A/N: This fic is one I was thinking about before the HBP came out, but now it's sort of solidified. If you haven't yet read HBP (Shame on you) then be warned that there are spoilers here. There is also explicit and sometimes non-consensual sex and violence. If you are old enough and mature enough to deal with that, read on. Otherwise, don't blame me for ruining the book or hurting your psyches. Please review.

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. You all know that.

Welter of Emotions

"Are you sure you don't want to stay here with us, 'Mione?" Harry asked, looking at me carefully. He and Ron were staying at Hogwarts for Christmas. It was their last Christmas at Hogwarts, and they wanted it to be special.

"Harry," I sighed, "yes, I'm positive. I need a break from school, and I need some time to myself, to think. I have a lot to think about. I'm going to spend some time shopping and having fun and seeing my family, and reading something that is not school related."

"Please, mark this day on the calendar. Read something NOT school related? Are you feeling OK?"

"Harry, please. I'm not kidding." I was tired and near to tears.

"I'm sorry, 'Mione. Have a good break. Owl us, or just come back, if you change your mind."

"I'll see you in a couple of weeks, Harry." And with that, I shrunk my trunk and left the tower to take a carriage to the Hogwarts Express.

It was good, I reflected on settling into a compartment alone, to get away from the boys for a while. Too much time around them, and you sort of start to forget that you're a girl. I think that was what happened to me for so long. I mean, I didn't forget that I was a girl, but when the two most important people in your life are boys, things like clothes and makeup and, well, girl talk, are not high on your list of priorities.

I mean, it took Ron SIX years to realize he fancied me. Partly, I think because I was just one of the guys for him. And partly because we were just too close, I think. We were too good of friends and we just didn't recognize that half a step from best friend to, umm, special friend…

Well, just as well. Maybe if we hadn't been such good friends before, we wouldn't be able to stand each other now that we'd broken up. Broken up because we were too good of friends. Frankly, it had always felt like kissing a brother. Now we were trying to patch back together six years of friendship. Harry and Ginny were a big help, and their friendship, post snogging partners, was a shining example. Ron and I were fine as long as we had company, but…well, I needed a break. There was always tension now when we were together.

Currently, I was directing my need to over-analyze every situation into trying to understand WHY it had taking Ron SIX years to realize he fancied me in the first place. I mean, I know I'm not cute or sexy or whatever…but I didn't think I was hideous, either. What was different about me?

My first thought was that I had never really tried at school. First off, I didn't have time, and it wasn't important enough to me for me to make time. School came first, which lately had included prefect duties and then Head Girl duties. Fighting Voldemort and trying to keep Harry from getting killed was also higher on my priority list than clothes.

If I'm being honest, though, I have to admit that I didn't feel like trying to compete in something I would never be that good at. Lavender and Pavarti were my dorm mates. I got to hear them be girls on a regular basis, talking about boys and clothes and painting each others nails. They were the gold standard of feminity, and I knew I'd never be like that. Lavender was beautiful and Pavarti was exotic and sexy. Even my best female friend, Ginny, was beautiful in a different way with her long red hair and easy laugh. They all had boys chasing them all the time. It was like I was in their shadow. And my bushy hair didn't help that at all.

Getting off the train at Kings Cross, I took my trunk and apperated to the Leaky Cauldron. For the first time ever, I had lied to Harry and Ron. I wasn't going to see my family over Christmas. They had gone to Italy for the holiday. I was of age now, though, so I was going to spend my holiday at Diagon Alley. I hadn't told the boys because I didn't want them to worry about me spending the holiday alone. But right now, that's what I needed, alone time.

"Tom," I said, walking up to the proprietor, "I need a room for the next two weeks." He looked a little worried at this, craning his neck around to look for the people traveling with me.

"Hermione, you know I can't let out a room to underage wizards without an adult signature…" he said, looking embarrassed. "Not that I'd have any problems with you, of course, with loud parties and what not, but that's the law…"

Sighing, I took out my purple and gold wizarding identification card that I had received when I turned 17, which is legal age in the wizarding world. It also had my apperation license information on it. Seeing that, Tom smiled. "Goodness, Hermione, where has the time gone. Of course I have a nice room for you. And we are going to have a lovely Christmas party for the guests this year. Here you go dear, room 7." He handed me a large brass key with a large tag saying 7 on it and came around the counter to carry my trunk up for me.

