She blinked once. Twice. He was still there. Chemically altered teeth grinning at her from a knee on the ground. It seemed all too real. She had expected the dates, the sex, the "I love you"s, but never this. This was impossible. The pieces didn't fit. It was jagged.
"No."
The word escaped her lips before she could rationalize, before she could imagine the deflated look on his face. The lack of remorse backed her decision. He was not supposed to ask her, was not allowed.
"What?" His voice was like shattered glass. She winced from her own bluntness. Tried to lie to him.
"I love you, but I am not ready. I have school and the paper and my future to set."
His eyes still cried. "I want to be your future."
Winced again. Today was not her day.
"I know, and you are. I am just…I am not ready for a wedding! The planning, the money."
"Then we'll elope! Just you and me, no planning, no guests, no parents, no parties." She shook her head.
"That is not a wedding." She took a breath, and tried again. "this is enough for me right now. I love you, and I want to be with you, just not marriage. Not yet."
He looked barely rejuvenated, but nevertheless he retreated. Rory watched him, waiting for more of a response then the dull look on his face.
"Are you okay?"
He sighed. "I'm hearing you, and I believe you, but I still just got rejected." She touched his cheek, feeling only his skin.
"I didn't reject you, I am just . . . waiting."
"What's wrong with being engaged until then?" Rory knew that he had his point. She could not possibly counter it. Instead, she kissed him.
"I love you." Three words. That's all it was.
"I love you too." He mumbled at her, facing towards the ground.
"Are you okay?" she asked again.
"I just need an hour or something. I am gonna go take a drive . . . or something." Rory nodded. His lips pressed against hers again, and he left. Thoughts whirred around Rory's head.
The proposal was not right, was not his right because it was someone else's. And she could see his face.
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Rory leaned on his bare shoulder after making up. He was smiling at the world, one hand lazily playing with Rory's brown locks. She was trying not to think. Or more accurately, trying to think. Of anything. Repeating facts in her head, remembering her childhood, anything but the future. Anything. So much for that,
"When will we have kids?"
His tone was surprising and slightly tentative. Rory was taken aback. She stared at the ceiling in thought for a moment.
"Well . . . that is how it works. We are married when we are ready for kids."
He nodded in obvious agreement. Rory felt relieved, two birds with one stone.
"They are going to be beautiful kids." His smile grew, if possible, wider.
"Mmhm." They would be beautiful kids. Blonde, brunette, green eyed or brown eyed. It was flawless. She was somehow reminded of an old song lyric.
"There's no design the flaws are fine."
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That night, Rory had one of those vivid dreams that when recalled, you can remember every detail. She was in a small but neat white house with slightly tattered blinds from the unmistakable hands of innocence. Inside, it smelled like cinnamon and honey. There were several stains on the carpets and none of the furniture was leather. Most of the couch pillows has cat scratched where the cotton stuffing was poking out. Rory could feel in her whole body that this was her home. The living room was full of pictures. On the mantel, on the coffee table. The actual wall was impossible to see between picture frames. The photographs felt happy. Rory walked towards a sliding glass door covered in finger smudges, and she pulled it open. The backyard was quite large. Some of the grass was a shade of green, but most was closer to yellow. Large trees shaded plastic tables and chairs, and Rory could smell a barbeque not far from where she stood.
"Mom!"
A child called out to her. Her child. Phoebe jumped into Rory's arms. Her hair was shoulder length brown and unkempt. Rory pushed it out of Phoebe's face. She wanted to see them. The beautiful honey brown eyes she had missed so much. Her husband's eyes.
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When Rory woke up, her boyfriend had left for work. She felt strange, like there was a large blank in the center of her mind. She tried to fill it for a few moments in bed, but frustrated, gave up.
"I need to clean." She said out loud. Organizing had to help her clear her head. It would put her in order.
Rory had moved in a month ago, but there were a few boxes left in the hall closet. She crept in on hands and knees, pulling them out and searching them one by one. The first box was full of clothes Rory had forgotten about. Some had holes in them, one or two had major stains. She pushed the box over to the side after salvaging one black top. The next box had old papers and files from her years at Chilton. Rory wrinkled her nose, revisiting why she had left the worthless box alone in the first place.
"Can't I throw anything away?" She shoved the box back towards the dark of the closet. Her hand touched another box, one she had not noticed before. She pulled it out, its contents moving inside it. Her heart began to race, as she thinking it to be skeletons in her boyfriends close. But it was her writing in black marker over the top and on the sides. Save. Rory could remember having this box, but had no idea what it contained because she had not opened it in ages. When she pulled up the flaps, a distinct but undescribable feeling consumed Rory. Her heat pounded harder as she reached into the box, picking up a stack of sticky photographs. She turned one over.
"Oh." She said softly.
"Come on, just one picture, would it kill you?"
"Yes."
Rory pouted.
"How am I supposed to remember you?"
He moved closer to her, smiling. He kissed her softly. They were eating Chinese takeout on the grass in the center of town, feet away from the gazebo. The sun warmed body and hearts as Rory clung to the moment.
"You won't have to remember, because I am going to be there to tell you." Jess looked up at her with his rarest and heaviest smile. She returned his look with adoration. Then-
CLICK.
"Hey, that's cheating!"
Rorys eyes burned as she stared at the Jess Mariano no one knew. Her Jess Mariano. He had a heart and a mind. As she stared, she remembered a less happy moment. She was with Lorelai in the jeep, Lorelai told her Jess was gone, not expected to come back.
"I am going to be there to tell you."
A tear slid down her cheek, and it felt real. More real than Rory had felt in a very long time. It was not anger, but pained nostalgia. Rory looked at picture after picture, some awkwardly posed and some candid truth. In every one containing her own image, her face looked brighter than she could ever remember feeling. Letters were beneath the pictures, unsent letters to Jess. Some were begging him to come back to her, some were trying to be more realistic, saying she "understood" but she loved him. Rory laughed a little. Understood. What a load of bullshit. That was what the problem was, because it wasn't right. None of it should have happened. But she was sick of being angry. The majority of the letters were furious. Their reunions had been doused with her anger. She was sick of it. She suddenly wanted it back. The sunshine, the pictures, the feeling. Rory thought about it for a few minutes, but she knew. She wanted Jess back.