron nor Pansy seemed to notice.

They all walked up to the fifth floor, Ron and Pansy's eyes never leaving each other.

Evvy stopped. "Ok, you two are seriously starting to freak me out."

"What are we doing?" they chorused, still staring at one another.

"Staring! You haven't looked away once! How do you get around?"

"We're smart," Ron said after a moment's pause.

Pansy laughed uproariously. "Smart…" she gasped.

Ron turned bright red, and they continued on.

Evvy yanked open the door to the Room of Requirement, and motioned for the others to step inside. They all entered, and after locking all five huge, heavy bolts, she joined them on a red satin couch.

"Ok," said Evvy, who was quite nervous at this point. Hermione, however was beyond nervous. Her eyes were rolling in her head and she was bouncing in her seat. Evvy continued, trying to ignore her continuous thumping. "You're both going to see who the other is."

"Right," intervened Hermione quickly. "This may come as a shock to you, so I beg of you, no kicking-"

"-screaming-"

"-hitting-"

"-fractures-"

"-mild concussions-"

"-heavy concussions-"

"-paralyzed bodies-"

"We get the point!" snapped Pansy.

"Yeah!" added Ron. "I don't care who Ashley is, because no matter what, I'll always love her!"

Silence greeted this. All of them, including Ron himself, was shocked.

Eventually, Pansy spoke. "That's so romantic!" she cried.

"It's just how I feel," Ron said uncomfortably. Then he leaned forward and said anxiously, "Is that okay?"

In reply, Pansy seized him and kissed him deeply.

"I'll take that as a yes," Ron said in a hoarse voice, and kissed her back.

Evvy and Hermione stared at them, at each other, then back at them.

"It's so romantic!" they cried in unison, and fell into each other's arms, sobbing uncontrollably.

Finally Pansy and Ron broke apart. "Ok, we're ready," said Pansy.

"Okay," said Evvy, wiping her eyes, and sniffling a bit. "Now on that note, close your eyes…"

Once they had complied, Evvy traced some symbols in the air and they glowed silver, like ornaments. Then they disappeared in a cloud of smoke. The spell was broken.

"They're so peaceful," said Hermione regretfully.

"Now let's see if it's all worth it," said Evvy bravely. She clapped her hands. "ok, you can open your eyes now."

Now how was that? Big cliffie!

Zeetah- Oh well. It's okay if you're extremely tired. I want a longer review this time! Lol.

Cheekymonkey31- Sweet user name. I love people being manipulative, so that's why I made Evvy that way. Of course, I don't like it when people manipulate me.

Dracos-naughty-lil-girl- Yay! Someone's begging! It's okay for not reviewing!

Emmasnape99- If you don't understand, then why are you nodding and agreeing? Oh well. Yay for fabulous chapters!

Dark Angel's Curse- Someone else begs!Yay! Sorry, but it's a good compliment, so yay! And too bad, another huge cliffie at the end of this chapter. Sorry!

Zerrin of the Wind- Well, as you can see, they will be able to see who they are, but not in this chapter! Tee hee!

Maliaphire- Yes, the infamous Dumbledore lost his cool! Hahah!

Rachael- Right. Books. I WILL remember. Promise.

Syl Rose- I told you! I told you!

….

Ask Evvy's Crystal Ball

Today was a normal day.

Also known as, total chaos.

Tomorrow was the big day, the day the first newspaper was coming out. The news room was a bustle of activity, with people whirling around left and right.

"Evvy!" screeched Hermione. "Malfoy's not sharing the stapler!"

"It's not Malfoy, it's Draco! Draco!" A shower of paper from the ceiling drowned out part of his voice. "You want the bloody stapler? You can have it!"

"Owww!" Hermione emerged from the paper storm, clutching at her forehead which was steadily dripping with blood.

Evvy smacked herself on the forehead. "Hermione, hospital wing! Draco, don't throw staplers!"

"Sorry, but she was asking for it!" he yelled.

"I'm going to choose to ignore that," Evvy muttered. "And whoever's throwing the papers, stop it right now!"

"Peeves!" Everybody shouted.

"Tee hee!"

….

Okey-dokey, end of chapter! Hope you enjoyed it, and don't forget: the button calls you. IT CALLS YOU!