After settling into my room, I decided to get a start on my Christmas shopping. Stopping first into Gringott's, where last summer I had opened my own vault and transferred all my muggle savings to a wizard account, I budgeted my shopping expenses and made a withdrawal. As I was leaving the bank, I thought I heard a familiar voice, but I couldn't quite place it, and I didn't see anyone I recognized.

As I wandered around Diagon Alley I wondered what I should get for my best friend of 6 years who was also my ex-boyfriend. Awkward. Very Awkward. As I was considering this, I noticed my feet had taken me to the Weasley twins' joke shop. I decided to see what new and frightening things they had created since that summer, and pushed the door open.

"Well, well, well. George, look what the cat dragged in," Fred said from behind the counter. Looking around I noticed there were several younger students in the shop, along with the twins.

"Hermione! Good to see you. Where are Ron and Harry?" George said, looking up from the display he was arranging.

"Well, George, they stayed at Hogwarts for the break." I said, smiling at the twins.

"So you are going to visit your family then?" Fred asked.

"No, I'm staying at the Leakey Cauldron. My family's visiting some relatives in Italy, and I wanted to be alone for a while and think." I answered Fred.

At this, the twins looked at each other with the knowing look that only twins can share. "Hermione, we are staying here for Christmas this year, what with having the shop and all. And Mom and Dad and Bill and Ginny are in Romania visiting Charlie. It would be great if you would spend Christmas with us. At least in the evenings. You can have your alone time during the day, but you should be with friends and family some, too. That's what the holidays are all about…" George was looking at me intently.

I thought for a minute. This seemed like a perfect solution. I didn't really want to be alone on Christmas, but I needed time away from Ron and Harry. Mostly Ron, but Ron and Harry were like a set. The only people I'd ever seen closer were the twins. But this meant I could still have the day time to think about life and what I wanted out of it.

"All right, George, you have a deal. I'll even cook Christmas dinner, if you have a kitchen…" I blushed, wondering if I was up to this, given that their mother was such a fabulous cook…

"You're on, Hermione!" They said together.

"Well, for tonight, why don't you come to my room at the Leaky Cauldron when you get the shop closed up? We can have dinner and catch up on all the dumb things your prat of a brother has done in the last three months." I offered.

"Great, see you at 8. What room?" Fred asked.

"Room 7." I smiled at them and headed back to make sure everything was straightened up before they could arrive. Glancing at my watch, I saw that I had about two hours until they'd be there.

Back at the Leaky Cauldron, I decided to take a quick shower and get cleaned up. I got undressed and put a bath robe on. Grabbing my shower bag, I made sure the robe was securely tied and headed to the floors only bathroom.

Having never been the kind of girl to spend hours primping, I quickly showered. Getting out of the tub, I saw myself in the mirror, and decided to try the new Sleakeasy potion for frizzy hair that I had picked up over the summer and never bothered with. It worked fairly well, mostly taming my hair into waves, although it did nothing for the spit ends. I guess it was time for another haircut.

I tied my robe back around me and, glancing at my watch and noting I have another hour, I headed back to my room. I opened the door and walked in, dropping my bag in the room's only chair. It was then that I glanced at the mirror and noticed I wasn't alone in the room. I whirled around to face the last person I ever wanted to see again.

"Draco, please leave." I said, through clenched teeth, reaching into my pocket for my wand. It was only then that I realized I had left my wand in the pocket of the jacket I had worn shopping. Cold fear clenched in my belly, although I wasn't going to let it show on my face. Ever since I had heard from Harry about Draco's part in the death of Dumbledore, I had hated him, feared him, and pitied him. All those emotions were circling in my brain right now, and I didn't want to face them. This was the other reason I had needed to get away from Hogwarts…all these memories…

I saw Draco use my wand to lock the door and shivered at the thought of that filthy bastard touching anything of mine.

He smirked at my expression. "So, Mudblood, have you been enjoying your year? Who do you miss more, me, or Dumbledore?"

"Your absence has almost balanced out his," I said quietly.

"Awe, Mudblood, you don't miss me? Do you even think about me? I have been thinking about you." He took a step closer. "I've been thinking about you a lot and wondering certain things, given your close relationship with the Weasel and the Chosen One. Then I realized I'd been with a lot of girls, but never a Mudblood. Maybe there's a reason so many wizards are willing to become blood traitors. But who could I experiment on and see? And that's when I thought of…you…" He walked towards me while I shrank back until my thighs hit the edge of the bed. Draco was pointing my own wand at me.

"You should be honored, Granger. Pansy'd kill for another chance with me. What do you say?"

"I'd rather die."

"Ah, Granger, that'll happen anyway. Might as well live a little first." Before I knew it he was beside me and had grabbed a handful of my hair, using it as a handle to throw me to the floor. I landed hard on my ass, my robe falling open. Before I could move to either get up or cover myself, he was on me, pushing me down with a gloved hand on my throat.

"Please, stop, oh god, please, stop…" I was starting to cry now. He slapped me, hard with his other hand, and grabbing his wand, pointed it at my throat.

"Pianissimo" he said as a sparkle of violet light hit my throat. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get out more than a whisper.

"Please, Draco, please stop…" I whispered.

"Ah, Mudblood, your pleading is music to my ears." He let go of my throat. Somewhere inside of me, my Gryffindor bravery was building. Wandless and almost naked, my face burning where he had hit me, I wasn't going to give up. Crooking my fingers I went for the eyes, like I'd been taught in the self defense classes my mother had insisted I take when I turned 16 and the war with Voldemort had begun.

Somehow, though, he sensed what I was doing, or his reflexes were better than I anticipated, because instead of blinding him, I received another hit with his other hand, harder than the first. Then, once again, my own wand was pointed at me and, with a sticking charm, both of my wrists were attached to the floor.

I tried to scream, but all that came out was a whisper. The tears were now pouring down my face as he roughly jerked my robe open, mauling my breasts with his gloved hands until I could see the welts that would eventually form purple bruises. With one hand he slapped me on the ass so hard I jumped and jerked. Momentarily, my knees separated in my surprise at the new pain, and before I could slam them shut again, he pushed his way between my legs, kneeling on my thighs so that I was forced apart.

With one gloved hand, he trailed his way down my body. It was then that I noticed the texture of his glove was rough, sending shivers through me, shivers combined of equal parts of fear and self-loathing. No one had ever touched me so intimately. I felt dirty and humiliated.

With a shock, I realized his hand was sliding between my legs and the rough glove was spreading my wide. The cool air was a shock and I let out a soft sob, "Please, Draco, don't do this…please, stop…."

His hand stopped, resting on my clit, and his rough, gloved finger began stroking me. In that instant I was filled with hatred both for my traitorous body that was feeling pleasure at his touch and for him who was forcing me to do this against my will.

He could clearly see the emotions in my eyes, because now he smiled. "Mudblood, you're pathetic. Too bad Potty and the Weasel didn't realize how desperate you were to have a man between your legs. Or did they know? Well, I guess there's only one way to find out."

With that he reached down and unbuttoned his trousers, letting them fall around his knees. He then freed his cock with a tug from his boxers. Reaching into his robe pocket, he pulled out a little foil wrapped muggle condom. Tearing the package open, he quickly pulled it out and rolled it on. "Wouldn't want to actually touch you, you filthy slut. You might contaminate me."

I was crying now, beyond even begging him to stop. Tears were rolling down my cheeks at the complete humiliation I felt at the idea of loosing my virginity to a man who didn't even want to touch me.

With a gasp I felt him force his way inside me. I would have screamed it I could have. I would have writhed and kicked, done anything to escape the stabbing pain that started between my legs and felt like it was ripping my in half. Instead, I did the only thing I could. Close my eyes, bite my lip, and try to ignore his blond head as he bounced on top of me.

Finally, with a shudder, he came. He smiled at me as he reached down and caught the condom as he pulled out. "Granger that was the worst fuck I've ever had. Try to get some practice so you do better next time," he said as he hitched his pants back into place. "Finite incantatum," he said, releasing my arms and my voice all at once. My crying returned to normal as I grabbed my robe, trying to pull its bloodstained fabric over me where I huddled on the floor.

Throwing my wand down on the bed, he used his own to unlock the door and walk out, as though nothing had happened.

In shock, I stayed where I was on the floor. I was afraid he'd come back and do something else, something worse, although I couldn't think of anything worse he could do.

I don't know how long I sat there. Long enough for my feet to fall asleep and my eyes to feel like they were lined with sandpaper at least. All I remember is being startled when I heard a knock on the door, followed by it creaking open as I tried to scootch back as far as I could. I wanted to hide and get away and die. Instead, two tall red-heads burst into the room.

"Hermione?" They called looking around. They hadn't seen my huddled form, yet. Looking at each other they came all the way into the room. "Tom did say he hadn't seen her leave, right?" Fred said to his twin.

"I thought so." George answered. Then apparently hearing my sniffle, he looked into the dark corner where I was crouched onto the floor in a ball. "Hermione! Oh my God! What happened?"

A/N: If you want to know the twins reactions, then I guess you had better review...